Was I dating a non-violent sociopath??

[KatZee]

idk about months i do believe in love at first sight he does make some valid points like why would we meet each others families if he wasn't serious? I'm just so mad at myself for believing him and thinking that he was finally the one

 

It's part of the game, to be honest. This guy had a serious agenda and it was so obvious. You were all starry eyed because he appeared to be "the one."

 

He played his game real well. Buttered you up, sweet talked you, brings up marriage (really?) after 3 dates, plays domestic, and gets in your pants (this was the agenda). Soon thereafter, it's over.

 

When a guy is truly interested, he spends his time getting to know you, not rushing intimacy or false emotional intimacy. I know tons of women love to believe in the "he's the one" garbage but life doesn't really work that way. There is no "one." There are tons of people you're going to connect with. Some of these people aren't going to have your best interest at heart. It's up to you to be aware and to sniff out game when it's in your face.

[sickpuppy]

Hi guys! gonna try to make this as short as possible ..

 

I was dating this guy for about 4 weeks (during that 4 weeks we were together almost every day) when I first met him I thought it was "love at first site" it took him until the 4th time he saw me to ask me out after that everything just happened at lightening speed, by the 2nd/3rd date I was his gf & he told me he was in love with me, wanted to marry me & I was the last girl he was gonna kiss. We met eachothers families & had dinner with them, he brought me roses to my job, bought me a few things & always paid for dinner. we were intimate but the first time we were gonna have sex he chickened out because he "didnt want to base our relationship on sex" after that we were intimate 3 times in total. the last week we were together he wasnt calling/texting me as much so I got worried I didnt hear from him and ended up calling him 5 times in a row which PISSED him off, he ended up going away for the weekend with brother and told me not to call/text him, when he got back we met up & he broke up with me because "I didn't trust" him which was complete BS to make a long story short he blames me for everything. now i'm just wondering if someone "loved" me so much they def would not break up with me over that, am I right? everyone says theres def something wrong on his part he's either bi-polar, sociopath or just an ******* .. opinions? thanks in advance

 

I forgot to mention he came off as VERY charming, he's is as gorgeous as they come & comes from a VERY strict Italian family. he was VERY concerned with people not trusting him & thinking he was an a**hol* he told me he could have 100 girls but he picked me & he's very narrow minded!

 

 

Sorry about what happened but your mistake and the mistake a lot of us make is to see some beautiful stranger and because they seem to be perfect in our eyes we overlook and let red flags slide in an effort to make things work and be "perfect".

 

You developed a fantasy scenario in your mind of this gorgeous guy and went blind to the reality of what he REALLY could be like (showed himself to be) and rushed into things taking his good words about himself as gospel but ignoring the bad things: IE: Him telling you he's so concerned about people not "trusting" him? Why would he be "so concerned" if he actually WAS trustworthy? If he WAS trustworthy he'd have many people to vouch for him without him having to tell them to if need be. That statement he made is called a "tell" in cards. He showed you his hand so to speak.

 

Him also telling you "he could have 100 girls but he picked you". What is that kind of statement? It's incredibly immature. That's what it is. That's like Bill Gates walking up to you and saying: "Hey. I've got more money than you. You should be lucky I picked you to talk to me." Bill Gates wouldn't HAVE to say that and that is the difference. You'd just know. This guy is insecure himself but you cannot help this guy. It's a waste of your time.

 

His statements were him already trying to emotinally abuse you off the bat and make you feel "lucky" you have him and give you a "heads up" on how many others "want" him to play on your insecurity and use that as future manipulation of you. No one who could have anyone they wanted and wasn't trying to manipulate a person they "care" about would say that. The other person (you) would already know they could get more people as it would show by the good person they really are as well as how good looking.

 

To be honest this guy sounds like an emotional abuser and knows he can't be trusted which is why he's so "concerned" over people not "trusting" him.

 

He feeds you lines of B.S. and rainbows with lines like: he was in love with me, wanted to marry me & I was the last girl he was gonna kiss. Bought you flowers etc. and then freaks out and dumps you because you called him five times in a row? Then blames everything on you while MR. "trustworthy" goes away on vacation telling you not to call him. This dude sounds like a real winner. Actually completely pathetic as a person period.

 

It's laughable. If he was mature and really "cared" about the one he was going to "marry" he'd have called you and talked to you and let you know things were ok and not minded if you called five times in a row one time. But he was never mature and not trustworthy so he dumped you because God Forbid you might've actually found out he was really full of sht and something was possibly going on.

 

The guy is an oversized clown shoe. Nothing more.

