gilly203 Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Hi all. I really need as much advice as anyone reading can give. Iv been married now for 5 yrs and we have a daughter of 2. In my line of work I move around the country every 2-3 yrs and my wife has so far graciously followed. However just this week I have discovered that she has been having text sex with three guys she works with and one of which she has had a full blown 2 month affair with. I only know this as I caught her by reading her phone after a few too many shifty behaviour al symptoms. So over the course of the week iv slowly uncovered more and more of her affair and each time she promised me I knew everything. Only last night did I get to the bottom of it all. I know that shes hiding nothing else as she now openly tells me anything I need to know and willfully shares any information on her phone. Now heres the catch. She said she doesnt know if she loves me anymore and despite having feelings for the guy shes had an affair with. She outright denies loving him. Im now due to move to another town next month and offered her the ultimatum of staying here with him which I really dont want as this would leave my daughter miles away from my extended family let alone me. Or moving on with me and starting up fresh. She has agreed to move on with me but still says she doesnt love me anymore although she wants to. Is this in anyone elses mind a plausable plan for my family or should I be looking to end my marraige(I would do so very reluctantly) and start thinking of a plan to see my daughter as often as I can in my hometown where at least my mother can see my daughter every day? Im truelly confused and would appreciate any advice whatsoever.
winterpast Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 It really depends on how remorseful she is and how much work she is willing to do to repair the damage she caused. At this point you will have to determine if she is sorry for betraying you or just sorry she got caught. Why is she telling you she doesn't love you? It doesn't sound promising if that is how she truly feels. Is she willing to no longer have contact with these men?
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 She has agreed to move on with me but still says she doesnt love me anymore although she wants to. One person can't make a marriage and a wife that doesn't love and won't be faithful to you doesn't leave much to work with. I can't imagine this is the environment you'd want to daughter to grow up in and the understanding of relationships you'd want her to have. Time to move on and be the best divorced Dad you can be... Mr. Lucky 1
Author gilly203 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 See heres the thing. Shes been brilliant as far as leaving the other guys behind is concerned and yeah she does seem genuinely remorseful. She even seems loving towards me and really other than the affair its as if the marriage is as good as it ever has been which is a real head f!#* im sure u can imagine.The only difference is shes nt saying I love u ne mre. Another thing im concerned about is the fact that I should have to work to regain her love after shes the one thats been unfaithful. Seems rather unfair that id have to make such huge changes whilst struggling to cope with whats happened. Thanks for the response though guys its a huge help letting anyone know.
Author gilly203 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 See heres the thing. Shes been brilliant as far as leaving the other guys behind is concerned and yeah she does seem genuinely remorseful. She even seems loving towards me and really other than the affair its as if the marriage is as good as it ever has been which is a real head f!#* im sure u can imagine.The only difference is shes nt saying I love u ne mre. Another thing im concerned about is the fact that I should have to work to regain her love after shes the one thats been unfaithful. Seems rather unfair that id have to make such huge changes whilst struggling to cope with whats happened. Thanks for the response though guys its a huge help letting anyone know.
aliveagain Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 (edited) Nothing has to be decided today, she has agreed to come with you. The moment you land in your new destination the first thing she needs to do is get counseling with someone that has experience with infidelity. Marriage counseling is a waste of money at this point because only one of you is committed to the marriage. You need to make sure she understands your boundaries as well as the consequences for breaking them(real consequences that you absolutely must follow through with and not just hollow words). Set a timeline that at the end of you both review and assess continuing or ending your marriage. You could decide on 12 months from today, she than knows that if she wants the marriage she needs to do the work of winning you back within that time, that she can't drag her ass. If she isn't committed by then pull the plug, your not wasting more of your future with her than you have to and you know you really gave it your best shot for the sake of your child. Do not have another child with her until you know what your future looks like. Have you both been tested for STD's? You only just found out about the affair, no unprotected sex until you do as some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after the last incident. They always lie about using protection. You may want to test her for pregnancy, I only bring this up because it happened to me. Testing the paternity of my son was one of the hardest things I ever had to endure, learning the truth destroyed me and I would never wish that on any man. Do not accept her word that she will never do this again, make her do the work, she needs professional help, cheating with three men that she works with needs special help. Do not let her sweep this under the carpet, she needs to get to the root cause of why she allowed herself to cheat, why she needs outside validation from other men, or you can expect this to happen again when the next opportunity arises. She must have been the talk of the office. Expose the other men if they are married or in a relationship, their betrayed spouse's need to know the truth so they can decide for themselves the future of their own relationship. Exposure is a consequence of infidelity, don't tell her you are going to expose them just do it. She may try to warn them so they can get their stories strait. You need to talk to a lawyer so you know your rights if things go south, you need to be able to protect your daughter as well as your finances. A lawyer that has infidelity experience can help you do these things. It doesn't mean you have to start the process now but at least you will know your worst case scenario and be ready to act. Accept no blame for her infidelity, she owns all of it, waiting a little while before deciding the fate of your marriage is a good thing, you need a clear head and being one week out from DD your emotions are not always logical. Do not let her see you weak, being weak is not an attractive trait. Take time to dress well, keep your appearance up, you need to be her best option. Try not you reply in anger, keep your voice calm, do your screaming in your car when your driving alone. Check her phone records, watch her body language, her words mean sh*t only believe her actions. Talk, communicate, no more secrets, no more lying, no more cheating, you have put her on notice. If she can't make you feel safe start the process of finishing what she started with her affairs. Stay strong for your daughter. Edited September 15, 2013 by aliveagain
Author gilly203 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 (edited) Thanks aliveagain. I know she wont get pregnant. She take contraception and genuinely has a hatred for semen inside her as crude as that sounds. I will look into this protection issue however. She has as u quite rightly foretold, told me they used a condom every time. She has today told me she does infact love me and its jus heated passion she doesnt feel for me. Which all figures to me. She said she wishes id come here alone and left her in our hometown where I could visit her and our daughter as much as possible (and relatively easily) Today she also seems very depressed and has been seeking comfort from me. Shes repeatedly saying how disgracefully shes behaved. And to be honest I cannot help but feel good in all her shame. Its also great advice to keep calm. I will however be doing a lot of shouting on my way to work tomorrow. I honestly can almost see a way through at this point but as you say emotions race at this stage and I will need time. Thanks again for all the advice. I have noone to turn to here and am perhaps too ashamed to confide in my family. U guys have been a great help whoever u are. Edited September 15, 2013 by gilly203 unfinished original
TiredFamilyGuy Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 You will regret wasting more time on her. She's not committed.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 She take contraception and genuinely has a hatred for semen inside her as crude as that sounds. You make her sound better and better ... Mr. Lucky
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