I need the words to make her see she needs to leave him, even if it isnt for me...

[maverick33313068]

This is a very complicated story so I will try and keep it short. I met this beautiful smart talented caring woman she's a country girl which is also amazing but has had a lot of trauma in her life like she can't have anymore children has celiac disease which is a gluten intolerence and was sexually abused as a child. But despite all of this she is one compassionate strong wonderful mother,and,a great person.I met her through my roomates girlfriend, they go to school together. She thought I was cute but was shy to tell me so my roomates girlfriend hooked us up. I found out she was on a,break or breaking up with her fiance of 1 year because he was cheating on her for 6 months untill the woman told her,amber, that he asked her to marry him and she rejected him, so amber is pissed but they just got a huge farm house and she has two kids, one with autism, and she has no job at the moment she's going to,school to,be an lpn and she's a straight A student. So her fiance mike works in a steel mill and has money and is good with the kids, but when me and amber met we were inseparable. We had sex constantly and always kissed and geld each other, not that tear your face off lustful kissing but that beautiful soft delicate kiss where you swear your heartbeas are one. She one day told me she couldn't leave mike because she would have no one to help with the kids and paty bills, I don't make enough at my,job and I'm currently in school for cnc machining, so I can't fill his shoes. So she said shed wait till she was out of school to make a descion on us and I agreed she needed to focus on,her studying but now she told him she slept with me and came clean because she didn't want him to find out and accuse her of what he was doing even though his was way worse, he used amber as a backup in case that woman be was with didn't want him so he made,her second and in my eyes amber deserves to,be number one she's way too much of a great woman to be somebody's backup option and I told ver that and she told me she loves,being with me because I make her feel better she wants to be with me I can feel it but she's torn, she's known mike for 8 years and she's dated for 1 but lately sice she told h she has been being stalked by him everywhere at school when she goes out to the library when she studys when she goes out to kareoke and dance he calls her and goes to every bar and I mean every bar to find her and see what she's doing and who she's with he reminds me of me...i was with my daughters mom for 5 years and she cheated on me and I forgave her but I couldn't trust her and I did the same thing mike did and it ended in disaster....she left me for anotheran that she was sleeping with and married him, it destroyed me and now I see her following in my footsteps but I need the words to punch through her walls and wake her up from this poisoned dream. I know she's tryng to do what's best for her kids but I would do anything for her and I'm great with kids, but because of mike I can't see her and I barely talk,to,her and I can't talk to her on weekends because he's he and follows her and tries to,get ther phone, she said she wanted to leave them and her and mike can stay friends and he can,stay and help her untill,schools over but he said he'd leave and abandon her if she left him so she's stuck....please I love this wan and I want to save her but I don't know how....

[MidwestUSA]

Well, I couldn't tackle your wall of text, but, just from the title

 

There's nothing you can do. Don't interfere. It's something she needs to learn on her own, even if it means hitting rock bottom. Meanwhile, continue as a friend who cares about her. Make yourself scarce tho, if watching her gets too painful.

 

 

Best of luck!

[nescafe1982]

That was difficult to read; try paragraphs to help us help you. But I got the gist.

 

The thing is (and this sucks to say) is that you cannot save a woman from a bad situation if she doesn't want to cooperate. Really, you cannot (and should not) "save" a woman at all. If a woman is going to leave a bad relationship, it has to be a decision she comes to. It has to be her decision. If you try to make that decision for her, chances are she will either a) cling to the toxic relationship even more or b) find another man who will create the same relationship pattern.

 

She needs to look at herself, her own goals, and find the personal power to leave him. But SHE has to do this.

 

As her friend, you can support her and let her know that when/if she wants to make a change, you are there every step of the way. When you tell her this, it might not seem to "take" and she might not make the change for a long time... but trust me, if she knows she's loved and supported regardless of what her decision is, she will think about it.

 

But there's not much you can do besides make sure she knows you'll support whatever decision she makes, and be her friend. She's not available to you or anyone else while she's going through something like this. If there is abuse involved, make sure she knows that when SHE leaves him, she has someone to call for help.

 

But SHE must leave. We can't save people who aren't ready to be helped.