Radioactive Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Help! My current boyfriend is a really nice guy, and I've been dating him for 1 1/2 years. I have a problem though - he watches porn on a regular basis. We've had fights about it, though I shouldn't say fights... It was like this one huge blow up, a bunch of explanations, and a few peace talks, but all ended up in him getting his way. Sometimes, I don't mind. That is to say, when I'm really absorbed in my work, I don't even have time to eat, and I'm way too busy to even remember my dog's name. Then, I don't even REMEMBER what porn is, and then I don't mind. But unfortunately this doesn't happen a lot. The thing is, I've tried watching it myself, I've got loads and loads of pictures of good looking guys - these good looking men smiling at me from the monitor, having no idea that I'm looking at them just to feel better about my BF watching porn - on my computer. The thing is, it's a big yawn. Plus, I don't feel too good about it. Then I tried watching porn with him. I was feeling like someone who'd fallen into this gooey ditch of green slime. Then I read about it ... what other people think and all. Nothing really helped. The guys are either depicted as perverts, or people who really need it - it's like porn is oxygen and you'd need a whole new respiratory mechanism if you wanted an alternative. The girlfriends who don't like the guys to watch porn are depicted as bitchy, primitive, unsophisticated or hysterical people who can't deal with anything. Anyways, to shorten the rest of what I have to say, I feel really hurt when he watches porn. I've started to drink. Help!
jesusfist Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 just one thing first i'm a guy so this is coming from my point of view, may be biased etc. Have you told him how you feel when he watches porn? how did he react?. One thing i could never understand is how guys can keep watching porn when they've got a girlfriend whos alot more fun and keep watching it even though its causing problems in their relationship and hurting their SO...like seriously wtf how dumb can guys be? Perhaps its an addiction or maybe he's just using as an aid to help him get off and that the persons depicted in the porn mean nothing to him at all. If he just masterbated without porn would you feel hurt in the same way?
missopinionated Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Great, so rather than do something positive, you've chosen two self-destructive routes -- booze and pictures of guys you'll never meet. By the way, the majority of those beefcakes are gay. Does this bug you enough to stand up to him on? If yes, do it. If not, quit moaning about it. If it does bug you, give him an ultimatum and stick to it. Drinking, looking at pictures of gorgous gay men and not sticking to your guns won't make you any more attractive - and you're already losing out to really gross people who get it on with strangers in public. I'd be looking for someone who treats me like a queen and has a little self respect. You could cure this by telling all his buddies that he'd rather do it alone than with you. You could also just decide that you're worth more and move out.
Radioactive Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Yes, I've talked to him about it that's when we had this fight and the peace talks and everything I've mentioned.... I can't tell his friends that he prefers porn to me, because it's not really a nice thing to do... I did tell HIM though... I read this article about porn destroying a woman's self worth, and I think that's the problem.... If you can suggest other stuff that i could do, I'd appreciate it.. Thanks.
moimeme Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Anyways, to shorten the rest of what I have to say, I feel really hurt when he watches porn. I've started to drink. Help! I read this article about porn destroying a woman's self worth, and I think that's the problem.... If you let something destroy your self-worth, you didn't have much to start out with. You have given over your power over your own feelings to him. I just love how people say out of one side of their mouth that people have to be responsible for themselves and then out of the other put the weight of their own self-worth on others. The point is this: if your bf is not denying you sex in favour of porn, and if he does it when you're otherwise occupied or unavailable, and if he assures you he loves you and thinks you're sexy, then your continuing to freak out about this - even to the point of drinking - is your own problem caused by your own misinterpretation of what's going on. If someone says to you that he does not 'prefer' the porn to you and does not behave as if he does (i.e. choosing porn over sex with you), then the problem is all in your own mind and that's where it has to be excised from. Read some Albert Ellis books. He was a pioneer of explaining how people cause their own problems by choosing to think certain ways. Think differently and - poof - the problems go away. Understand this - the porn has nothing to do with you. Once you manage to disconnect the two in your own mind, you'll feel much better.
Radioactive Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Okay, say that i had no self worth to start with, and I have no power over my feelings and everything else that I'm accused of... I'm not BLAMING him for deliberately trying to make me feel bad. I just feel hurt about the whole thing. IT's not a misinterpretation. He watches porn and it makes me feel bad. I just want a solution. How do I tell him. WHat do I tell him. Because I tried telling him in the past and we fought about it. He's very territorial about him watching porn. I need to get around all of that, and that's where I need help.
The_Analyzer Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Its a pretty simple solution. Two things you either do. One you either accept it,(Which personally I don't think you should, but thats just me) and learn to deal with it. Or two you move on to a better relationship. Someone who cares about your feelings on the issue. If he did care knowing how you feel then he would stop. Then again he may have become addicted and if so then he needs help. Porn is a touchy subject, and you will get many opinons on what you should do. However, no matter what anyone says, you have to do what you feel is right. If you think hes not gonna stop no matter how you feel, then move on. Its pretty much cut and dried. Good luck. _________________________________ "Don't argue with me, you wont win."
BrightLights Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Hey! I had the same problem with my ex. I broke it off with him because I just couldn't take anymore, I hated feeling ugly, and him watching porn always made me feel ugly. I felt I couldn't compete with those women he looked at. T he guy I'm dating now used to watch at the begining of our relationship. We weren't committed to each other at first, it was then he used to watch. Those days I didn't tell him what i felt. Then his mother died and he was devastated and after that, we became closer. I'll skip through the problems we had with his recovery, and other things. I'll tell you what its like now. We love each other, and we are passionate about our relationship. SO he doesn't feel the need to watch porn anymore. Infact, he thinks that I'm the most beautiful girl he knows and treats me like a princess. I'm not gloating here. I think you deserve someone who is considerate of your feelings. you should give serious consideration to breaking it off. Take care.
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