I'm a great catch - but can't get into the club

[Garcon1986]

Hi, I'm in a weird situation - I have:

- a steady and very nice job; I do my job well and am confident about it

- a multitude of hobbies that I can do if I have downtime. I play 8 instruments competently and sing just as competently

- I think I look good and dress well =p

- surrounded by married people/ people who don't want to date an asian person (I always grew up around Caucasian people so I'm an asian person looking for white people)

- I am super multicultural (speak four languages well and a couple of others at a beginner level, and have travelled around the world)

- am super sociable, and am willing to talk about somebody else's interests first.

- oh and btw if it's in a cookbook I can pretty much cook it. I make a mean paella valenciana.

 

but after joining several online matching services, haven't made so much as a penpal after sending something like 500 emails. I am looking around as well in real life - but have never had a relationship in my entire life and I'm 27 now. I am very well aware that dating starts as a friendship, and the first step is always to get to know the other person better. I'd like some feedback on what I am doing wrong. The more hardball you guys play the better

 

thanks!

Edited September 14, 2013 by Garcon1986

[scorpiogirl]

I don't think online dating is a good place to find a first relationship or dates if you're not that experienced. It's just a cesspit and I wish I lived in a place where I didn't have to resort to it.

 

Actually I haven't met anyone for almost two years now because its not worth it. Online sites are full of people who don't know what they want or they're looking to get laid without the hassle or whatever the post of the day is here. You'll strike out more than you'll succeed and it has nothing to do with you.

 

I will tell you that the first message that gets me only needs to be simple. I respond to simple and sincere.

 

The last one said "hi, xx my name is xx and I'm a xx (job)here at xx (location of workplace). I'd like to get to know you better. " his job told me he was probably pretty smart, and he was. Very.

I looked at his pictures but that's rarely how I make my decision on who to date.

 

I replied. We had a little witty banter. He asked for my number. There was no endless emails that say hi how are you? for 10/15 days in a row with zero other conversation.

Before him, the guy I dated wrote " let me guess, you're an xx( job).

Of course he was right and I was curious why and it turns out he'd seen a really old profile I had elsewhere that had my job listed. It doesn't take much but you find that connection with very few people online.

[Dallers]

Stop looking.

 

I have never used one but if I was on a dating site and saw you as good as you say you are I would pass you off as far too much hard work.

 

In person it shows so much on the outside, more than you could ever think. Body language is such a give-away you are doing things that you do not realise you are doing because you are forcing yourself to find someone and the more you do not find someone the more you look and the more you look the more you look like you are looking.

 

I can see it a mile away and tell that a girl is interested and it is just a turn off in my opinion, if I am not instantly interested back. Man needs to hunt, and you would be surprised that woman also needs to hunt as well.

 

I realised this about myself as I was always looking and finding nothing and now I just focus on me and blank and ignore girls that I would normally drool over without realising I was doing it. I get more attention, more intrigue and even though I still brush it off I can tell that I come across more appealing. As a girl you would have a multitude of opportunity I could imagine.

 

Example.

 

You have 10 cute guys, 9 of them are standing there eyeing you up, smiling at you and giving you hints it is on. Then you have another guy sitting alone at a table, doing his thing cool as a cucumber and not a care in the world. The difference being the 9 guys that are on are too easy to pick up you just pass them by as the cool guy sitting alone at the table is so much more of a challenge, interesting and mysterious. You want to hunt and the more the prey gets away the more you want to hunt.

[kazuma]

but after joining several online matching services, haven't made so much as a penpal after sending something like 500 emails. I am looking around as well in real life - but have never had a relationship in my entire life and I'm 27 now. I am very well aware that dating starts as a friendship, and the first step is always to get to know the other person better. I'd like some feedback on what I am doing wrong. The more hardball you guys play the better

 

thanks!

 

Where about do you live? If you're in California let's meet up and chat .

 

I tried online dating but as a guy it seems almost impossible to elicit a response, let alone finding someone interesting enough to consider. Have you tried asking friends for advice regarding your profile or how you go about conversing with guys on there?

[BradJacobs]

You sound extremely flat and predictable.

 

Dating is a lot like cooking without a cookbook. You have to get creative and create masterpieces from chaos.

[Garcon1986]

You sound extremely flat and predictable.

 

Dating is a lot like cooking without a cookbook. You have to get creative and create masterpieces from chaos.

 

Good point man I have never had it put to me that way - but I would like to hear why none of my talents are appealing? Musical instruments, cooking, sports, swapping travel stories - none of these things are considered interesting?

