im not sure .....

[casher]

I'll attempt to make this short. I've been reading the posts here and feel like I can truly get some advice here without judgement and want to say thank you in advance for that.

Anyway, I am married but am also the OW. I've been married for almost 4 years now and unhappy for the past two. My husband isn't a bad guy. He's nice actually. He has a control issue but being that I'm talking to another man, i can't blame him for that. I'm not allowed to do a lot of things without getting the "what are you doing, who is going to be there? etc." or him getting upset and giving me the silent treatment. Anyway, he's still nice and we have a three year old daughter. He is a wonderful father, but he is never home. He works A LOT. If I took a picture of his calendar, he has maybe two days off this month. I know that he works for us, because I am a stay at home mom and I appreciate that, but he doesn't want me working. He thinks I will leave him if I get a job and/or go back to school so he doesn't support me in those ventures. I'm also no longer attracted to him and to be honest the sex was never good, but thought that it was something I could get over. Combine all that with the never being home, I started playing games online and met someone. He's also unhappily married and we struck up a friendship. Friendship turned to love and we both love each other deeply. He lives in a different state and we have met for four days and they were the most amazing four days of my life, besides the birth of my child. We are talking about being together. He has started the steps to leaving his wife. He is doing the counseling thing and has agreed to go to three sessions with his wife so when the judge orders it (the judge in his county ordered it for a coworker of his in a very similar situation) he can say they already did that in order to expedite the process plus his dad is very religious and when he talked to his dad back at the beginning of the year about the state of his marriage, his dad told him he had to try counseling before throwing in the towel. He's pulled away and I know that he isn't lying about that. I can see her status' on facebook and know that he's telling the truth about that and I strangely believe everything that he's telling me. It's just a feeling I have.

I want to be with him. He owns his home and purchased it before they got married and it is solely in his name so he will be awarded the house even though he says he just knows she's going to fight him on it. He is completely cold to her. He is nervous about what his family will think but i honestly believe he is taking the right steps to leave. I, however, haven't done anything. I have inquired about going back to school and made sure the college is near the MM. I am scared to hurt my husband but I just cant do this anymore. I am scared also that he wont let me leave the state with our child even though I am the primary care giver and he wouldnt be able to see her often at all because of his working. Im confused if I should even try or just stay here and suck it up because he is a good dad and stay for my child................My heart is somewhere else, but I'm not sure he'll let me be somewhere else and i refuse to go anywhere without my child. Part of me thinks that I'm just going to have to suck it up until she is 18 (15 years from now)........

[casher]

I want to add that when we saw each other back in the spring, he refused to have sex with me. He said he didnt want meto be the other woman and wanted to prove to me that he isn't using me for sex, etc. I also want to say that we've been through many talks and drama over when he's leaving and I feel like if he werent, with all the drama and me being upset, he would have said f it and found someone else.

[Red Wolverine]

Even if your husband allowed it, which I doubt, you'd be crazy to take your child away from her father.

 

Marriage might not be forever but parents are supposed to be.

 

You don't know your MM, have no idea how your child and him would interact, and are looking for a rescuer.

 

This is all a bad idea. Be careful. If you take steps to end your marriage, what are you going to do if MM changes his mind? You'll have nothing.

 

Your daughter is entitled to more than that.

[casher]

I would never prevent her from seeing him and visa versa. I would work with him to make plans to see each other. It's a hour and 45 minute plane ride. He is literally never home so if I left (even if it's to be with MM or just to be single) he wouldn't see her often at all anyway. I would never prevent him from seeing her...EVER.

My friends keep telling me that i need to do what makes me happy, as my child will see that I'm not happy and pretending. Staying here, with a crappy job market and not so great marriage, isn't going to make me happy. I need to be happy in order to make my child happy.

[Red Wolverine]

I would never prevent her from seeing him and visa versa. I would work with him to make plans to see each other. It's a hour and 45 minute plane ride. He is literally never home so if I left (even if it's to be with MM or just to be single) he wouldn't see her often at all anyway. I would never prevent him from seeing her...EVER.

My friends keep telling me that i need to do what makes me happy, as my child will see that I'm not happy and pretending. Staying here, with a crappy job market and not so great marriage, isn't going to make me happy. I need to be happy in order to make my child happy.

