Are there girls out there who want what I want?

[xyz1234]

So I have had some online dating accounts for a while and over the past few months haven't really been doing any actual dating because I'm honestly sick of the process, but recently I've had some girls initiate conversations online (carried over to texting) and it's looking like four of them want to meet me. The problem is I don't even really want to date. I've gotten to a point recently where I really don't feel like I want the type of relationship that most girls want. I'm kind of introverted and while I like to go out once or twice a week with friends I really like to keep to myself for the most part. I only want to see a girl once or twice a week and I'm pretty terrified of commitment.

 

The whole "terrified of commitment" thing probably stems from the fact that I'm a mid-twenties virgin and feel like I need to have sex with a decent amount of girls before I feel ready to commit to anything. I also kind of tried to get into a relationship ("kind of" because I didn't really go into it with that intention but ended up kind of wanting it) a few months back and got dumped right as it was starting to get close to relationship territory, so that probably messed me up a bit too. I'm also pretty terrified because some of my friends are starting to get to the point where they're getting engaged and starting to think about having kids. I'm at a point now where I'm not sure if I ever want to get married since committing to one person forever seems really dumb to me, and having kids seems like a good way to make sure you won't be able to do anything exciting again until you're retirement age and excitement is likely to give you a heart attack. No offense to anyone reading this who is married and has kids, I wouldn't be here without people like you! This may just be my messed up mindset right now that has me feeling this way.

 

Overall I guess I'm pretty damaged, and I don't want to hurt anyone or get hurt at this point. I just want casual flings I guess, but not just one-night stands because I just don't identify as that type of person and don't want to be that guy. So I guess what I want is a friend with benefits. I'm just scared of hurting girls or being sucked into a relationship. I really hope the right girl for me doesn't come around any time soon because I feel like I'll either end things with her because of my stance on relationships right now or get into a long-term relationship and have regrets later about how I never had sex with anyone else.

 

Maybe I'm just over thinking this and there really are a good amount of girls out there who are looking for the same thing I am, but they sure as hell don't seem to convey that sentiment on their online dating profiles. Honestly, if they did I'd probably be turned off by it, and I don't convey that in my profile because even when I change my preference on POF from "wants a relationship" to "wants to date but nothing serious" I completely stop getting emails/likes.

 

If anyone has any tips/advice I'd appreciate it!

[Drewx2]

I think you have a disease. "Takinglifetooseriouslyinitis"...I believe that's the technical term. I have it too sometimes & it's a b*tch.

[Scales]

I just want casual flings I guess, but not just one-night stands because I just don't identify as that type of person and don't want to be that guy. So I guess what I want is a friend with benefits. I'm just scared of hurting girls or being sucked into a relationship.

 

I wrote something else but then changed it because this really stuck out to me. You want casual sex, but don't want one night stands because of the stigma or image? It makes no sense. You've got to be able to accept the fact that you want sex. You either want no sex, casual sex, or a relationship. And luckily we live in a time where having casual sex with people is the norm. Its called hook up culture. I bet as you just read that you hated the sound of it. I get it. The truth about sex is, it costs something. You've got to give time and effort into achieving it. You can't just get someone to sleep with you 1 to 2 times a week without giving them a reason why it should be you. Are you sexy, hot, funny, rich, best person at sex ever? none of those?

 

Also don't be scared of hurting girls or getting hurt. You wouldn't join a soccer game and say I'm scared of stealing the ball. You play to win. You are playing against other guys all the time. Girls are out there doing just as much damage as guys. You go out there, you play to win, and do your best. Trust me when I say that very often no one cares if your feelings get hurt. But really why do you care about hurting girls if you don't want an emotional investment? Or maybe you just want a casual girlfriend who only shows up 2 times a week to have sex? Best of luck on that one. You'd have better luck devoting your life to finding pirate treasure.

[nescafe1982]

I actually dated a guy like you for a while. And for the time, it was what I wanted. I met him OLD, where I'd opened an account after a 7 year relationship that ended really terribly. I was FAR from ready to date "for real" again, but I also needed to rediscover my mojo and gain some confidence. I needed a rebound, and a kind one. When I met Ali, he really was perfect for that: he was one of these types that was not a player but due to work constraints and some cultural issues, he was not really able to date "for real" at the moment. But he wanted to have companionship, and so did I... so we hung out for six months or so while I recovered from my ex.

