Wife is having an emotional affair and won't quit

[MyNa]

Please bear with me, this is my first time posting here, and this is my first time talking to anyone about this, so I apologize in advance for the rambling and possibly incoherent story I'm about to tell.

 

My wife and I have been together for 16 years. Back in college, my wife and this guy, Jeff, dated a little bit before we started going out. I wasn't particularly fond of Jeff and thought him a bit of a douche. They more or less lost contact after college and we wound up living in different states.

 

Rewind to about 3 years ago, my wife reconnected with Jeff via Facebook. For the most part, this was no big deal for us. It was just an online friendship.

 

About 2 years ago, I had a female friend, Sam, that made it very clear that she wanted to have sex with me. I told my wife about this, and joked about it. She was less than thrilled about this relationship, so rather than have her upset with me over this, I broke it off with Sam, and we have not spoken since. But while I was developing my friendship, she turned to Jeff to start seeking more comfort from him. I realize, in hindsight, that this was in direct response to my close friendship Sam. I did not know that this was developing into a closer friendship than just internet buddies.

 

Rewind again to 4 months ago. I happened to catch a conversation that my wife and Jeff were having on Facebook, wherein, she was telling Jeff about several of my faults, things that she had never, and still hasn't, bothered to speak to me about. I felt betrayed. I was horribly hurt that she was choosing to confide in Jeff rather than me. I got very angry, and we had a horrible fight. The ramification of that was that I asked that she not divulge our private issues to Jeff, or at the very least, she not divulge them until after she and I talked it through. I am, by nature a very private person, so to have someone else knowing my most intimate of details was a huge betrayal of trust. She promised me that she would not talk to Jeff about us.

 

A couple of weeks pass, and I feel like something is seriously wrong, but I can't quite put my finger on it. My wife and I have made up and have been talking more and spending more quality time together than we had in the past, but I was super jealous and paranoid. I had a very hard time letting her go out with friends, as I never knew what she was up to. I sent her on vacation, and wound up texting her constantly while she was gone. I was super smothering and paranoid. She wound up, very much against my wishes, going to see Jeff. Her best friend advised against it as well, but she choose to ignore us. Worse, she didn't tell me when she was going to see him, or where he was or anything of that nature, When she came back, we had another huge fight. She professed that it was just a friendship and she didn't have any feelings for him and that I was being stupid. She promised that she was keeping her word and keeping our private business private. I doubted her and started snooping through her Facebook and texts without her knowledge.

 

It turns out that my wife will spend hours and hours each day chatting with Jeff on Facebook, commenting on his posts, liking everything he pus on Facebook, calling and chatting with him for 2-4 hours a week. All in all, way more interaction and contact than she has with any of her other friends, and more time spent communicating with Jeff than with me. All of this piles up on my psyche, and there are some regular outbursts from me about this relationship. Each time, I am told that he's just a friend, there is nothing there, I can trust my wife and I'm being stupid and paranoid. We have a big falling out about my snooping on her Facebook, but I eventually back off and stop looking at it all the time, although I would try to grab her phone and take a quick peek when I could.

 

Last weekend, we're planning our family vacation and my wife reveals that she is trying to squeeze in a visit with Jeff, since we will be relatively close to where he is. I lost it. She hadn't included me in these plans, she just assumed that it was ok and that I would be fine with going along with it all. Another huge fight. I finally tell her that I can't stand the closeness of her relationship with Jeff. I tell her that I would like all communication to stop, and if that wasn't something she was willing to do then I needed it to be greatly reduced so that I could stop feeling like this "friendship" was being thrown in my face repeatedly. She agrees to reduce her contact with Jeff and to share with me all of their chats and the like. That doesn't really help put my mind at ease though, as she deletes most of her communications, with everyone, shortly after she has them. I feel a little bit better, we make up, and for a day things are feeling better.

 

Then I get a notice that we are running out of minutes on our phones, so I start looking at the records, only to see that the day after out big fight, she spent 2 hours talking with Jeff. I asked her about it, and she is very dodgy, skirting around the question. I finally confront her face to face and ask her directly, what she and Jeff talked about. She breaks down and tells me that she has been talking with him regularly since our whole issue began four months ago, and she has several times included him in our personal affairs. In direct opposition to what she promised me she would not do. The first time I found out she betrayed my trust, we had a long discussion about how badly that hurt, and about how I'd rather she have sex with him than form an strong emotional bond with him. She promised me she wouldn't do it again, and throughout all of this she has been looking me right in the eyes and telling me over and over that she had been keeping her promise. She has been lying to me the entire time, and accusing me of being a paranoid jerk, when, as it turns out, my feelings that something wasn't quite right were spot on all along. She has been lying to me and hiding this from me all along, and she doesn't think this is a big deal at all because she continues to profess that he is just a friend.