 

A plane ride for a three year old to see her daddy? Really? I would not expect a judge to grant that request. Why does MM move to your state?

 

You said you need to be happy to make your child happy. That is not the selfless perspective a mother should have, especially when it's tied to a man you don't know.

[casher]

Mms loves his job and is very close to his family. I am not close with mine and have always wanted to live in the area he lives in. He's been married three years and no children. I talk to him all day long, every day for the past 10 months. No exaggeration there. All day long. If we aren't texting we are FaceTiming. I feel like I do know him but I think that's what they all say.

[Quiet Storm]

So you are considering blowing up your child's world for a man that you saw in person for 4 days? Please don't.

 

You need outside validation to feel happy. Your husband isn't providing that because he is busy providing for your family. You are only attached to this other guy because he is meeting your needs for attention and validation.

 

You say your husband is a good guy and a great man. Work with him and forget this guy.

[casher]

I know I need to leave my h regardless of the other guy or not. I'm obviously not happy. There are instances were people fall out of love and grow apart and I think this is an example.

[casher]

Thank you for your input all. It is much appreciated and has given me things to think about.

In response to the ops, I may very well be looking at this as the grass is greener but ill never know unless I try. I don't want this to be something I look back on years from now and regret the not knowing. I do feel like I know him. With the amount that we talk and spend on video chat every day, I feel like I know him. We normally video chat from the time my little person goes to sleep at 7 until about 330am. (He works nights) To me, that's like sitting there having a face to face conversation with someone and how you get to know people. I have honestly never felt this way about anyone in my 30+ years. If doing what's best for my child is staying here were the job market sucks and it's super difficult to get any job (the market is much better were he is) and just leaving my H and living the single life while he only sees her for an hour each week or so, and I'm wishing I were somewhere else with better opportunities and schools, etc. then that is what I'll do. Mm loves children and can't wait to have some of his own.

 

As for those that say i might be selfish in that a mother should stay unhappy to make her child happy, I seriously doubt that, if given the situation, they would stay in that either. I am a mother but I'm also a person and I know that my husband hasn't done anything wrong except be a bit controlling and not being home, but sometimes things don't work out for any number of reasons and that doesn't mean I need to stay with him because he is a good guy. I love him but I'm not in love with him. There is a huge difference.

I think I'm going to wait to see what happens with MM, meaning if he actually goes through with leaving his wife, before I make any solid decisions. I've told my good friend my situation and she says I need to go and try and I'm not preventing my daughter from seeing her father and visa versa. Thank you again every one.

[casher]

Oh and I want to add that mm knew when he got married that he "settled". He felt like there was no one out there that shared his interests. They didnt live together before marriage (hadnt even spent a night together for that matter) and he thought that was just the way things were. He says that he knows different know and even if him and I don't work out, he will never settle again.

[Red Wolverine]

 

As for those that say i might be selfish in that a mother should stay unhappy to make her child happy, I seriously doubt that, if given the situation, they would stay in that either. I am a mother but I'm also a person and I know that my husband hasn't done anything wrong except be a bit controlling and not being home, but sometimes things don't work out for any number of reasons and that doesn't mean I need to stay with him because he is a good guy. I love him but I'm not in love with him. There is a huge difference.

I think I'm going to wait to see what happens with MM, meaning if he actually goes through with leaving his wife, before I make any solid decisions. I've told my good friend my situation and she says I need to go and try and I'm not preventing my daughter from seeing her father and visa versa. Thank you again every one.

 

I stayed with my xH for several years for the sake of my children. They were my first priority and I can now see it paid off. I focused on finding the joy in my life, primarily my children, and waited for the right time.

 

I'm guilty of many things but I've always put my children first. That's what I signed up for.

[casher]

I applaud you red. That is what worked for you. I came from parents that stayed together for us children and for a long time, I was angry at them for doing so. I'm not anymore, but as a teenager, I was. I knew they weren't happy and I just wanted them to both be happy, be it together or apart.

