Divorce?? I'm so scared.

[rae_lana]

I've lied about a major issue in my back ground story. I do have kids. Two young ones. At first I left that out because I was trying to keep who I was a secret and everything else about my story would be so obvious to those that knew me..

Then I felt so judged and was scares to admit, I've been being a terrible mother this last year for doing this.

 

My husband told me he thinks I'm not in love with him last night. I denied it like crazy.

But I'm not.

I love him, but I know we shouldn't be together anymore. And if we broke up I'd lose him completely and the thought makes me feel like dying. I'm scared that my kids won't have a full time dad anymore I'm scared ill have no family anymore because his is all I've got. I don't work enough to support me and my kids, and he will make it as hard on me as possible.

He wants me to admit I want to end it and I can't. I would miss him so much but we both deserve more than what we have now.

What do I do.

[GorillaTheater]

I know we shouldn't be together anymore.

 

There's your answer.

 

I think you have a very hard time telling the truth, even to yourself. But I also think the above is truth. So tell it.

[Balzac]

I don't work enough to support me and my kids, and he will make it as hard on me as possible.

 

Child support is based in his income. I'm sure you'll make, everyone does.

Giving him physical custody would solve most of the concerns you've expressed here.

[imfine]

Perhaps you should ask your husband for a time, say six months, devoted to fully working on your marriage. Counseling, date nights, days at the park with the kids, etc. Commit to working like mad to save your marriage. Of course this means the OM has to go, completely. After that period of time, if you both feel it's over then divorce. However, you may find what you once had if you make an effort.

[rae_lana]

I don't work enough to support me and my kids, and he will make it as hard on me as possible.

 

Child support is based in his income. I'm sure you'll make, everyone does.

Giving him physical custody would solve most of the concerns you've expressed here.

 

My kids are will me 24/7 unless in school. I would never want to give up custody! That's my main issue. My main fear. I would want shared custody.

[rae_lana]

Perhaps you should ask your husband for a time, say six months, devoted to fully working on your marriage. Counseling, date nights, days at the park with the kids, etc. Commit to working like mad to save your marriage. Of course this means the OM has to go, completely. After that period of time, if you both feel it's over then divorce. However, you may find what you once had if you make an effort.

 

That's what I want. He doesn't think I really want to he thinks its only about money, it's not. I want my kids to have a family.

[bentleychic]

You don't have a choice about sharing custody unless he's not interested. I have my kids pretty much full time except one to two nights a month, but that's due to their fathers schedule. I'll be honest, it's exhausting, but I work full time, too. I know as little as they see him now weakens their bond with them.

[rae_lana]

So basically your staying is for your wants and desires? So what is the alternative to leaving? Stay with him and use him so you can have a family?.

 

No. I'm not a terrible wife, I've supported him for years during a lot of mistakes he's made which I can't describe here, him cheating in that past isn't an excuse for me cheating but don't get the impression I'm a horrible person and he's a saint please. Name calling, and leaving for days at a time is his pattern .. I'm not perfect I admit that. But taking cafe of him and our family was my main priority for the last decade and I did a good job. I screwed a lot up in the last year

[imfine]

That's what I want. He doesn't think I really want to he thinks its only about money, it's not. I want my kids to have a family.

If you want your kids to have a family, then be a good mother and wife. It's not up to your husband to fix this mess. It starts with you. No more obsessing over the OM, no more sex with OM, no more friendship, blah blah blah with the OM.

 

Did he ask you for a divorce? Or did he just ask if you are "in love" with him?

[rae_lana]

[quote=vellocet;5207654

If he doesn't want custody, or can't because of work obligations, then you will get child support.

 

And even if he works full time, he could have them in day care when not in school.

 

Rather than with their mother? That's what I don't want and exactly what would happen. They would barely see him same as now but they also wouldn't have me.

 

Before its said... I have NEVER been with this other man when they were in my care.

[imfine]

No. I'm not a terrible wife, I've supported him for years during a lot of mistakes he's made which I can't describe here, him cheating in that past isn't an excuse for me cheating but don't get the impression I'm a horrible person and he's a saint please. Name calling, and leaving for days at a time is his pattern .. I'm not perfect I admit that. But taking cafe of him and our family was my main priority for the last decade and I did a good job. I screwed a lot up in the last year

I don't want you to think I'm saying he's not accountable for his contributions to the break down of the marriage, but you can't make him work on it. The only person you can change is you. You'll never know if you don't try.