 

 

thanks man

[Garcon1986]

Stop looking.

 

I have never used one but if I was on a dating site and saw you as good as you say you are I would pass you off as far too much hard work.

 

In person it shows so much on the outside, more than you could ever think. Body language is such a give-away you are doing things that you do not realise you are doing because you are forcing yourself to find someone and the more you do not find someone the more you look and the more you look the more you look like you are looking.

 

I can see it a mile away and tell that a girl is interested and it is just a turn off in my opinion, if I am not instantly interested back. Man needs to hunt, and you would be surprised that woman also needs to hunt as well.

 

I realised this about myself as I was always looking and finding nothing and now I just focus on me and blank and ignore girls that I would normally drool over without realising I was doing it. I get more attention, more intrigue and even though I still brush it off I can tell that I come across more appealing. As a girl you would have a multitude of opportunity I could imagine.

 

Example.

 

You have 10 cute guys, 9 of them are standing there eyeing you up, smiling at you and giving you hints it is on. Then you have another guy sitting alone at a table, doing his thing cool as a cucumber and not a care in the world. The difference being the 9 guys that are on are too easy to pick up you just pass them by as the cool guy sitting alone at the table is so much more of a challenge, interesting and mysterious. You want to hunt and the more the prey gets away the more you want to hunt.

 

Nice point - but why is looking a bad thing?

 

cheers

[Dallers]

Good point man I have never had it put to me that way - but I would like to hear why none of my talents are appealing? Musical instruments, cooking, sports, swapping travel stories - none of these things are considered interesting?

 

 

thanks man

 

Why would anyone care about any of those things? They are your interests not theirs?! A girl wants to meet James Bond not Gordon Ramsey!

 

Stop thinking so much into it and go out with mates to a party or into town for a night out, or join a social or activities club and meet new people. That is how you will find a woman. Online Dating although it has worked for many is a very "careful" way of trying to find someone and not an option I would consider. Less self preservation and more do not give a s**t attitude needed.

 

Looking is fine. But you want to know why you are 27 and after years of looking have not found someone it is most likely following you around like the smell of dog s**t and visible in your body language.

 

The one thing that scares someone away is a person who is needy. If you appear to need someone it can come across that way. Stop looking, go do something new which involves new people with a view of enjoying yourself, not finding true love. It will find you.

Edited September 14, 2013 by Dallers

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Hi, I'm in a weird situation - I have:

- a steady and very nice job; I do my job well and am confident about it

- a multitude of hobbies that I can do if I have downtime. I play 8 instruments competently and sing just as competently

- I think I look good and dress well =p

- surrounded by married people/ people who don't want to date an asian person (I always grew up around Caucasian people so I'm an asian person looking for white people)

- I am super multicultural (speak four languages well and a couple of others at a beginner level, and have travelled around the world)

- am super sociable, and am willing to talk about somebody else's interests first.

- oh and btw if it's in a cookbook I can pretty much cook it. I make a mean paella valenciana.

 

but after joining several online matching services, haven't made so much as a penpal after sending something like 500 emails. I am looking around as well in real life - but have never had a relationship in my entire life and I'm 27 now. I am very well aware that dating starts as a friendship, and the first step is always to get to know the other person better. I'd like some feedback on what I am doing wrong. The more hardball you guys play the better

 

thanks!

 

You're a male, correct?

 

Unfortunately, I see a couple of issues here.

 

1) You're an Asian male. Unfortunately, the US is a very racist country (even though this is hidden by all of the PC crap). Asian males can have a tough time here (though, I do know some personally that do well....these men are tall, good-looking, and don't date white girls). I, personally, prefer Asian women and, to be frank, it will be a cold day in hell before I raised any of my soon-to-be half Asian children in this country.

 

2) You seem to be too nice. You need an edge, man. You are connecting with them on a friendship level. Bust their balls a bit and play hard to get sometimes. Again, there are many countries in the world that don't work like this. The US is one of the worst offenders as far as the "bad boy" phenomenon.

[Garcon1986]

real life example of being a "bad boy" (No Glee or soap opera stuff haha) - where can I find it? I'm just plain rude if I try to act like a "bad boy" so I wanna see it from the pros.

[Dallers]

real life example of being a "bad boy" (No Glee or soap opera stuff haha) - where can I find it? I'm just plain rude if I try to act like a "bad boy" so I wanna see it from the pros.

