Bi Girlfriend Wants to Experiment

[Thomsons]

I'm really in trouble here, loveshack forum goers... I'm new here and I have no idea who any of you are but I'm really desperate for help here. I'll try to keep it brief but I feel obligated to at least provide a little background. I normally never do this. This is my first time in a relationship that I've felt so lost, desperate and confused that I've resorted to joining a random internet forum for opinions and answers. This following paragraph will just be some background, if you'd like to skip it to get to the meat of the story, skip to the paragraph after the following one. This post will be a long read, and I apologize, but I am simply making every detail as clear as possible so as to prevent any confusion about the situation so you can understand exactly how I feel.

 

I've been dating this girl for well over 3 years and we were even best friends before we "officially" started the relationship. Our relationship is long distance. We've only met in person once for a week. It's been virtually fight-free and completely amazing in just about every single way. We've always seen eye-to-eye on everything, ever. We can read each other's thoughts and finish each other's sentences daily. I have never been closer to anyone or loved anything more in my entire life, and she said she feels the same exact way about me. We've talked about getting married and living together countless times. We've talked for at least 19084803215809 hours together. I don't know anyone else nearly as well as I know her and vice versa, and we've confided things in each other that we've never told anybody else.

 

Earlier this year, so long it feels like centuries ago, she told me that she was bi. I always had suspicions seeing her reblog pictures of girls on tumblr all the time. I was the first person she ever told. She really loves me and I could tell she was crying because it was really hard for her to open up about it because she kept it hidden for so long.. I told her that's absolutely fine and comforted her and we agreed it doesn't matter because me and her are in love and will always be together.

 

Later on once in a blue moon the subject of her fantasizing about other girls quite often would surface. I didn't know how to feel about it. We'd have discussions every once in a while when she'd randomly start conversations seeming distressed, and telling me she was confused about things and confused about her life and whatnot. I'd always comfort her, because my life literally revolves around trying to make her happy it's my favorite thing.

 

Eventually she posed the question: How would I feel about her experimenting with other girls? We had more long discussions and eventually I got to the point of wondering if she wasn't bi, but a lesbian and not even that attracted to me whatsoever. The one week we were together was amazing and she was extremely turned on whenever we were together, that much I know as a fact. But I asked her generally how much more iis she into girls than guys? And she put the ratio around probably 95% girls and 5% guys.

 

At first I was torn. On one hand, being a guy, the thought briefly appealed to me. Lesbians are extremely, extremely hot. One time we even talked about a threesome and how she's fantasized about trying one. But the more I've thought about it and the more questions I've slowly asked her over time the more the thought just makes me sick to my stomach. I asked her if she'd be dating girls instead if me and her weren't together and she said probably yeah.

 

I asked her if she's just curious about sex with them or actually being in relationships with them and she said both, and she seemed to be saying she doesn't really think about sex that much, and she's curious about the relationship part. I took this as her basically telling me she can't stop thinking about dating other people. My self confidence has evaporated. I had been as perfect to her as I possibly could and yet I still felt now like no matter what I'll never be good enough for her because I don't have boobs or a vagina. She tried to dismiss these feelings and say I am good enough for her and I'm perfect and she's sorry for bringing it up and felt terrible.

 

And then she brought it up again, just last night, weeks and weeks later. Things are really, really strained at the moment. I've barely slept. She said, "Forget about what makes me happy, do you want me to experiment or not?" I told her I can't forget about that, it's all that matters to me. I only want you to experiment if you feel it's absolutely necessary and the right thing to do, and if you feel like you need to and it'll make you happy. (I won't post the entire convo because it's far too long, I'm summing up.)

 

It ended with her telling me I've been perfect to her always and she's sorry for ****ing things up.

 

I want so badly for her to experiment so she'll be happy and maybe get over it and be done thinking about it.

 

But on the other hand, the mere thought of someone else flirting with her, making out with her, having sex with her, cuddling with her, and hanging out with and talking to her all the time more than me until she decides she likes girls more and dumps me is just tearing me apart.

 

If you've read everything this far up to this point, I seriously thank you, whoever you are. If there's anything you can offer me to help me make the right choice and know what right or wrong is, please do your best to help me. I will be soo grateful to you. This is the first time I've ever really had a problem deciding what's right and what's wrong. I have no idea. I've googled it and researched it for hours. An equal number of people say no, it's cheating, don't let her do it, and it's selfish, and you should be good enough for her and others say yes, yes let her do it, you have no right to be controlling of her and she should be allowed to.

 

I am completely lost. Please help thank you.

[Keenly]

If it was purely sexual, maybe I could understand.

 

 

But an exclusive relationship is just that, exclusive. Its still cheating, even if its a girl.

 

As an example, ask her if she would be okay with you pursuing your interests of other girls. Because its literally the same thing.

