Am I wasting my time with him?

[tinydancer93]

I've been seeing this guy for a good few weeks now. He pursued me heavily in the beginning and we had a great first date. I enjoy spending time with him and can see relationship potential, but I'm starting to wonder if I am wasting my time. Here is why:

 

• He only asks me out at the last minute (i.e. on the day)
  
• He doesn't take me out - he simply asks me to come "hang out" at his (so we don't go on proper dates)
  
• His friends are always around so we hardly get quality alone time
  
• Whenever he does actually make plans, he doesn't stick to them
  

I feel like I have three options:

A) Go with the flow, relax, and see how things turn out

B) Stop seeing him and move on

C) Confide in him how I feel and ask him how he feels about me and where he sees "us" going - perhaps he will tell me he is only looking for something casual and doesn't want to progress any further (in which case we will part ways) or perhaps, if he is truly interested in me, knowing how I feel, he will step up his game.

 

Which option do you think I should go with? Do you think option C is worth a try? If I do decide to talk to him about it, how do I express my desires (e.g. for more quality time together; for this to actually lead somewhere (i.e. relationship potential)) without sounding demanding or critical of him? Basically I just want to express my desires and feelings and see if he is willing to work with that or not, but I want to come from a loving, non-judgemental place so that he is willing to listen and talk openly with me. Any advice is much appreciated!

[todreaminblue]

hey tiny dancer,

 

 

i think you should do a followed by c...

 

 

take some time see how it goes relax a bit, ... but ...when you start to feel frustrated and angry at no change those are feelings you cant sit on, sit him down and speak to him openly and honesty...i wish you well...good luck...deb

[PlumPrincess]

c)

 

Just so you won't have feelings of regret later on.

[TigerCub]

B)

 

Because you don't really need to ask him to know that he's not trying to date you for real.

 

A last minute invite to go and hang out at his place isn't a date.

If he was really into you, he'd be putting a lot more effort - at least in the beginning.

[juicygirl]

Go with C and just asking ,but to be honest it does kind of sound like you're a bit of a backup plan and some what of a trophy girlfriend.

[PlumPrincess]

B)

 

Because you don't really need to ask him to know that he's not trying to date you for real.

 

A last minute invite to go and hang out at his place isn't a date.

If he was really into you, he'd be putting a lot more effort - at least in the beginning.

Well, she might get hung up later on on the "what if"-question. I don't think he is that interested either, but I would say, going for a clear answer is best for peace of mind.

[KatZee]

This guy is either really lazy in relationships or you're just the backup plan. Neither types are guys you want to be in a relationship with. You want a guy who is really into you, not one who flakes, but then invites you to "hang" last minute.

 

He's not properly dating you, he's put forth zero effort. It's a waste of your breath to bring anything up since its only been a few weeks.

[TigerCub]

Well, she might get hung up later on on the "what if"-question. I don't think he is that interested either, but I would say, going for a clear answer is best for peace of mind.

 

Yeah I get that she may wonder what if, if she doesn't talk to him. But what's to stop him from lying and saying 'of course I want something real and long term, I just wanted to take it slow to see how things go'

 

Then she'll stick around and waste more time and show him that even she doesn't think she deserves better.

 

I think people should trust their gut and not put up with being treated less than they know they deserve.

[KatZee]

Yeah I get that she may wonder what if, if she doesn't talk to him. But what's to stop him from lying and saying 'of course I want something real and long term, I just wanted to take it slow to see how things go'

 

Then she'll stick around and waste more time and show him that even she doesn't think she deserves better.

 

I think people should trust their gut and not put up with being treated less than they know they deserve.

 

Exactly. Most guys who behave this way are going to pump you up full of bullsh*t just to keep you around. Watch the actions, not what he's saying.