 

You don't need to be a bad boy just be yourself, enjoy doing things with new people without every opportunity arising in a possibility to find a girlfriend. This is what gives off that aura of I am needy when every new girl you meet needs to be girlfriend potential.

 

I am not sure what the score is in America but here in the UK Asian guys get laid the same as English guys. I am not sure how racism is preventing you from finding someone personally.

[JackieChiles]

1) You're an Asian male. Unfortunately, the US is a very racist country (even though this is hidden by all of the PC crap). Asian males can have a tough time here (though, I do know some personally that do well....these men are tall, good-looking, and don't date white girls).

 

Completely disagree. Let's say that 95% of white females agree with this, which they may, there's still that 5% that don't. And it's not like you can find asians everywhere. Being asian would appeal greatly to that 5%.

[fabulous]

Simple logic:

 

if you were a great catch you wound't be on the dating market so long, at least you would have received some interest.

 

Something about you is putting off women. You have a low dating value proven by your results.

 

Your primary focus should be working out why women are not responding to your initial messages of interest.

 

1) are you sure you're as physically attractive as you think you're?

how tall are you?

 

2) how much money do you earn ?

 

3) how exactly do you dress in your photos?

 

if you want post a link to one of your dating profiles and we can review it for you and give you hints to improve it.

 

I can say as a man your goal should be to present as masculine and dominant, talking about trivial "nerdy" hobbies such as cooking and music may not be the best advertisement of your masculinity.

[Dallers]

I can say as a man your goal should be to present as masculine and dominant, talking about trivial "nerdy" hobbies such as cooking and music may not be the best advertisement of your masculinity.

 

Very true ^ I am a fantastic cook and probably Michelin star potential when it comes to the ketogenic diet!

 

Nobody I fancy knows this, because in my opinion it would bore the F out of them.

[Purepony]

Sounds like your trying too hard

[fabulous]

Completely disagree. Let's say that 95% of white females agree with this, which they may, there's still that 5% that don't. And it's not like you can find asians everywhere. Being asian would appeal greatly to that 5%.

 

Remember as a man he's already using a service (internet dating) that has a heavy gender imbalance in favor of women. The fact 95% of women would reject him outright b/c of his ethnicity would be another multiplier against his odds. The maths are not looking good.

 

There's been a few articles/studies done on disadvantaged demographics in online dating (Asian men , short men ETC), there's a real bias against these men.

I think it might be if he's having such a difficult time to try other avenues of meeting women. Or it could just be his profile.

 

I see lots of Asian men who do alright in the West. The secret is being pragmatic. Don't play the game when the odds are against you. If you look terrible on paper, stay away from online dating and stick to places that display your strengths (EG find a hobby where you can meet people).

[JackieChiles]

Good point man I have never had it put to me that way - but I would like to hear why none of my talents are appealing? Musical instruments, cooking, sports, swapping travel stories - none of these things are considered interesting?

 

 

thanks man

 

What is appealing about them? As you get deeper into a relationship these things can be interest. But they are your interests.

 

Girls might like guys who play guitar, but it's probably more in a sexy type of a way than they are impressed that you can play. You cooking can be a GREAT tool, but how many opportunities do you get to show off that skill when you first meet a girl?

 

You need to find what makes you appealing an promote that. What draws people to you? Not just women, people in general. I've always used my unique/funny personality and that works for me.

[JackieChiles]

Remember as a man he's already using a service (internet dating) that has a heavy gender imbalance in favor of women. The fact 95% of women would reject him outright b/c of his ethnicity would be another multiplier against his odds. The maths are not looking good.

 

There's been a few articles/studies done on disadvantaged demographics in online dating (Asian men , short men ETC), there's a real bias against these men.

I think it might be if he's having such a difficult time to try other avenues of meeting women. Or it could just be his profile.

 

I see lots of Asian men who do alright in the West. The secret is being pragmatic. Don't play the game when the odds are against you. If you look terrible on paper, stay away from online dating and stick to places that display your strengths (EG find a hobby where you can meet people).

 

Oh, sorry, I wasn't referring to online dating.

[Garcon1986]

1) are you sure you're as physically attractive as you think you're?

how tall are you?

 

Yup I'm not film star material but I definitely get frequent looks in the grocery store from women. I am about 6 foot 1.

 

2) how much money do you earn ?

 

somewhere between 50 to 70 grand a year.

 

3) how exactly do you dress in your photos?

 

- either with a nice shirt, or 3 piece suit with properly gelled hair.