 

 

If she wanted to bring another girl into the bedroom, I could see a much more fun experience for you (assuming that didn't make her want to be with that woman again) but she basically wants to go be some one elses girlfriend. You can not allow that.

[Maleficent]

Well, she is basically asking for you 'permission' to cheat on you with another woman.

I don't see how it is any different from her saying she would like to sleep with another man so I think you have every right to be uncomfortable with this.

 

From there, you two need to sit together and talk it over.

[Thomsons]

Well I told her it wouldn't be cheating if I gave her permission. She's never done anything with a girl before and she told me she's just really curious. If it was purely sexual curiosity I honestly kinda would feel better about it. It's the fact that she said relationships with other girls too that really got to me. I asked her how would she feel if I told her I wanted to experiment with other girls? She said she'd just want me to do what made me happy but then she said she said she'd get really really jealous and the jealousy would probably kill her. It's just that I know as a fact she's already fantasized about dating and having sex with other girls in her head. Probably loads of times. I just don't see what actually acting out any of it would do to help

[Keenly]

You can rationalize it any which way you want.

[Maleficent]

Well I told her it wouldn't be cheating if I gave her permission. She's never done anything with a girl before and she told me she's just really curious. If it was purely sexual curiosity I honestly kinda would feel better about it. It's the fact that she said relationships with other girls too that really got to me. I asked her how would she feel if I told her I wanted to experiment with other girls? She said she'd just want me to do what made me happy but then she said she said she'd get really really jealous and the jealousy would probably kill her. It's just that I know as a fact she's already fantasized about dating and having sex with other girls in her head. Probably loads of times. I just don't see what actually acting out any of it would do to help

 

So basically, she wants to be poly.

 

Thing is, since you two are in a relationship, both of you can't get everything you want especially if it makes the other uncomfortable.

 

Best thing I can suggest is to try and find a middle ground. For example, she could 'experiment' with another woman and you could participate.

or you get to watch

or whatever other option would make you more comfortable with the idea of her sleeping with someone else.

[Misfortune]

Same sex or not, it's cheating unless you have an open relationship. You have 3 choices:

-End the relationship and let her explore things by herself.

-tell her you're ok with her experimenting(being with someone else) and hope she doesn't leave you for one of her experiments.

-Tell her no and wait until she bursts from not being able to control her urges anymore. End of relationship.

 

She's probably seeing new territory that she wants to conquer when she looks at girls. This is something that is inevitable since it's so new. Either she'll cheat or the relationship will end due to the tension.

[MrCastle]

Yeah, middle ground here seems to be sex only. She can bring a girl into bed with you guys, where either you watch or participate, but that's it.

 

A relationship whether it's with a man or a woman is still a relationship, and if you want this girl exclusively, that can't be.

Edited September 13, 2013 by MrCastle

[JOYTOME]

If the tables were turned ie you were a woman with a bi-sexual boyfriend who wanted to experiment, what would your advice to the woman be? I imagine most people would say "run!!". I think you should apply the same advice here. she is asking permission to cheat on you with a gender she's typically more attracted to. if you desire a committed relationship with a woman who is committed to you in every way, I think you should consider looking else where. im so sorry *hugs* but I think this relationship will end in tears if you continue with it. you will be plagued with insecurity and requests to cheat. is it really worth it?

[Thomsons]

Thank you to all you guys so far for your responses. *hugs Joytome* This girl is my entire world I can't imagine life without her.

 

Maybe it's the fact that I've only actually been with her in person for a week out of our entire relationship (we're in a LDR) It was the best week of my life. We both cried out eyes out at the airport and the day before I left. It's just when I think about other people having sex with my girlfriend whom I love more than anything in the world and I've barely even had sex with her myself, I get reeeeeeally really overprotective and jealous. I just think to myself and can't understand why she keeps bringing it up. Why is it so important to her that she wants to experiment with girls? I know as a fact she's already watched lesbian porn in the past and probably fantasizes about it a lot and the thought really appeals to her. Why is it so important? Why can't she just be friends with other girls and leave it at that? If there's any girls on this forum who can offer some advice on this as well I'd really appreciate it.

Edited September 13, 2013 by Thomsons

[clia]

How old are you guys?

 

You've spent one week together in a three year relationship.

 

I mean, no wonder she's curious about relationships. All she's had is a virtual one for the past three years.

 

Do you have any plans to be together in person anytime soon, either for a visit or for the long term?