I know I'm a bad person. I know that if I were to stay for my child, I would continue to look elsewhere for what my marriage is missing and I'm afraid one day my child will find out and be even more angry with me. I know I'm suppose to be living my life for my child, and I am. In three years, that four day trip I took is the only time I've ever been away from her for more than an hour. That's no exaggeration. I'm a person too. I know that my child will still grow up with massive amounts of love and get and have every thing she needs. It's very difficult staying in this situation and just looking for the positive. My child is a major positive true, but I'm not really allowed to do anything without my h getting angry or suspicious. If I wake him up (he also works nights) and tell him my daughter and I are going to the grocery store, which we are, he insists on getting up and going because he's afraid I'm going to meet someone in the grocery store. I feel like I'm in a prison sometimes. I'm not trying to make excuses for my actions. I've never had any type of affair before and I beat myself up over it every day.

[Quiet Storm]

I came from parents that stayed together for us children and for a long time, I was angry at them for doing so. I'm not anymore, but as a teenager, I was. I knew they weren't happy and I just wanted them to both be happy, be it together or apart.

 

 

People that say this are wrong to assume that divorced parents would have been better. You don't realize the benefits of coming from an intact family. It could've been so much worse. It's unrealistic to assume divorce is the answer to happiness, which really comes from within. You don't know how your life would have turned out.

 

Most times its not better on the other side. Kids end up feeling marginalized, abandoned, overlooked, neglected. Did you know 1 in 4 American girls are sexually abused and many pedophiles target single moms without the protection of their father in the home? Parents remarry, Dad's contact dwindles, new half siblings, Mom goes from guy to guy searching for love. Some kids have to move, change friends, deal with parents that are focused on so many things besides them. These kids deal with problems and issues so huge and wish their biggest problem was wanting their parents to be happy. They think what about me? Why does my parents quest for happiness take priority over my family being together?

 

I understand if there is abuse, addiction, alcoholism. But your husband is a great guy. Why rob your child of an optimal environment for her development? Why rob your husband of the ability to live with his child full time?

 

There are so many other ways to find joy besides romance. You are a multifaceted person. Romance isn't your only passion. Find a new passion that doesn't have collateral damage.

 

I know my response is harsh, but I think when you have a child their well being should come before romance.

[Red Wolverine]

I know I'm a bad person. I know that if I were to stay for my child, I would continue to look elsewhere for what my marriage is missing and I'm afraid one day my child will find out and be even more angry with me.

 

She will find out if you leave her father and move in with another man.

[Minnie09]

How did you manage to leave for 4 days if he's so controlling? And who took care of the kid?

[fanine]

People that say this are wrong to assume that divorced parents would have been better. You don't realize the benefits of coming from an intact family. It could've been so much worse. It's unrealistic to assume divorce is the answer to happiness, which really comes from within. You don't know how your life would have turned out.

 

Most times its not better on the other side. Kids end up feeling marginalized, abandoned, overlooked, neglected. Did you know 1 in 4 American girls are sexually abused and many pedophiles target single moms without the protection of their father in the home? Parents remarry, Dad's contact dwindles, new half siblings, Mom goes from guy to guy searching for love. Some kids have to move, change friends, deal with parents that are focused on so many things besides them. These kids deal with problems and issues so huge and wish their biggest problem was wanting their parents to be happy. They think what about me? Why does my parents quest for happiness take priority over my family being together?

 

I understand if there is abuse, addiction, alcoholism. But your husband is a great guy. Why rob your child of an optimal environment for her development? Why rob your husband of the ability to live with his child full time?

 

There are so many other ways to find joy besides romance. You are a multifaceted person. Romance isn't your only passion. Find a new passion that doesn't have collateral damage.

 

I know my response is harsh, but I think when you have a child their well being should come before romance.

 

All I would say about the child thing, is that my father had several affairs while I was growing up. My parents had a front of a great marriage and they were both good parents. But my fathers affairs, which he tried to of course hide, had a massive impact on me growing up. My brother and I both worked out independently he was up to no good. We had silent phone calls in the house, poison pen letters.. Yet they never really argued or appeared to have a bad relationship as such.

I had real issues with boys in my teenage years, I stayed away from them. The whole issue of getting close to a boy, and sex, scared me. I thought men were going to hurt me, like I had seen my mum hurt. I never felt the same about my father after finding out at 13 he was having his first affair. I didn't trust him completely, I could never understand why he did all that. Plus I found one letter written to an OW saying he could never leave my mum because of me. That made me feel awful. I hated him for that.