 

The below is what you now have to realize for yourself and move on for your own good:

 

Now what women will claim is that they don't want someone with bad qualities but most will ignore what they already know even if they see those signs. (Men do it to.) People say they want a "nice" person but in reality do not as people who are too nice are thought of in our subconcious as boring, no challenge, possible clingers, not much juicy gossip to talk/complain about with friends. (some "nice" people aren't good for us either as some of the bad things about being "nice" can be true.) So they'll search for someone "nice= hot and I'll ignore the red flags" yet have several red flags or bad qualities and try to change/help them as it's a challenge, makes them feel good and needed, gives them something to complain about, and most importantly makes them have FEELINGS which translate to emotions and "this must be love because this person makes me FEEL." It's not "love" it's you being emotinally abused.

 

 

What you need to do for yourself is find a GOOD person with the best qualities in a "bad" and "nice" person. Not a pushover or clinger or someone who uses guilt trips, but not someone who is an a-hole jerk either.

 

Forget this guy unless you simply like feeling these emotions equaling "love" for an mentally abusive manipulator thinking it's "your" fault and you need to fix this guy because you built him up from the beginning in the fantasy of your mind over his looks and BS words.

 

Sorry O.P. but you need to self reflect, learn and grow from this experience and move on from this guy. EVEN IF he comes back. He will try to get back at you for "not trusting him" and treat you even worse if he knows you'll take him back even after the crap way he treated you.

 

Next time slow down and realize a person may be a beautiful stranger but don't confuse all the feelings you get from a fantasy as that person you just met as being "perfect". Also take people's words with a grain of salt. As soon as this dude told you he wanted to marry you after a few weeks etc. you should've known something was up and it's easy for him to feed complete BS (makes life changing promises quickly) to people as well as he'll feed whatever BS he thinks others want to hear.

Edited September 15, 2013 by sickpuppy

[sickpuppy]

Maybe he's one of those Borderline Personality Disordered people. I dated one of them - that was a trip to crazy and back.

 

In the beginning, they're talking love and marriage and you're just about the best thing that God ever bestowed upon mankind.

 

Then - at random and without warning - their crazy switch gets flipped and suddenly, you're the most vile, wicked, disgusting, putrid, sorry pile of rotting flesh this earth has ever vomited up in all the history of the world.

 

Then, 3 weeks (or 3 days) later, they're proposing again and swearing their undying love for you - until a week or two later, when you're back down at the bottom of the food chain yet again.

 

It's that nusto "I hate you...don't leave me!!" push/pull nonsense. Been there, done that, got the video, wating for opening night of the Broadway play.

 

Pffft. Never, EVER again.

 

 

Thing is the O.P has to not become or do the same things this guy did to her to the next guy who might be a truly good person.

 

For some reason some people will try to "work out" what was done to them on someone whom they date afterwards taking it out on them especially if they are a good person who doesn't exhibit those things he did to the O.P. and almost end up resenting the good person they date next as they can't get passed what happened to them previosly.

 

Not that O.P. is like that or will but she should be mindful of the above as well as mindful of falling for a fantasy based purely on looks and smooth words.

 

If this guy made her feel insecure she might go overboard with not trusting a truly sincere better guy and cause her own problems and become frustrated with that person, resenting them for not letting her work out her previous crappy treatment by the new guy who isn't providing it.

[sickpuppy]

exactly .. he was treating me like I cheated on him or did something horrible I don't get it

 

 

He is blaming "you" because he holds ZERO accountability/responsibility for HIMSELF and could care less even though he deep down knows it's his fault he'll throw you under the blame bus. I highly doubt this is his first time doing that. Mr. "Trustworty" has a history of doing it.

 

It's like someone saying to you: "Oh well you made me mad so I went out and got drunk with some other girl and f'd her so it's YOUR fault".

 

It's a childs mentality and a weak, lame sauce "deflecting" mechanisim that it's "never" his fault.

[sickpuppy]

oh I know I haven't seen/heard the last of him ended it last week and I told him not to contact me in a month or whenever thinking we can try again

 

Do you like being emotionally and mentally abused? If so then continue with this type of guy.

 

You do realize you have given this guy in your reply to him the green light to have a field day with you in the future at his choosing don't you?

 

This dude knows and doesn't care that he treated you like crap and from your reply to him you are willing to take it and "try again" with a sht eating grin. He'll come back and say whatever you want to hear and then resent you even further for being completely spineless and a willing participant to take his abuse. He had zero respect for you from the beginning. You're telling him you will up his ante and DIG YOUR own self-respect for youself even LOWER.

 

He's pulling the same act on others and you'll sit around waiting for him to "try again" and or you'll even leave someone who you may've found who's truly good for/to you to go back to his sht treatment of you.

 

You go back for ANY reason. You are going to be a completely abused mess/shell of yourself and hate yourself for it.

