Need

[Patience113]

I've been in an LDR for about a year and a half. My SO is from the UK and me from the US. We have met in person and when we're together everything is amazing, no arguing whatsoever. I have been back here in the states for about 3 1/2 months now. As I'm sure most of you know an LDR can be stressful.

 

Lately we have been getting into arguments over the smallest things, I feel the distance is just getting the best of us. When we argue my SO will just hang up or blow me off as if he doesn't care if we're together or not, then give it an hour sometimes less and he'll be back trying to fix things again. When he gets angry he says hurtful things as do I sometimes, but we always apologize and sort things out. This on and off is becoming quite draining though, even with the arguments we have never "broken up" we always just fixed things.

 

My question is do you think the distance is the issue? Do you think it's common for petty fights to happen when in an LDR? Are these red flags?

 

I love him and I know he loves, but I feel so drained lately.

Edited September 14, 2013 by Patience113

[TMichaels]

What are you fighting about?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Patience113]

What are you fighting about?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

They're all small petty things.. whether it be about not showing affection enough or just a simple misunderstanding about something like a comment that was made.. I admit I'm usually the one complaining about the affection bit, I understand it's not as simple to show you care 24/7 over the internet and skype calls, but sometimes I just wish there was that extra effort. As for the comments being made it's usually just small things that are taken completely out of context and that happens on both of our parts.

[TMichaels]

Do you have a plan to be together - either an upcoming visit or permanently?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Patience113]

Do you have a plan to be together - either an upcoming visit or permanently?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I'm actually supposed to be heading back in about 2 weeks. I plan on moving there full time. I will have to come back to the states though seeing as I still need to apply for some type of visa for a long term stay, so I'm really just trying to understand what's going on. Wasn't to sure if these simple arguments were "normal" in an LDR..

Edited September 14, 2013 by Patience113

[TMichaels]

I'm actually supposed to be heading back in about 2 weeks.

 

Good. Be sure you get to the bottom of what is going on and come up with a plan to improve what ever it is that's causing all the fights and misunderstandings.

 

I plan on moving there full time. I will have to come back to the states though seeing as I still need to apply for some type of visa for a long term stay, so I'm really just trying to understand what's going on.

 

Better do your homework and don't be surprised if what you plan to do isn't possible. Immigration laws including on both side of the pond have tightened up significantly in recent years.

 

BTW, why are you planning to move? Why not him? Are you sure *both* of you are "working" equally hard at making this relationship work?

 

Wasn't to sure if these simple arguments were "normal" in an LDR..

 

Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.

 

Texts, phone calls and video-chatting are nice, but they're not the same as talking and being with someone in person where you can better judge and communicate so on one hand, misunderstandings do happen within LDRs and differing expectations often lead to arguments.

 

But on the other, LDRs tend to magnify problems and issues that were already there and it's not unusual that such relationships self-destruct as a result.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Patience113]

Better do your homework and don't be surprised if what you plan to do isn't possible. Immigration laws including on both side of the pond have tightened up significantly in recent years.

 

We have pondered through a few different options(fiance visa, work visa etc) and have spoke to a legal representative about our options..

 

BTW, why are you planning to move? Why not him? Are you sure *both* of you are "working" equally hard at making this relationship work?

 

I would much rather prefer to live in the UK rather than be here in the US. It really came down to what I wanted. Since I have decided to make the move he has taken over all financial responsibilities for him and I both, so I don't feel that I'm putting in more work than him..

[justwhoiam]

do you think the distance is the issue?

Only you can say that for sure. We don't know all the details. Prolonged distance can make someone desperate. Lack of physical contact does that too... But maybe in person you'd still argue about other things...

 

Do you think it's common for petty fights to happen when in an LDR?

Yes. But that also depends on both personalities.

 

Are these red flags?

I consider your reactions as red flags. It has to do with the way you deal with things. If you have the habit of calling each other names, I don't care how much you "love" each other, but that's not healthy. I had many arguments and fights... and I know what I'm talking about, but some lines were never crossed. He should respect you at all times, even in the heat of an argument, and you should do the same. When you see some behaviors so early on in a relationship, that's a huge red flag that should not be underestimated.

 

I feel so drained lately.

Unless you move tomorrow, I guess this is just the tip of the iceberg. Chances are you'll go through a lot more than this. So be prepared.

[HeavenOrHell]

Distance CAN be the issue in some cases, in other cases couples would fall out/argue whether they were together frequently or not.

 

LDR's can cause couple to over think about tiny details, especially as you don't have them there with you for reassurance, an expression on someone's face, the tone of their voice, or a hug etc are reassuring but we don't have these things day to day.

 

My last partner I lived with for 17 years, there was no over thinking or worrying about small details, how we felt etc was there in plain sight day to day, rarely fell out, but I think we might well have done had we been long distance, with my current partner we don't fall out much but we both over think and stress about our r/ship and have split up more than once basically because distance got in the way.

 

Long distance causes more stress on a r/ship, and frustration and sometimes insecurity, not for all couples, but for many. LDR's are often draining for most couples.

 

I've been in an LDR for about a year and a half. My SO is from the UK and me from the US. We have met in person and when we're together everything is amazing, no arguing whatsoever. I have been back here in the states for about 3 1/2 months now. As I'm sure most of you know an LDR can be stressful.

 

Lately we have been getting into arguments over the smallest things, I feel the distance is just getting the best of us. When we argue my SO will just hang up or blow me off as if he doesn't care if we're together or not, then give it an hour sometimes less and he'll be back trying to fix things again. When he gets angry he says hurtful things as do I sometimes, but we always apologize and sort things out. This on and off is becoming quite draining though, even with the arguments we have never "broken up" we always just fixed things.

 

My question is do you think the distance is the issue? Do you think it's common for petty fights to happen when in an LDR? Are these red flags?

 

I love him and I know he loves, but I feel so drained lately.

[HeavenOrHell]

Very much this;

 

>misunderstandings do happen within LDRs and differing expectations often lead to arguments.

 

But on the other, LDRs tend to magnify problems and issues that were already there and it's not unusual that such relationships self-destruct as a result.<

 

I also think if the r/ship were local those problems are more likely to be easier to solve, or not seem so big/important, because your partner is there with you so things all even out and are more easy to deal with, in my case anyway.

[Patience113]

I think both of you have good points, and I appreciate your inputs.

 

To further detail the "name calling" because I don't want it to seem like it's become an abusive thing(I've been in an abusive relationship and it's far from that). The name calling is a petty thing and rarely ever happens, so when it does it stings..

 

I do feel the distance is our issues for the reasons HeavenOrHell has discribed. We have been "together" for almost 3 years, we just only met in RL within the last 1 1/2yrs and that's when things became "real." When the distance was the factor we had issues, when together in person we have absolutely no arguments and things are completely perfect. I know that even in person sooner or later there will be arguments because a relationship with completely no disagreements it's just unrealistic.

 

Both me and my SO always fix things and when we do it's straight back to the "mushy, lovely dovey" even when being apart. We both have also voiced that we think the distance is our issue because as I said when we're together these smalls disagreements don't happen. I guess I will see what happens when I take my trip back "home," when I go this time I'm staying for my full 6 month visa, so if anything is bound to go wrong I think this will be the time that it does, I've only stayed with him for a max of 1 1/2mos. at this point. I think these 6 months will be the eye opener.

[justwhoiam]

Calling each other names is not petty. It's serious. Because you cross a line and you can only end up getting used to it. And it's worse depending on the insults you both use.

 

What is happening to you because of the distance is showing you how you two react in stressful situations. As life can present very stressful moments, consider that as a test for when you'll have to face challenges.