Tim_horton Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 It's been almost three years since I broke up with my ex. We had a rough breakup, I tried to get her to take me back and she would pull away, she would try to be friends and I would pull away... We were each others first loves. The last time I spoke to her was in February of this year. But I still love her, i can't get her out of my head. I don't think it's ever going to change. Everything in my life is going so well except for This. One. Thing. My friends are confused why I'm not out there meeting new women every weekend but I just don't have any interest in them. I've tried the therapy route, the anti-depressant route, nothing can shake my knowledge that I screwed things up with her and if only I had zigged when I zagged things would be different. I've dated and it just isn't the same. I have a letter that I am sending her this morning telling her how I feel, I just can't help myself from sending it. It can't make me feel any more miserable than I feel now.
love1336x Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Don't send that letter!!! Telling her how you feel won't make you feel any better! You have an obsession with her. You have to remember why you broke up in the first time. I know it's hard, but you need to fight it. You won't allowed yourself to heal, you won't allowed yourself to see she's not the only woman in the world who loved you! Only you can save yourself... 2
love1336x Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I feel for you badly, because I know exactly what you are going through! If you have g-mail or whatever please contact me! I know having a buddy helps a lot when comes to sucky situations like this vs making contact with the ex. 2
Author Tim_horton Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 Yeah I know at this point its an obsession. TY for kind words. What an idiot I am.
love1336x Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I didn't get PM. You are not an idiot! 1
Author Tim_horton Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 Yeah does this place not have that option? I couldn't figure out how to send one.
love1336x Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I think because you are new you can't send any PM. Because with my name if you click on my username it will give you a list
dreamingoftigers Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 It's 50 messages and one month before you get personal messaging privileges. Some breakup a leave scars that last years. However, it seems like it has a lot to do with not being able to forgive yourself. Surely your ex was not a perfect individual. The fact that she refused to take you back, if it was a conflict/compatibility issue suggests that there might have been deeper compatibility issues that she hadn't coveted that you weren't aware of. Most decent long-term partners are pretty forgiving about minor faults and conflicts etc. How old were you guys? How long were you together? What lead up to the breakup? My ex was brutally hard to get over because he portrayed absolutely decent and kind behaviour as well as being 100% satisfied with the relationship and then he broke up with me six weeks before we were supposed to be married. He told me all of these complaints and irritations that I hadn't known about, that he hadn't even HINTED at so I didn't have any kind of chance to work anything out or make an informed decision. After about a month or so he started emailing me how much he missed me, come visit him etc. but the damage from a cancelled wedding etc. was far too deep and embarrassing. Plus I learned that he dealt with stress and conflict by bottling it up and caving when the pressure was on. Terrible bet for a long-term partner. Unfortunately for me I ended up marrying someone that deals with pressure in a similar conflict-avoidant way. Yet we still have very regular arguments as well. !?) 2
Author Tim_horton Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 No the breakup was my fault. After the abortion I shut down, emotionally and physically. I spent all my free time at work, I avoided her, I stopped being intimate. After the flames died down I tried to explain that I went through a period of depression but was getting help but she wasn't having it. A few months later she called to meet me for dinner. We sat down and I told her I still loved her, she told me she was seeing other people. She said she only wanted to see me to see if she still loved me. A few months after that, she texted me to wish me happy birthday. We got on the phone and I went into attack mode regarding her new boyfriend. Haven't spoken since, some sporadic E-mails. I tried to explain I was willing to work on things but she was done. Her mom sent me a nice E-mail, which at the same time closed the door on the relationship. 1
reddragon588 Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 No the breakup was my fault. No it wasn't. It takes two for a relationship to fail, just like it takes two for a relationship to thrive. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to stop beating yourself up over this. You can't change the past, but you can change the future. 1
love1336x Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 It's 50 messages and one month before you get personal messaging privileges. Some breakup a leave scars that last years. However, it seems like it has a lot to do with not being able to forgive yourself. Surely your ex was not a perfect individual. The fact that she refused to take you back, if it was a conflict/compatibility issue suggests that there might have been deeper compatibility issues that she hadn't coveted that you weren't aware of. Most decent long-term partners are pretty forgiving about minor faults and conflicts etc. How old were you guys? How long were you together? What lead up to the breakup? My ex was brutally hard to get over because he portrayed absolutely decent and kind behaviour as well as being 100% satisfied with the relationship and then he broke up with me six weeks before we were supposed to be married. He told me all of these complaints and irritations that I hadn't known about, that he hadn't even HINTED at so I didn't have any kind of chance to work anything out or make an informed decision. After about a month or so he started emailing me how much he missed me, come visit him etc. but the damage from a cancelled wedding etc. was far too deep and embarrassing. Plus I learned that he dealt with stress and conflict by bottling it up and caving when the pressure was on. Terrible bet for a long-term partner. Unfortunately for me I ended up marrying someone that deals with pressure in a similar conflict-avoidant way. Yet we still have very regular arguments as well. !?) Gosh, you are so strong. I would have totally taken my ex back like an idiot! Shoot, I want to take him back now, and he haven't even given me any attention, beside asking me out two weeks ago, but he haven't bothered to text or even called me.... But, I do admire your strength... more people need to be like you! <3
Tayla Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 try this : write two letters. 1 Letter from your point of view and then 1 letter from her point of view and how she would most likely respond. Don't send them...just sit and read them...til you come to realize...A letter isnt going to change them...It will though ...change you and your perception. THink about it 4
hastoloverush Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Whoa!!! Post abortion? How little it is spoken of that the fathers of aborted children suffer deeply. The after effects can go on for many years. Please help yourself and attend a retreat at "Rachel's Vineyard." I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but after 3 years it is most likely best to move on. She does not hold ENOUGH interest in you or your feelings for survival of a relationship, IMHO. 1
BarOfButter Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Yes, do not send it! She has probably moved on, and her receiving the letter will make her think you're crazy. This will lead to more rejection and more hurt. Like others have said, write down all your feelings on paper to not bottle up your emotions, but do not send them. Writing can be great therapy and release, but sending them will be bad.