[Thomsons]

I'm 21 and she's 18. We were both too in love with each other to resist. I knew it'd be tough because she lives about 700 miles away from me. I knew it'd be painful. But I had to. I couldn't see me being with anybody else when me and her literally got along better than anybody else and were obsessed with one another and have been from the start. I never saw the bi thing coming though. We want to be together every second of every day but we're both in college and if anything I'd have to wait til around New Years to be able to see her again if I'm lucky

[JamesM]

I'm really in trouble here, loveshack forum goers... I'm new here and I have no idea who any of you are but I'm really desperate for help here. I'll try to keep it brief but I feel obligated to at least provide a little background. I normally never do this. This is my first time in a relationship that I've felt so lost, desperate and confused that I've resorted to joining a random internet forum for opinions and answers.

 

You did not join some "random internet forum." You joined Love Shack.

 

Opinions given are mostly good and helpful.

 

I've been dating this girl for well over 3 years and we were even best friends before we "officially" started the relationship. Our relationship is long distance. We've only met in person once for a week.

 

So you know the person who is presented to you online or on the phone, but you truthfully do not know the real person. As well as some posters know me on here, knowing me in person would be different. Maybe not better or worse but different.

 

It's been virtually fight-free

 

If I could bring some humor into this, this struck me. An online relationship "virtually" fight free.

 

Seriously, that is good.

 

Later on once in a blue moon the subject of her fantasizing about other girls quite often would surface. I didn't know how to feel about it. We'd have discussions every once in a while when she'd randomly start conversations seeming distressed, and telling me she was confused about things and confused about her life and whatnot. I'd always comfort her, because my life literally revolves around trying to make her happy it's my favorite thing.

 

She was letting you know gently that she wanted to date women, but you ignored her, yes?

 

Eventually she posed the question: How would I feel about her experimenting with other girls?

 

If she had asked if you minded if she dated other men, then you would have left her. But for some reason, we men fantasize about lesbians and don't consider it the same. I see that you did begin to doubt it was a good idea. And I would agree especially since she would be with them in real life and you not.

 

And she put the ratio around probably 95% girls and 5% guys.

 

She prefers women at this point.

 

I asked her if she'd be dating girls instead if me and her weren't together and she said probably yeah.

 

Does she have someone in mind already?

 

I asked her if she's just curious about sex with them or actually being in relationships with them and she said both, and she seemed to be saying she doesn't really think about sex that much, and she's curious about the relationship part.

 

If you love her, then let her go. Up until this point, I would say that letting her experiment with lesbian sex is somewhat okay. But if she develops a relationship, then you will be second or this other person will be second. Either way, your relationship will no longer be exclusive.

 

My self confidence has evaporated. I had been as perfect to her as I possibly could and yet I still felt now like no matter what I'll never be good enough for her because I don't have boobs or a vagina. She tried to dismiss these feelings and say I am good enough for her and I'm perfect and she's sorry for bringing it up and felt terrible.

 

This is not about you or how you have treated her. You have not somehow made her into a lesbian. She brought it up because it is a big deal to her. In order for you to move on and regain your confidence, you need to decide: if making her happy means letting her go, then am I not better off letting her go? If keeping her is what I want yet it is not making me or her happy no matter what I do, then isn't it better to let her go? Am I more sad, depressed with her or without her?

 

Besides, if you let her go and she comes back, then both of you will be much much happier. If you hang onto her and neither of you is happy, then why are you hanging on?

 

If you've read everything this far up to this point, I seriously thank you, whoever you are. If there's anything you can offer me to help me make the right choice and know what right or wrong is, please do your best to help me. I will be soo grateful to you. This is the first time I've ever really had a problem deciding what's right and what's wrong. I have no idea. I've googled it and researched it for hours. An equal number of people say no, it's cheating, don't let her do it, and it's selfish, and you should be good enough for her and others say yes, yes let her do it, you have no right to be controlling of her and she should be allowed to.

 

You are welcome. Honestly, you will need to decide. If it helps pretend that I am asking you. As objectively as possible, what would be your answer? Would you tell me to let her have lesbian sex? Would you tell me to let her go? Would you tell me to hang on and "force" her to be committed many miles away?

 

Here is my opinion to you once again: let her go. If she loves you after "experimenting," then you will have gained her love and commitment while letting her satisfy herself that you are more important than someone else. If you let her go and she decides that she prefers a female relationship, then you both will be happier in the long run even though you will have some painful weeks ahead. If you hang on to her and she still wonders and you still wonder if you are enough, then neither of you will be happy, yet both of you will be fearful of dealing with the elephant in the room.

 

I am completely lost. Please help thank you.

 

Actually, you are not as lost as you think. I read that you know the choices you have. You just haven't decided which way to go. Your mind tells you one way, and your heart wants you to go the other.

 

Again, you are welcome. As you know, we can only present the options. You still must make the decision.

[Misfortune]

Yeah, middle ground here seems to be sex only. She can bring a girl into bed with you guys, where either you watch or participate, but that's it.

 

A relationship whether it's with a man or a woman is still a relationship, and if you want this girl exclusively, that can't be.

