darkmoon Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 don't answer the phone, see what type of message/s he leaves or how often he tries to get you in person, phone him back even just for a chat, but not til the next day, just be different for a day see what he comes back with 1
The Way I Am Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I replied back "I'm busy today, but you can take me out on a date somewhere nice tomorrow? ;)" and he said that he was busy and had no money. I felt rejected. Yeah, he already told you what he wants -- or rather doesn't want -- you just didn't want to listen. How should I end it? Just don't initiate any contact with him. If he asks you on a proper date, then you can decide whether it's worth it to go. If he asks you to "hang out" again, give him the same response you initially did. "I'm busy but I'm free on the weekend." Don't agree to any same-day "hang outs". And this time, don't second guess yourself and agree to less than what you want in order to appease him. Once he realizes that you expect to be treated properly, he'll either do that or, if he has no interest in the type of relationship you want, he'll move on. 2
HappyLove Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 All great advice here. At first I thought a & c but after learning more its B all the way! I mean this guy is 43, he should know how to date by now, if he wanted to. Then he just wants to call you last minute to hang out around his friends? And sounds like you feel like he's just showing you off. But I was really B all the way when you said, that he said, "busy and had no money", its a wrap! His broke old azz shouldn't even be dating if he can't afford to. He's not even creative. I mean a 18 yr old can afford to take you on a proper date. NEXT! I'd be turned off. It's just too much. I wouldn't have a "talk" either. Just continue on with your life finding a good match. If he calls to take you on a proper date and you're bored as heck, then consider going. But 43, can't date well, broke. I don't think your missing out here. 2
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 All great advice here. At first I thought a & c but after learning more its B all the way! I mean this guy is 43, he should know how to date by now, if he wanted to. Then he just wants to call you last minute to hang out around his friends? And sounds like you feel like he's just showing you off. But I was really B all the way when you said, that he said, "busy and had no money", its a wrap! His broke old azz shouldn't even be dating if he can't afford to. He's not even creative. I mean a 18 yr old can afford to take you on a proper date. NEXT! I'd be turned off. It's just too much. I wouldn't have a "talk" either. Just continue on with your life finding a good match. If he calls to take you on a proper date and you're bored as heck, then consider going. But 43, can't date well, broke. I don't think your missing out here. I can't argue with that... I think the next time he contacts me, I will simply say "I'm busy but I'm free next weekend" - which will show that I'm not going to put up with this "last minute hanging out" crap anymore, and see how he responds. If he doesn't man up and actually offer to take me out, I'm done.
HappyLove Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I can't argue with that... I think the next time he contacts me, I will simply say "I'm busy but I'm free next weekend" - which will show that I'm not going to put up with this "last minute hanging out" crap anymore, and see how he responds. If he doesn't man up and actually offer to take me out, I'm done. Sounds good! You have to show people how you want to be treated and maybe this guy just isn't up to your standards, which are not unreasonable btw. Is he divorced with kids or anything? Maybe this is just how he's lived his whole life and clearly your a woman looking for more. I wouldn't waste one more second of my time if that's the case. 1
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 Sounds good! You have to show people how you want to be treated and maybe this guy just isn't up to your standards, which are not unreasonable btw. Is he divorced with kids or anything? Maybe this is just how he's lived his whole life and clearly your a woman looking for more. I wouldn't waste one more second of my time if that's the case. He doesn't have kids, and I would be VERY surprised if he has ever been married. I get the impression that he has simply lived like this his whole life - he probably thinks it's normal/acceptable to "date" a woman in this lazy way. My guess is that he's used to dating low-class, possibly "junkie" women who put up with this behaviour. You would think he would put in a bit more effort to woo a young, classy, educated girl (if I do say so myself )...it just baffles me. Maybe he needs to be "taught" how to properly treat a lady. If so, I don't know if I'm up for the task...
HappyLove Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 He doesn't have kids, and I would be VERY surprised if he has ever been married. I get the impression that he has simply lived like this his whole life - he probably thinks it's normal/acceptable to "date" a woman in this lazy way. My guess is that he's used to dating low-class, possibly "junkie" women who put up with this behaviour. You would think he would put in a bit more effort to woo a young, classy, educated girl (if I do say so myself )...it just baffles me. Maybe he needs to be "taught" how to properly treat a lady. If so, I don't know if I'm up for the task... Sounds like you need to cut your losses. Nope, don't go in thinking you can change a man, at 43 what you see is what you get! 1
nescafe1982 Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Maybe he needs to be "taught" how to properly treat a lady... I think it's more like: maybe he needs to go back to "hanging out" with women who are down for that sort of thing, and stop wasting your time. 2
snowflakes88 Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Don't kid yourself... a 43 year old man knows how to treat a lady. No offense, but that's likely the reason he is dating such a young woman. A more mature woman (again, I don't mean that offensively -- but I mean a woman with more dating/life experience) would not tolerate his non-effort. Period. I'm 100% sure he knows this. He treats you this way not because he doesn't know better, but because (1) you allow it, and (2) you're still sufficiently young and naive to be questioning and second-guessing yourself, rather than simply moving on to the next, like a more mature woman would do. 8
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 Don't kid yourself... a 43 year old man knows how to treat a lady. No offense, but that's likely the reason he is dating such a young woman. A more mature woman (again, I don't mean that offensively -- but I mean a woman with more dating/life experience) would not tolerate his non-effort. Period. I'm 100% sure he knows this. He treats you this way not because he doesn't know better, but because (1) you allow it, and (2) you're still sufficiently young and naive to be questioning and second-guessing yourself, rather than simply moving on to the next, like a more mature woman would do. I think you're right It's easier to believe that he's clueless as opposed to purposefully treating me this way simply because he can. It hurts. Especially because this has happened to me in the past. I'm new at the dating game, and so far I have not had a pleasant experience...I keep trusting that people have the best intentions, I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt...and look where it gets me.
