Discouraged

[Monny]

Hi-Im reaching out about my bf of 4 years because I feel discouraged& muddled & could really use some advice/feedback. I'm a 27 year old female & he is also 27-we've been living together for 2 years & together for about 4 (I was reluctant to move in together before marriage but he pushed me & promised it would be for the best-i don't think it has). He's an amazing bf-helps me out when Im in a bind, follows-through, loyal& always wants a lot of "us" time. Over the years Ive realized the only issues that arise are when I don't act in the manner he expects me to. For instance, tonight I wanted to hand wash some laundry & he got very upset and aggressively asserted his discontent -explaining it stressed him out to know I was doing laundry while he tried to relax after work. After I stood my ground saying I should be able to do my laundry as needed in the apt we SHARE he said it isn't too much of him to ask for me to do the laundry before he gets home and he said hes making a new apt rule to have laundry & chores finished before 9pm. This is no biggie but stuff like this happens all the time & I feel trapped in his rules & like I'm walking on eggshells to not get in trouble. I am standing up for myself but I've definitely become more submissive out of fear& exhaustion. He puts me down when I stand my ground saying I miss the point & then reiterates whats important to HIM. I am just feeling really stuck and almost bamboozled by the way things have been & I've never been one to bend over backwards at my own expense until him

[heartshaped]

Hi-Im reaching out about my bf of 4 years because I feel discouraged& muddled & could really use some advice/feedback. I'm a 27 year old female & he is also 27-we've been living together for 2 years & together for about 4 (I was reluctant to move in together before marriage but he pushed me & promised it would be for the best-i don't think it has). He's an amazing bf-helps me out when Im in a bind, follows-through, loyal& always wants a lot of "us" time. Over the years Ive realized the only issues that arise are when I don't act in the manner he expects me to. For instance, tonight I wanted to hand wash some laundry & he got very upset and aggressively asserted his discontent -explaining it stressed him out to know I was doing laundry while he tried to relax after work. After I stood my ground saying I should be able to do my laundry as needed in the apt we SHARE he said it isn't too much of him to ask for me to do the laundry before he gets home and he said hes making a new apt rule to have laundry & chores finished before 9pm. This is no biggie but stuff like this happens all the time & I feel trapped in his rules & like I'm walking on eggshells to not get in trouble. I am standing up for myself but I've definitely become more submissive out of fear& exhaustion. He puts me down when I stand my ground saying I miss the point & then reiterates whats important to HIM. I am just feeling really stuck and almost bamboozled by the way things have been & I've never been one to bend over backwards at my own expense until him

 

He sounds emotionally abusive and you sound very, very unhappy.

 

If a friend came to you and told you the above, what would you tell her?

[Monny]

Good question-I would tell her she deserves to be happy& deserves someone who accepts her for who she is. My problem is is that I feel so consumed & deep in this relationship that I have been following his rules & lost the secure hold on myself. There are so many insecurities and doubts in my head telling me he is right, it's a mind ****& I'm ashamed to admit that Im this insecure at this point.

[Monny]

Not sure if this is helpful or relevant but he has narcissistic tendencies- not sure if someone has had any experience with someone like this -his tendencies get especially bad when we fight, so disagreements become emotionally painful, unfocused and messy -he says they get this way because I always respond over emotionally to things. Its easy for him to say i overreact because he doesn't show much raw emotion at all (he uses words to express love but hes not physically affectionate -he does show frustration& anger).

[soccerrprp]

Not sure if this is helpful or relevant but he has narcissistic tendencies- not sure if someone has had any experience with someone like this -his tendencies get especially bad when we fight, so disagreements become emotionally painful, unfocused and messy -he says they get this way because I always respond over emotionally to things. Its easy for him to say i overreact because he doesn't show much raw emotion at all (he uses words to express love but hes not physically affectionate -he does show frustration& anger).

 

You need to get out. Seriously. This WILL NOT improve over time and in fact, you've seen that it is deeply rooted in his personality. This is the way your bf is going to be until the day he dies, I'm afraid. He's controlling, abusive, aggressive, etc.

 

I don't see this relationship becoming a safe one for you in the LT.

[Kizza]

What time were you doing laundry? Does he work an exhausting job? Was he super tired? what other things like this has he done?

[Monny]

Thank you all so much for your responses. You bring up some very helpful points. I am realizing that what he claims to be innocent 'needs' of his are just very manipulative ways to gain control. Like-there is a lengthy list of rules that have accumulated over the years and its still growing & he says he needs to be extra intense and harsh with me for it to sink into my head & to fully teach his lesson?!! Most things are minor adjustments I could care less about making like -I'm not allowed to eat if we're watching a movie because the noise bothers him (no-I'm not a loud chewer) BUT some are (in my opinion) inappropriate like him telling me I'm not to hang out with certain friends because they're a bad influence. I feel like I'm describing a strict father here so ill tell you why I'm still with him -because he is an amazing companion when things are going well & sometimes he will look at me with this genuine raw love I have never seen or experienced before. It's hard to describe but its real however sometimes it looks like pity or self-loathing appreciation.

[Monny]

Oh and YES haha I DO do EVERYTHING around our apt-I've also bought us everything (from the bed down to the cheese). He doesn't even contribute financially unless he feels like it & then he gets major appreciation from me for it when I am just somehow expected to handle everything but get little positive acknowledgement or appreciation for it. This stuff has caught up with me now but he's been a very skilled manipulator pulling the wool over my foolish eyes and been very sly about manipulating the system under-the radar. He has it so good with me & I treat him well. He says he wants the best for me & I believe it until he pulls the controlling **** because someone who wants the best for another person doesn't say hurtful condescending things on a regular basis & feel entitled to it. Thinking I've lost sight of what a healthy relationship should feel like...

[Gottabestrong]

Sweetie, he sounds like a terrible boyfriend. Emotionally abusive and controlling. I realize this is going to be very difficult, but please confide in a trusted friend or relative and leave him. His behavior is not acceptable and sounds like it is only going to get worse.

 

Good luck!

[heartshaped]

He doesn't want the best for you. He wants the best for HIM and he's getting that from you. Don't confuse the two.

 

1. You pay for everything

2. You do all the chores

3. He puts you down

4. He manipulates you

5. He controls you even down to who you can be friends with

 

You need to leave and deep down you know this.

[nescafe1982]

Leave. Start planning your exit, save some funds and find a place to go ahead of time, but leave quickly and don't look back. Don't argue with him, negotiate with him, or anything else.

 

This relationship sounds incredible stifling, unhealthy and seriously toxic. So toxic that even though you vaguely sense something isn't right, you don't seem to realize how empty you sound. I've seen this before (heck, I've BEEN this before). And I will tell you: leaving will be one of the hardest things you've ever done, but it has to happen or you will never feel any better than you do right now.

 

Once you're out of that apartment, go no contact with the ex, and reach out to friends, family, any one you cans trust. Give yourself some serious healing time--- you're going to go through a lot of doubt, confusing emotions, etc, and you want to be around supportive people as that happens. It will take time, but eventually you will look back at this relationship and see how abusive and toxic it was.

 

But yeah, in addition to emotional abuse and serious undercommitment on his part, there might be some personality disorder (narcissism) that accounts for it. But whatever the cause is of his treatment of you, you need to get out of that situation asap.

 

Good luck to you, and so sorry to hear about your frustrations.