[soccerrprp]

I've been seeing this guy for a good few weeks now. He pursued me heavily in the beginning and we had a great first date. I enjoy spending time with him and can see relationship potential, but I'm starting to wonder if I am wasting my time. Here is why:

 

• He only asks me out at the last minute (i.e. on the day)
  
• He doesn't take me out - he simply asks me to come "hang out" at his (so we don't go on proper dates)
  
• His friends are always around so we hardly get quality alone time
  
• Whenever he does actually make plans, he doesn't stick to them
  

I feel like I have three options:

A) Go with the flow, relax, and see how things turn out

B) Stop seeing him and move on

C) Confide in him how I feel and ask him how he feels about me and where he sees "us" going - perhaps he will tell me he is only looking for something casual and doesn't want to progress any further (in which case we will part ways) or perhaps, if he is truly interested in me, knowing how I feel, he will step up his game.

 

Which option do you think I should go with? Do you think option C is worth a try? If I do decide to talk to him about it, how do I express my desires (e.g. for more quality time together; for this to actually lead somewhere (i.e. relationship potential)) without sounding demanding or critical of him? Basically I just want to express my desires and feelings and see if he is willing to work with that or not, but I want to come from a loving, non-judgemental place so that he is willing to listen and talk openly with me. Any advice is much appreciated!

 

It's CLEARLY "C" for me. Given what you have shared and how you feel, you need to do "C."

[tinydancer93]

How old r you?

and I think c and b is good.

leave or have first a conversation.

 

I'm 20, he is 43. Yes, it's a huge age difference I know, but I've always preferred older men. Do you think this has any sort of impact on the issue in question...? Does he not take me very seriously because I'm young and naive and therefore he thinks he can get away with treating me as something "casual"?

[deathandtaxes]

Next time he asks you out last minute, say you're busy and can't. Then see what happens. But it already seems that when he does properly makes plans he flakes. Why are you wasting time on this one?

[tinydancer93]

oh my. now I see. I do think the age thing. most be a reason why

he acts like that.

but did you tell your parents about his age?

 

I think he is to old and you are no not far from 18.

and dating old people like that can get you in horible stuff.

especially if you are not street wise and alot more mature then

your age.

 

you canm get use and abuse easily.

this dude dont take you serieus.

if you want older look for between 21-25.

 

because you may be putting yourself in great danger.

reading this I think you should chaoose b and run.dont look back.

 

because looking at the whole pic he may have been

acting like that for a while hoping you will leave by yourself.

but you still not get it.

and in cases like this some dudes may use you or just give you what

you want and leave you so they be free from you..

 

I've dated men around that age before. My parents know about it. I'm mature for my age and I don't feel like I'm in any sort of danger - other than maybe a broken heart! I think you might be right that he doesn't take me seriously because of my age. I think he just likes to show me off to his friends I am definitely considering option B because I don't feel like talking to him about it would do any good...

[nickwins23]

It's funny I can't give guys advice about women but I can give women decent advice about men? Anyways I have a similar situation to yours happening at my job. There's this guy who is 39 dating an 19 year old girl. Let's just she's looking for a long future. He's not he's been around the block a couple times so he wanted to try something new. Not saying he doesn't like her but I can guarantee you that her feelings are stronger for him than vice versa. In your situation it sounds like it's almost the same thing. I wouldn't put to much stock into him if he calls you at the last second to "hang out". I'd say option B) or C) is your best bet. The age difference usually ends up bad when the gap is 7 years or more. But based on what your telling us he's not making you a number one option.

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds to me as though you're a plaything for this guy. By his age, he should have a decent idea of how to court a woman he wants a relationship with. He's not doing that - he's making a minimum effort for maximum return.

[The Way I Am]

Well, she might get hung up later on on the "what if"-question. I don't think he is that interested either, but I would say, going for a clear answer is best for peace of mind.

 

Based on my own experience, the best way to get a clear answer in these cases is actually *not* to sit down and have a heart to heart chat with the person who's not giving you the proper time of day.

 

All you'll get is words. Usually flattering words that leave you hanging long past what you would have if you had followed your instincts instead of choosing to grasp at straws.

