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What is the nature of your conflict/suffering and how do you cope?

zevahc

By zevahc
in The Other Man / Woman

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zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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What is the nature of your conflict/suffering and how do you cope- for married APs in NC with a single AP

 

My question is more targeted towards those married AP's in a relationship past/present with a single OM or OW. When you're at home...do you miss them? Does it come and go? When things seem to be going well with your BS, do you feel less for the OM/OW?

 

I am in agony....I miss xMW and I know she loved me at one point...what I don't know is if she also truly loved her BS or if she just settled for duty, time and stability. She seemed to fall away. She wanted to cake eat and continue friendship, but I just can't. I miss her...and used to think she just needed to pursue process of going to MC, trying, but that she wouldn't find those answers she's seeking. I'm still not sure.

 

Anyhow, I'm just curious if anyone is willing to elaborate...who might find themselves an AP with a single person in NC or even LC? Do you just try to move on?

Edited by zevahc
typos...
AutumnMoon Established Member

AutumnMoon

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What is the nature of your conflict/suffering and how do you cope- for married APs in NC with a single AP

 

My question is more targeted towards those married AP's in a relationship past/present with a single OM or OW. When you're at home...do you miss them? Does it come and go? When things seem to be going well with your BS, do you feel less for the OM/OW?

 

I am in agony....I miss xMW and I know she loved me at one point...what I don't know is if she also truly loved her BS or if she just settled for duty, time and stability. She seemed to fall away. She wanted to cake eat and continue friendship, but I just can't. I miss her...and used to think she just needed to pursue process of going to MC, trying, but that she wouldn't find those answers she's seeking. I'm still not sure.

 

Anyhow, I'm just curious if anyone is willing to elaborate...who might find themselves an AP with a single person in NC or even LC? Do you just try to move on?

 

My AP isn't single he's married too. But we have both said at different times we thought about each other way to much.

If she cared at all, she thinks of you.

You can move on. It seems likes its easier for the married person to move on maybe but I think that's just because they are hiding their emotions trying to keep from getting caught and yes they love their BS or they would leave.. There are other factors like kids and assets too, but with no love.. They would leave.

They also have a lot more to distract them and that probably helps then move on quicker too.. But remember you can go on to so many other things.. They'll still be stuck in the same place they are at and it won't get better unless they change or get the balls to leave.

 

It is totally possible she loved you AND her BS. I know the position well. The majority of people will choose to remain with their spouse because its about stability especially with kids.

 

Doesn't mean they never cared.

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AutumnMoon Established Member

AutumnMoon

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I didn't answer much there maybe.

 

The nature of my suffering is yes I miss my AP way to much.. But I try to put that energy elsewhere or Id go nuts. This is relationship on the SIDE.

I cope by remembering that, reminding myself we have seperate lives and this will not last forever.

And sometimes I cry in the shower.

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zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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I didn't answer much there maybe.

 

The nature of my suffering is yes I miss my AP way to much.. But I try to put that energy elsewhere or Id go nuts. This is relationship on the SIDE.

I cope by remembering that, reminding myself we have seperate lives and this will not last forever.

And sometimes I cry in the shower.

 

Thank you AutumnMoon. They have no kids..just a short M. I do assume there is some love there...and perhaps it's love of stability...and what he's provided thus far. She lives a lie..he knows nothing. And I can't pretend to know what she thinks. I just know it's hard for me..feeling like I'm the only one trying to cope...while she goes back to her old life.

 

But I appreciate your response...

AutumnMoon Established Member

AutumnMoon

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Thank you AutumnMoon. They have no kids..just a short M. I do assume there is some love there...and perhaps it's love of stability...and what he's provided thus far. She lives a lie..he knows nothing. And I can't pretend to know what she thinks. I just know it's hard for me..feeling like I'm the only one trying to cope...while she goes back to her old life.

 

But I appreciate your response...

 

A huge issue for me leaving is my kids. But not just them. I don't know how short her marriage has been but even in a few years people become intertwined with extended family, mutual friends are made, reputations established.. For me, no matter how pathetic it sounds (I wouldn't admit it in real life) I'd feel like a total failure to all those people if I left my marriage, I can't bring myself to do it.

 

I have other reasons to stay but that is a huge issue for me even though I know it's ridiculous to some, it's a real threat to me.

 

Good luck. I believe there are no soulmates, just great matches, and you'll find yours.

