midlifecrisis Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 I've posted about this same subject in another thread, but wanted to ask my question in another way, so here goes: I have been dating a great woman for a year. We are intimate, profess our love for each-other, and really get along wonderfully. However, she refuses to actually commit to being exclusive with me. She says that she'll never sleep with more than one person at a time, but it is clear in many of our communications, that keeping the option open to date others is desireable to her. This has caused us problems in the past. She's got commitment-phobia, so gets freaked out when she feels like the relationship is "cornering her." She'll then pull away and entertain (and in a few cases follow-through on) the dating option. She'll also put herself into social situations where she'll meet people and not invite me. This, in turn, freaks me out -- I start getting insecure and clingy and make the situation worse. This cycle has repeated itself a few times over during this past year. I'm in the middle of another "apart" cycle now. I was just wondering, is it reasonable for someone to be intimate with you, say they love you, but still want to go on a few casual dates in order to help themselves "be sure"? It doesn't happen much, and she has agreed that if it goes beyond one or two dates with any single person, that the dynamic of our relationship should change.
Merin Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Honestly If she isn't sure you're the person she wants to be exclusive with after over a years time.. I'm going to say it isn't going to happen. She obviously knows that you care for her and want to be the only Man in her life.. yet she continues to keep her options open.. this is all okay, ONLY if it's okay with you. If it isn't.. perhaps it's time to keep your options open as well to find a woman who doesn't need to take time out on a regular basis to "be sure" Good Luck
tokyo Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 I saw a similar post of yours twice, yesterday and today. Yesterday I started an answer, but didn´t finish. Your first post made me think you are insecure, your second post shouts it out to the world. I don´t say she is stringing you along, but in my eyes she also has no reason to make up a decision as you always give in. You look like me, I don´t think you play games and you are very open about your feelings, but that has put you in a vulnerable position and I´m sure she knows it. She´s aware she can have the benefits from this relationship with you without having to commit. What I suggest is not an abrupt stop, but recede slowly, but firmly to let her know that you don´t like the situation and are willing to leave. If you threaten to leave, but don´t do, she´ll get used to it. You can´t cry "The wolf is here! The wolf is here!" a couple of times and then wonder if one day it doesn´t work anymore. It´s just not a solution. Also even if it doesn work, she will feel cornered and if she has to decide between you and her freedom, I`m sure it´s going to be her freedom. Don´t pressurize her so openly. Back off slowly, if she does like you she´ll try to prevent you from leaving, if not, you did your best. You can´t continue like this forever. On her part it might be insecurity about her feelings and that´s why she wants to date other people, but imagine if you did the same. What would be her reaction? Would she understand it and accept it? A lot of people have double standards, one beneficial for themselves and one for their partner. It´s not malice if she acts like this, but you allow her to make the best out of the situation for herself. She understands that you are bothered, but has no reason to change, because you allow her to do so. You might suggest a break for both of you, so she is free to do what she wants and you are free, too. Do it for a couple of months and I´m sure, you´ll get a much better perspective of your relationship. You are in this relationship and full of insecurities, no wonder you can´t think clearly. This is not a relationship when one of the partners is seeing other people, it´s crap. You may think you love her so much and want to support her, but shouldn´t she better get some therapy than taking things out on you and let you suffer for her insecurity? Does she try to solve this problem? It´s nice if you are worried about her, but does she worry about you? Does she feel guilty about the situation she puts you in? You have to risk and let go, if you really had a wonderful relationship and she really loves you she´ll realize it, if not at least you didn´t lose too much time. Good luck
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 I agree about the backing off thing, maybe doing less for her...Let her ask for help or need you... The other thing is, call her bluff. Tell her look, either you love me and want me or you don't. If ya do, then get to therapy, figure out why you having hangups about committing to me and lets work this out because I don't want anybody else...If ya don't want therapy and are not willing to committ just to me, then I'm sorry I need more than this. Because she isn't committing to you, it's making you feel insecure in the relationship and I bet you feel she could just up and leave at any time right? That's hard to deal with. Not really knowing for sure...She's not making YOU feel special, wanted and really needed. And I guess give it some time and see what happens...I'm all for love, but you have to also know when to walk away for your own sake and peace of mind and self respect.
Author midlifecrisis Posted November 21, 2004 Author Posted November 21, 2004 Thanks for the replies folks... You are all right on the mark. The last time this happened, we both decided we would date others, because I could not just sit back and suffer while she explored her options. Out of anger and frustration, I quickly posted an ad to an on-line site. When she found out about it, she contacted me immediately -- and things were on again! What makes this especially hard is that we do grow closer month after month, so I'm torn between backing off or staying patient. I had set myself a goal of waiting it out through the holidays -- because it was a first chance for her to meet other family members -- and we were going to make a long romantic trip of it. But I got drunk 3 nights ago and wrote a letter that point-blank asked her for a stronger commitment. This letter has caused a withdrawal, and now she hasn't returned my e-mails or v-mails in almost 3 days. Now I have two challenges: (1) to get her to contact me, and (2) what to say when she does. Last night she went to a party with a bunch of high-society types and eligible single men.... so I'm at the height of my insecurity right now! I like the idea of receding gradually -- without making an overt declaration that this is what I'm doing. But now our holidays are upon us -- I feel so lonely.....
tokyo Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Stop being so negative about yourself. If she goes, she goes and you can´t stop it. If she leaves for someone who has more money, than you won´t be able to stop this by being even more nicer. Won´t work. Be yourself, that´s much better. She knows you don´t have money, but she´s still with you, so obviously there´s something that she likes about you. If it´s not enough, it´s not enough, but you won´t be able to change it. I do recommend to do something against your insecurity. Give yourself a break, a year is long, she should have understood it by now what she wants. For the holidays, I know, it sucks.... Visit your family or get together with some friends who are also single and spend some time with them. Take some vacation, there are so many people who are alone during this time and who go out to parties. It´s not great, but you will meet other people. And you can be quite sure, the people you meet are singles, too.
Author midlifecrisis Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Hi Kooky, I agree -- I need to get my mind off of the situation and get out and do things during the holidays. My problem is that I don't have any single friends right now! Everyone I know is off enjoying things with their families. I'll be visiting my family -- but this rarely serves to help take my mind off of my personal situations. The worst of this is, is that she won't contact me right now. This means that I don't really know where she stands! Even if she has decided to dump me, see someone else, or maybe just is taking some time off to think -- I just don't know! That's worse than knowing, because I feel I can't move on right now. I've already left her voice-mails and e-mails.... so now I just have to enter this Thanksgiving week feeling awful and alone.
Cecelius Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Every woman, no matter her committment-phobia level, will get attached to the right man (or the man doing the right things). This woman probably wants you to be a man. She doesn't want you to be clingy or insecure or pursuing her, etc. She wants you to do whatever the heck you want to do, because that's confident, strong and independant. Now frankly, if she's out and about giving her phone number to other guys, etc., she may just not be the right girl. You need to force yourself to date other people -- it will be bleak and lonely for a while, but you sound like it might be useful to realize that one woman is just one woman, and there are a lot more of them out there.
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