tiernan Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 he says he loves me terribly and misses me so much and that nothing is right without me, that the pain, sadness and grief is unbearable and many many more heart breaking things like that, but at the same time he doesn't say anything about us being together, so I guess his duty to come back to his wife is still on, I am so devastated I sit and cry and cannot stop. I wished for him to contact me but when he did and I know that he is suffering as well I feel soooooo bad, I love him so much too.
beyond Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 he says he loves me terribly and misses me so much and that nothing is right without me, that the pain, sadness and grief is unbearable and many many more heart breaking things like that, but at the same time he doesn't say anything about us being together, so I guess his duty to come back to his wife is still on, I am so devastated I sit and cry and cannot stop. I wished for him to contact me but when he did and I know that he is suffering as well I feel soooooo bad, I love him so much too. I'm so sorry Tiernan, I know how painful it is....... BUT, for whatever reason he is choosing to stay where he is. Plus, to make it worse, he is not respecting your NC by contacting you to basically say nothing except how bad he feels. Please don't reply - it is all just so meaningless and empty when actions don't back up the words. Can you block/change your email address, so you don't have this false hope anymore and the constant checking? Have a good cry, but then use the time going forward to heal xx 3
psm04 Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 he says he loves me terribly and misses me so much and that nothing is right without me, that the pain, sadness and grief is unbearable and many many more heart breaking things like that, but at the same time he doesn't say anything about us being together, so I guess his duty to come back to his wife is still on, I am so devastated I sit and cry and cannot stop. I wished for him to contact me but when he did and I know that he is suffering as well I feel soooooo bad, I love him so much too. It is not your responsibility to make him feel better, since you guys aren't in a legitimate relationship. He can seek comfort in his wife. This stuff angers me. My xOMM said very similar things when we went NC for the first time which basically ended with the affair starting back up with more intensity than ever. Of course a few weeks into it, I started feeling crappy again, so things went downhill again. I'm not saying that they are lying. I'm sure they feel those things, but they still want their wives. i'd rather feel all that than feel cheap and disrespected. I hope you don't respond to those statements. I'm sorry you feel bad! It sucks when they make us feel guilty and responsible for making their lives easier/better. Whether they do that intentionally or not. 2
TooAttached Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how you feel. You deep down like hearing from him but in the long run, it's just making it harder for you. Stay strong.
ConcreteHeart Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Tiernan, I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts to you. I think if the MM contacted me I could not resist. Our relationship was only a year long, so I can only imagine the depth of your sadness around all this. Yes, he loves you, but he just can't be with you, it's that simple. He feels that he has a responsibility to the commitment he made. I think you should respect that. As hard as it is to admit that you wish he would just pick you.
Red Wolverine Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Concentrate on what it doesn't say.... That he's divorced. That's the only thing that matters. Take it from me, even if he says that, stay NC until the divorce is final. If I had taken my own advice, I would have saved myself, and his wife, a lot if heartache. 2
SunsetRed Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Im so sorry you are hurting. Know this, that if you don't end this now, the pain will continue and he will NEVER leave/divorce the wife. Using grown kids as an excuse is an indicator of this. You don't want to be 5-10 years older, still wallowing in this heart ache. When men want to get divorced, they do. My xmm has been "working" on his divorce since 2009 and his kids are now graduating from college and guess what...it never happened. We're not together, but I do know that he is still w the wife and "kids". Sorry that you're hurting. I wish you could be on the other side of this pain.
SunsetRed Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Hey, remember when you said you feared he'd never contact you again? I told you not to worry, that he'd contact you for the rest of your life if you'd let him. He will too, but I hope you're strong enough to move on and live your life.
legalgirl Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I remember that pain. My heart raced when I saw the message and then broke all over again when I read it.
KentuckyGent Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 but he just can't be with you, I think you mean won't be with her. 3
Quiet Storm Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 His contact proves that he cares about you and wants you. Just not enough to leave his family. Don't you want your own man? Your own family? You are wasting away the days of your life if you have faith in this man.
Author tiernan Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 I stay NC, and today he sent two more e-mails. What does he want from me??? Why is he doing this? he should be working on his marriage and thinking about this poor woman. 1
Goodbye Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 He is having withdrawals and is starting to worry that you've lost interest since you are not responding. Keep it up! Let him wonder. He can sit with the painful emotions and figure out his life. What have you been doing to fill the space in your life that he once filled? Keep doing stuff to move ahead in your life. You'll find that he becomes increasingly irrelevant.
