I'm a great catch - but can't get into the club

[Phoe]

It's just not an attractive package to women for him to be this timid shy guy who likes "cooking" and "music". That's before you go into all the nerd stereotypes Asians must face. OP needs an injection of masculinity.Sorry if that is harsh to say.

 

It's attractive to me.

 

 

I'm a musician who plays multiple instruments, dating someone similar would be fantastic. I also really enjoy cooking and a man who cooks would be great, cooking together could be a wonderful bonding experience. And while stereotypes are something I avoid, I love nerds anyway.

 

 

A guy like him would be a total catch to me. He just needs to find a girl with a mindset like mine.

[Dallers]

Who said the other 9 were "noisy and perverted"? haha

 

 

If I had ten guys lined up in front of me and one had no ****s to give, was not even looking at me and reading a newspaper, and the other 9 were noisy pervs, I'd just walk away, lol.

 

 

The guy who'd get me is the one who's calm, reserved, but happy and confident, who smiled at me and came up to me and started a conversation. Very simple

 

I was the one who gave the 10 man example to begin with. In my story they were noisy and perverted.

 

I am also that guy you list above, but the sports section and my coffee are very important to me also.

[Phoe]

I was the one who gave the 10 man example to begin with. In my story they were noisy and perverted.

 

I am also that guy you list above, but the sports section and my coffee are very important to me also.

 

I must've missed the perverted part, in my memory they were smiling at her and getting her attention, but I don't recall perverted haha.

[Dallers]

I must've missed the perverted part, in my memory they were smiling at her and getting her attention, but I don't recall perverted haha.

 

Every man is perverted, unless he is too busy with his newspaper and coffee to oggle!.

 

Love the word 'oggle' been wanting to use it in conversation for ages. Bonus point for you.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Completely disagree. Let's say that 95% of white females agree with this, which they may, there's still that 5% that don't. And it's not like you can find asians everywhere. Being asian would appeal greatly to that 5%.

 

LOL your logic for disagreeing with me is seriously flawed. I hope you can see that.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

real life example of being a "bad boy" (No Glee or soap opera stuff haha) - where can I find it? I'm just plain rude if I try to act like a "bad boy" so I wanna see it from the pros.

 

I don't pay much attention to current pop culture so I don't have any TV shows to compare it to.

 

Here are some bad boy traits: confidence, resistance to authority, sexual aggression, not caring about things.

[heartshaped]

First off, dating doesn't really start as friendship. If a woman perceives you as friend material you are already dead in the water. You need to present yourself as a potential date.

 

Second, I think your racial preferences are probably unfortunately working against you. I think dating outside of a person's race is more of the exception than the norm. Statistically speaking, people are more likely to choose partners like themselves meaning the same education level, interests, race, etc.

 

I think your best bet would be to approach more women in person. Online dating is not your friend because so many women will simply not respond based upon your race.

 

You've never been in a relationship, but have you been on dates? If so why didn't those dates ever progress into more?

[Garcon1986]

First off, dating doesn't really start as friendship. If a woman perceives you as friend material you are already dead in the water. You need to present yourself as a potential date.

 

Second, I think your racial preferences are probably unfortunately working against you. I think dating outside of a person's race is more of the exception than the norm. Statistically speaking, people are more likely to choose partners like themselves meaning the same education level, interests, race, etc.

 

I think your best bet would be to approach more women in person. Online dating is not your friend because so many women will simply not respond based upon your race.

 

You've never been in a relationship, but have you been on dates? If so why didn't those dates ever progress into more?

 

- I've probably had 2 opportunities to have a date as a younger person but because there was something going on in my life, I wasn't ready to do it. Now that I have a steady and independent lifestyle I don't see those people anymore bleh

 

- I've never been on a date alone with a woman because as a younger person I never was confident enough. I made it a point to work on my weaknesses, and now that I'm socially out and about (dance lessons, university clubs, talking with my colleagues after work) I am more than confident enough but everybody is married now or uninterested in me as a date.

 

- Friend material = dead in the water: bingo, that's like my number one question for you guys. What does a person do that makes them "Friend material only"? And can you change it and always come off as date material before friend material? I'm confused because there are also people who tell me, if you "come on too fast" to your potential partner now you've just been labelled a creeper.

[soccerrprp]

Hi, I'm in a weird situation - I have:

- a steady and very nice job; I do my job well and am confident about it

- a multitude of hobbies that I can do if I have downtime. I play 8 instruments competently and sing just as competently

- I think I look good and dress well =p

- surrounded by married people/ people who don't want to date an asian person (I always grew up around Caucasian people so I'm an asian person looking for white people)

- I am super multicultural (speak four languages well and a couple of others at a beginner level, and have travelled around the world)

- am super sociable, and am willing to talk about somebody else's interests first.

