aff219 Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 This is going to be long, but I'll try and keep it as short as possible. I -really- want some input on what I can do in this situation. I realize instantly fixing things is pretty much out the window, my goal is to create a form of dialogue, so we can at least associate, and potentially have something again in the (hopefully near) future. -girlfriend of 3 years -semi long distance (3 hours away) -lots of face time (bi-weekly visits, from 3 days to 2 weeks for most of the relationship) -she wanted me to move in within 3 months, i said that's a bit fast around the 6 month mark the topic of me moving came back up, by then we had argued, nothing big, but enough for me to say "we need to fix this before i move" long story short, for the next 2 years the arguing slowly got worse and worse. the longer I didn't move, the angrier she got, the angrier she got, the more we argued, the more we argued the more I didn't want to move. big vicious cycle. by the 2 year mark things were pretty bad, we argued about all kinds of things from big to small, but the underlying root of it all (it'd come up when things got really bad) was basically "im never going to move there" mid argument, when feelings are really opening up, itd always turn into: -you dont care -you dont try enough -youre never going to do anything -youre not going to move -you lied to me when you said you'd move During this time, I admit, i had my own share of mistakes, when we'd get into really big fights id say i don't want in the realtionship anymore. Honestly, i love her, and i regret ever saying such things, i'm honestly a great guy, but when you piss me off you -really- piss me off. anyway, i spent 3 months with her recently. going in, i had it in my mind that i was going to sit down and work things out with her, and if things went well that's it, i'll stay, move in, we'll be good. really fix everything she has problems with. Sadly, the arguing got so bad i lost sight of that quickly, by the 2nd month we were arguing hard, by the 3rd month i decided i have to back out. we talked a bit after i left, agreed to take some time and cool off. between that theres about 1 1/2 months of time, things were fine sometimes but bad others, and i noticed we werent talking as much as normal. one day i called her, she ignored my call, this made me lose my head and i wound up blowing up her phone/skype/fb for over a day (i was honestly worried and about ready to call the cops, she -never- ignored my calls before) by the time she answered a full day had passed, i was PISSED (by this point i saw her actively on fb and ignoring me) she told me she wants a break, i told her no and gave her the ultimatum "ur either with me or your not", well, she chose not. we parted ways on somewhat good grounds, I handled it well at first, and I wish i kept that composure. but abotu 3 days into it i decided to call her and try and work things out. she was having none of it. I begged, I cried, I pleaded, I did everything that you can do wrong. we talked over the next few days but she was very distant, ignoring me etc she came and saw me a week later to get her dog i was caring for, i surprised her with flowers, they were met pretty well, she even gave me a kiss on the lips as a thank you, good sign right? well, we had agreed to watch a movie online together a few days prior, so the next day i made the mistake of trying to get in touch with her, then when she ignored it (i was surprised due to how nice she was when she last saw me) i did something stupid that absolutely ruined me. long story short i came off "crazy", completely by accident, i wasnt panicing or anything, I did what I thought would be funny, I spammed her fb with "corny jokes" (something i always did was tell her a corny joke randomly and stare at her for a response), big, giant mistake. I tried to talk to her after but sh was having none of it, telling me to leave her alone etc. She also decided to tell me "I think you should know I'm dating." at this point. she got pissed off, and removed -all- contact from me. well, at this point i kind of gathered myself back up, realized the stupid things I was doing, and started talking to a few girls i know for advice. I was suggested by multiple girls to surprise her with a very unique, special, "only i could do it" gift. so i sent her something to her job, It had multiple levels of effort showing I cared, was romantic, and all that. no response. A universal suggestion after was "go surprise her and be as sweet and romantic as you can, tell her how you really feel and apologize for what shes upset about" so i did. Showed up in a full suit and tie, flowers in hand, etc. Was met with the worst reaction possible short of her slamming the door in my face. I worked hard to think of the best thing i could say, and ran it by all the girls to make sure its not overly needy or beggy etc. "really laying out my feelings", her reaction was: -complete shock when she saw me -"omg what are you doing here. i was doing fine, just...fine. I was good." -wouldnt look at me any more than absolutely necessary when i was talking -kept playing with her phone -"its too late" -"I dont care" -"so what" -used the new guy to lash out at me a few times one of the final things she said to me was "I hope you hate me after this. I hope you think im a total B****" she did mutter out 3 "nice" things between all that, but theyre not really worth mentioning. after that i left. Again, another suggestion was "her goal was to make you hate her when you showed up, that way you wont talk to her and she can forget you. by leaving things the way you did she thinks you'll hate her and she got what she want. send her a letter, without any begging etc that shows you still feel this way" well, i did it. big, heart on my sleeve, no emotional outburst, no needy sounding things, "I love you, this is how much i love you, i hope you can forgive me one day, but even if you never talk to me i