cif Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Yep, this is what happens when they realize they do not have us wrappe around their finger. Your MM is probbly going through panic attacks. Good. Stay strong... he'll probably crank up the intensity in the coming messages. 1
Cali408 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I stay NC, and today he sent two more e-mails. What does he want from me??? Why is he doing this? he should be working on his marriage and thinking about this poor woman. Stay strong Tiernan, block him or change emails. Don't be #2. He's selfish, and only thinking about his feelings. If you love someone set them free. Instead of letting you move on, he's whining about his feelings. 2
Author tiernan Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 the problem is that he actually left her two years ago and we were together and happy, but now he started to hesitate again and being pulled back by the family - so literally he is coming back to her now sending me messages how terrible he loves me and misses me and how heart broken he is. I don't get it how he can do it to her and to me:(
Cali408 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 He has his opportunity to leave and went back. Now you've wasted 2 years of your life while he tries to figure out what the heck he wants. Stay the course my friend. Ignore him, and move on. As soon as he went back to his wife you should have cut him off at the knees, just like you're doing now. Don't open the emails, just delete them. You can do it and we're all behind you! 1
affairaddict Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Cali is right. This isn't love. It's disrespect. If he cared about you or your feelings he'd leave you alone. He cares more about his ego. I now firmly believe that if they cared about you they leave you alone. They do not wish to cause you hurt or pain. Block him. Don't engage 2
Author tiernan Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 So hard for you .... I can understand you wanting to answer him.... he will take your non answer as a sign that you don't want him and continue his miserable life. yeah, sure and the end of R will be my fault entirely...
Solcita2 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 yeah, sure and the end of R will be my fault entirely... I have to say that I'm recently back to the boards so I don't know your story just what I read here... you said in one point "he can't do this to me or her (ref to his wife)... then forward her the emails... can you do that? I would recommend you to change your email address, that's really closing the door for me (it worked that way for me at least!) Best of lucks!!!!
imfine Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 yeah, sure and the end of R will be my fault entirely... Your fault? Oh no sister. Your CHOICE. You are choosing what's best for you, just as he did when he went running home to a wife that he supposedly can't stand, sniff. Who cares if he's miserable? He sure as heck doesn't worry about the pain he has and continues to cause you. All. About. Him. 1
Author tiernan Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 I have to say that I'm recently back to the boards so I don't know your story just what I read here... you said in one point "he can't do this to me or her (ref to his wife)... then forward her the emails... can you do that? I would recommend you to change your email address, that's really closing the door for me (it worked that way for me at least!) Best of lucks!!!! She had known all about me from the day he told her he is leaving. He told her he loved me and wanted to be with me. And then he moved out. I am sure that she has never read any of our e-mails or texts with love assurances from him. I think it is beyond my dignity to send her any of those now. Let her have the mess of living with a H who was in R with OW for 4 years, I am sure it will be much fun and happiness, unless she will brush everything under the carpet, which is quite likely as she still could beg hin to come back after all this.
Solcita2 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 She had known all about me from the day he told her he is leaving. He told her he loved me and wanted to be with me. And then he moved out. I am sure that she has never read any of our e-mails or texts with love assurances from him. I think it is beyond my dignity to send her any of those now. Let her have the mess of living with a H who was in R with OW for 4 years, I am sure it will be much fun and happiness, unless she will brush everything under the carpet, which is quite likely as she still could beg hin to come back after all this. He eventually left her and was with you... but then he went back... by doing that he destroyed any chances left with you... because even when he comes back now because he wants to be with you, you will never know when he'll leave again, could you live with that fear? ... apparentely she will keep welcoming him back... I think the best thing you could do now is to close that door... just change your email... I know there are other ways he can contact you, but the harder you will make it for him, the better... Another thing you can do and worked for me is to put him in the ignore list, so no matter how many times he writes you will never get his emails... I eventually deleted the account because his business partner wrote me asking me how I was doing... so I just wanted to close that ****ing door and move on... that was 6 years ago. ((HUGS))!!!
Author tiernan Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 He eventually left her and was with you... but then he went back... by doing that he destroyed any chances left with you... because even when he comes back now because he wants to be with you, you will never know when he'll leave again, could you live with that fear? ... apparentely she will keep welcoming him back... I think the best thing you could do now is to close that door... just change your email... I know there are other ways he can contact you, but the harder you will make it for him, the better... Another thing you can do and worked for me is to put him in the ignore list, so no matter how many times he writes you will never get his emails... I eventually deleted the account because his business partner wrote me asking me how I was doing... so I just wanted to close that ****ing door and move on... that was 6 years ago. ((HUGS))!!! Solcita I am glad you moved on and closed the door. I cannot change the e-mail as it is my business one. I am not considering changing it for a moment. I will just delete anything that will come (if at all) from him without reading. I realise that is sooooo over now, and even if he ever came back I will not take him. It hurts horribly. 1
SunsetRed Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 the problem is that he actually left her two years ago and we were together and happy, but now he started to hesitate again and being pulled back by the family - so literally he is coming back to her now sending me messages how terrible he loves me and misses me and how heart broken he is. I don't get it how he can do it to her and to me:( That sucks so much and I know you must feel so much pain. To think that he left, you had him for 2 years and then he still cowarded out and went back to the W? I could see my xmm doing that. You could never trust this man again, even if he did leave and even if he showed up w divorce papers. He is a big time loser. Hopefully, he and the wife can suffer and be miserable for the rest of their lives. 1
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