 

I've contacted some marriage counselors today and will try to get into them next week, but at this point I don't know if I can ever trust her again, and if it wouldn't be better if we just went straight for the divorce. I don't think she will be able to reduce her amount of contact with Jeff, and I think that before too much longer she will be right back at hiding things from me and trying to keep it a secret. She has been showing me everything she says or does on Facebook or her phone for the last couple of days, but that won't last. She refuses or is unable to see how I can equate her relationship to Jeff as an affair, as for her it apparently has to be physical to matter, so she keeps saying that my feelings in this whole affair are wrong because it isn't the same for her.

 

I'm in absolute agony, and she still has shown no real remorse over her relationship with Jeff or how she keeps opening up to him about our personal affairs. The only thing she shows any remorse for at all is that she hurt me and that she got caught in her lies.

 

Any advice out there?

Edited September 15, 2013 by MyNa

[BetrayedH]

Sounds to me like she's had a physical affair. Compared to your average joe on the street, I have a knack for spotting these.

 

I think your choices are either: dump her (something to more seriously consider than you have up to this point) or play dumb and investigate so you can get to the truth.

[MyNa]

I would have thought physical as well if it weren't for the fact that she has only had one physical encounter with him all this time, and both of our children were there.

[winterpast]

Is she willing to have no contact with Jeff? I don't think there is much you can do if she isn't going to stop talking to him.

[BetrayedH]

I would have thought physical as well if it weren't for the fact that she has only had one physical encounter with him all this time, and both of our children were there.

 

If she made this trip without your knowledge and after you had already had major issues over this guy, then I think she went there for sex. How long was she there? Were the children always with her?

 

And didn't you say she was (or is?) planning another trip? And she's been caught lying to you (about him) for four months, right?

 

Regardless, in my view, she's having a more intimate relationship with her other man than she is with her husband. She's sharing with him what should be reserved for you (and lying about it). Are you prepared to play second fiddle to the other man in her life? How much lying to you is acceptable? What is a dealbreaker for you?

[MyNa]

Sorry, I didn't make it clear, I knew that she intended to meet Jeff, and I told her that I didn't like it, but I was willing to trust her to do the right thing. The met for a little while, and the kids were there the whole time, but I don't have the details of that meeting, other than to know it was at his home in the early afternoon.

 

Also, the next trip is a family vacation, so we are going to be together the whole time for that one.

[winterpast]

About 2 years ago, I had a female friend, Sam, that made it very clear that she wanted to have sex with me. I told my wife about this, and joked about it. She was less than thrilled about this relationship, so rather than have her upset with me over this, I broke it off with Sam, and we have not spoken since.

 

Why was it expected of you to end a friendship that made her uncomfortable but she doesn't have to have the same respect for you??

 

She knows how it makes you feel and knows it is WRONG of her to have this friendship otherwise she wouldn't need to hide it from you or lie to you. People don't hide friendships that are as innocent as she says it is.

[BetrayedH]

Perhaps you're right that it hasn't been physical. I'll grant that it's certainly possible based on what you've said.

 

Is it your expectation that she go "no contact" with Jeff for the rest of your life? Is that a dealbreaker for you? If it is, you need to communicate it as an ultimatum and be prepared to back it up.

[MyNa]

No, her relationship isn't a deal breaker, but I need to know that it isn't as deep as it appears. I need time to come to terms with it, and I haven't been able to do that yet.

 

She has said repeatedly that she will reduce her contact with him and let me come to terms with their relationship, so that is what we are trying until we can get a counselor involved.

Edited September 15, 2013 by MyNa

[ChooseTruth]

I would say that at least it was an emotional affair (EA). These can be just as serious as the PAs. I don't think you are overreacting. Affairs start this way all the time, someone is complaining about their spouse to a person of the opposite sex... We see it over and over and over and over ... Probably the #1 way a woman falls into an affair I would bet.

 

She needs to stop deleting messages. She needs to tell you when he contacts her, not hide it. Have you talked to her about how you reacted when she had problems with Sam? (I'm guessing you have, just checking) You handled your situation correctly, she didn't.

[Darren Steez]

No, her relationship isn't a deal breaker, but I need to know that it isn't as deep as it appears. I need time to come to terms with it, and I haven't been able to do that yet.

 

She has said repeatedly that she will reduce her contact with him and let me come to terms with their relationship, so that is what we are trying until we can get a counselor involved.

