Inovermyhead Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Hi! My complete story is posted on the infidelity forum, but, I thought this post would be more fitting here. See, I am kind of a MOW, but, the MM is my ex. What a mess! The emotional rollercoaster ride I am on with my ex is killing me! We talk, mostly by e-mail, but, sometimes by phone, and have seen each other a few times (nothing happened). We did see each other last weekend for about 3 hours. Here's the ride I am usually on: we will talk for one or two days straight, then he will say he'll talk to me say, three days later. Well, three days later will come and go, and that's where the pain starts. Day one after, I wonder why he didn't contact me and am really upset. Day two after I am still quite upset and depressed. Day three after I am a little less upset, but, still depressed. Day four after still a little less upset, still depressed. Day five after, not really upset anymore, just depressed. Anywhere between day 7 after and day 25 after (the longest it's been with NC), I start feeling better, happy again, thinking I don't need him, don't really care, am better off. Then, somewhere between the day 7 after and day 26 after, he contacts me, and says he is sorry, things just got busy. So, I fall for it, and am lured back in. And it starts all over again. This is so bad for me emotionally. I have been so upset with myself and the situation I am in, I have lost 10 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks. Is it worth it? Sometimes I say definately not, others I say yes. It's like my ex has this power over me that I can't fight. Why would he do this? Why talk with me for days, say he will talk a few days later, disappear, then come back?
Merin Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by Inovermyhead Why would he do this? Why talk with me for days, say he will talk a few days later, disappear, then come back? Because You allow it.. I'm sorry for what you're going through.. but if it's true that people can only treat us how we allow them to.. then letting him come and go out of your life as HE see's fit.. essentially is saying it's okay with you for him to treat you badly.. Are you Married now to someone else? Is he?
Author Inovermyhead Posted November 21, 2004 Author Posted November 21, 2004 Yes, both of us are. So, why does he still want me in the picture? Like I said, it is not physical.
Merin Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by Inovermyhead Yes, both of us are. So, why does he still want me in the picture? Like I said, it is not physical. Who knows why he still tries to keep it going.. could be that it's comfortable, could be he wants you to be a back up plan.. however, it really doesn't matter why he's doing it. It's not good for YOUR emotionally well being.. for obvious reasons it's not good for the marriages your both involved in with other people.. Honestly sometimes in the long run, holding on is MORE damaging then letting go. Good Luck
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 When you are past day 10...Feeling good and happy...YOU are in control. You have the control, then you give it back to him by NOT saying No, leave me alone, I can't do this anymore. Goodbye. This is making you ill. Losing weight and depression... I think seeing a therapist will help you cope. When you decide you've had enough the therapy will really help you through all this. This man is poison to you, he knows he has you where he wants you and is being very manipulative...Malicious or not, he's doing it. Good luck.
Author Inovermyhead Posted November 21, 2004 Author Posted November 21, 2004 Thanks Merin & Whichwayisup. I know, in my head that he is not good for me. WWIU, yes, he is like poison to me. But, I don't have a very smart heart. I fall into the trap of letting my heart think for me instead of my head. The situation is worse for me than him because we share a child who lives with me. He chose not to be in our child's life many years ago. For me, it's like our child is a constant reminder of my ex. My ex doesn't have that issue, he is now married to the exOW and has more children. So, our child is "out of sight, out of mind" to him. I do think it's cruel to play with my emotions the way he does, and I am not sure why he does so. Obviously he cannot be truly happy with the decision he made years ago. Otherwise, why would he even bother? I don't know if he just wants to come in and out of my life to hurt me, or for some other reason. I used to think maybe he really cared about me and was sorry. I don't know about that theory anymore. Are people really that cruel that they would intentionally mess with someone's feelings and life just to cause pain?
