This Thing About "Spark"

[jaru41]

[COLOR=#000000]So Ive been on pof for about 1.5 months now and had 5 "happy" dates. The real issue has always been the fizzle out after them. I have been told by them (via text) that I am a really nice guy and geniune (and its made out that every other guy they've spoke to are idiots) and on some occasions, that Im the first/second guy they've met up with (and some of them have been dating for months). Some have mentioned that my looks are not a problem either.

 

So it seems that I have done really well but there is this final obstacle in the way which is spark/connection (and it seems that women have the cards 99% on this as most men would surely be happy with what they saw/spoke to online as long as no big lies were made). I honestly dont understand.

The dates themselves seemed really relaxed too (all casual drinks) with laughter, getting to know each other and proper kisses from 2 of them.

Then the non responses from texts appear and then, eventually, they are honest that they enjoyed the date but there was no spark (I wish I knew a good electrician!).

 

Ive asked most girls what it was I was missing, what i could do better, what put them off etc but none of them could say for sure.

What are women so keen on finding out about a guy excluding their personality, history and looks?

It seems to me that a lot of women are trying to find a match but if Ive ticked all their boxes, then whats gone wrong?

[Dallers]

You need to have an [/colour]

 

I am not here to give relationship advice just give advice on forum posting

[xxoo]

If the dates are very relaxed, maybe what's missing in tension. Do you flirt with her in a light way, making it known that you find her attractive without getting sexual?

[Weezy1973]

I actually think this is the nature of online dating - if there isn't a "spark" instantly, people are very quick to move on because there are so many apparent options online. They will keep going on first dates until they find one they spark with (not realizing that an instant spark has no bearing on how successful a relationship is).

 

In the real world, attraction can grow over time. The woman I'm crushing on right now is someone I work with and when I first met her I literally felt absolutely no attraction - completely neutral actually. As I've gotten to know her over time the attraction for her has grown considerably.

 

Same with my second girlfriend - we were in the same class in university and I thought nothing of her at first, but as we worked together on group projects, my attraction towards her grew.

 

Online dating (especially for women with options) encourages the "must have immediate "spark" mentality. If they only knew how little an immediate spark actually means in the long run...of course the fact that they don't realize this probably means that you've been lucky they haven't been interested!

[CrystalCastles]

In the real world, attraction can grow over time. The woman I'm crushing on right now is someone I work with and when I first met her I literally felt absolutely no attraction - completely neutral actually. As I've gotten to know her over time the attraction for her has grown considerably.

 

Same with my second girlfriend - we were in the same class in university and I thought nothing of her at first, but as we worked together on group projects, my attraction towards her grew.

 

Same with me. I developed feelings for a male coworker a month after I started work.

[deathandtaxes]

Move on, my friend! It's nothing about you. They're just looking for something you don't have. Nothing you can do about it. Be happy for the dates and keep on looking! OLD is a different beast, that's for sure.

[Leigh 87]

I need a spark.

 

I have met dudes where they were great, however; there was just no spark.

 

I don't want or need a guy to have a 6 pack or be good looking. I've had sparks with normal looking guys, who happened to get me going far more than better looking guys who I DIDN'T have that spark with.

 

For me, I know there is a spark when I find myself wanting to kiss a guy on the first date. It's nothing to do with physical beauty; with some guys, there's just something about them that makes me wang to kiss them.

 

Where as with, say, a " better looking" guy I go on 2 or 3 dates with, I still feel an aversion to them kissing and touching me.

 

With a guy that is less good looking, I could just have that spark that compels me to want to kiss him on date 1.

 

The spark is key to me. It's rare to find, but not impossible. If your not shallow and you're a woman like me who is open to dating all different kinds of men, then it's actually not that hard to find that special "thing" you feel towards someone, when you're just drawn to them.

[Leigh 87]

Please don't worry about these women.

 

I have not felt the spark with guys who are the perfect package; good looking, great personality and with good jobs.

 

Yet I have felt the spark with guys that are less good looking and with less in common with me than the better looking dudes.

 

It's totally not you. It's them.

 

Some women, like myself, just need to feel that special spark.

 

Other women who are too picky and not only need the spark, but also need a good looking guy, tend to stay single for a long time!

[spiderowl]

They didn't fancy you themselves, but attraction is an individual thing. My best friend was attracted to a guy I didn't even notice in the room! We have selective vision when it comes to attraction. Another girl would see you, be attracted and really keen from the start.