 

if you want post a link to one of your dating profiles and we can review it for you and give you hints to improve it.

[JackieChiles]

How are your looks. Objectively look at yourself. If you sent out 500 messages it clearly has nothing to do with your personality. If a female does not like you one bit physically, your personality does not matter. Post pics of the girls you MSG and what you look like if you want an honest assessment. We are here to help but need full details. Also online dating can be harsh for average men. I suggest go outside in the real world, look at girls that give you eye contact and go talk to them because you know they like you.

 

I don't buy that people are going to return messages if you are attractive. It IS your personality, for the most part. My buddy who is more attractive than I gets NO return messages. He's never got one. I get one out of every five or six.

 

I tried online dating maybe a year ago. Barely got any returned messages. Tried it a second time. A little better. Now I get that one out of five or six.

 

It could be the pictures. It could be your profile. More than likely it's the message he's sending, IMO.

[Dallers]

1) are you sure you're as physically attractive as you think you're?

how tall are you?

 

Yup I'm not film star material but I definitely get frequent looks in the grocery store from women. I am about 6 foot 1.

 

2) how much money do you earn ?

 

somewhere between 50 to 70 grand a year.

 

3) how exactly do you dress in your photos?

 

- either with a nice shirt, or 3 piece suit with properly gelled hair.

 

if you want post a link to one of your dating profiles and we can review it for you and give you hints to improve it.

 

1) As you are tall are you sure that woman in the grocery store are not just short and need someone to help them get something from a high shelf?!

 

2) Money means jack sh*t to a real woman ignore whoever asked you that. Money grabbers.

 

3) Style cannot be put into words.

 

Honestly just link us up with a pic of you or your dating site link. What have you got to lose? Plus on a forum like this you might hook up

[Phoe]

I know I'll probably get told off for this, but I disagree with the "play hard to get" bit.

 

That would never work with me. If I had 10 guys lined up for me and 9 of them were paying attention and the 10th was just chilling, paying me no mind, I would ignore that 10th man because I would assume he had no f*cks to give, and was uninterested, and accordingly I would ignore him.

 

 

If men have ever played "hard to get" with me I sure never realized it because I would assume that behavior means disinterest and I'd ignore him/take no notice of him.

 

 

"Hard to get" may work with some girls, but not with all.

[fabulous]

I know I'll probably get told off for this, but I disagree with the "play hard to get" bit.

 

That would never work with me. If I had 10 guys lined up for me and 9 of them were paying attention and the 10th was just chilling, paying me no mind, I would ignore that 10th man because I would assume he had no f*cks to give, and was uninterested, and accordingly I would ignore him.

 

 

If men have ever played "hard to get" with me I sure never realized it because I would assume that behavior means disinterest and I'd ignore him/take no notice of him.

 

 

"Hard to get" may work with some girls, but not with all.

You know they say the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and excepting a different result.

 

It's just not an attractive package to women for him to be this timid shy guy who likes "cooking" and "music". That's before you go into all the nerd stereotypes Asians must face. OP needs an injection of masculinity.Sorry if that is harsh to say.

 

Alternatively OP could just persevere, eventually I'm sure a nice women will like him. Just expect lots of rejections.

[Dallers]

I know I'll probably get told off for this, but I disagree with the "play hard to get" bit.

 

That would never work with me. If I had 10 guys lined up for me and 9 of them were paying attention and the 10th was just chilling, paying me no mind, I would ignore that 10th man because I would assume he had no f*cks to give, and was uninterested, and accordingly I would ignore him.

 

 

If men have ever played "hard to get" with me I sure never realized it because I would assume that behavior means disinterest and I'd ignore him/take no notice of him.

 

 

"Hard to get" may work with some girls, but not with all.

 

I am that tenth man, I do not have any f**ks to give. You are correct.

 

Now back to my newspaper and Americano with whipped cream. "Excuse me 9 noisy perverted men over there, keep it down please". Thank you.

[Phoe]

I am that tenth man, I do not have any f**ks to give. You are correct.

 

Now back to my newspaper and Americano with whipped cream. "Excuse me 9 noisy perverted men over there, keep it down please". Thank you.

 

Who said the other 9 were "noisy and perverted"? haha

 

 

If I had ten guys lined up in front of me and one had no ****s to give, was not even looking at me and reading a newspaper, and the other 9 were noisy pervs, I'd just walk away, lol.

 

 

The guy who'd get me is the one who's calm, reserved, but happy and confident, who smiled at me and came up to me and started a conversation. Very simple