Merin Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by Inovermyhead Thanks Merin & Whichwayisup. I know, in my head that he is not good for me. WWIU, yes, he is like poison to me. But, I don't have a very smart heart. I fall into the trap of letting my heart think for me instead of my head. The situation is worse for me than him because we share a child who lives with me. He chose not to be in our child's life many years ago. For me, it's like our child is a constant reminder of my ex. My ex doesn't have that issue, he is now married to the exOW and has more children. So, our child is "out of sight, out of mind" to him. I do think it's cruel to play with my emotions the way he does, and I am not sure why he does so. Obviously he cannot be truly happy with the decision he made years ago. Otherwise, why would he even bother? I don't know if he just wants to come in and out of my life to hurt me, or for some other reason. I used to think maybe he really cared about me and was sorry. I don't know about that theory anymore. Are people really that cruel that they would intentionally mess with someone's feelings and life just to cause pain? Inovermyhead.. You've got to let go of this guy. Not only is he toxic for you, he is toxic for your child. ANY person regardless of gender that would abandon thier child will abandon you. Your ex husband is a selfish piece of trash It doesn't even matter IF he is happy with the decision(s) he made to abandon you and the child you share together at this point.. the fact seems to be regardless of if he's happy with the choice he also hasn't and doesn't do anything to make things right for anyone involved. There is a difference between being sorry for what you've done to another person, and being sorry you got caught for what you've done to another person.. he is the latter. Messing with your feelings and life, just to cause pain.. unfortunatley in your situation I think what he is doing is even worse.. he is playing with your life, your childs life, the new wife's life and the children he shares with her without thought for how HIS behaviour will effect anyone but HIMSELF. As long as he's happy, he doesn't care what this does to anyone else.. and it seems he is the only one getting what he wants in this entire mess.
Weird Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 I agree with Merin. This guy is a selfish piece of trash and it is horrible he jsut said "f u" to the life of the child you two had. Oh and sadly, there are people in this world who are really tha cruel to ***** with one's emotions.
KissMyTiara Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by Merin2 Because You allow it.. Exactly. I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but we teach others how to treat us.
RowanRavyn Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 I am so sorry you have to deal with this, but you have the ability to control it. You really do. It would make me angry to ignore my child and think he can have a relationship with me on any level.
meanon Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Is it worth it? Sometimes I say definately not, others I say yes. It's like my ex has this power over me that I can't fight. Why would he do this? Why talk with me for days, say he will talk a few days later, disappear, then come back?.... Are people really that cruel that they would intentionally mess with someone's feelings and life just to cause pain? You know it's not worth it. You continue because you still love him, as you said you are thinking with your heart not your head. When you are in NC eventually you are happy and if you never heard from him again, presumably you would remain so. The only times you think it is worth are in the five days when he is consistent in his responses to you, then you can maintain the illusion that he cares about your welfare. Some people are that cruel but you know your ex and from what you've said, you're more puzzled by it than anything. He may or may not care for you. He needs to be needed by you. Possibly he finds it hard to completely let you go or maybe it just makes him feel good to know he has that kind of power over someone else. Was he very controlling when you were together? Whatever the reason, he is thinking only of himself and his needs, you don't matter except in relation to how you make him feel. It's consistent with the decision he made about his child. The next time you get to a point where you care less, think about how selfish and manipulative your ex is and tell him not to contact you again.
havNfun Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Dr. Phil doesn't know his head from his ass and should not be practicing.
Author Inovermyhead Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Again, thank you TONS for your input and advice. The main story between my ex and I is posted on the infidelity forum under "torn between my husband and ex-lover." You are right, I have allowed myself to be in this situation, but, now that I am here, it's hard to get out of. I think it is even harder for me this time to "just forget him" because I saw him in person, instead of just chatting via e-mail. This time I am finding it harder to get to the "who cares" stage. It has been over a week since we have seen each other, he said he would contact me last week, and never did. I would take that as a hint, but, because it has happened many times before, and he sooner or later contacted me again, it really means nothing. It could mean that he really doesn't give a care, and just wants to talk to me when he feels the need. I don't see him as a person who is capable of feeling guilt. As far as the needing power over me, I think that could be the case as well. When I was dating another man after our baby was born, and after we split, my ex would tell me that if he wanted me back bad enough, he could take me away from him. The first time, he did. I ended up breaking up with a guy because I still loved my ex. When I met my husband, however, I made myself be strong, and told my ex that it was over, I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted a man who would be there for me and my child, always, not just when he felt like showing up. It was only a few months later that he stopped seeing our child, and shortly thereafter that he signed off his parental rights. Somehow, my ex blames me for him signing those rights away. He has told me so, many times. Yesterday I spent some time with a friend that I've had since 2 months after my ex tossed me out and told her my current situation. She helped me sort through some things, and gave me the same advice, don't talk to him. She made a good point. She said, you are not sleeping with him, right? I said, right. She said, so, it's mostly emotional. She said, I know you wouldn't do this, but, if you were to have an affair, shouldn't it be with someone who treats you well and worships you? That really made me think. I don't consider my feelings an affair. I am just stuck in an emotional warp. But, really, what am I getting out of this mess that is worth feeling this way? The only thing at all is the feeling that maybe he needs me. But, now, I don't even feel that.
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