[rae_lana]

If you want your kids to have a family, then be a good mother and wife. It's not up to your husband to fix this mess. It starts with you. No more obsessing over the OM, no more sex with OM, no more friendship, blah blah blah with the OM.

 

Did he ask you for a divorce? Or did he just ask if you are "in love" with him?

 

He told me he thinks I'm not in love with him. I do love him but I screwed so much up.

[KentuckyGent]

I don't work enough to support me and my kids, and he will make it as hard on me as possible.

 

Child support is based in his income. I'm sure you'll make, everyone does.

Giving him physical custody would solve most of the concerns you've expressed here.

 

 

What makes us so sure he wouldn't be awarded custody?

[rae_lana]

What makes us so sure he wouldn't be awarded custody?

 

I've always been their primary care giver. The only reason I don't work full time was to take care of them and two of my husbands family members who I've raised for the last 6 years. I wouldn't want to keep them from their dad at all, I would want them to be with me over daycare though and if he had full custody they would be on daycare more than with him or family without any doubt,

[bentleychic]

In most states, the non custodial parent should get first right of refusal if the custodial parent needs a care taker for the kids and the non custodial parent is deemed fit.

[Owl]

Well damn.

 

What do you see as a possible "good outcome" of this situation?

 

Seems to me, you don't want a "good outcome". You want some kind of fictional, impossible outcome.

 

You want your kids to have a good family, but you're not willing to do what it takes to have a good marriage...which is key to that "good family". You're not willing to do what it takes to have a "good divorce", which is the other method for having a "good family".

 

Well damn...not sure what a bunch of folks on the internet are going to be able to do for you, in that light.

 

You need to make a darned choice...and then get off your butt and work to implement that choice.

 

Either fix your marriage, or end it.

 

But frankly you're not gonna solve a damn thing by doing what you've been doing up to this point.

 

**** or get off the pot already.

[whatatangledweb]

I've lied about a major issue in my back ground story. I do have kids. Two young ones. At first I left that out because I was trying to keep who I was a secret and everything else about my story would be so obvious to those that knew me..

Then I felt so judged and was scares to admit, I've been being a terrible mother this last year for doing this.

 

My husband told me he thinks I'm not in love with him last night. I denied it like crazy.

But I'm not.

I love him, but I know we shouldn't be together anymore. And if we broke up I'd lose him completely and the thought makes me feel like dying. I'm scared that my kids won't have a full time dad anymore I'm scared ill have no family anymore because his is all I've got. I don't work enough to support me and my kids, and he will make it as hard on me as possible.

He wants me to admit I want to end it and I can't. I would miss him so much but we both deserve more than what we have now.

What do I do.

 

You tell him the truth. That you do not love him . You are just using him by staying with him when you don't love him. Would you want to be used like that? I divorced when my children were 2 and 4 and I was a SAHM. I got a job, my kids still saw their father, and he and I were both happier.

[velvette]

I've always been their primary care giver. The only reason I don't work full time was to take care of them and two of my husbands family members who I've raised for the last 6 years. I wouldn't want to keep them from their dad at all, I would want them to be with me over daycare though and if he had full custody they would be on daycare more than with him or family without any doubt,

 

None of that matters if a judge decides you are not fit(or the best parent) to have sole custody.

 

You are twisting in the wind and as someone else posted on one of your threads a "hot mess" and now your H is onto you.

 

Its only a matter of time before he figures out whats going on. A little chit chat with MM W, maybe she commiserates, tells her own sob story about how she hates sex with her kinky H and voila your H puts two and two together.

 

Or maybe they start their own A and ya'll can just swap partners. That's really all that's missing from this story except murder and mayhem.

 

By the way, your story when discovered and laid out in a custody hearing is not going to make you sound like a fit parent. Infidelity is one thing but carrying on in the family home with your H friend and throw in kinky/deviant sex and the most jaded judge may think twice about going with the standard mother is best plan. And that doesn't include all your other deep issues alluded to which I'm guessing are whoppers given your current behavior.

 

If you want your life to change, which obviously you did or you wouldn't be in this situation it is much easier to go to a counselor dig deep and find the answers you need to reshape your life than to just blow it all up and then be forced to pick up the pieces and start over.

 

Take control of your life. Call a counselor now and make an appt. You need way more help than is available here. If you cant do it for you, do it for your children. They deserve better than this from you.

[Red Wolverine]

You've said your AP has to be the one to end the affair because you're too weak. Consider this....

 

Who is more important than your children? Any mother should say no one. No question about it.

 

Regardless of whether you should ultimately divorce is not the priority right now. You're struggling, being bipolar makes this exacerbated.