 

Our dating worked like this: We would see one another once a week, on Saturdays. We would go out on a date, enjoyed one another's company immensely, and had great sex. But we had mutually agreed that we were sexually exclusive and that our relationship was not going to progress into more intensity. Every Sunday we went our separate ways. There was no future talk, no pressure, and no introductions to family/friends. There was even a sense of loss, shared loneliness, and a tinge of sadness between us... but there was also respect, appreciation, affection, passion, and renewal (it was a rebound for me, after all).

 

After about six months, we mutually broke it off and have remained friends, kind of (the kind of friends that email once in a while, distant). But I still credit the guy with helping me through a very difficult time in my life, and he has since gone back "home" and gotten engaged to a lovely woman who shares his cultural values.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is that the type of relationship you're describing does happen and can be done with minimal/no drama. BUT: it must be done with mutual consent (e.g. not stringing women along if they want a future) and, well, I've never seen it done for much longer than a few months. What you're describing sounds like you want companionship without commitment... the only potential pitfall is that companionship always ends or loses meaning if the commitment doesn't come eventually.

 

By all means, pursue the relational style you want. But my advice? Be frank and upfront about your intentions and understand that a the feelings of loss and closure will always be a significant aspect of such a relationship. At least, in my experience they were.

 

 

Edit to add: I guess I should also say that if sex is what you're after, and NOT companionship of any kind, then the kind of relationship I'm describing above is NOT possible. If sex is all you wish to offer someone, you will unfortunately be very, very likely to hurt any woman you get involved with. If you want to bang something and it doesn't matter who is at the other end of your penis (I'm not saying that's what you are after, just IF it is), there are paid services for that.

Edited September 13, 2013 by nescafe1982

[pteromom]

I'm at a point now where I'm not sure if I ever want to get married since committing to one person forever seems really dumb to me, and having kids seems like a good way to make sure you won't be able to do anything exciting again until you're retirement age and excitement is likely to give you a heart attack. No offense to anyone reading this who is married and has kids, I wouldn't be here without people like you! This may just be my messed up mindset right now that has me feeling this way.

 

It's not a messed up mindset. It's called being young.

 

If you want to try to have casual sex, go for it. You'll soon figure out if there are girls who want what you want with you.

 

Just be honest though. Tell them upfront (before sex!) that you aren't looking for an exclusive or long-term relationship; just someone to have fun with. If they want the same thing, great.

 

Don't discount one-night stands. YOU define yourself, so there is no such thing as "that guy". Just because you dabble in one-night stands doesn't mean you transform into some kind of jerk.

 

Just have fun and be honest, and don't worry about marriage and kids right now.

 

(Although: The excitement doesn't end when you have children. You just redefine excitement. It's a lot of fun. )

[crederer]

I only read the first 2 paragraphs cause it said everything I needed to know. You're afraid that you'll be dissapointing in bed and the girl you're into will leave you.

 

Just be upfront about it. It's not a terrible thing. The right girl will accept it for what it is. Hell, I'm sure there's plenty of girls that would actually prefer it cuz they can mould you into the type of lover they like.

[xyz1234]

I know it's almost a year later now but I just wanted to thank those who responded, I think you gave some good advice. For some reason I was kind of nervous to see what people had to say and posting had a therapeutic effect that was helpful anyway so I didn't look at the responses until now.

 

In case anyone wanted to know, I finally got into my first relationship (and had sex) but the relationship recently ended horribly haha. Oh well, it's tough but I know I'm better off for it. But now I'm in a position where I know I eventually want a relationship again but I'm probably not ready yet... but I want to get out and meet girls, get over my ex, and have new experiences so that I'll be ready for when "the one" comes around, but the "casual dating" thing still seems tricky to me. I think I'm the type of person that gets too emotionally invested in any type of relationship and wants to remain friendly with everyone I meet, but I'll just be upfront about it, see how things go, and try to take it all a little less seriously. Thanks again!

[Gloria25]

I agree with nescafe1982...I only WISH I could have that weekend type thing you had with the guy you were talking about in your post. Well, again, the downside of casual RLs - just like yours and the one I had is that they eventually fade cuz there's no glue (i.e. children, shared goals, marriage).