 

Be honest with yourself. Do you have some sort of obsessive NEED to live vicariously through some gorgeous guy who WILL and HAS treaed you like hot garbage to "feel" emotions of "love" and self-worth?

 

Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

Edited September 15, 2013 by sickpuppy

[me0w]

Do you like being emotionally and mentally abused? If so then continue with this type of guy.

 

You do realize you have given this guy in your reply to him the green light to have a field day with you in the future at his choosing don't you?

 

This dude knows and doesn't care that he treated you like crap and from your reply to him you are willing to take it and "try again" with a sht eating grin. He'll come back and say whatever you want to hear and then resent you even further for being completely spineless and a willing participant to take his abuse. He had zero respect for you from the beginning. You're telling him you will up his ante and DIG YOUR own self-respect for youself even LOWER.

 

He's pulling the same act on others and you'll sit around waiting for him to "try again" and or you'll even leave someone who you may've found who's truly good for/to you to go back to his sht treatment of you.

 

You go back for ANY reason. You are going to be a completely abused mess/shell of yourself and hate yourself for it.

 

Be honest with yourself. Do you have some sort of obsessive NEED to live vicariously through some gorgeous guy who WILL and HAS treaed you like hot garbage to "feel" emotions of "love" and self-worth?

 

Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

 

no no I told him NOT to try to contact me again there's no way I would go back with him funny thing is he told me he wanted a drama free relationship what he really wanted was someone who couldn't stand up for themselves and then he has the balls to tell me not everyone is an ******* not to treat my next boyfriend like that when I really did nothing wrong to him I'm gonna take it as be takes after his mental mama

[sickpuppy]

no no I told him NOT to try to contact me again there's no way I would go back with him funny thing is he told me he wanted a drama free relationship what he really wanted was someone who couldn't stand up for themselves and then he has the balls to tell me not everyone is an ******* not to treat my next boyfriend like that when I really did nothing wrong to him I'm gonna take it as be takes after his mental mama

 

The guy is completely immature and most likely has learned how to be the way he is from his mom or parents.

 

He simply again had to give you a parting kick and deflect the blame on you as if it's you who are "wrong" and will do what he did to your next boyfriend. The guy is a manipulative, lying fraud who holds no accountability for himself.

 

Be happy as heck you are away from this guy and keep it that way.

 

Go complete no contact. Do not call, text, email or reply to anything he sends. He'll try to manipulate you when he wants with "apologies" or just "seeing what's up" in calls or texts. He'll even try to sweet talk you and or use some other girl or girls he's dating to make you further feel like crap.

 

Don't fall nor reply to any of it.

 

If you feel like it write him a letter about how you feel...for yourself. And DO NOT send it to him. It helps writing things out and looking at them even though it suks. Use this experience to learn and grow from this mistake in what you thought about this person.

[me0w]

The guy is completely immature and most likely has learned how to be the way he is from his mom or parents.

 

He simply again had to give you a parting kick and deflect the blame on you as if it's you who are "wrong" and will do what he did to your next boyfriend. The guy is a manipulative, lying fraud who holds no accountability for himself.

 

Be happy as heck you are away from this guy and keep it that way.

 

Go complete no contact. Do not call, text, email or reply to anything he sends. He'll try to manipulate you when he wants with "apologies" or just "seeing what's up" in calls or texts. He'll even try to sweet talk you and or use some other girl or girls he's dating to make you further feel like crap.

 

Don't fall nor reply to any of it.

 

If you feel like it write him a letter about how you feel...for yourself. And DO NOT send it to him. It helps writing things out and looking at them even though it suks. Use this experience to learn and grow from this mistake in what you thought about this person.

 

I don't plan on ever speaking to him again, I already told him everything I had to say last week, I told him he used me & broke my heart & of course he didn't answer back i'm over it now, I see what a nut he is he should really get an oscar or some type of award he had EVERYONE fooled, it's amazing

[Lokie]

The guy is an oversized clown shoe. Nothing more.

 

Brilliant!

[sickpuppy]

I don't plan on ever speaking to him again, I already told him everything I had to say last week, I told him he used me & broke my heart & of course he didn't answer back i'm over it now, I see what a nut he is he should really get an oscar or some type of award he had EVERYONE fooled, it's amazing

 

 

You can't "plan" on not speaking to him again as if you are waiting to see some small ray of "hope" that he gives you in contacting you no matter how bad it could turn out. You are STILL looking to hear from him.

 

You simply have to not bother with anything he may send. Don't hope for it as any sign of him "coming back". I'm telling you this dude will have a field day on you.

 

I've personally known guys like this. They do NOT give a damn about anyone but themselves will use sob stories to get you to feel bad, "come clean" etc. to play on your emotions...Then when they got you talking and are reeling you back in....will use you all over again and drop you like it's nothing.

