Ending A Fading Friendship

[Waiting4TheSun]

I've always been sort of an awkward loner and introvert. I like my solitude and I'm okay with having few to no friends. I have my soon-to-be-husband, my family, and my dogs and that's quite enough for me. My life is quiet and I'm happy

 

I have one friend that I feel has always been kind of a thin relationship. We started hanging out about 7 years ago because she sent me a random message on myspace asking if I wanted to go out to a bar. At the time I was at the end of a bad breakup so I figured a night out would be good for me. We had a few mutual friends but I did think it was a little strange that she was asking to hang out. I found soon after that she had a bad falling out with a close friend of her's and I've always wondered if I was brought around to make that person feel jealous. We never really did anything together other than go out to bars, which during the first few years was more often than I'd like to admit, lol. We had mutual friends in bands that played out often and those first couple years were pretty fun.

 

Fast forward... Life has changed for both of us. She is married now and I am engaged. I've quit smoking and drinking (I was sick of the waste of money and feeling like crap all of the time). She's switched to drinking boxed wine at home and still smokes. I want kids, she's decided kids are revolting. She started running in a scary extreme kind of way (like fracturing a bone in her leg and still running against doctor orders). I tried to run with her but didn't match her endurance... she's since ignored me every time I ask to run with her. I don't ask anymore and thinking about it, that's when my views on our friendship started changing. She's started eating an extreme diet and is constantly changing her ideas about food with every new study that comes out. I just try to make healthy decision with my meals. I also don't totally trust her for she gossips quite a bit about everybody we know, I'm sure I'm not an exception.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm totally fine with people living their lives differently than me. Here's what I'm not happy with. When I do see her, I get lectured about how her diet is the way to eat. She always wants me to drink wine when I'm with her. I have no desire at all to drink any alcohol. I don't need it and don't like it. When I say that I don't drink anymore and I'll have a tea or something, her response is "Oh com'on, one isn't going to hurt you!". Honestly, I can't even tell you how that totally pisses me off. I've mentioned that my fiancé and I probably won't be doing a full blown wedding because we'd rather put the money into fixing up our house and she tries to tell me I can't do that and we have to put on a wedding. Who's wedding is it?? She's a little pushy when people don't agree with her or go along with what she wants to do. Every time I decline something she suggests, it's "oh com'on!" and I'm so done with it. I should probably mention somewhere that we're in our mid-30's.

 

So, what's going on now... Her husband rejoined his old bandmates. Apparently she told him he wasn't allowed to make it an every weekend thing but it has turned into that anyway. He now practices often and is starting to travel out of town a lot. She's upset over that. Very soon he's traveling to Canada to play a show and she's livid over that one. She's always trying to get me to hang out with her whenever he's playing a show or gone and it's driving me up a wall. For the record, my fiancé is a professional musician and travels all the time without me and I'm absolutely fine with it. I trust him and quite frankly, I opt to miss most shows because I like my alone time, lol! It's just that she's getting very desperate and needy and I literally don't have time for it. I'm trying to build my new business which is like having 2 full time jobs. I have my hands full and have no interest in keeping her occupied while her husband is away because she's afraid to be alone (or whatever the problem is).

 

I do feel like a jerk saying all of this. I've been avoiding her calls for the last few weeks. When I do get on the phone with her it takes over an hour out of my day and I just sit there listening to all her problems. I feel bad that she's having a tough time accepting her husband's decision, but I really feel she needs to do some soul searching or something. I've been hoping to fade out of this relationship for a little while now. I didn't even hear much from her until the business with the husband's band popped up. I feel we are really different people now with hardly anything in common. It feels like there's nothing to talk about when we are together. Everything that interests me is of no interest to her and the conversation quickly changes to something that interests her. I do care about her and hope nothing but the best for her, but I feel like we've outgrown each other in our own ways. We both have new and different priorities. I just know she's sensitive and will dramatize this if I point it out. She doesn't "forgive" easily if she feels wronged. Eh, it's all just way too intense for me.

 

Sorry for the long rant but I really needed to say it aloud. Up until now, this has all only been thoughts.

 

How have you dealt with a fading friendship? Have you ever been on the end that realizes there's really nothing left in your friendship? How did you deal with it?

[Grumpybutfun]

Friendships fade especially in your 30's when you are changing and growing into the more permanent you. Life is fluid and so are we as people -so to expect that we will keep the same friends forever isn't realistic. Most couples who are tied together with children and finances and extended family can't even keep it together so it is hubris to believe that friends who have little in common with can do so.