 

As for the other stuff said by nescafe1982, I also agree with it. The OP needs to make a decision as to what kinds of RLs he wants. I mean, he IS young and I understand why he feels he shouldn't be tied down and I sorta agree. What I don't get with some people is why they believe they need to plow 20 people until they're ready to settle down. I mean, why do some people think different flavors of people are gonna make them more experienced and/or worldly and/or satisfy their thirst....

 

Cuz, when you do find "the one" and settle down, there ALWAYS is gonna be someone hotter and better than your SO, PERIOD!!! So, IMO, you have to be mature enough to know what you want in a mate and not stray on some silly whim that you think you missed out on something or are gonna experience something "different" or "new", cuz strange isn't going away once you commit to an SO.

 

So, if you are in a college type of environment, I say that's really good cuz you get to meet and date people - often without the pressure of actually dating them - to figure out what you want the day you beside to settle.

 

Now, when it comes to sex? Numbers aren't gonna make you skilled in bed. It takes practice - especially with someone you are in a RL with...Read sex books, watch porn, practice alone. I kidd you not, I would practice with a ketchup bottle doing certain things. Shoot, even in making out you can practice some things to use when you get naked.

 

Oh, and online dating...let's just say I hate it. Too many fakes and flakes

[ktya]

I'm kind of introverted and while I like to go out once or twice a week with friends I really like to keep to myself for the most part.

 

Your going to need to find activities outside of the house that you can do to meet like minded women and interact with them. Not just any activity, but activities that you really like and want to do centered around your own interests.

 

Or try to meet a girl through your friends in the same social circle.

 

If your introverted OLD game yes is going to get old very fast (sorry for the pun). Its like doing cold approach over and over and over again and your definitely going to find it really draining. The women who are kind of like yourself are going to get ten times more frustrated than you ten times faster because chicks get like 100 messages a day mostly from creeps and illiterate dudes who want to send them pictures of their cock.

 

Do it organically. Use OLD to up your cold approach game and build confidence, but just look at it like practice unless you hit the jackpot and find something really great. Use the confidence to approach a friend of a friend or someone at a conference or event or activity centered around your own interests.

 

From your post (I could be wrong) the ideal girl for you is a homebody type. Unfortunately they're all at home and knocking on doors asking if there's a single girl your age living at the house is not only weak game, but you could get a five finger sandwich from the man of the house.

[xyz1234]

As for the other stuff said by nescafe1982, I also agree with it. The OP needs to make a decision as to what kinds of RLs he wants. I mean, he IS young and I understand why he feels he shouldn't be tied down and I sorta agree. What I don't get with some people is why they believe they need to plow 20 people until they're ready to settle down. I mean, why do some people think different flavors of people are gonna make them more experienced and/or worldly and/or satisfy their thirst....

 

Cuz, when you do find "the one" and settle down, there ALWAYS is gonna be someone hotter and better than your SO, PERIOD!!! So, IMO, you have to be mature enough to know what you want in a mate and not stray on some silly whim that you think you missed out on something or are gonna experience something "different" or "new", cuz strange isn't going away once you commit to an SO.

 

Well, I think I've kind of come up with a decision on the types of relationships I want. From now on I kind of want to fool around with girls who I'm not that into and leave the actual relationships to girls I'm very attracted to. And maybe along the way one of the girls I start out not that into I'll end up falling for because they're perfect for me, who knows. I do think I need to experience a few girls, and that's not to say just sex, but their personalities, and kind of get to know what they would potentially be like if we were to get into a relationship. Because right now the only thing I have to go by is my crazy ex. If she hadn't taken the initiative to dump me (for dumb reasons, but it was for the best anyway) I may have stuck with her for who knows how long because she is all I really know. I would have eventually had "grass is always greener" thoughts but I may have stuck it out with her. I'm a person who hates change so it definitely would have been a possibility.

 

So right now I think I just want to see what's out there, maybe have some short flings, and eventually settle down with a girl I REALLY like. I feel like I'd be selling myself short if I don't meet more girls and have some non-committal type relationships (while leaving the possibility open for more than that). I read this article that kind of describes my thought process on the subject right now, here's an excerpt:

 

"...the best way to proceed is to interview (or date) the first 36.8 percent of the candidates. Don't hire (or marry) any of them, but as soon as you meet a candidate who's better than the best of that first group — that's the one you choose! Yes, the Very Best Candidate might show up in that first 36.8 percent — in which case you'll be stuck with second best, but still, if you like favorable odds, this is the best way to go."