juicygirl Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 You are not crazy after my children's father left when I was pregnant I felt the same way, blamed myself etc. It's been almost 2 years now and at one point I did want to take him, I told myself for the children but I know in my heart I still love him but I have now found ways to move on. It's not all your fault, all you have done is romanticise the relationship in your head and put her on a pedestal, she was a lovely girl that didn't do much wrong but you withdraw emotionally and stop being Intimate with her. You have to remember that you did those things for a reason, there were problems in your relationship that made you withdraw and not want to be intimate and loving with her, it's not completely one sided. You need to learn to forgive yourself and then you will be able to let go. Write out your feelings on a piece of paper of and then throw it away .what helped me also was writing out the whole relationship on paper, the good parts and the bad parts and then you'll see it wasn't as great as you thought. I'm sorry to say that she doesn't sound very nice, You said she came to see you just to see if she still had loving feelings for you, but didn't and she told you that, what a cow.Fair enough but she could have kept it to herself, it's like she wanted to hurt you. Make yourself insanely busy that's what I did, made projects around the house, take up running,skating whatever you need to do 1
bob the brave Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Wow, you got it bad. We don't the details, how you zigged instead of zagging, why it was your fault, so I can't advice accurately. But, from what you stated, you know the answer - YOU MUST LET HER GO. I may not feel right. It may not be right. But 3 years and no response from her since February tells me it is just not meant to be. Move on, get out there and find someone else. It will take time, but you have no choice. Someone here posted a deceptively simple and effective aid in forgetting someone - every time you think of them just think of something else, do something else. Don't think of trying to forget about them either, just do. Eventually, you will and someone new will fill that void that will make you truly happy.
AnyaNova Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 This is a longer thread, I fully admit to being home sick and on a mind-twisting combo of prednisone and prescription cough syrup. So I think I saw something about a past abortion and some pretty painful unresolved issues there. So forgive me if my first assessment here is wrong or lacking. I think the fundamental problem is that you are still holding on to hope. It is a trap for me, and even when I think I have eliminated the last of it, there is still some hiding. Some stupid fantasy comes up, or my brain drifts to him when I don't want it to. The thing is. As much as it hurts. You are in charge of your life. You must be the one to look out for your needs, your happiness, and your psychological well-being. Because nobody else is going to do that for you. Certainly she isn't. It sounds to me like you have defined her as your source of happiness. The problem with that, is that you have no control over external sources of happiness. They do what they please, and your happiness suffers because of it. I know it will be hard, but I think what you need to do at this juncture, is wrest your source of happiness to an internal one. You have control of yourself, your mind, and your body. So, if your happiness center is within yourself, you can always work to make yourself happiness (although truth be told, I prefer the concept of joy as described by C.S. Lewis). Even if she were with you, you would still be having problems, because ultimately she can never make you happy. She can only trick you into thinking you are happy, but if any little thing happens, she gets annoyed etc. then your world is turned upside down. I think, at this point, you have decided that she is the cause of your unhappiness, when your unhappiness, I think is much more about you. Take the time to fill your needs, learn how to make yourself happy, and fill the hole inside with yourself, your interests, your passions, your mission, and your spirituality, and your forgiveness of yourself for your past mistakes. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. I think the rest will really begin to fall into place.
Mr Scorpio Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 It's been almost three years since I broke up with my ex. But I still love her, i can't get her out of my head. I don't think it's ever going to change. I've dated and it just isn't the same. It might never change, but good on you for at least going out on some dates.
Sugarkane Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Have you tried counselling? This is traumatic to go through and it's sad you two couldn't it out. This doesn't sound uncommon in your situation. My ex left everything unresolved and I've been in NC about the same length of time. If these people aren't willing to work things out, I think they aren't worth it.
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