- oh and btw if it's in a cookbook I can pretty much cook it. I make a mean paella valenciana.

 

but after joining several online matching services, haven't made so much as a penpal after sending something like 500 emails. I am looking around as well in real life - but have never had a relationship in my entire life and I'm 27 now. I am very well aware that dating starts as a friendship, and the first step is always to get to know the other person better. I'd like some feedback on what I am doing wrong. The more hardball you guys play the better

 

thanks!

 

You "sound" like a winner, but this is only on paper, right? Anyway, it doesn't matter how great of a catch YOU think you are, people have different interests, motivations and attractions. And I thank goodness for that!

 

There's theoretically, someone for everyone (which is not true of course), and if you sound amazing on paper, it's you in person, day to day, that really matters in the end.

 

Good luck!

[Mrlonelyone]

You are a 6'1" tall, decent looking, well employed, multi talented Asian male.

 

I assume at 27 you are looking at women who are 20- early 30's perhaps.

 

On the lower end of that age range in women you need to recognize a number of things.

 

1.) Young women, like young men, aren't sure of themselves or who they are. Consequently for you being tall and asian might be too far outside the bounds of the box they place Asian men in. The US is a racist and racially divided country. (See below for proof)

 

2.) You sound like a great guy with many positives. If you are decent looking you would be a 8 or 9. There aren't many 8's or 9's in the world. The solid 6's and 7's you message probably think they themselves are 4's or 5's (remember young women tend to be insecure). In other words you may come off online as too good to be true, or like your too good for them to keep.

 

 

Proof: Supposedly black men + white women is a very common and accepted interracial match. Yet this Cherrio's commercial got a very racist backlash online. New Cheerios Commercial Littered With Racist Comments - YouTube

 

Given that you are going to have a hard time if you go after white women. Yet they are everywhere. Unless you make an effort to avoid them that's who you are most likely to meet and like.

[SubliminalSessions]

You have 10 cute guys, 9 of them are standing there eyeing you up, smiling at you and giving you hints it is on. Then you have another guy sitting alone at a table, doing his thing cool as a cucumber and not a care in the world. The difference being the 9 guys that are on are too easy to pick up you just pass them by as the cool guy sitting alone at the table is so much more of a challenge, interesting and mysterious.

 

Meh, that doesn't work in every scenario. Especially for someone like me who is tall, muscular, and darker than all the other 9 White boys in the vicinity....sitting around being a cucumber only attracts the drunk twats and people I'm not into. Drunk people have the courage to approach anyone.

 

So, I've been working on being more proactive in my approach. It doesn't always work, but atleast I get to choose who I want. And FYI, being interested doesn't mean staring someone down like a creep or sitting at the table all night waiting for something to happen.

 

Be a man, walk up, introduce yourself. You don't have to be all thirsty about it. But you can show interest and if the other person doesn't have it, they'll let you know. But hell, you get to kill some time, develop 'points' for talking to someone attractive, and it boosts your confidence. You may not strike it lucky with the 1st or 2nd girl/guy, but maybe the 3rd guy/girl will notice your ease at communicating and chat with you.

 

I've also found in most cases, guys sitting around like cucumbers are exactly that...dicks. They are alone because they don't want anyone around, and if they are looking, they don't put out there what they are looking for because they just sitting around crowd watching. So they spend all night attracting people they don't like because they aren't doing anything to be around the ones they do like.

Edited September 14, 2013 by SubliminalSessions

[Dallers]

Meh, that doesn't work in every scenario. Especially for someone like me who is tall, muscular, and darker than all the other 9 White boys in the vicinity....sitting around being a cucumber only attracts the drunk twats and people I'm not into. Drunk people have the courage to approach anyone.

 

So, I've been working on being more proactive in my approach. It doesn't always work, but atleast I get to choose who I want. And FYI, being interested doesn't mean staring someone down like a creep or sitting at the table all night waiting for something to happen.

 

Be a man, walk up, introduce yourself. You don't have to be all thirsty about it. But you can show interest and if the other person doesn't have it, they'll let you know. But hell, you get to kill some time, develop 'points' for talking to someone attractive, and it boosts your confidence. You may not strike it lucky with the 1st or 2nd girl/guy, but maybe the 3rd guy/girl will notice your ease at communicating and chat with you.

 

I've also found in most cases, guys sitting around like cucumbers are exactly that...dicks. They are alone because they don't want anyone around, and if they are looking, they don't put out there what they are looking for because they just sitting around crowd watching. So they spend all night attracting people they don't like because they aren't doing anything to be around the ones they do like.

 

Your story was slightly different to mine..... Maybe in the UK things are a bit different lol. I wasn't looking for any pointers cheers I have had far too many woman as it is which is why I stay single but good luck on your new proactive approach.