 

If only real life was like porn and stuff that's portrayed in the media. There's usually no middle ground with these things when it comes to relationships.

[Thomsons]

Thanks James. You're right, in the end it's my decision and mine alone and no matter what anybody else says I have to make it and go with what I think is best.

 

Truthfully, though, I do know the real person she is. We've webcammed and played video games together and talked on the phone and had deep-heartfelt discussions with one another for thousands of hours literally every single day for years and years through messages and she says I know her better than anybody else in the entire world. So I disagree when you suggest that I do not know the real her, but I understand where you are coming from.

 

I must also disagree that I "ignored" her. I simply said I was okay with the fact that she's attracted to girls and accepting of it. She says she still wants to date me and be with me no matter what even if she were to experiment and I believe her.

 

I'm fairly certain I don't think she has anyone particular in mind, though I haven't asked her. She's very shy.

 

Anyway, what if I were to tell her the following, which I am seriously thinking about doing: It's okay for you to experiment with girls as long as you tell me all about it and who you are and what you're doing and when. Maybe I'll be more comfortable with it if you tell me all about it just so I can know, y'know?

 

^I'm considering that option over breaking up with her and seeing if she'll come back to me. I just couldn't handle the idea of "breaking up" with her. I'm a strong person, but she just means too much to me.

[JamesM]

Truthfully, though, I do know the real person she is. So I disagree when you suggest that I do not know the real her, but I understand where you are coming from.

 

You probably know her as well as you can at this stage.

 

I must also disagree that I "ignored" her. I simply said I was okay with the fact that she's attracted to girls and accepting of it.

 

Ignore isn't exactly what I should have said. If I read correctly and I may have not, then I got that she told you what she was feeling and (as I would have) you kind of hoped these were temporary feelings instead of taking them as very serious. I know I would have so perhaps I am projecting.

 

Anyway, what if I were to tell her the following, which I am seriously thinking about doing: It's okay for you to experiment with girls as long as you tell me all about it and who you are and what you're doing and when. Maybe I'll be more comfortable with it if you tell me all about it just so I can know, y'know?

 

That is definitely an option. And if you both are okay, then it may be an option that will work. It also may simply be putting off into the future what could be dealt with today. I can see choosing this option. In this case, you risk being part of a three-way relationship. There will be two people in her life who mean alot. You may be first or second.

 

^I'm considering that option over breaking up with her and seeing if she'll come back to me. I just couldn't handle the idea of "breaking up" with her. I'm a strong person, but she just means too much to me.

 

This would be a difficult choice. It may be the necessary choice. But you know you and her. None of us do. If it were I, then I can see choosing either one.

[TaraMaiden]

Read this and weep.

 

You guys are simply not going to survive this in the long run.

 

Do not - REPEAT: Do NOT - make someone so much of a priority in your life that they become your 'entire world' and you can't imagine life without them.

 

Start imagining.

 

You're both too young to think about committing to one another for the long haul.

It's just not feasible.

Long-distance? only one week together? Oh, honey...... please!

 

You place too much responsibility on her shoulders and rely too much on her to create your reason for living.

And she's putting an equal, unnecessary and completely unreasonable burden on you.

And questionable sexuality is simply something neither of you should have to wrestle with right now.

 

Honestly, ease back, and give each other space to explore, expand, breathe and live a little.

 

Too much, too soon.

 

Carry on with the same intensity and excess emotional input as you are doing now, and I swear as I live and breathe, it will all end in tears.

[Thomsons]

Thank you, James. And thank you all you random strangers that took time out of your day to give another complete stranger honest advice. I have made my decision. For better or for worse, we'll see. Only time can tell. I'm going to go talk to her about it and see what she says. Thanks again

[JamesM]

One more question: how old are you? How old is she?

[TaraMaiden]

One more question: how old are you? How old is she?

 

He already told us that.

 

hence my rather pessimistic, yet accurate response to him.

 

I'm 21 and she's 18. We were both too in love with each other to resist. I knew it'd be tough because she lives about 700 miles away from me. I knew it'd be painful. But I had to. I couldn't see me being with anybody else when me and her literally got along better than anybody else and were obsessed with one another and have been from the start. I never saw the bi thing coming though. We want to be together every second of every day but we're both in college and if anything I'd have to wait til around New Years to be able to see her again if I'm lucky

 

Talk about puppy love/rose-tinted spec's.....

 

It saddens me actually.

no kid should have to deal with this kind of crap in their first major relationship.

 

It's just too much drama and hard work.

Life should be fun, not ridden with angst!

[crederer]

Dude, she's 95% into girls and 5% into guys. That means you're right the hell up there in the 5%.

 

Also, if she wants to experiment with women just make sure you're part of it. There. Problem solved. You're living the fantasy.