Betterthanthis13 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) This might be a weird question. It seems like there is a negative association to the phrase "rewriting history" But I got my history wrong in the first place---so.. Shouldn't I be rewriting it to more accurately reflect what was really going on? I get that "rewriting history" for justification purposes and to continue living in denial is not healthy or positive. But some of us have to rewrite history to maintain our sanity, learn, grow, etc... Is that wrong thinking? Am I just in self preservation mode and excessively villanizing a person (xbf) who might not deserve 100% of my ire? Is it detrimental to ME to be doing this? To the people who have to deal with me on a daily basis? (People unrelated to my personal drama) Either way, no matter what the answer, I won't invite him back into my life. I am past that. (passed... ? No. "I have passed that". Just checking, that was for CD) Okay, possibly a nonsensical post, sorry. Someday I will learn how to ask questions that make sense Edited September 13, 2013 by Betterthanthis13 1
Zenstudent Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 This might be a weird question. ... Okay, possibly a nonsensical post, sorry. Someday I will learn how to ask questions that make sense It makes perfect sense to me. I had a hard time understanding what hit me when I discovered her LTA. How could she do this to me, how could she suddenly turn into a she devil overnight? Well, it turned out it wasn't "suddenly" because she further admitted having a drunk ONS 20 years ago. A year after d-day I realized I was depressed, my mind and brain was over-heated and I went to see a psychologist to get help and move on. One of the topics was how I was supposed to ever trust her again since she had changed to be a non-trustworthy person. He did something that I'll never forget. He reframed my view at our life together, just by asking "How do you think she has been able to live with you, marry you and have kids, while knowing she had been unfaithfull and keeping it a secret for 20 years... - do you still believe she suddenly changed from being the faithfull and loyal wife??" At that moment, I realized that I live with a woman I don't know, that she has been like this all the time, but that I just didn't see it. I have opened my eyes now, so I also have to rewrite the last 28 years of my life to accept the fact that she's "flawed", selfish, entitled and capable of doing things I never imagined. I'm happy doing this, because I live in the real world now and not some constructed fantasy. That's untill the next unexpected thing hits me anyway... 1
whatatangledweb Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I don't think you are rewriting history. It seems more as though you are finally seeing who he is. Now when you look back with fresh eyes you see he was always that way. For me writing history is when someone just lies about the past to justify their actions. Then they begin to believe that it actually happened that way. 2
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Thanks I sometimes just wonder if I overcorrect in my history revisions. I don't think I do, I'm usually more than willing to give people the benefit of the doubt so I can't really believe that I am rearranging things in my head to suit my own conclusions. I think I'm more likely to do the opposite-- revise my conclusions based on my optimistic view of people- I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but I want other people who might doubt me based on my mistakes to take a chance on me- so why shouldn't I do the same for others? It gets confusing The lesson is not to get into this situation again. Achieve balance and use good judgement. It's a struggle right now...
road Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 It makes perfect sense to me. I had a hard time understanding what hit me when I discovered her LTA. How could she do this to me, how could she suddenly turn into a she devil overnight? Well, it turned out it wasn't "suddenly" because she further admitted having a drunk ONS 20 years ago. A year after d-day I realized I was depressed, my mind and brain was over-heated and I went to see a psychologist to get help and move on. One of the topics was how I was supposed to ever trust her again since she had changed to be a non-trustworthy person. He did something that I'll never forget. He reframed my view at our life together, just by asking "How do you think she has been able to live with you, marry you and have kids, while knowing she had been unfaithfull and keeping it a secret for 20 years... - do you still believe she suddenly changed from being the faithfull and loyal wife??" At that moment, I realized that I live with a woman I don't know, that she has been like this all the time, but that I just didn't see it. I have opened my eyes now, so I also have to rewrite the last 28 years of my life to accept the fact that she's "flawed", selfish, entitled and capable of doing things I never imagined. I'm happy doing this, because I live in the real world now and not some constructed fantasy. That's untill the next unexpected thing hits me anyway... Rewriting history is the WS justifying their affair. They are writing fiction. You did not rewrite your history. You just learned the truth. 2