[lavenderlove]

I know noting about dating. But it seems it is getting more and more bizarre.

 

I have read this whole thread and it amazes me how much etiquette is out there.

 

'Coming on too fast', 'playing hard to get', 'boring interests', 'too much hard work'.

 

Doesn't everyone's different responses explain that we are all so different and we get interested and turned on by the total opposite things? So there is no such thing as a bad dating profile, or the wrong thing to say.

 

Everyone successful at dating will tell you how they do it, and that that is the right way.

 

But what is terribly wrong here is the idea that there IS a correct answer and a correct way of behaviour. There are correct hobbies and correct looks and correct ways to ask someone their number. Correct times to make out and correct times to answer to a text. And because this is not true, what there really is is a massive debate.

 

I have a female friend, who is in the exact same boat as you. She is awesome, funny, smart, successful good looking and she can't get a date. Because of her I think about this kind of thing a lot as I try to help her out of this ditch.

 

Do you ever think in a situation this: What am I supposed to say to this that will make her laugh? or What should I write to her that will make her respond? The reason why I am asking is because my friend called me up the other day asking me what she should reply to this guy's text message, she seriously wanted me to tell her what to do, because in her eyes I am good at this, because I am natural at it.

I think you sound a bit like her judging from your responses.

 

Fact is many girls would be very happy to go out with you, but you might not notice them, because you are looking so hard. And then if you happen to be talking to one, you might be trying too hard. No matter how attractive you are, to accept a way of behaviour that is outside yourself for the sake of getting onto level number one with someone (for example not coming on too fast, because you heard that's bad, so you are holding back even though you just really feel like asking her out straight away) is a turnoff for anybody, because it shows you have zero self confidence and can't go with the flow.

If you just do what feels right to you, you will probably find the right girl for you.

 

I don't know what the problem is, but it isn't your personality, salary, hight, race or haircut.

It isn't even the obviously visible fact that you want someone. That can be a good thing, and girls who look for someone available, and not mr bad boy will find that attractive.

 

Let go of the idea that dating and dealing with women is similar to learning an instrument or a language.

 

It's just an opinion.

 

P.S.: The reason why I don't date is because I meet people in real life, I know instantly if I like a man or not, if yes, which happens extremely rarely I go all the way really quickly because I am totally into him and I don't play games, or if I don't like him instantly he doesn't get to take me out.

Edited September 14, 2013 by lavenderlove

[heartshaped]

- Friend material = dead in the water: bingo, that's like my number one question for you guys. What does a person do that makes them "Friend material only"? And can you change it and always come off as date material before friend material? I'm confused because there are also people who tell me, if you "come on too fast" to your potential partner now you've just been labelled a creeper.

 

In my experience, if I like you, there isn't much you can do that would make me think you were "coming on too fast" unless you made some sexual reference or were too touchy early on.

 

My best advice is if you like a woman and would like to get to know her ask her on a date. Don't wait around for ages to do it because then you run the risk of a) her losing interest if she was interested to begin with and b) being friend zoned.

 

If you're interested in a woman present yourself as such. Don't act like her friend or best bud, be the guy that likes her. Flirt with her, casually touch her, etc.

[c57dood]

Look, listing all your qualifications is for a job application. When it comes to dating, it doesn't mean jack ****. You want to date these girls and love them, or are you applying for a position to date these girls?

 

See what I'm saying? You think women care about all that stuff but they don't. There's only one thing that gets you in good with them, and that's getting on their wavelength. You gotta vibe with them, they have to "feel" you and you them.

 

Besides, people who actively look for relationships have it all wrong. For you, a man, to be in a relationship is to lose a lot of freedom. You don't realize it now, but relationships come with a lot of conditions and responsibilities that are not apparent when you first meet. Relationships take away certain things, and you right now have something many, many women are all to eager to take from you: freedom.

[jcrew11]

real life example of being a "bad boy" (No Glee or soap opera stuff haha) - where can I find it? I'm just plain rude if I try to act like a "bad boy" so I wanna see it from the pros.

 

Just get rid of the weak, wimpy attitude. Be a guy who is not afraid of anything or anyone, and knows how to be flirty and sexual. Try dating some different types of girls for some experience, like chubby girls and not perfect-10's.

 

I would skip online dating, unless you are extremely confident, women are going to see you as a desperate nice guy who they don't find physically attractive. You need to get out in the real world and get a girl to look past your appearance and like your personality.

 

Online dating might not work because you might just not be physically attractive. How tall are you? How does your face look? Do you work out? What kind of pictures do you have up? Are you funny in your profile?

 

You might want to move to a more diverse or liberal city. If you want to meet girls, join a yoga class or shop at an organic grocery store. You should join a Christian or Catholic church if that is important in your community because priests often encourage single members to marry each other.