 

You have to end the affair now. If his wife and your husband aren't reason enough, consider your children. You owe them the opportunity to stay in an intact family OR a deliberate decision between you and your husband to divorce.

 

No one needs the fallout of a discovered affair but children in the middle of that would take you to a place from which you'll struggle to ever get back.

[BetrayedH]

You want a good family for your children?

 

It's time to dig your way out of the rabbit hole.

 

End your affair. Confess your affair to your husband and beg for another chance to make things right. Then spend your time reinvesting in your marriage.

 

Statistically, those who confess affairs remain in their marriage about 70% of the time. If it is dicovered instead, that number is cut in half.

 

You've been here twisting in the breeze for a couple months now trying to find some magical solution. Guess what? There isn't one. The best shot you have is to stop the nonsense and do the right thing. You've said you've really screwed up this year. How about this: knock that shi t off!

 

Stop digging deeper and start digging your way out. It's not complicated and you don't need to do any mental gymnastics. If you've got an option that's better than 70%, I'd love to hear it.

[bentleychic]

I agree with Red Wolverine and BetrayedH. There's no man, no sex, nothing, more important than your kids and their happiness. I'm not saying stay in an unhappy marriage. I'm not one that believes kids are happier with two parents together rather than a divided family matter what. I'm saying if you're going to get out, end the affair and GET OUT of the marriage. If it's only unhappy b/c you are in an A, end it and work on your marriage.

 

Either way, those kids deserve 100% of your best and until you leave the marriage, your H does, too. Staying in an A with his friend is NOT giving it 100%.

[Goodbye]

Since you have been the primary caregiver, you could likely remain so after a divorce. You can have shared joint custody, with the primary residence being yours. I don't know if there is enough money for you to do so without working. You will receive child support. Your alimony award may be impacted by the infidelity, but child support should not. Most judges want continuity for the children, so the stay at home parent does have an advantage, as far as division of time with the children.

 

You need to leave your marriage or at least come clean with your H about what is going on. I know it is scary as h*ll when you are a stay at home mom. I was a stay at home mom and I left my marriage inspite of threats from my exH "to take everything." Judges want kids to do well.

[pteromom]

Who is more important than your children? Any mother should say no one. No question about it.

 

You have to end the affair now. If his wife and your husband aren't reason enough, consider your children. You owe them the opportunity to stay in an intact family OR a deliberate decision between you and your husband to divorce.

 

I agree 100%.

 

Also - remember that when you are cheating on your husband, you are cheating on your whole family. You may not see it that way, but I guarantee that your children will if your husband discovers your affair and tells them why he's leaving Mommy.

 

It is NOT just a betrayal of him.

 

You still have an opportunity here to just slip out of that affair and either reinvest in your marriage, or go for an amicable divorce.

[whichwayisup]

I've lied about a major issue in my back ground story. I do have kids. Two young ones. At first I left that out because I was trying to keep who I was a secret and everything else about my story would be so obvious to those that knew me..

Then I felt so judged and was scares to admit, I've been being a terrible mother this last year for doing this.

 

My husband told me he thinks I'm not in love with him last night. I denied it like crazy.

But I'm not.

I love him, but I know we shouldn't be together anymore. And if we broke up I'd lose him completely and the thought makes me feel like dying. I'm scared that my kids won't have a full time dad anymore I'm scared ill have no family anymore because his is all I've got. I don't work enough to support me and my kids, and he will make it as hard on me as possible.

He wants me to admit I want to end it and I can't. I would miss him so much but we both deserve more than what we have now.

What do I do.

 

The best thing that could have happened, has happened.

 

Your H can still be a father to the kids, just like you'll still be a mother to them as well. It'll just be under two separate houses and you two will co parent, apart. It won't be easy and I'm sure you'll get child support (not spousal support though) and also have other family members around to help out as well, any extra pair of hands will be well needed.

 

I think you're afraid of the changes, new routines, new life, and you should be BUT, it'll make you stronger and wake you up. Maybe then this obsessive affair you've been having will finally end and reality will smack you in the face.

 

Come clean. He knows something is really off and he IS going to divorce you, so you might as well tell him the truth. Chances are, he may know already and he's just seeing if you'll tell him. At least he'll respect you enough to admit it all.

[Balzac]

My kids are will me 24/7 unless in school. I would never want to give up custody! That's my main issue. My main fear. I would want shared custody.

 

Physical custody to him means you do share custody. If you're concerned about supporting your kids and him maintaing contact, it puts a significant burden for the kids squarely into his shoulders.