 

If not the above, then although you both agree that each other looks nice, there isn't that strong connection when you talk and share interests. It usually has to be there for women, just looks alone is not enough. The difference between guys and girls is that guys will be happy to work on the basis of looks alone; women go for looks but then seek an emotional and intellectual connection. It is possible to think someone is nice guy (for someone else), enjoy his company, think he looks nice, but at the end of the day, not feel a real connection.

 

Having said the above, there will be girls who do feel that attraction and connection. It's all a matter of sifting.

[TB Rhine]

The 'idiots' these girls talk about are either guys who send them dick pics, or guys they sleep with who don't call them back. The 'nice guy' comment says it all, and the 'no spark' thing means they're not attracted to you, simple as that.

[HappyLove]

Don't take it to heart. Especially with OLDing! Men and women OLD tend to think the grass is greener so it's very easy to jump to the next one. For whatever reason they just weren't interested. The only thing I can suggest is don't only do casual dates maybe one too many casual dates put you in the friend zone. A first date should be casual but if you really like and are interested in a woman you should take her on a proper dinner date or something fun that's a proper date. But if a guy just kept taking me for drinks I'd start to wonder if he was really interested or just saw me as a buddy. Keep looking you'll find a woman looking for the same as you.

[Moe'sTavern]

What's this spark everyone keeps talking about? Sounds dangerous.

[StanMusial]

If the dates are very relaxed, maybe what's missing in tension. Do you flirt with her in a light way, making it known that you find her attractive without getting sexual?

 

OP, you can try to "thread the needle".

 

Or, you could try meeting girls in other ways than OLD and make your life easier.

[deathandtaxes]

What's this spark everyone keeps talking about? Sounds dangerous.

 

 

 

Very dangerous! Causes one to lose his/her mind and start doing stupid stuff.

[Kofybean]

What's this spark everyone keeps talking about? Sounds dangerous.

 

I agree. The term SPARK is juvenile at best, and underscores the person doesn't really know what they want.

 

If a guy gets heart flutters for big boobs, tan skin, and a Canadian accent, when he meets such a girl he will feel a "spark". but he will have no need to define it as a spark because he clearly know what characteristics he is after.

 

Many times you hear or read girls say, "I don't know what it is about him..." which you have to translate into "Idk what I want." Any women who can't definitively tell you what is included in the spark she is looking for, doesn't know what she is looking for.

 

There is no way to be attracted to some tangible and real characteristic(s) about a person, and not know what that characteristic(s) is, unless you don't know yourself.

 

So yes, it is very dangerous.

 

@OP: Every's advice is spot on, it's not you, it's OLD. OLD is riddled with perverted men, and juvenile women who don't know what they want and too many choices.

[Scales]

I wish we would all stop calling it a "spark". Its so non descriptive. Its something the guy does that causes sexual attraction in the woman. This is different for everyone because women find different things to be sexually attractive. The fact that women don't seem to want to admit what they are attracted too about guys is the problem. This is how terms like "spark" get created. If guys actually knew what it was that turns women on consistently, it would be helpful.

[Kofybean]

I wish we would all stop calling it a "spark". Its so non descriptive. Its something the guy does that causes sexual attraction in the woman. This is different for everyone because women find different things to be sexually attractive. The fact that women don't seem to want to admit what they are attracted too about guys is the problem. This is how terms like "spark" get created. If guys actually knew what it was that turns women on consistently, it would be helpful.

 

It would be helpful, but those women don't know themselves WHAT they are attracted to. Otherwise they wouldn't be calling it a spark, and they wouldn't be taking pot shots in the dating world hoping some random guy will have something she doesn't even know she wants. lol

[mercuryshadow]

My only advice is this:

 

If you meet a woman you really like, pick up the phone and call her after a great date, instead of sending a text. Texts are way too impersonal and IMO, can cause interest to fade. What separated my FI from the other guys was just that. He called me before our first date, and then every night thereafter.

[Quiet Storm]

Most women don't know what causes the spark, which is why they can't define it.

 

I felt the spark when my husband first kissed me at age 15. My body felt electrified & tingly. From that moment on, I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to be with him, talk to him, touch him. Other boys, better looking boys, had kissed me before him and I never felt the "spark".

 

I think it is not about specific traits, or game, or swagger, or looks. It is more about the feelings that your presence inspires in them.

