im not sure .....

[RickFox]

The fact is- people are flawed.

 

Divorce would work if the parents were emotionally healthy, well balanced adults.

 

But in most cases- the parents are not emotionally healthy individuals. They are confused, screwed up people trying to be happy. They seek this "happiness" at their children's expense.

 

At least if their parents stay together, they don't have to deal with abandonment, moving, making new friends, mom's boyfriends, dad's girlfriends, dad's new kids.

 

Divorce just gives them many more problems to cope with.

 

And who models coping skills? The methods that we will use to cope with adversity, heartache and pain?

 

Our parents.

 

 

We can agree to disagree, but that part of your statement that I bolded, these are the same types of people who ARE staying at home and attempting to be parents, whether in an A or not. So the kid(s) aren't getting a fighting chance from the get go regardless. Parents today are just as self centered as the little sh*ts they aren't, yep I said aren't, raising today. And no I'm not saying there aren't good parents but they are just as many bad ones who are together....

 

I'd argue with you in that who models the coping skills of today's youth? television and cell phones because most parents can't be bothered with the responsibility of being parents nowadays.

[Quiet Storm]

Well- if both parents are going to be selfish, screwed up, addicted, emotionally stunted people- then the kids still do better if they live with both parents. That has been my experience. They still find a way to feel loved and cared for- even if they b!tch and complain about their parents bickering and wish they would divorce already. Because both parents still have a connection to them- even though the parents are effed up. It's still better than the issues they face after divorce.

 

It's better to live with effed up parents that love us, then effed up mom's boyfriends & dad's girlfriend's that don't give a ****.

 

People that come from intact families don't realize how much of an effect outsiders would've had on them.

[fanine]

Well- if both parents are going to be selfish, screwed up, addicted, emotionally stunted people- then the kids still do better if they live with both parents. That has been my experience. They still find a way to feel loved and cared for- even if they b!tch and complain about their parents bickering and wish they would divorce already. Because both parents still have a connection to them- even though the parents are effed up. It's still better than the issues they face after divorce.

 

It's better to live with effed up parents that love us, then effed up mom's boyfriends & dad's girlfriend's that don't give a ****.

 

People that come from intact families don't realize how much of an effect outsiders would've had on them.

 

But then I had friends who were younger and their parents separated and their parents then both entered solid stable relationships with other people. My friends were happy, they saw their parents were happy and saw what a real proper relationship was. I hated my father for what he did, I didn't want him in the house. My mother, well I lost a great deal of respect for her for putting up with all his other women. I closed myself off completely from both of them, and have done so for the rest of my life in many ways.

 

Yes I am sure it would not have been easy if they had separated, but to me anyway, I would have respected my mum more for not allowing my dad to behave like that, and I would have respected my dad more, because if he had gone he would not keep hurting my mum by cheating on her. I thought he was a coward for not leaving, I saw him being selfish, wanting a family and OW. I believed my mum had the right to go and meet someone who would treat her properly. That could not happen while he was a cake eater.

[WrinkledForehead]

A plane ride for a three year old to see her daddy? Really? I would not expect a judge to grant that request. Why does MM move to your state?

 

You said you need to be happy to make your child happy. That is not the selfless perspective a mother should have, especially when it's tied to a man you don't know.

 

It's true, though, the old saying: "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

 

Going to school makes me enormously happy. My daughter remarked to my mom on it, actually, the difference in me before I started school.

 

I can make my kids happy no matter what, but they do deserve a role model/guardian that is happy with their own life. I was miserable as a SAHM. It's better for the entirety of my household that I have a balance of outside pursuits & home life.

 

Leaving for a man? Never. Happiness doesn't lie with other people. If you leave your marriage, I'd leave independent of whether another person will be there for you. This is a step you take for yourself, not for someone else. What happens if oMM doesn't live up to your expectations? You'd only resent him.

[WrinkledForehead]

You have no clue how your life would've turned out if your parents separated. For most kids, their lives are SO much worse than if their parents stayed together. They WISH they had they annoyance of their parents bickering. That is so much better than their lives after divorce. Please stop lying to yourself and put your kids first.

 

I'm grateful my parents divorced. Far better having some peace finally than always coming home from school and finding the whole family at war.

 

And I can 100% say it was the best choice for me to leave my kids' father. I made that choice independent of any other R (there was none; I never strayed).

 

Did everything turn out better? My story is still being written. My father is still single, 15 years later. My mom is in a loveless marriage.

 

OP, when you leave, you'll be alone. Did you expect to move your child into a home right with this new man? You'll be a single mom with no income who is less employable than most because of the gaps in your job history. Not to say that you can't do it. I did the same. It is possible, but will be a HUGE deal to get your own two feet on the ground by yourself.

 

I'm not saying leave your M or don't. But fully evaluate it. No one will save you but yourself. And your H may get full custody. You're primary caregiver but you can't very well continue that with no income. Right now your H is better set up for that than you are.

 

I encourage you to take a hard look at reality.

[LilGirlandOW]

I am terrified for your daughter, and a little for you OP. MM has as much chance of being a calculated pedophile as he does being prince charming. E-love does not = In-Love. If you were a single OW with no children it would be a different story, but the fact that you have a very young daughter scares the crap out of me. At your daughters age you should be warning her about stranger danger, not immersing her into danger with a stranger. And so far away that her bio-dad, who we all agree is a good father cant physically be near her to protect her.

 

[LilGirlandOW]

Your conflict should not be of weather or not you and H should D. It should be concerning your choice of new partner in conjunction with your DD's health and well-being.

[fanine]

Selfish parents do damage to the kids whether together or apart.

 

However, it has been shown that kids from broken homes do much worse than kids from intact homes. This shows up in academic performance and in many other aspects of life.

 

Nevertheless one would expect divorced parents to say this is best for the kids. Or one may hear kids say I am glad my parents divorced. It is all rationalization, same old.

 

If you saw my previous post on it I truly believe my parents should have separated as I had no respect for either staying together. Sorry but having lived through it from a young age I did not want them to stay together. I wanted to go to boarding school, get away from them.

Ironically I did brilliantly academically as I shut myself off completely from my family...I would come home from school, go to my room and study all evening and weekend and keep apart as much as I could.

They didn't particularly row, there wasn't an atmosphere in the house. We were comfortable, but I had no respect for either staying together.

[bentleychic]

I can tell you that my kids begged me to leave their father for years. It was absolutely the right thing to do. He was an abusive *expletive*. It took me moving out with the kids to give him the wake up call that he needed to straighten out. That and my oldest telling him that when he turned 18, he never wanted to see him again since he never made the time for him nor treated him like a human being worthy of anything other than being hollered at.

 

Divorce is HARD. Being a single parent is HARD. It's WAY easier than the 16 years of screaming emotional and at times physical abuse and I'll NEVER EVER EVER agree that families are always better in tact compared to separated. Some husbands and wives do NOT need to be together and it IS best for the kids. My exH spends more quality time with the kids than he ever did when we were married and they actually enjoy him now. (The youngest ones, more so. I fear that he did too much damage to the older ones for too long and it's hard for them to forgive/forget that.

[fanine]

There are exceptions to the rule. The so called three As.

 

Affairs, abuse, and addiction.

 

I see your point.

 

OP does not meet the three As criteria with regards to get husband. However, she is cheating and her H should divorce her. Paradoxically all she needs to do is inform her H and she will get the divorce.

 

I think also with my situation it wasn't just one. I knew of 3 affairs for sure my father had when i was aged between 13 and 18. Basically my father felt he could do what he wanted....