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Says she'll change but not willing to go to counseling


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Posted

I really need some input on this situation because it's eating me up inside. My girlfriend and I have been together for 7+ years now. We've had our ups and downs over the years but lately things have taken a turn for the worse. A week ago she told me that she couldn't take it anymore and that she will be moving out within the next 2 weeks. Her main complaint is that she doesn't like it that I yell sometimes when we argue. At the time that she made this announcement, she did not want to hear what my issues were.

 

Last night we finally talked about things and she gave me the opportunity to tell her the problems that I feel she brings to our relationship. She was awestruck by what I had to say, and just didn't realize what she was doing. She agreed with all of my concerns. Many of her bad behaviors caused me to be constantly on edge, and admittingly I do raise my voice at times when we argue.

 

After discussing things, I suggested that we go into counseling. We have split up once before in the past, and I am very afraid of falling back into our same old patterns. While it will hurt me not to be with her, I suggested that we spend some time apart and begin counseling to see if we can make this work. She says that she wants to be with me, but she adamantly refuses to go to counseling. When I ask why, she says that it makes her feel stupid (we did it once before years ago for a lousy 3 sessions) and embarrassed, and that she doesn't need anyone to tell her what all of her faults are.

 

I just don't know what to make of this. I'm afraid that if we don't take these steps, then we will be doomed from the start. It hurts me that she isn't willing to go to counseling when it seems (to me at least) to be the obvious solution. If we don't see a therapist, then what else can we do? Is she wrong? Am I? Please give me some feedback as this situation is truly unbearable and I just don't know what to do. I love her more than anything in the world and I want to be with her, but it cannot continue as it is and I'm worried we can't fix things on our own.

Posted

go see the therapist on your own even if she won't go. at least you will get some prof. advice to possibly at least boost the relationship in the right direction again. And yell when you argue, I don't know any couple who after 7 years doesn't.....This isn't fantasyland.......

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Posted
Originally posted by Patiently waiting

go see the therapist on your own even if she won't go. at least you will get some prof. advice to possibly at least boost the relationship in the right direction again.

 

I'm wondering whether it's possible to "fix" things in our relationship if I'm the only one attending therapy? Doesn't she have to deal with her own issues internally?

Posted

damn. Too bad she is stubborn about this but I guess there is nothing you can do to change her opinion of it. The onyl thing I can think of is getting her to believe seeking prof help isn't a negative thing and she shouldnt feel stupid or whatever but it will prolly be hard to sell her on that.

 

I hope it works out but I have a feeling it won't simply because I doubt she will make the changes she needs to. As we all know, admitting things is a lot diff than actually trying to fix them.

 

Heres hoping that it works out dude.

 

Oh and everyone yells at times when they argue. Now the degree of yelling and what is said while yelling is a diff story.

Posted

I think it's really cool that you want to go to therapy. Your girlfriend is being resistant and not looking at the bigger picture. She shouldn't really be focused on the yelling because there are deeper issues that cause the yelling - Yelling just shows you both want to be heard but really, maybe one or neither of you are really listening to each other's needs. If she refuses to go to therapy with you, I suggest that you still go for your own peace of mind. She might change her mind after you go. Hang-in there; 7 years is a long time. The fact that she has told you that she wants to move out is serious but not really fair if she doesn't make an effort ie therapy before doing something so dramatic.

Posted

what is wrong with you people?

No it is not OK to yell, especially if she is letting you know how it affects her.

Yelling is just YOU"RE attempting to intimidate her. It is disrespectful.

 

Ask yourself, when you are at work and frustrated/upset with your boss, do you YELL at him/her?

 

Take control of your own emtions. People just want to be heard and acknowledged and this can be accomplished without yelling.

 

Go to therapy on your own. You will repeat past behaviors - how you choose to deal with them now will make it different.

 

Maybe she just isn't ready to look at herself yet.

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