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zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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A huge issue for me leaving is my kids. But not just them. I don't know how short her marriage has been but even in a few years people become intertwined with extended family, mutual friends are made, reputations established.. For me, no matter how pathetic it sounds (I wouldn't admit it in real life) I'd feel like a total failure to all those people if I left my marriage, I can't bring myself to do it.

 

I have other reasons to stay but that is a huge issue for me even though I know it's ridiculous to some, it's a real threat to me.

 

Good luck. I believe there are no soulmates, just great matches, and you'll find yours.

 

Thanks AM. I believe there are soulmates. But perhaps more than one person can fit that mold. Things change and choices are made. Hopefully that doesn't leave us doomed if there were only one other.

 

I get the relationships, friendships etc...and believe that plays a huge part. Moreso than extended family. The idea of starting over and appearing a failure holds her back I'm sure. Her choices to make. Not mine. Still my heart is broken.

TooAttached Member

TooAttached

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I am a MOW. I stay because of the kids. And it tears me apart. I think of the OM constantly. We are on LC now but not by my choice and it was never formally stated. He is pulling away, I think bc he knew I was too attached. (Ours was "only" on EA). It's interesting how you want our perspective bc I also sit here wondering the OM's perspective. Doesn't he miss me? How is he handling going from 24/7 chatting to nothing? Did he really care about me?? I want to ask him so badly.

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zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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I am a MOW. I stay because of the kids. And it tears me apart. I think of the OM constantly. We are on LC now but not by my choice and it was never formally stated. He is pulling away, I think bc he knew I was too attached. (Ours was "only" on EA). It's interesting how you want our perspective bc I also sit here wondering the OM's perspective. Doesn't he miss me? How is he handling going from 24/7 chatting to nothing? Did he really care about me?? I want to ask him so badly.

 

I can tell you that he misses you. I'm a single OM and I would say that close to 100% of my thoughts surround xMW. I miss every second without her and often feel doomed that my heart will never feel different. I cycle between wishing I had never met her (because she doesn't choose to be with me), to being grateful...that I experienced it. There are times I think she lied to herself and didn't really feel this way..and other times I think she does and just isn't strong enough. She has no kids..short M..but has made no moves...there was never a DDay...her words used to be so strong..that she knew what she wanted..just not how to make the steps to get there. I sense an average M with some problems. Maybe she works on it and finds out it goes nowhere. But I feel tortured by her existence...we work together. I cannot get 100% NC, only close.

 

I am not a complete me..and don't know how to become that..for someone else...and feel like I'm wasting my time and life without any option to choose otherwise.

psm04 Established Member

psm04

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Zevahc, I am so sorry. I feel for you. Your pain seems so raw. I truly hope that you find peace with all of this one day.

 

I think regardless of whether the AP is married or not, the feelings involved are the same, and as real as they can be. But unfortunately, there is also the other reality, which is the primary life. I'm married and I don't have kids, but ultimately I still couldn't leave. His reasons, from what he said, involved his kids, but I'm sure there were more than that. There is shared friends, families, finances, everything. It is unfortunate that love isn't enough sometimes. Sometimes staying in the marriage just is the practical thing to do.

 

I'm sure that you MOW had and has feelings for you. She probably still has feelings for her husband too. I'm sorry to say that, but I think you would like honesty. She is probably feeling torn though about her feelings for both of you. Only she knows. But, her desire to maintain a 'friendship' with you knowing how tortured you are is selfish on her part. In my case, it's the XOMM who wants that, whereas I just want to stay away as much as I can, so that I can heal.

 

How long has she been married for?

 

You will feel complete one day. Stay positive. If it is meant to happen, it will. But, you staying as a crutch for her will only enable her even further to stay in both situations, while you would be emotionally drained. I hope that even though you work together ( I work with xomm too), you can find ways to stay away.

psm04 Established Member

psm04

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even in a few years people become intertwined with extended family, mutual friends are made, reputations established.. For me, no matter how pathetic it sounds (I wouldn't admit it in real life) I'd feel like a total failure to all those people if I left my marriage, I can't bring myself to do it.

 

Same here. I love my husband, but there are definitely other things too. 98% of our friends and acquaintances are mutual, and our lives are so intertwined that if things fell apart, it would be a nightmare for everyone. I'd feel like a failure to all those people too. And it would be so awkward for all of them since they know and like both of us.

TooAttached Member

TooAttached

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I totally know what you mean about going back and forth wishing you'd never met her but being happy you did. I feel changed forever. I feel tortured staying with my H but now I know what to look for if I ever get the guts to leave him. (I assume OM won't be waiting around by then, even though I wish he would).

