grover11 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Here is my problem......... Married 23 years (was separated for 2 1/2 and reconciled about 6 years ago). This is my second marriage and I had a daughter from the first which I had sole custody of. I also had a daughter from a relationship between the 2 wives that created another daughter. I chose not to be in the second daughters life but thats a story for another time. My current wife accepted my older daughter as her own but their relationship really went south when my daughter became a rebellious teen, she broke into our house and stole alot of stuff and that was the last straw. I was pretty po'd about the breakin but over time I realized she is my daughter and I wanted her in my life. My wife told me the old "I don't love you anymore" line a little while later and I left for the 2 1/2 years. We did reconcile and things were good, my wife forgave and welcomed my daughter back into the family. Things were going fine and we were looking forward to the next phase when the kids are gone and we retire. (We have 2 boys together by the way) A little background on my wife........ She is the most insecure person I know, she always worries about what everyone thinks of her and if she makes any mistake she just freaks (has a very bad temper). For example a few years ago she was making turkey dinner for the family (her side) and something went wrong with the way the turkey turned out and she acted like it was the end of the world, she saw christmas as being ruined. For me it was not big deal, **** happens and we eat whatever there is. I mistakenly called her the name of the second daughter's mother one day very early in our relationship, it was not in any type of intimate setting. To this day she says i hurt her so deeply that she will never forget it and any rememberence of it just makes her crazy (keep in mind this was 24 years ago). Anyway i always thought my second daughter would probably come looking for answers one day and I accepted that I would have to deal with it then and my wife was fully aware that this might happen. Well about 6 months ago it happened and the **** hitting the fan is an understatement. She told me she thought i was going to leave her for the girls mother (whom i had not spoken to in 24 years and had a bitter split with). She said her son's 17 and 20 would never accept her as a sister when they found out. I informed her that I had told them a couple years earlierand she flipped, I am sure I told her thay should be told and she told me to do it as it was my daughter. Anyway she basically won't accept my past and says its her future nightmare, i never held anything from her before we married so she knew before hand. She is going to councelling (has gone once anyway) but i tried to get her to go months ago and she said she could deal with it on her own. She couldn't. I told her i couldn't reject my daughter again and if she couldn't come to grip with it and welcome my daughter into my family i would go. She begged me to stay and thats where i am now. Any input would be appreciated.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Blended families are tough. And it sounds like yours is about to get re-blended. To me this calls for family counseling as there's something on everyone's plate. Make an appointment, take the kids (all of them ) and go. I'll bet your wife joins you... Mr. Lucky 1
Author grover11 Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 Blended families are tough. And it sounds like yours is about to get re-blended. To me this calls for family counseling as there's something on everyone's plate. Make an appointment, take the kids (all of them ) and go. I'll bet your wife joins you... Mr. Lucky Actually there is absolutly no problem with the kids. My older son from wife actually met the second daughter a few times before i ever met her in person. All 4 kids took me out for dinner for fathers day (the day before fathers day) . All 3 of the other kids have no issue with the new daughter whatsoever and fully support my wanting to have a relationship with her.
Author grover11 Posted September 21, 2013 Author Posted September 21, 2013 No Replies? I need some outside opinions please!
Yasuandio Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I like Mr. Lucky's idea. You don't have to think of it as therapy for the kids. It could be thought of family support for your wife. She could be hitting early menapause. It can start to happen in your 40's. And she has a perfection dimension to her personality - I get that. I have it too. On the turkey thing - not much u can do on Xmas, other than find a restaurant (waffle house, 24 hr. IHOP, or a fine dinning place) and run out and fetch enough turkey servings - or pay them off for a roasted one. That when Superman has to step in and save the day! You would be her hero! All you have to do in these emergencies in tell her you got it under control - leave the house, and handle. You cannot be expected to think straight when a perfectionist is "going off." Now, to the title of your thread, "I want to go."if you really want to go, and have your mind made up, then these suggestions are worthless. Sometimes, when people "want to go" they often have a place to go to. Failure stats are high in 2nd marriages, I would imagine children only complicate matters in a blended family. Can you tell us what YOU want? Do you want a divorce? Is that a done deal in your head? Is what you wrote the reasoning for the need of a divorce and why you "want to go?". Yas 1
Author grover11 Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 I guess ideally i would like to separate not divorce. I want to be able to connect with the new daughter the way i think i should without all the distractions and drama from my wife. The last thing i want is for my daughter to feel that i do not want her in my life, and not having her in my home may send that message.
Recommended Posts