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 It makes perfect sense to me. I had a hard time understanding what hit me when I discovered her LTA. How could she do this to me, how could she suddenly turn into a she devil overnight? Well, it turned out it wasn't "suddenly" because she further admitted having a drunk ONS 20 years ago. A year after d-day I realized I was depressed, my mind and brain was over-heated and I went to see a psychologist to get help and move on. One of the topics was how I was supposed to ever trust her again since she had changed to be a non-trustworthy person. He did something that I'll never forget. He reframed my view at our life together, just by asking "How do you think she has been able to live with you, marry you and have kids, while knowing she had been unfaithfull and keeping it a secret for 20 years... - do you still believe she suddenly changed from being the faithfull and loyal wife??" At that moment, I realized that I live with a woman I don't know, that she has been like this all the time, but that I just didn't see it. I have opened my eyes now, so I also have to rewrite the last 28 years of my life to accept the fact that she's "flawed", selfish, entitled and capable of doing things I never imagined. I'm happy doing this, because I live in the real world now and not some constructed fantasy. That's untill the next unexpected thing hits me anyway... That's it---I'm trying to reconcile the fact that who I thought I knew was really someone else entirely the whole time. That is not easy--- it leads to so many questions. How much of it was that he was just a good actor, and how much of it was that I was in denial? Lying to myself? Overlooking things that should have given me reason to take action much earlier? Most days lately I just say to hell with it, it's over now and not worth my energy to get caught up with this train of thought because I will surely just drive myself insane trying to figure out things that I have absolutely no way of finding a definite conclusion. I'm trying to focus on more positive uses of my time... it just doesnt always work out the way I want it to
Zenstudent Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Zenstudent - Maybe she deeply regretted that experience. Maybe she enjoyed it in the moment but felt bad afterwards and carried the guilt. You could see that as act of sacrifice. I guess it's a question of whether you would have preferred to risk the relationship by hearing the truth, or whether you would have preferred to have never known and let her deal with it in her head. It was a betrayal and it tainted your relationship. But sometimes people are not perfect and regret their mistakes. I imagine she may have even forgotten about it over the years only to remember it during her LTA. Thanks for this MacBeth - I really appreciate the time you took to reflect on this. I'll try to keep my comment on topic I can't see it as a sacrifice - it's related to TT when the WS lies to "protect" the BS from the truth. In reality it's self preserving, protection of their own self because confessing the whole truth may trigger a not-so-nice reaction from the BS. Also they have an image to consider. If she truly felt bad, carried the guilt regretted her mist... eh... bad choice, why didn't this guilt and regret prevent her from making bad choice no. 2 (AFAIK) - the LTA?? My revision of our history suggest that she tasted it back then, fought it off for several years, and when the opportunity presented itself, she remembered that she got away with it the last time, so why not have some cake? She was she was flirty and vulnerable when she was young, she was vulnereable again 3 years ago - it's actually consistant and therefore not out of her character, which is why I think I need to rewrite my perception of our history together. To fill in the blanks that didn't make any sense to me, to fit with reality and keep me sane. Furthermore, this knowledge about her character makes it possible for me to protect myself from future failings, I'll not be totally destroyed like the last time because I'm prepared now, I'll be able to shake my head an move on on my own. If I didn't rewrite, I would be just as shocked the next time. Sorry BTT13 for the slight TJ, maybe it's about time I create my own thread
Zenstudent Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 That's it---I'm trying to reconcile the fact that who I thought I knew was really someone else entirely the whole time. That is not easy--- it leads to so many questions. How much of it was that he was just a good actor, and how much of it was that I was in denial? Lying to myself? Overlooking things that should have given me reason to take action much earlier? Most days lately I just say to hell with it, it's over now and not worth my energy to get caught up with this train of thought because I will surely just drive myself insane trying to figure out things that I have absolutely no way of finding a definite conclusion. I'm trying to focus on more positive uses of my time... it just doesnt always work out the way I want it to Sorry i sent you there - acceptance of what is, is important here. Would've, should've, could've doesn't get you anywhere. Don't blame yourself for not seeing it - there is nothing as easy as to deceive someone who trust, who want to trust and want to believe in someone, just ask a magician. Just focus on what you have learned from it - learning is a good thing, really.