 

In America, we value people with strong, confident, outgoing personalities. If you're not willing to flirt and approach girls, then its your own fault for being a beta man.

[jcrew11]

- I've probably had 2 opportunities to have a date as a younger person but because there was something going on in my life, I wasn't ready to do it. Now that I have a steady and independent lifestyle I don't see those people anymore bleh

 

- I've never been on a date alone with a woman because as a younger person I never was confident enough. I made it a point to work on my weaknesses, and now that I'm socially out and about (dance lessons, university clubs, talking with my colleagues after work) I am more than confident enough but everybody is married now or uninterested in me as a date.

 

- Friend material = dead in the water: bingo, that's like my number one question for you guys. What does a person do that makes them "Friend material only"? And can you change it and always come off as date material before friend material? I'm confused because there are also people who tell me, if you "come on too fast" to your potential partner now you've just been labelled a creeper.

 

I'm puzzled as to why you think you are a good catch in online dating - girls to online to find the cool, funny, awesome attractive alpha males of their dreams.

 

If you like music, hang out at local concerts. I don't think you are as socially well-adjusted as you claim to be, if you don't have the ability to approach girls in real life. Girls care more about a guy with an engaging personality, than they do with a resume.

 

But you also seem to be focused on placating girls.

You need to be the shark who can talk to any girl, give her a nice smile, and be sexually desirable. The only thing that seems to be missing from your personality is an intense interest in meeting and banging women.

[jcrew11]

If you are too afraid to talk to girls, here are the activities that a beta man can succeed at:

 

Yoga class - perfect for the effeminate guy who wants to meet hot girls

 

Whole Foods - perfect for the vegan who enjoys cooking and eating healthy and meeting women

 

Catholic Church - perfect for the multi-cultural person who likes meeting nice hispanic girls

 

Unitarian Church - perfect for the free-spirited hippie who likes meeting equally sexually open-minded women.

 

Democratic Campaign office/Progressive Groups - perfect for the liberal activist who supports liberal causes and likes to meet other open minded liberals.

 

Anime convention - meet other nerdy sci-fi girls who like japanese anime.

[Garcon1986]

Next relationship questions:

 

Once in a relationship, don't people get the sense that they could bag a bigger fish? I simultaneously feel awkward, feel like an evil person, and feel like I should be constantly looking around otherwise I'll never know what opportunities I missed out on. I have a really interesting girlfriend now, but there's always that voice in the background.

 

Am I automatically out, from socializing with the "perfect 10s", because I don't look hot enough and don't have thick enough arms? I get called out for being superficial, but beautiful women socialize with the most beautiful guys in general.

 

Women have an wildly different opinion about sex than men do (the pleasure must not be disconnected from the committment), at least the ones that have it together. Grownups consider the "one night stand" culture a mark of immaturity, while I must have missed the boat at some point. While I know what this viewpoint is, I can't for the life of me empathize with it. How can I come back to the mainstream point of view?

[Glinda.Good]

Why would anyone care about any of those things? They are your interests not theirs?!

 

Well, I would be impressed and interested in a man with all that going on. Music, travel and languages are interests of mine. I am not the only one.

 

But it might all be a but much on a dating profile.

[TXGuy]

You're a male, correct?

 

Unfortunately, I see a couple of issues here.

 

1) You're an Asian male. Unfortunately, the US is a very racist country (even though this is hidden by all of the PC crap). Asian males can have a tough time here (though, I do know some personally that do well....these men are tall, good-looking, and don't date white girls). I, personally, prefer Asian women and, to be frank, it will be a cold day in hell before I raised any of my soon-to-be half Asian children in this country.

 

2) You seem to be too nice. You need an edge, man. You are connecting with them on a friendship level. Bust their balls a bit and play hard to get sometimes. Again, there are many countries in the world that don't work like this. The US is one of the worst offenders as far as the "bad boy" phenomenon.

 

While I don't think the US is any more racist than any other country, I have to agree with the conclusions above. Here in the US, there is a pecking order. Asian women are near the top, Asian men are in the bottom quartile. There is also a big emphasis on height. If you are shorter than average, that is another disadvantage. Also, US women (in general) prefer cocky. They call it confidence, but most can't tell the difference.

 

Given your attributes above, most won't do you much good until you are in a relationship. The one that might is your musical ability. However, American women won't much care if you are a decent musician. But they will be attracted if you are in a band with any type of following. I don't know if you could parlay your musical skills into a somewhat popular local band, but that might be your best bet to make a radical upgrade in your dating prospects.

 

eta: oh, and I agree with another poster who said that dating generally does NOT start with friendship. If you start in the friendzone, it is a lot of effort to upgrade it to a romantic relationship. Aside from the above, I would bet attitude might be your most important attribute to work on. It is hard to calibrate, but might be worth considering.

Edited June 26, 2014 by TXGuy