wish you the best" kinda thing. she responded a day later...with...a facebook thumbs up emoticon. I have no clue what to think about that. -if she wanted to be mean, why not just rail me like she did when i was in person -if she didn't care, why not just -not- reply at this point, every girl has said "forget it and never look back, its too late", but thats just not an option for me. I know I can't get her back -right now- at this point, but I want to try to at least establish dialogue, so that I can try to mend things slowly over the course of time. one girl however, and one that i think is best at relationship advice, suggested that i sent a very soft hello in response, something like "hey, i know you just went out of town, hope it all goes well, you must be excited" or something in the next couple of days. It would be about 5 days since the thumbs up reaction Now, before that was suggested, i was going to go NC, but this would cause me to break it. however, a few things about her and this situation makes me think NC isnt the greatest of plans: -i know her personality, she is fully capable (and is currently in the process) of making herself so angry at me she "hates" me, busy the crap out of herself until shes completely removed me from her mind. I always said "not many people are capable of true hate without BIG reasons, but she can, willingly." -she has/is removing any aspect that reminds her of me -she is currently "dating" this new guy, who she will latch onto like a leech for this process with that said, i don't think NC for 3, 4 weeks or more is a good idea if I hope to establish any chance of getting her back. also, regardless of all the anger and what shes doing now, i know those arent her true feelings, she has a very strong mindset "when i do something, thats the right answer no matter what" a final note, i do know a few things that give me a ray of hope: -she at least gave me the thumbs up, which isnt COMPLETELY going no contact, though its not a good thing directly by any means -she still have pictures of me on her fb "thats my boyfriend" etc, she obviously isnt willing/isnt able to delete them yet. clinging to false hopes maybe but at least its something. quesiton: how do i handle this situation to establish dailogue? I know I can't get her back now,i understand that. But I really think we can have a real shot to make things work if we can just talk it out over the course of time, re build a new, stronger relationship. I'm not emotional anymore, i've numbed myself to that and focusing on bettering myself etc, but I want to make things work out in the long run.
mammasita Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I'm going to be honest. I didn't even read your post. Your best shot at a second chance is to move on. Think about it: you can't retry as the same person. You have to regroup, change, refocus. If its meant to be you WILL come together as a two new people. 1
Amelie1980 Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I'm going to be honest. I didn't even read your post. Your best shot at a second chance is to move on. Think about it: you can't retry as the same person. You have to regroup, change, refocus. If its meant to be you WILL come together as a two new people. I second this. I was utterly devastated after my bu late last year. Slowly but surely I picked myself up. just when I had forgotten all about him, he emailed and texted me. I'm not even sure I want to reply. You can't live your life in hope though. just go forward and see what happens.
heartshaped Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 You have to go NC. You're smothering her and honestly, I don't think she will ever take you back. Things weren't good in your relationship. You said yourself the arguing only got worse as the years passed. Why would you want to be with someone that you couldn't even get along with? Though it hurts right now the decision she's making is what's best for you both and you will be able to see that in time.
Author aff219 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 (edited) i have to say i'm kinda disappointed in the mindset of this community. everyone pushes the no contact rule so hard, yet many admit "its for you to move on, not to get your ex back" a lot of people here-want- to get their ex back, regardless of what the quickest route to a healthy life is. we are grown men and women (most of us) and regardless of the "healthiest choice", we're going to do what we want to do. I love this woman, I spent 3 years of my life with her, I know what caused our arguments, I know the goods that i haven't mentioned here are worth fighting for, so why not give me some real advice instead of just saying "too bad move on"? maybe i should change my question. Has anyone else here ever gotten their ex back / given their ex a second chance, with this type of situation? -dumper broke up -dumpee did the cry/beg mistake -dumper got upset at it, forced no-contact in -dumpee managed to do -something- to get a second chance Edited September 16, 2013 by aff219
Grumpylilmoose Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 " Has anyone else here ever gotten their ex back / given their ex a second chance, with this type of situation? -dumper broke up -dumpee did the cry/beg mistake -dumper got upset at it, forced no-contact in -dumpee managed to do -something- to get a second chance" Yes, but that's also due to some NC on my part, during the NC I used that time to work on,myself, and fixed a lot of the issues that she had with me. Things are still, not great by any means but the more positive work she sees me going through, the better the relationship becomes. For instance, she didn't like me smoking so I quit. She dislikes my anger, so I'm going to start therapy. All the things, you should do to better yourself, and be a better catch, though you should still continue NC, and only bring it up (where appropriate, if she starts conversation.)
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