 

It is as deep as it appears. This is not a friendship. She's willing to lie to keep in contact with him, when sh*t hits the fan in your marriage, the first thing she can think about is calling this guy to complain..do you think this guy is advising her to stop contact for the betterment of your marriage..no, he's playing the shoulder to cry on

 

I dont really buy into this fog nonsense. A person willing to sacrifice their marriage for an affair is only doing so because they think the grass is greener and they can get away with it.

 

The question is how long are you willing to put up with this?

[aliveagain]

Talking about how terrible and miserable you are in a relationship with someone that isn't your husband is a major form of betrayal. She can twist it anyway she wants, it is still emotional cheating, it's an affair, your wife is cheating. When she is taking her best communications outside of your marriage, what's left for you? Your wife is putting Jeff's needs ahead of yours and than lying to you about it. It is a very short path from email to phone conversations and than to meeting up in person, something physical happened. They hugged, kissed and talked and did so in front of your children. Your wife has already done all of these things. If sex didn't happen on that visit it will regardless of the distance between them. Expose him if he is married or in a relationship. Tell her how this relationship is hurting you, if she refuses to end it and get counseling, talk to a lawyer.

[bubbaganoosh]

No, her relationship isn't a deal breaker

 

Maybe it should be. Look friend. A marriage is between two people and right now it's you, her, and Jeff. You ended your friendship with you friend because it bothered your wife and for some reason, you the one letting this continue. Think it will get better? Fat chance. She's already lied to you how many times so far and you keep turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to it

 

It's time you get serious about this and sit the woman down and tell her in a very serious way that this stops now or there will be consequences for her dishonestly. All your doing is whistling past the graveyard with this. It's time that you stop this from getting any more out of hand that it already is. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to make her stop and as of now, it's going to be hard for her to do because you let it get to this point.

[Coolit]

I agree with everyone else. This "friendship" should be a dealbreaker. One doesn't simply take a step back. She wants to keep this guy on the hook. What she should want it to sever all ties with him in order to give you a peace of mind.

 

Here is a natural step back in a friendship:

 

I had a very close guy friend. We were never romanticaly involved. He started dating my best friend. My best friend was insecure about our friendship (she told me not him). I didn't turn cold towards him but I did slowly distance myself. Nothing dramatic. We remained friends but stopped sharing personal stuff. We still asked how each other was doing and behaved like friends but there were changes. Even our innocent friendship had to change for her peace of mind and I did not resent that!

 

In your wife's case there is unfaithful history even if in words only. You don't step back from that... You turn right around and run away.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I happened to catch a conversation that my wife and Jeff were having on Facebook, wherein, she was telling Jeff about several of my faults, things that she had never, and still hasn't, bothered to speak to me about. I asked that she not divulge our private issues to Jeff, or at the very least, she not divulge them until after she and I talked it through. She promised me that she would not talk to Jeff about us.

 

A couple of weeks pass, She promised that she was keeping her word and keeping our private business private.

 

there are some regular outbursts from me about this relationship. Each time, I am told that he's just a friend, there is nothing there, I can trust my wife and I'm being stupid and paranoid.

 

I finally tell her that I can't stand the closeness of her relationship with Jeff. I tell her that I would like all communication to stop, and if that wasn't something she was willing to do then I needed it to be greatly reduced so that I could stop feeling like this "friendship" was being thrown in my face repeatedly. She agrees to reduce her contact with Jeff and to share with me all of their chats and the like.

 

Then I get a notice that we are running out of minutes on our phones, so I start looking at the records, only to see that the day after out big fight, she spent 2 hours talking with Jeff. I asked her about it, and she is very dodgy, skirting around the question. I finally confront her face to face and ask her directly, what she and Jeff talked about. She breaks down and tells me that she has been talking with him regularly since our whole issue began four months ago, and she has several times included him in our personal affairs. In direct opposition to what she promised me she would not do.

 

She promised me she wouldn't do it again, and throughout all of this she has been looking me right in the eyes and telling me over and over that she had been keeping her promise. She has been lying to me the entire time, and accusing me of being a paranoid jerk, when, as it turns out, my feelings that something wasn't quite right were spot on all along. She has been lying to me and hiding this from me all along, and she doesn't think this is a big deal at all because she continues to profess that he is just a friend.

 

She has been showing me everything she says or does on Facebook or her phone for the last couple of days.

 

Any advice out there?

 

She has proven herself a liar when it comes to her relationship with Jeff. Before you waste any more time, buy a couple of voice-activated recorders. Put one in her car and one in your house where she is likely to talk on the phone. Within a week you should know exactly what they are spending so much time talking about. Then you can take appropriate actions going forward based on the truth of the situation, which your wife has refused to give you.