Honestly I think I'm gonna break LC and see him this week and if I can somehow say it in a non-psycho way, I am going to ask if he misses our chats.

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zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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I totally know what you mean about going back and forth wishing you'd never met her but being happy you did. I feel changed forever. I feel tortured staying with my H but now I know what to look for if I ever get the guts to leave him. (I assume OM won't be waiting around by then, even though I wish he would).

Honestly I think I'm gonna break LC and see him this week and if I can somehow say it in a non-psycho way, I am going to ask if he misses our chats.

 

What is the point of breaking LC? Will it help you guys..if not, then don't do it!

 

Zevahc, I am so sorry. I feel for you. Your pain seems so raw. I truly hope that you find peace with all of this one day.

 

I think regardless of whether the AP is married or not, the feelings involved are the same, and as real as they can be. But unfortunately, there is also the other reality, which is the primary life. I'm married and I don't have kids, but ultimately I still couldn't leave. His reasons, from what he said, involved his kids, but I'm sure there were more than that. There is shared friends, families, finances, everything. It is unfortunate that love isn't enough sometimes. Sometimes staying in the marriage just is the practical thing to do.

 

I'm sure that you MOW had and has feelings for you. She probably still has feelings for her husband too. I'm sorry to say that, but I think you would like honesty. She is probably feeling torn though about her feelings for both of you. Only she knows. But, her desire to maintain a 'friendship' with you knowing how tortured you are is selfish on her part. In my case, it's the XOMM who wants that, whereas I just want to stay away as much as I can, so that I can heal.

 

How long has she been married for?

 

You will feel complete one day. Stay positive. If it is meant to happen, it will. But, you staying as a crutch for her will only enable her even further to stay in both situations, while you would be emotionally drained. I hope that even though you work together ( I work with xomm too), you can find ways to stay away.

 

She has been married for 4 years..i've been with her for 2 of them....They were together a little longer befor ethat so the history between them is more than 4 years. No kids though..but I think the other facts are an "issue". Extended family not so much because that is one of the issues I think they battle with..but friendships, finances etc...but not even that so much. I suspect she just has a love for him...that isn't maybe the same...but it's one that has come from the time in the relationship.

 

Oh well...one day at a time.

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zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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Zevahc, I am so sorry. I feel for you. Your pain seems so raw. I truly hope that you find peace with all of this one day.

 

I hope I find a peace some day too...i really do. I hate feeling continually stuck. I don't have a choice so stuck isn't the right word. I feel I'll never love like this again. But also feel so stuck...I pray constantly that God will help take these feelings if they aren't meant to be...and if they are, to help me deal with them.

RickFox Established Member

RickFox

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You'll find peace if you let yourself find peace. I know the pain all too well but something has to give man. She is not yours, she never truly was and honestly, the chance of it happening are slim to none.

 

Honestly, the only way you will heal is you pull away from her completely and take her off that damn pedestal. Yes, they were/are special, but you were not her first pick, it's time to move forward and if you let yourself, it can be done.

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zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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You'll find peace if you let yourself find peace. I know the pain all too well but something has to give man. She is not yours, she never truly was and honestly, the chance of it happening are slim to none.

 

Honestly, the only way you will heal is you pull away from her completely and take her off that damn pedestal. Yes, they were/are special, but you were not her first pick, it's time to move forward and if you let yourself, it can be done.

 

Working towards it Rick..one tiny step at a time. Believe I get closer each day.

Wambo Established Member

Wambo

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Thank you AutumnMoon. They have no kids..just a short M. I do assume there is some love there...and perhaps it's love of stability...and what he's provided thus far. She lives a lie..he knows nothing. And I can't pretend to know what she thinks. I just know it's hard for me..feeling like I'm the only one trying to cope...while she goes back to her old life.

 

But I appreciate your response...

 

I'm pretty much in the same boat.

 

I'm now regretting ending the EA. If I had continued there is a good chance it would become a PA and maybe enough to end her relationship with her boyfriend. Now things are very complex because she moved in with him, our department change and she want to restart the EA.

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zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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I'm pretty much in the same boat.

 

I'm now regretting ending the EA. If I had continued there is a good chance it would become a PA and maybe enough to end her relationship with her boyfriend. Now things are very complex because she moved in with him, our department change and she want to restart the EA.

 

Wambo, I don't think there are guarantees....whether you continued the EA or not...may not have changed anything...you might just be getting hurt worse.

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