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Thanks for this MacBeth - I really appreciate the time you took to reflect on this. I'll try to keep my comment on topic I can't see it as a sacrifice - it's related to TT when the WS lies to "protect" the BS from the truth. In reality it's self preserving, protection of their own self because confessing the whole truth may trigger a not-so-nice reaction from the BS. Also they have an image to consider. If she truly felt bad, carried the guilt regretted her mist... eh... bad choice, why didn't this guilt and regret prevent her from making bad choice no. 2 (AFAIK) - the LTA?? My revision of our history suggest that she tasted it back then, fought it off for several years, and when the opportunity presented itself, she remembered that she got away with it the last time, so why not have some cake? She was she was flirty and vulnerable when she was young, she was vulnereable again 3 years ago - it's actually consistant and therefore not out of her character, which is why I think I need to rewrite my perception of our history together. To fill in the blanks that didn't make any sense to me, to fit with reality and keep me sane. Furthermore, this knowledge about her character makes it possible for me to protect myself from future failings, I'll not be totally destroyed like the last time because I'm prepared now, I'll be able to shake my head an move on on my own. If I didn't rewrite, I would be just as shocked the next time. Sorry BTT13 for the slight TJ, maybe it's about time I create my own thread The part I bolded is something else I have thought about a lot the past few months... I think that my threshold for accepting and internalizing lies is very low, where other people are not as sensitive to them or affected by them as much. I need truth in order to be sane. I think that humans see things through different lenses, based on their past experiences and how they processed and perceived them, so finding 100 % absolute objective truth is impossible, if that makes any sense. Everyone sort of has their own truth. That's one of the reasons why someone choosing to live a double life as a cheater still boggles my mind to this day. Don't we all have a hard enough time trying to understand each other, even when we are all telling the truth the best we can? Maybe these types of things don't even occur to some people. T/J all you want, we can share the thread, I don't care. I wasn't looking for any specific advice here, just discussion, and that is happening so I am more that happy.
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Sorry i sent you there - acceptance of what is, is important here. Would've, should've, could've doesn't get you anywhere. Don't blame yourself for not seeing it -there is nothing as easy as to deceive someone who trust, who want to trust and want to believe in someone, just ask a magician. Just focus on what you have learned from it - learning is a good thing, really. Yes, If I was going to be a magician I would look for innocent trusting children to perform my magic show to. That makes sense. If I was going to be a cheater... I think I would have a much harder time decieving someone who trusted me completely, although getting away with it would be easier. I would think that the price to pay in my own mind would be so extraordinarily high.... I just couldn't do it. Maybe that's the point where WS starts rewriting history... that way its easier to get away with because they actually have a trusting BS, but since they are villanizing and rewriting history to justify their behavior, they don't have to suffer any self-inflicted mental consequences either. How very convenient..
Zenstudent Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Rewriting history is the WS justifying their affair. They are writing fiction. You did not rewrite your history. You just learned the truth. Well, it's not necessarily the whole truth yet, but it WAS my history at the time and now it's a different history. There has been written thousands of history book about the same event in history - the stories may be different because they are seen through different lenses and evaluated at different times.
ChooseTruth Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Thanks I sometimes just wonder if I overcorrect in my history revisions. I don't think I do, I'm usually more than willing to give people the benefit of the doubt so I can't really believe that I am rearranging things in my head to suit my own conclusions. I think I'm more likely to do the opposite-- revise my conclusions based on my optimistic view of people- I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but I want other people who might doubt me based on my mistakes to take a chance on me- so why shouldn't I do the same for others? It gets confusing The lesson is not to get into this situation again. Achieve balance and use good judgement. It's a struggle right now... I think there's a balance to all things. It's not black and white. But yeah....WSs rewrite history and BSs discover the truth or maybe that's the way things tend to lean. Case by case, some of both. Are there trends and patterns? Most definitely.
compulsivedancer Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Either way, no matter what the answer, I won't invite him back into my life. I am past that. (passed... ? No. "I have passed that". Just checking, that was for CD) ) Lol. No advice for you here. Can't figure this out for myself. People here tell me I can't think badly enough of OM!
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