 

I know it seems really calculated but I do think I need more data before I can make my decision basically. The problem is I'm really not sure I can do the fling thing without getting my heart involved at all. If I think someone is a really cool person I just don't like whatever relationship I have with them to end.

 

So, if you are in a college type of environment, I say that's really good cuz you get to meet and date people - often without the pressure of actually dating them - to figure out what you want the day you beside to settle.

 

Now, when it comes to sex? Numbers aren't gonna make you skilled in bed. It takes practice - especially with someone you are in a RL with...Read sex books, watch porn, practice alone. I kidd you not, I would practice with a ketchup bottle doing certain things. Shoot, even in making out you can practice some things to use when you get naked.

 

Oh, and online dating...let's just say I hate it. Too many fakes and flakes

 

I'm not in a college type of environment at all unfortunately. Most of my friends are in long-term relationships so we really don't even do much together anymore where there is the potential to meet someone.

 

The sex numbers thing was something that I used to kind of think about when I was a virgin, but with my ex I actually started having thoughts that if she ended up being the only person I ever had sex with I don't think that would really be a problem for me. So I think I'm over that. I'm not nearly as worried as I was about being bad in bed as when I was a virgin, so that's also good news.

[xyz1234]

Your going to need to find activities outside of the house that you can do to meet like minded women and interact with them. Not just any activity, but activities that you really like and want to do centered around your own interests.

 

Or try to meet a girl through your friends in the same social circle.

 

If your introverted OLD game yes is going to get old very fast (sorry for the pun). Its like doing cold approach over and over and over again and your definitely going to find it really draining. The women who are kind of like yourself are going to get ten times more frustrated than you ten times faster because chicks get like 100 messages a day mostly from creeps and illiterate dudes who want to send them pictures of their cock.

 

Do it organically. Use OLD to up your cold approach game and build confidence, but just look at it like practice unless you hit the jackpot and find something really great. Use the confidence to approach a friend of a friend or someone at a conference or event or activity centered around your own interests.

 

From your post (I could be wrong) the ideal girl for you is a homebody type. Unfortunately they're all at home and knocking on doors asking if there's a single girl your age living at the house is not only weak game, but you could get a five finger sandwich from the man of the house.

 

Yeah, that's true, I'll have to find more activities to do where I'd have the potential to meet new people.

 

I am introverted but not really to any extreme I don't think. I need time every once in a while to just stay home by myself and "recharge" but I don't need that much of it. Even so, my ex would always start a fight if I told her I wanted to see her less that the entire 48 hours of the weekend for that reason.

[xyz1234]

I guess what I need to figure out is how to handle it when I meet a girl that I'm attracted to but don't see myself pursuing a serious relationship with. I don't want any hurt feelings or unmet expectations because I really am a person who is sensitive to that sort of thing and feel horrible when I know I've hurt someone, even unintentionally.

 

For example, I've been talking to someone online recently (she initiated) and we're supposed to meet next week. Based on her pictures I'm attracted to her but we aren't of the same race and while I'm not racist I kind of feel like it could end up being a hangup for me as far as marriage is concerned if it were to ever get to that point, so I want to let it be known that I don't really want that to be someone she pursues with the hopes of potentially marrying.

 

But anyway, I'm trying to figure out how best to put it that I want to meet and see how things go, but I'm really not wanting to get serious all that soon if at all with that person. I say "with that person" because in all honesty, if I meet a gorgeous girl who has her **** together I'm not going to want to say any of this because I very well could want to pursue a serious relationship with someone like that.

 

For one, do you guys think it's best that I lay it all out there before we meet, or should I explain it to her on the first date? Her OkCupid profile does say she's looking for friends, short-term dating, or long-term dating, so I guess she probably wouldn't hate me for it.

 

I keep trying to come up with sings to say/text in these situations in order to be straight forward about what I'm looking for, but I re-read them and always feel like I come off sounding like someone who is looking for a one-night stand when that really isn't the case.