melell Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 So I thought things were going well. 8 years together. He left. 3 months since I was doing fine, went through anger. Felt all this hate for him, then it went away, and I started feeling better. I was glad it was over. Now suddenly the hate has been replaced by guilt, and all I can see is my faults. To the point where I am crying all day (been 10 days of this) and feeling like I am just a 'disease'. I keep telling myself that I will never be with someone again, because it would be wrong for me to inflict myself on others ever again. I really hate myself right now. I broke NC and text my ex. I had been ignoring his attempts at contact for months. This is what I said "I am sorry I haven't replied. Guilt has been ****ing with me, and I don't want to cause more hurt. All the bad things I said about your character just replays in my head over and over I can't get away from it. I need you to know that the things I said weren't true, you never deserved it. Please don't let those things define any part of you. I was sad with myself, you being perfect wouldn't have changed anything." I really didn't care if it makes me feel worse, I just feel like I deserve it. No point of the break up has been harder for me than this guilt. My ex had problems with drink/drug, and I tortured him over it. I feel sick.
keepontruckin Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Something doesn't make sense... He dumped you, but has been trying to contact you for months? And you, as the dumpee, have ignored all of these attempts at communication? I don't think I've ever heard of this happening... 1
Author melell Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 Something doesn't make sense... He dumped you, but has been trying to contact you for months? And you, as the dumpee, have ignored all of these attempts at communication? I don't think I've ever heard of this happening... He dumped me, I ignored the attempts because I knew it was over for good, he was wasn't coming back. I felt like talking would just make it hurt more, so I ignored. I think he tried to contact me so much because the finality of it all hit him. It is confusing, because in a way I feel like it was mutual. But at the same time I didn't want him to go. I was torn from the start of the BU I wanted him but didn't want the situation. I am starting to think that I am experiencing feelings of the dumpee and dumper.
keepontruckin Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 So what do you want out of this? Do you want him back? Do you want to move on?
Mz_sassy_77 Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Contact will only make it harder. You should move on. If it didn't work out before its not going to work out this time around. They are an ex for a reason. Just being honest here... 1
BC1980 Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 If he had problems with drugs/drinking, that is an entirely different problem to add to the mix of the usual breakup problems. It sounds like you dealt with this for years. I think it's best to cut communication for awhile. Do you feel you got anything out of sending him the text, or did it make you feel better? It may not be a mistake to have sent it, but I would not send any more. When we are sad over the breakup, we think that contact with the ex with make us feel better. It usually doesn't in my experience. It's just reality that you have to find another outlet for this pain and work through it yourself. 1
Balzac Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 When your rescue mission ended you're now looking to replace it. This is about codependency. Go to ALANON. 2
Ireallydontknow Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 No offense, you should seek professional help. 1
Author melell Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 Thanks everyone for your replies. That is the thing. I feel guilty, like I have abandoned someone. I don't want to get back with him at all, and texting him felt bad, but I really don't care how it made me feel because I just feel guilty, I don't want to please myself right now. He replied exactly "Please don't, you have nothing to be sorry for, don't beat yourself up over it. Life is hard, futility got the better of me, that is not your fault, it never will be. I miss you, and I miss your brain. I am not sucking you into this life I made for myself, it ruins everyone." I have spoken to a therapist about my thought process with this, he said it is not codependency when someone leaves because you won't tolerate drug and alcohol abuse (I gave him an ultimatum so to speak). I would have had to have tolerated it in some form to become codependent. The support from people on here helps my perspective a lot, any views on this are appreciated.
Author melell Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 Balzac and Idontreallyknow, I would give the same advice to someone in my position. Already done it is all.
Balzac Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Have you done any reading about codependency and rescuer?
Author melell Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 Yup I have done lots, I read through the journal articles at my uni on the subject, that is why I initially went to therapy, because it didn't make sense, my feelings were similar but it didn't fit the paradigm for codependency. I understand that feeling like I have abandoned someone is the same way one would feel, and same with feeling guilt. But I have no desire to be with him, I had no desire to rescue him or anyone, but I am still feeling the after effects as if that is what I wanted. The therapist mentioned the same, all the after effects fit codependency as far as emotions go, but my actions and logic before and after the BU don't.
Balzac Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I accept what you're telling us. It's impossible to evaluate the quality and experience of your therapist here. I'm guessing you're in a university counseling clinic? Short term therapy for the most part. We know not much about your history or experience w therapy. All of these factors play into the process. I stand by my original comments. 1
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Unrecovered Al-Anons (codependents) are famous for feeling incredible guilt when they take care of themselves (leave addicted relationships). It is highly codependent to feel guilt for saving your own life. Al-Anon saved my life. Newcomer struggles with guilt?second time around 2
Author melell Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 Nope, I see a psychologist at my family doctors not at uni. I will ask more about this when I go next, I prepaid for 24 sessions and promised myself I would go to all. It is true what you are saying, the guilt is obviously not 'normal', it certainly does match codependent feelings. I am going to bring it up, I have thinking about this all day, and I don't think it is something I should down play. I feel as though I haven't made it entirely clear with the psychologist. Thank you everyone
Trimmer Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Nope, I see a psychologist at my family doctors not at uni. I will ask more about this when I go next, I prepaid for 24 sessions and promised myself I would go to all. It is true what you are saying, the guilt is obviously not 'normal', it certainly does match codependent feelings. I am going to bring it up, I have thinking about this all day, and I don't think it is something I should down play. I feel as though I haven't made it entirely clear with the psychologist. Thank you everyone It seems you're putting a lot of energy and thought into whether you can/should label yourself "codependent." Irrespective of that, and stripping away the label, the real point is that you are feeling this guilt, as if you had abandoned someone. It seems that instead of deciding how exactly to label yourself, your energies might be better applied to a first task of considering just what was the responsibility to which you feel you were bound? And what exactly is it that you feel you abandoned? Why do you feel it was your responsibilty to carry that load? 1
Author melell Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 It seems you're putting a lot of energy and thought into whether you can/should label yourself "codependent." Irrespective of that, and stripping away the label, the real point is that you are feeling this guilt, as if you had abandoned someone. It seems that instead of deciding how exactly to label yourself, your energies might be better applied to a first task of considering just what was the responsibility to which you feel you were bound? And what exactly is it that you feel you abandoned? Why do you feel it was your responsibilty to carry that load? Thank you trimmer. The label is insignificant compared to the cause. Thank you
Trimmer Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Thank you trimmer. The label is insignificant compared to the cause. Thank you And I didn't want to sound like I was beating on you for missing the point or something. But my first thought when I read your feeling of guilt, and that you had abandoned him was: he's an adult, and completely responsible for his own life and his choices; maybe you can start to explore whether your feelings of guilt are because you were carrying some of his responsibiltiy for his life upon yourself. That's not really your responsibility. 1
Author melell Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 And I didn't want to sound like I was beating on you for missing the point or something. But my first thought when I read your feeling of guilt, and that you had abandoned him was: he's an adult, and completely responsible for his own life and his choices; maybe you can start to explore whether your feelings of guilt are because you were carrying some of his responsibiltiy for his life upon yourself. That's not really your responsibility. This makes a lot of sense. I really hadn't thought of it, prior to drink/drug I took on the responsibility of his life for sure, he was still unstable, he always worked, but I took care of everything else for him. Any mistakes he made I went to work to fix them for him. It is really irrational, not really anything healthy about it. Maybe I should change therapists.
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