And again it affected my relationship with my mum. Why she put up with this. She was very insecure and I grew up being insecure, and am still a fair bit now.

 

So the staying with someone for the sake of the kids can back fire. I wish my parents had separated rather carrying on together like this.....

[2sunny]

Whether you go to be with your other MM - divorce your H so he has a chance at being with a woman who honors him.

[fanine]

There are no real good solutions for parents that are cheaters.

 

If your father had left you would have seen a different set of issues more or less related to infidelity.

 

A lot of cheaters do not realize they are cheating on their children.

 

I usually laugh when OWs say the cheating MM is a great dad.

 

Having said the above: Anyone can cheat.

 

Agree..a cheating MM is not a great dad, or indeed cheating MW a great mother. It does affect the entire family, and kids do often work out what is happening. I still remember to this day reading a poison pen letter sent to my mother, over 30 years ago. It could have been yesterday.

[scatterd]

You say you husband is not a bad guy and that this other man is the one.But I can tell you from experience that some men will seem like the man in shinning armer then after you are with them a while they change. Some end up being beaters, mental abusive, closet drug addicts and such. You may talk to this man every day but in reality.you do not know him you did not grow up with him and have not lived with him. You know your husbands faults and they are faults that you can work through. this man can have some flaws you can not deal with at all. Any person you are with will have flaws so no matter who you are with you will have a whole new set of them and the newness wears off with any one your with awhile.It is not easy being a single Mom either and if this other relationship goes to h--- thats what you will be. Remember also no man will ever love your child like their own father does.I hope you decide to think this over and work out the problems with your husband.I could go on and on about whats out side of divorce but I gave some things to think about. I lived this it took years to find a decent man and a happy life. Please dont ruin your daughter and your future for a guy that feels an empty spot there is so much more to life then that.

[Quiet Storm]

All I would say about the child thing, is that my father had several affairs while I was growing up. My parents had a front of a great marriage and they were both good parents. But my fathers affairs, which he tried to of course hide, had a massive impact on me growing up. My brother and I both worked out independently he was up to no good. We had silent phone calls in the house, poison pen letters.. Yet they never really argued or appeared to have a bad relationship as such.

I had real issues with boys in my teenage years, I stayed away from them. The whole issue of getting close to a boy, and sex, scared me. I thought men were going to hurt me, like I had seen my mum hurt. I never felt the same about my father after finding out at 13 he was having his first affair. I didn't trust him completely, I could never understand why he did all that. Plus I found one letter written to an OW saying he could never leave my mum because of me. That made me feel awful. I hated him for that.

And again it affected my relationship with my mum. Why she put up with this. She was very insecure and I grew up being insecure, and am still a fair bit now.

 

So the staying with someone for the sake of the kids can back fire. I wish my parents had separated rather carrying on together like this.....

 

No. Staying in the marriage didn't backfire. Your Dad's cheating is what backfired. His weak character messed everything up. You don't know how things would've turned out if you had emotionally healthy and well adjusted parents. You did the best with what you were given. It's all we can do.

[Quiet Storm]

I wish my parents had separated rather carrying on together like this.....

You have no clue how your life would've turned out if your parents separated. For most kids, their lives are SO much worse than if their parents stayed together. They WISH they had they annoyance of their parents bickering. That is so much better than their lives after divorce. Please stop lying to yourself and put your kids first. Edited September 15, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[RickFox]

People that say this are wrong to assume that divorced parents would have been better. You don't realize the benefits of coming from an intact family. It could've been so much worse. It's unrealistic to assume divorce is the answer to happiness, which really comes from within. You don't know how your life would have turned out.

 

Most times its not better on the other side. Kids end up feeling marginalized, abandoned, overlooked, neglected. Did you know 1 in 4 American girls are sexually abused and many pedophiles target single moms without the protection of their father in the home? Parents remarry, Dad's contact dwindles, new half siblings, Mom goes from guy to guy searching for love. Some kids have to move, change friends, deal with parents that are focused on so many things besides them. These kids deal with problems and issues so huge and wish their biggest problem was wanting their parents to be happy. They think what about me? Why does my parents quest for happiness take priority over my family being together?

 

I understand if there is abuse, addiction, alcoholism. But your husband is a great guy. Why rob your child of an optimal environment for her development? Why rob your husband of the ability to live with his child full time?