 

Just stop reaching out to him, stop agreeing to go "hang out" last minute. Stop putting all your eggs in that basket. Let his *actions* give you your answer instead of giving him the opportunity to lead you on with empty words. If he wants a real relationship, he'll tell you with his actions.

[tinydancer93]

It sounds to me as though you're a plaything for this guy. By his age, he should have a decent idea of how to court a woman he wants a relationship with. He's not doing that - he's making a minimum effort for maximum return.

 

I'm inclined to agree with you. However, rather than being a jerk who doesn't know how to court a lady, it could just be that he's very laid back, and I'm not. He obviously wants his freedom, and probably has an extreme need for personal freedom in a relationship. Whereas I want security and deep emotional connection in a relationship. If this is the case, neither of us could really be happy together because our needs and desires are incompatible. That being said, he could just be playing me because he thinks he can get away with it. I just don't know. I guess, either way, things aren't going to work out...unless the freedom thing is the issue, and I compromise my own needs to meet his. I'm not sure I could do this without being very unhappy in the long run...but perhaps we could both "meet in the middle". Thoughts?

[nescafe1982]

he's making a minimum effort for maximum return.

 

This.

 

..the best way to get a clear answer in these cases is actually *not* to sit down and have a heart to heart chat with the person who's not giving you the proper time of day. All you'll get is words. Usually flattering words that leave you hanging..

 

And This.

 

Go with B. Stop waiting around for him, broaden your horizons and multi-date. If this man is going to turn around and start dating you properly, it has to be his idea, not something you asked him for.

 

Good luck.

[tinydancer93]

If this man is going to turn around and start dating you properly, it has to be his idea, not something you asked him for.

 

YES, exactly! I want someone to date me properly because they WANT to. I shouldn't have to ask.

[nescafe1982]

YES, exactly! I want someone to date me properly because they WANT to. I shouldn't have to ask.

 

Yes, but at the same time, you have to show people how to treat you.

 

The first time a guy wants to take you out, but then the "date" is hanging at his place with some friends? Well, just don't go. Ask to do something else. Make other plans, etc.

 

I mean, he SHOULD want to put in the effort. But the thing you must do is refuse to settle for less than a good amount of effort. Especially early on, because at the early stages we are literally showing a man how we expect him to treat us.

 

If it had been me? "Oh, you want me to come over there and watch a movie with your friends? You know what? I want to go out somewhere, do something exciting.... maybe I can call my girl Sara up to get a cocktail or something."

 

And if he tried to make the same-day "date"? "Oh. Sorry, I already have plans tonight! How's next weekend?" (No explaining what you're up to, though... your "plans" can be washing your hair, whatever.)

 

Just my approach.

[tinydancer93]

Yes, but at the same time, you have to show people how to treat you.

 

The first time a guy wants to take you out, but then the "date" is hanging at his place with some friends? Well, just don't go. Ask to do something else. Make other plans, etc.

 

I mean, he SHOULD want to put in the effort. But the thing you must do is refuse to settle for less than a good amount of effort. Especially early on, because at the early stages we are literally showing a man how we expect him to treat us.

 

If it had been me? "Oh, you want me to come over there and watch a movie with your friends? You know what? I want to go out somewhere, do something exciting.... maybe I can call my girl Sara up to get a cocktail or something."

 

And if he tried to make the same-day "date"? "Oh. Sorry, I already have plans tonight! How's next weekend?" (No explaining what you're up to, though... your "plans" can be washing your hair, whatever.)

 

Just my approach.

 

I think you make an excellent point. I do accept some responsibility for how he is treating me - you are absolutely right, I should have not agreed in the first place to anything less than a proper date. I guess I just thought it might have been a one-off. I DID try to turn the tables though, when the second time he asked me last minute to "hang out", I replied back "I'm busy today, but you can take me out on a date somewhere nice tomorrow? ;)" and he said that he was busy and had no money. I felt rejected. So I didn't ever bother asking for him to take me out again. Fair enough if he was busy, but he didn't even suggest another time. And as far as the money thing goes, I'm perfectly happy to do things that don't cost any money, and I sent him a text explaining that but he never replied to that text...I kind of feel like I might have been too demanding by asking for a date to a "nice place" -- he obviously thought I meant somewhere fancy (expensive) when all I was trying to do was let him know that I expected him to romance me a bit more...