 

It's like you being a degenerate gambler and knowing it's not good for you but you no matter what keep hoping for that big "Score" that never comes and you keep investing, and investing swearing to yourself you'll stop till you are simply a sad shell of yourself addicted to the abuse and willingly so, unable to control it.

[Adele0908]

I've been in your shoes before. Started a relationship and things were going fine until insecurity reared it's ugly little head.

 

It's not him, he didn't do anything crazy or strange. He is not the sociopath that you think he is, and he didn't use you like you seem to believe. That's just your fear talking. He probably really liked you at first.

 

He just responded to your lack of trust towards him.

 

When you showed you didn't trust him, he had a negative reaction to that because he likely felt bad. So he ended the relationship so that he wouldn't have to feel bad anymore.

 

You feared being used and sabotaged the relationship because of your fear.

Your fear of being used or decieved led you to act in ways that pushed him away.

 

Maybe you are a person who does not trust so easily. That is fine, but next time, go slower in a relationship, because you need more time with someone to build your trust towards them. Don't let the guy call you his girlfriend too quickly, don't have sex if you're not ready or don't feel all the way comfortable with him. That way you can take your time to build your confidence and trust in them.

 

Next time, let the man know that you would like to be friends first. That works better for people who don't trust easily.

[sickpuppy]

I've been in your shoes before. Started a relationship and things were going fine until insecurity reared it's ugly little head.

 

It's not him, he didn't do anything crazy or strange. He is not the sociopath that you think he is, and he didn't use you like you seem to believe. That's just your fear talking. He probably really liked you at first.

 

He just responded to your lack of trust towards him.

 

When you showed you didn't trust him, he had a negative reaction to that because he likely felt bad. So he ended the relationship so that he wouldn't have to feel bad anymore.

 

You feared being used and sabotaged the relationship because of your fear.

Your fear of being used or decieved led you to act in ways that pushed him away.

 

Maybe you are a person who does not trust so easily. That is fine, but next time, go slower in a relationship, because you need more time with someone to build your trust towards them. Don't let the guy call you his girlfriend too quickly, don't have sex if you're not ready or don't feel all the way comfortable with him. That way you can take your time to build your confidence and trust in them.

 

Next time, let the man know that you would like to be friends first. That works better for people who don't trust easily.

 

 

You did read how the O.P was treated correct? Do you treat people the same way this guy treated her? Are you the guy the OP is posting about?

 

Either that or you're on some sick joke reply for your own amusement...correct?

[me0w]

You did read how the O.P was treated correct? Do you treat people the same way this guy treated her? Are you the guy the OP is posting about?

 

Either that or you're on some sick joke reply for your own amusement...correct?

 

I'm trying to figure out how he lasted in a 4 year relationship even though it was long distance

[sickpuppy]

I'm trying to figure out how he lasted in a 4 year relationship even though it was long distance

 

He lasted in it most likely because it was long distance. He could have his cake and eat it too.

[veggirl]

I hope you can learn from this. When a guy comes on that strong, that fast, you run. You don't sit there and lap up the future faking and bulls.hit. You would probably be better off if you got the "love at first sight" thing out of your mind........honestly you'll just repeat this situation.

[me0w]

He lasted in it most likely because it was long distance. He could have his cake and eat it too.

 

yep and she prob lasted because she wanted a green card

 

 

I hope you can learn from this. When a guy comes on that strong, that fast, you run. You don't sit there and lap up the future faking and bulls.hit. You would probably be better off if you got the "love at first sight" thing out of your mind........honestly you'll just repeat this situation.

 

I have learned usually if it seems to good to be true it is :/

[Adele0908]

You did read how the O.P was treated correct? Do you treat people the same way this guy treated her? Are you the guy the OP is posting about?

 

Either that or you're on some sick joke reply for your own amusement...correct?

 

What exactly did he do to her?

 

Was he abusive?

[me0w]

What exactly did he do to her?

 

Was he abusive?

 

what he do to me? he used me pretended to love me and then as soon as I did something that was "wrong" to him he left abuse prob would have came later on since he smacked my face a few times while we were "play fighting"

[Quiet Storm]

Most sociopaths aren't violent. Usually just the stupid ones. They are the sociopaths that end up in jail. The smart ones are among us, screwing us over in ways much more subtle than violence.

 

Regardless of whether or not he is a sociopath- you know enough to see that he is not suitable for a relationship.

 

You should definitely stay away from him. Don't try to figure him out.

[HappyLove]

what he do to me? he used me pretended to love me and then as soon as I did something that was "wrong" to him he left abuse prob would have came later on since he smacked my face a few times while we were "play fighting"

 

 

 

I knew there were more HUGE red flags! Wow OP! Well at least you've learned from this experience.