 

There are so many other ways to find joy besides romance. You are a multifaceted person. Romance isn't your only passion. Find a new passion that doesn't have collateral damage.

 

I know my response is harsh, but I think when you have a child their well being should come before romance.

 

And it is unrealistic to assume that divorce isn't the better option. I'm glad my father wasn't in my life, I'm a much stronger man for it. Had he stayed I'd have probably turned into a weak non confrontational p*ssy, much like he is.

 

I fully understand the mindset of women, to be there for their kids (as it should be for any parent) and I can tell you that had my A ended my marriage, I would be in my child's life as much as I possibly could and despite not being with her mother, she'd know I loved her just as much.

 

Children aren't stupid, they do see what is going on, they can read between the lines. My xmw chooses to stay with her H, and he's not a bad guy, he is just not there emotionally for her or their child and the kid sees how he treats her mom so I would expect her (the child) to find another emotionally unavaiable men when it's her time. And yes, I know she stays for the child and because he's the breadwinner, not my concern anymore, but my point is it is never so cut and dry one way or the other.

 

Sometimes, and I don't advocate leaving for romance, but it is that person's happiness at stake in order that their child see happiness rather than sadness and/or misery.

[Quiet Storm]

And it is unrealistic to assume that divorce isn't the better option. I'm glad my father wasn't in my life, I'm a much stronger man for it. Had he stayed I'd have probably turned into a weak non confrontational p*ssy, much like he is.

 

I fully understand the mindset of women, to be there for their kids (as it should be for any parent) and I can tell you that had my A ended my marriage, I would be in my child's life as much as I possibly could and despite not being with her mother, she'd know I loved her just as much.

 

Children aren't stupid, they do see what is going on, they can read between the lines. My xmw chooses to stay with her H, and he's not a bad guy, he is just not there emotionally for her or their child and the kid sees how he treats her mom so I would expect her (the child) to find another emotionally unavaiable men when it's her time. And yes, I know she stays for the child and because he's the breadwinner, not my concern anymore, but my point is it is never so cut and dry one way or the other.

 

Sometimes, and I don't advocate leaving for romance, but it is that person's happiness at stake in order that their child see happiness rather than sadness and/or misery.

 

 

But that is an adult's- a grown ups perspective. Most kids do not do better after divorce. Look at statistics. Grades slip. Many girls become promiscuous and have low self worth. Boys get angry and act out or self medicate. Kids NEED their parents to put their best interests first. I am not bull5hitting. I never talk about my career on this website, but trust me. I'm speaking from experience here. Unless there is abuse, alcoholism or addiction- kids do better when their parents are together. Kids are too self focused to care about their parent's happiness. Especially if the path to happiness involves blowing up their world.

Edited September 15, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[RickFox]

But that is an adult's- a grown ups perspective. Most kids do not do better after divorce. Look at statistics. Grades slip. Many girls become promiscuous and have low self worth. Boys get angry and act out or self medicate. Kids NEED their parents to put their best interests first. I am not bull5hitting. I never talk about my career on this website, but trust me. I'm speaking from experience here. Unless there is abuse, alcoholism or addiction kids do better when their parents are together.

 

I too speak from experience, I see the underbelly of society every day and intact parents also create troubled kids... it is not whether the parents always stay together but whether the parents are GOOD parents who take an interest in their children, no matter what. I know what you are saying, I agree to an extent, but I also know it's just not always so cut and dried.

[Quiet Storm]

I too speak from experience, I see the underbelly of society every day and intact parents also create troubled kids... it is not whether the parents always stay together but whether the parents are GOOD parents who take an interest in their children, no matter what. I know what you are saying, I agree to an extent, but I also know it's just not always so cut and dried.

 

The fact is- people are flawed.

 

Divorce would work if the parents were emotionally healthy, well balanced adults.

 

But in most cases- the parents are not emotionally healthy individuals. They are confused, screwed up people trying to be happy. They seek this "happiness" at their children's expense.

 

At least if their parents stay together, they don't have to deal with abandonment, moving, making new friends, mom's boyfriends, dad's girlfriends, dad's new kids.

 

Divorce just gives them many more problems to cope with.

 

And who models coping skills? The methods that we will use to cope with adversity, heartache and pain?

 

Our parents.