radicool Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 This is my first thread. Not really sure why I am here.. but here goes it. Where to begin? I have recently split up from my fiancee (3 months ago) whom I was only with for 2 years. We dated for about 2 months, moved into together and then engaged at 6 months. I ended it. For numerous reasons. 1. He put his hands on me in a violent way. 2. He had kids, which was not a game breaker, I knew this when I got into the relationship but I did not like what I saw in terms of his fathering abilities. 3. Had a drug habit and whenever stressed would get heavily back into it 4. Didn't like my friends or family. So based on the above..I ended it and left with 6 dollars to my name, hocked my engagement ring in order to be able to buy moving boxes to pack my stuff up and leave, but it was the best decision of my life as I was dreadfully unhappy and am now well towards where I want too be. So in the last 3 months I have moved in with my best friend in a suburb I have always wanted to live in and have changed my lifestyle in terms of getting fit and healthy by attending bootcamp sessions/the gym and have lost 10kgs and am well on my way atleast physically where I see myself and becoming the woman I have always wanted to look like. Mentally.. I struggle. I was not in love with my fiancee. How could one be with all of the above reasons and more (these are only the main ones) so leaving him was fairly easy for me in the sense that I did not miss him and knew I was doing the right thing for me. Since leaving him, I have slept with 6 different people. Some I knew beforehand, one an ex from highschool. One, I have fallen in love with. But I have recently ended it with him, due to the fact that I cant commit to a relationship right now seeing as it has only been 3 months for me and during these 2 years with my ex, I completely and utterly lost myself. My whole life was based and controlled by him and I have a list of things I want to do before I commit myself fully to a relationship. (i.e. travel, focus on my career, learn to play the guitar etc) Which this guy understands and has been more than accommodating about. But it still doesn't change the fact that I want to be with him more than anything I have ever wanted. But there is also doubt in my mind that a relationship would work between him and I for numerous reasons being that he leads a different lifestyle than I and I am not too sure how he would fit into my family and friend circle. I have always been the girl with the boyfriend. I did have a 2 year stint of being single before my fiancee so that's not technically true. But I have always had the overwhelming belief that I need someone by my side to make me happy - this is so fundamentally wrong. but I believe I dont know how to be happy without this guy in my life at all, so confused. I am not going to go back on what I have said. Him and I are done for the time being. I just dont know how to move on and do all the things that make me happy. I am a very negative person and hate on myself all the time. I am dreadfully hard on myself on everything that occurs in my life and I am just trying to find my way now. but without him I don't know how too. He makes me happy. I dont know how to make myself happy without him in my life.. Is travelling and learning to play the guitar more important than being with your soulmate? And should I listen to what people are saying around me, people who know me "you should just be single, find yourself and live it up" "I dont think you are ready for a relationship" etc etc. I just want him so badly.. it is driving me insane.
emva07 Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 The reason you are confused is between you are deciding between loving yourself and loving someone else. Why should you put a guy before you? Guys will come and go but you only have one life to live.
Author radicool Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 I wish I could have both. Spose I need to love myself before I can purely love someone else. What a cliche.
todreaminblue Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I wish I could have both. Spose I need to love myself before I can purely love someone else. What a cliche. its not really cliche, i would like to say congratulations fro what you are doing to make yourself be the person you want to be,for the decision you made to move away, and uprooting and starting over for yourself is really hard , smilin, i know it is because i have done it so many times i have had to move around a bit due to an exe fiancees employment but i haven't had to make a major move in a very long time, i am going to be making one more move and hopefully that is the end of moving for me because its draining starting over and moving it is pretty major.....l wouldnt mind travelling.....moving sucks however...lol i would like to say how good it is that you are honest with how you feel and even though you really love the guy, you know you arent in the right place to be with him. you are doing so many things right things it is always normal to miss the people you love and want to be with them....but when it isnt right for one...it is not right for both...you have done the kindest and best thing for both of you...so another congrats in order...... this is where i am going to differ from what other posters might say to you It is never wrong to want to be happy by sharing your life with another, it is not wrong to feel that you would be happier in a relationship than without as proven scientifically people in relationships have a longer life span......because ...we are happier in relationships than without what is wrong is when you make that relationship and that person you are with your only source of happiness because only then does that person become central to your well being....if something happens to that person then where are you? when i split with my ex ...i realized i had put so much effort into him and the relationship for so many years...i had forgotten how to just be me...to dance, to be free to walk at night, to admire the little things i so loved, to create art, to visit friends,to have dinners with people i loved apart from special occasions(just for no reason at all but to cook for them) i had completely forgotten them and didnt do the things that made me feel centred and alive, i did help people which made me happy but again, that is for someone else isnt it, not just for me, the one thing i did first, was move back to where i felt the most comfortable so yep another interstate move,makes me tired remembering how draining it was to move a house and five kids two dogs and two cats....lol.....should have seen us all squashed into a suv....that was one trip full of a farting rottweiler meowing cats and kids going, are we there yet are we there yet? for thirteen hours....i dont regret it not one bit...i have no regrets because it was right for me to do....i was strongly prompted to move..... You need to find the things that make you happy and you are doing that, I cant say if you will end up back with your fiancee or someone new...i can say ...when it feels right....it normally is.......i wish you much luck and hope your life becomes an unending source of joy and that one day you are happy with a very special person who finds your happiness as important as you are to him....deb
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