 

It is a strong physical draw. I think it is just body chemistry, or biological sexual attraction designed for mate selection. I know in my case, my husband and I had three healthy & good looking kids. Maybe that spark meant our genes would be a good genetic combo.

 

It's not logical at all.

[RogerWallace111]

I don't think people are placing too much importance on feeling a "spark", I just think the relatively clinical circumstances of an internet date tend to stifle the potential for one. If either party is waiting on a spark, they're f*cking up it's natural creation. And that's likely to happen when you're more or less lining up meetings in hope of finding a partner.

 

It's like the principle in eastern thought that one can't successfully try to be spontaneous.

[Moe'sTavern]

I felt the spark when my husband first kissed me at age 15. My body felt electrified & tingly.

That could've just been static electricity. I feel the spark when I'm walking on a rug and touch a door handle.

[RogerWallace111]

I agree. The term SPARK is juvenile at best, and underscores the person doesn't really know what they want.

 

If a guy gets heart flutters for big boobs, tan skin, and a Canadian accent, when he meets such a girl he will feel a "spark". but he will have no need to define it as a spark because he clearly know what characteristics he is after.

 

I disagree. It's relatively open for interpretation, yes, because it describes something abstract. Though I can see why those who've been turned down on the basis of the other person claim to not feel a "spark" might want to discredit it or question it's weight. I haven't forgotten what forum we're on . And I think the second paragraph is pretty silly. "Spark" does not equate to physical attraction. And why so predictably cliche with that big boobs talk? My roommate is a short, pretty, brunette with a fat little booty- checks all my boxes physically, and sometimes I find myself thinking "damn, girl". But do I feel a "spark" with her?? No. If I did I'd have made her my girlfriend.

 

I guess when people get turned down, or whatever you want to call it, it can help them to attribute the other persons lack of interest to something they can't control and can't be on the hook for. So when they're told "Sorry, I just didn't feel a real spark," it's easier for them to think "oh, so I guess I wasn't tall/good-looking enough" or "well sorry if I don't have big boobs and nice skin", than question how charismatic, interesting, fun, engaging or generally cool they are. It turns it around on the other person, who's too "shallow" or "picky", or simply "doesn't know what they want".

 

"Spark" is real. It's the chemistry between two human personalities that play off eachother in a unique way both people get a special feeling from and want more of.

Edited September 16, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[Quiet Storm]

That could've just been static electricity. I feel the spark when I'm walking on a rug and touch a door handle.

 

 

I still feel it, though. 22 years later. Now it's more like a magnetic draw. It's still there, but without the urgency.

 

The thing is, if the feeling is based on pheromes & genetic compatibility, forcing it won't help. You just have to keep searching for someone that you are compatible with.

 

If a girl says there's no spark, it's pointless to try to get her to feel it. Just accept that you are not compatible and focus your efforts elsewhere.

[Kofybean]

I disagree. It's relatively open for interpretation, yes, because it describes something abstract. Though I can see why those who've been turned down on the basis of the other person claim to not feel a "spark" might want to discredit it or question it's weight. I haven't forgotten what forum we're on . And I think the second paragraph is pretty silly. "Spark" does not equate to physical attraction. And why so predictably cliche with that big boobs talk? My roommate is a short, pretty, brunette with a fat little booty- checks all my boxes physically, and sometimes I find myself thinking "damn, girl". But do I feel a "spark" with her?? No. If I did I'd have made her my girlfriend.

 

I guess when people get turned down, or whatever you want to call it, it can help them to attribute the other persons lack of interest to something they can't control and can't be on the hook for. So when they're told "Sorry, I just didn't feel a real spark," it's easier for them to think "oh, so I guess I wasn't tall/good-looking enough" or "well sorry if I don't have big boobs and nice skin", than question how charismatic, interesting, fun, engaging or generally cool they are. It turns it around on the other person, who's too "shallow" or "picky", or simply "doesn't know what they want".

 

"Spark" is real. It's the chemistry between two human personalities that play off eachother in a unique way both people get a special feeling from and want more of.

 

*shrug* can't argue with something I didn't say

[RogerWallace111]

*shrug* can't argue with something I didn't say

 

Don't take it personally, just cause i disagree doesn't mean you're wrong.

 

The only factors you listed in your hypothetical "spark" situation were boobs, skin and accent, all of which are physical features. I figured your omission of all personality/non-physical traits was intentional. Instead it was mere coincidence- my apologies for misunderstanding.

Edited September 17, 2013 by RogerWallace111