Fading out seems like a really good way to go with this one. Stop taking her calls or responding except by text or e-mail in a really generic way...you are really busy and you are always doing something else. If she gets pushy, it is fine to just tell her that you both have changed and you do not feel that you have much in common anymore. If she gets upset....that is her right. As a grown woman, you know that it isn't necessary to be liked if it takes away from your own well being.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

p.s. She sounds like a positive energy suck.

[CC12]

her response is "Oh com'on, one isn't going to hurt you!".

 

she tries to tell me I can't do that and we have to put on a wedding.

 

Every time I decline something she suggests, it's "oh com'on!"

 

I've been dealing with a person who does things like this. Just really pushy and won't take no for an answer. The only ways to deal with it that I've come up with are either just being really honest and blunt - "No, I don't want to do that" said in a lighthearted tone, or total silence if that doesn't work. I no longer try to explain or defend why I don't want to do something. To be honest, in my case, it hasn't really stopped them from being pushy, but I'm much less stressed about my interactions with them now.

 

Have you ever been on the end that realizes there's really nothing left in your friendship?

 

I have (with a different person than the one I wrote about above,) and I dealt with it by almost never taking their calls and I don't really see them anymore. I felt badly doing it that way instead of just telling them the honest reasons I didn't want to hang out anymore, but this person never really did anything wrong, I just...didn't like their personality. How would you tell someone that without hurting their feelings unnecessarily? I really think they're better off not knowing that I think their personality sucks. Why should my judgmental opinion matter to them?

 

Anyway, like the previous poster said, friendships fade. If you want to let this one fade or even come to a halt, that's really okay.

[todreaminblue]

i think you get to a point in yourself where you know the person is not a real friend to you, you feel it and I think you are feeling that.To me when you find a friend that makes you feel less than you are,that judges what you all day or makes you feel like utter crap instead of putting a smile on your face,and has no redeeming qualities that make you want to talk to them,or listen to them or hear what they have to say when they open their mouth you dont fade them out, you just say goodbye, quick clean.....done...good luck good bye

 

 

 

your friend will probably be a little hurt.......most people who have a heart would be hurt.

 

 

then you have those types that wont care at all adn just go on theri merry way, because they werent a real friend in the first place it actually hurts to do this to someone, its not easy to do i have only done this twice in my whole life..

 

 

but it is better to be quick and clean when you kill something than drag it out so the person suffers more with confusion and the unknown..i have friends that annoy the crap out of me..and i annoy the crap out of them...i am not easy either...but....they have some really special qualities as i do ....and we mesh for those qualities..not our faults...they are there through my worse times and i will always be there for them....let her go....make a clean quick break if that is what you want.....deb

[Teknoe]

Fading friendships are tough especially when one party tries to cling on, and doesn't get that your silence/constant rejections mean that you have moved on. I had to deal with this recently, and it was tough, but as time went on, things got easier to separate myself.

 

I used to say "Sorry but ____ (sometimes legit, sometimes a white lie). Have fun!" This often led to "OH but how about _______" from them. Then I went the direct route of "I can't make it." No excuse or lie or reason. This did bring down their rebuttals.

 

Recently, the one person in the group who was contacting me most contacted me privately. She asked me basically if I could hang out with the group on Sunday. I told her straight up "I don't have the bandwidth I used to."

 

She seemed to get the hint FINALLY as she replied "Figured. Hope u r well :)"

 

It was sweet and classy on her end, and I hope this is it. She's not a bad person, but I don't feel the connection anymore, and always felt like she harbored a crush on me, which is awkward, because I don't find her attractive whatsoever and she is also 11 years my senior.

 

Anyway, navigating fading friendships can be tricky, as unlike romantic relationships there is often no clear cut "we're done" talk or the like. The calls, texts, emails and such just stop slowly but surely. And people move on. Sometimes you do feel a bit guilty, but ultimately it's your life and you shouldn't hang out with anyone out of a sense of obligation.

[whichwayisup]

Do the hint thing and slowly back off as you've been doing, not returning phone calls and when she asks to get together, say no you have family stuff on the go. Eventually she'll get hint and hopefully stop pestering you. If she asks what is up, be honest. That you two are in two different places in life and you just don't have the time or energy to put the same effort into the friendship.

 

No point in hurting her feelings anymore than you have to, even though she sounds like a real prize (sarcastic) to hang out with!

 

You two have grown apart, she complains and is nit picky with you, butting into your life, crossing the lines with her comments and trying to get you to drink when you've said no.

[jacksonvillae]

The rules are simple, friends are friends for life. I have had friendships that go toxic and so I spend little time with them. But once I consider someone to be a friend they are always my friend. They call up needed help I will help them.