HappyLove Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I think you're right It's easier to believe that he's clueless as opposed to purposefully treating me this way simply because he can. It hurts. Especially because this has happened to me in the past. I'm new at the dating game, and so far I have not had a pleasant experience...I keep trusting that people have the best intentions, I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt...and look where it gets me. You're not doing anything wrong! This is the learning process of life and dating. The only reason some of us can see what's coming from a mile away is because we've been there done that...several times. You just have to learn what it is you're looking for, what you expect in a relationship, how to spot red flags...etc...etc. It's all a part of life we are all still learning. You'll get better at not investing in men who are simply wasting your time. 2
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 (edited) You're not doing anything wrong! This is the learning process of life and dating. The only reason some of us can see what's coming from a mile away is because we've been there done that...several times. You just have to learn what it is you're looking for, what you expect in a relationship, how to spot red flags...etc...etc. It's all a part of life we are all still learning. You'll get better at not investing in men who are simply wasting your time. Thank you Happylove. I am definitely learning. After my first "boyfriend", I am getting better at spotting red flags and walking away when I'm not treated properly. Edited September 15, 2013 by tinydancer93 2
forgetmenot75 Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Go with B. there are red flags out there and you are choosing to ignore. He might be emotionally unavailable. He's 43, never married, no kids, he doesn't invite you on a proper date, he flakes, he hungs out with friends all the time??? Run as fast as you can, he will not change, 100% assured. 2
PlumPrincess Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I guess, if he is 43, then I would not take c), but just move on. That's a waste of time here. 1
Leegh Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 c) Just so you won't have feelings of regret later on. I agree. Find out now, as that way you won't be wondering for months about what happened. Nothing is worse than not having closure. I have been in that situation before, and it bothered me tremendously not knowing if there was a misunderstanding in the relationship.
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 My friend thinks I can "train" him so that he becomes "boyfriend material", like she did with her boyfriend (who she has been with for two years now), who when they first started dating used to behave similarly to (and is even older than) the guy I am seeing now. I'm really not sure what to think, if I am giving up too easily or if I should just move on asap...
PlumPrincess Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 You're 20 and he's 43. Seriously, find someone your age. How do you expect your future with him to be like? He could be your father.
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 You're 20 and he's 43. Seriously, find someone your age. How do you expect your future with him to be like? He could be your father. There's no need to be judgmental. I've always preferred older men and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. Each to their own. If you have nothing helpful to say, don't say it at all.
StanMusial Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 He sounds like a cheap, poor loser. Don't you think you can do better?
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 He sounds like a cheap, poor loser. Don't you think you can do better? I can't be that special if a "cheap, poor loser" doesn't even want me!
mikei880 Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I can't be that special if a "cheap, poor loser" doesn't even want me! TD do not think that! There is a reason this guy is 43 and never married . He's very lucky to have even started something with someone your age. Have some self respect and get out. Just tell him "I can't do this anymore" . No need to give a reason. Don't listen to him if he says he'll change. He had his shot, he blew it. Good luck! 1
snowflakes88 Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 My friend thinks I can "train" him so that he becomes "boyfriend material", like she did with her boyfriend (who she has been with for two years now), who when they first started dating used to behave similarly to (and is even older than) the guy I am seeing now. I'm really not sure what to think, if I am giving up too easily or if I should just move on asap... This. This right here is why he's dating you in the first place. You don't have to train a man to take you on a real date. You don't have to train a man to spend quality time with you. You don't have to train a man to put forth effort where you are concerned. Men -- especially one who is almost 50 years old -- know that these things are required to score a quality woman. And they will do those things WITHOUT BEING ASKED/TRAINED/LECTURED, if and when they are truly interested in a woman and realize from her behavior -- not her words -- that she will not accept anything less. You say you are mature for your age, but you are incredibly, incredibly, incredibly naive when it comes to dating. He is playing on that. No doubt about it. 3
snowflakes88 Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 (edited) TD do not think that! There is a reason this guy is 43 and never married . He's very lucky to have even started something with someone your age. Have some self respect and get out. Just tell him "I can't do this anymore" . No need to give a reason. Don't listen to him if he says he'll change. He had his shot, he blew it. Good luck! She doesn't even know whether he's been married or not... just said she'd be very surprised if he has been. I'm not sure how/why OP is convinced there is "serious relationship potential" when she doesn't even know this kind of basic information about him. ETA: Yikes, OP. Just read in your prior post that you ended up fooling around with him in bed on the 2nd time you hung out. Add this to the list of reasons he's continuing with you. If you're willing to go over and hook up with him and he doesn't even have to take you on a date, why would he not?? Has he ever even come to you or come to pick you up? Edited September 15, 2013 by snowflakes88 1
PlumPrincess Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 There's no need to be judgmental. I've always preferred older men and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. Each to their own. If you have nothing helpful to say, don't say it at all. If you were mature enough to date a 43 year old dude, then you wouldn't be here asking pretty much basic questions about respect. You would understand that his behavior is crappy, especially for someone who is 43, and you wouldn't need a dozen people here tell you to take option b). You would also understand very clearly that his behavior indicates that he likes your youth and considers you a fine piece of ass, to put it very, very brutally, but that's about it. You can try to train him like your friend suggested, but frankly, he doesn't look like the material to build a relationship with, and, once again, if you had this skill set, you wouldn't be posting on this forum. 3
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 You are all absolutely right, as painful as it is to hear. I so naive that I'm borderline stupid. I will never let this happen again. I will no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. If you (any of you) were in my shoes, what would be your final message to him? I want to make it clear to him that I understand what he is doing and that it's not acceptable. I want him to feel remorse and regret.
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