[nescafe1982]

I think you make an excellent point. I do accept some responsibility for how he is treating me - you are absolutely right, I should have not agreed in the first place to anything less than a proper date. I guess I just thought it might have been a one-off. I DID try to turn the tables though, when the second time he asked me last minute to "hang out", I replied back "I'm busy today, but you can take me out on a date somewhere nice tomorrow? ;)" and he said that he was busy and had no money. I felt rejected. So I didn't ever bother asking for him to take me out again. Fair enough if he was busy, but he didn't even suggest another time. And as far as the money thing goes, I'm perfectly happy to do things that don't cost any money, and I sent him a text explaining that but he never replied to that text...I kind of feel like I might have been too demanding by asking for a date to a "nice place" -- he obviously thought I meant somewhere fancy (expensive) when all I was trying to do was let him know that I expected him to romance me a bit more...

 

Yeah, money isn't the issue. A guy who is broke but has an imagination and wants to make some effort will find a cool way to take a lady out.

 

Just broaden your horizons and don't settle for less than what you want!

[tinydancer93]

How should I end it? Should I just let it die out, i.e. keep saying I'm busy whenever he asks me to come around and wait for him to eventually get the hint. Or should I actually let him know that I'm not interested in seeing him anymore? Something like "I've enjoyed spending time with you, but I simply can't invest any more time or emotion into something that isn't going anywhere. I don't think we are after the same thing". Is that enough, or should I actually let him know that I don't think he is putting enough effort in? Does he DESERVE a reason?

[nescafe1982]

How should I end it? Should I just let it die out, i.e. keep saying I'm busy whenever he asks me to come around and wait for him to eventually get the hint. Or should I actually let him know that I'm not interested in seeing him anymore? Something like "I've enjoyed spending time with you, but I simply can't invest any more time or emotion into something that isn't going anywhere. I don't think we are after the same thing". Is that enough, or should I actually let him know that I don't think he is putting enough effort in? Does he DESERVE a reason?

 

If you're exclusive (if he's a BF) then seek him out and tell him directly. If he's just some guy you've hung out with a few times, just back off a bit. If he pursues you and you're pretty sure you don't want to be "caught," tell him straight up at that point.

 

But don't overthink if it if this guy has not been putting in the effort up to now.

 

p.s. I guess the only caveat (for me) would be if you've been physically intimate with him. This is only me and a lot of men wouldn't return this favor, but personally I think if I slept with a man, he's due a polite and upfront "thanks but I'm not longer interested."

[tinydancer93]

If you're exclusive (if he's a BF) then seek him out and tell him directly. If he's just some guy you've hung out with a few times, just back off a bit. If he pursues you and you're pretty sure you don't want to be "caught," tell him straight up at that point.

 

But don't overthink if it if this guy has not been putting in the effort up to now.

 

p.s. I guess the only caveat (for me) would be if you've been physically intimate with him. This is only me and a lot of men wouldn't return this favor, but personally I think if I slept with a man, he's due a polite and upfront "thanks but I'm not longer interested."

 

Yeah, we aren't a couple, we've just been seeing each other. I'm not sure how he sees our "relationship", but judging from his actions, he must only see us as something casual, so I don't think I owe him a big explanation or anything. I guess I'm just curious to see how he'd react if I told him I wasn't happy with the amount of effort he was putting in - would he up his game? If so, should I give him another chance? Or should I just assume he will revert back to his old ways once he feels he's "caught" me again? I believe in second chances, but like I said, I don't want to invest any more time or emotion into someone that is not that into me...