So lost and heartbroken because of closeted bisexual boyfriend

[stillalskarhonom]

I need help im in a very dark place right now. And Im so sorry, this is incredibly long. Im just so confused and the few people who know about this are so worried about me, I have to let this out! Im sorry I sound as if im a middle schooler or something, with all the bad grammar and stuff, I just have so much to say and I need to say it before I forget! Please help me! Heres the thing:

 

It started in May, we were best friends and really close, and he knew i was gay but one day he just brought up the thought of doing stuff with each other (i didnt like him at this point), so i started to give him bj's in secret, because he was still unsure and ashamed and stuff. After the 2nd time, he felt too ashamed and said to never bring it up again (this made me feel like **** and this is when i started to cut), and he started talking to me less and less in favor of a new group of friends he made. This went on until mid June, when that group kinda fizzled out and he started to talk to me more. He still sometimes talked to me in that in between period, he said something like "I think im bi and i like you but im confused and im not 100% sure about anything" (also during this time, he was helping me deal with suicidal issues with me), it gave me hope but he acted like it never happened and everything was cool. Then at the end of June, he said he would like to go out with me and be boyfriends, which of course made me happy.

 

During our relationship we barely fought, the only things that happened where when I was mad at him because he tried so hard to act straight hed flirt with other girls and of course thatd make me mad, but hed always say "No I love you!" and when he said everytime he talked with people about girls "he liked", hes basically talking about me but using a girl as a cover. In the beginning of July he got cold feet, broke up with me saying he couldnt do it cause he likes girls more and stuff, but just *7* hours later begged for me back and because I still loved him, I took him back. Summer was great, as I said already. I loved him and he loved me. We had sex, and he was the bottom, he enjoyed giving me blowjobs, he enjoyed all the gay sex! I know he did! He wouldnt have done all those things if he didnt even love me. I thought this for sure made him secure in his bisexuality, because he would say how much he loved bottoming.

 

But then it all went downhill 1 1/2 weeks ago. We were texting normal. At 5:00 he told me "I love you and just think about how long we'll be together!" and at 5:45 he said "ok my dad saw our texts and i barely managed to convince him you were a girl but I cant do this anymore Im sorry." And thats all. He didnt give me any more explanation, and Im not the type of person to just settle with that. I went crazy, I facebook messaged him about 60 times, saying stuff like "i love you! dont leave me! i need you! why are you doing this to me? im sorry please dont do this!"....which ended up making the situation worse because his parents saw that too, and they made him call my schools psychologist (I felt so horrible that night, i really wanted to just kill myself. He had no idea how important he is to me).

 

So that whole night no response, so i texted him early the next morning to drive me to school and he did. I tried getting answers, and I tried convincing him that it didnt have to be this way, but he was so mad and (i know he is) scared, he actually said this: "I didnt actually love you, I only got with you because I was afraid you were gonna kill yourself and I didnt want to live with that for the rest of my life".......WTF? That pisses me off just remembering that. But i just started crying so hard when he said that, its so f**ked up isnt it? He acted so mean and cold to me that day. We got to school and Im still trying to say it didnt need to be this way. But then he wipes away my tears with his hand like he did when he loved me...i dont know why he did that. He told me that his parents banned me from ever being around him again (they probably think I gave him some "disease"), and he had to delete my number and unfriend me on facebook. He did all that, but he said he just changed my number to a different name. Why would he do that, does he expect that he can just talk to me? Anyways, in my first class period the vice principal pulls me out and brings me to his room to talk about the suicide thing and i just pour out everything to him and the psychologist. I came back to school for the last class, which I sat next to him in. He acted like nothing even affected him! Like he did not just break the heart of someone he said he loved! I walked with him out and told him what happened and he seemed so uncaring as if this wasnt even a big deal! I was so sad that night too. He drove me home (he said it was the last ride he could give me...).

 

The next day I again tried convincing him to take me back, saying how it could work and that I know hes scared. Oh! And I even asked him if he still liked me, and he said yes! He said the thing about only being with me to not kill myself was a lie, and that he actually did like me! I dont know what else hes hiding. Plus I dont know what I did to make him stop liking me in that 45 minutes? Is he just hiding his true feelings? Anyways, during our sports practice, I tried doing it again cause I really needed him back, he wasnt giving me any answers! It pissed me off how he can just break up with me, not give me answers, and expect me to be okay! He said wed never work, and that we werent a good match (but when I told him that he called us "A match made in heaven" about 3 weeks earlier, he got quiet and didnt know what to say)

 

I think this mightve been when he was driving me home that same day, or the next day I cant remember (Yeah I know, he said earlier that he wouldnt drive me home but he just waited by me in the locker room...) He tried to have a normal conversation as if nothing happened but i wasnt having any of that bs! I tried getting more answers from him, asking why we couldnt be together. This is when he got the most mad Ive ever seen him! He kept saying in his really fast angry voice "I know what youre gonna say! Youre gonna say that Im scared because my parents found out!" and later after I tried again, he said "No stop it stop telling me what I want! Youre telling me what I want! Ive always wanted a wife and kids!".....I dont know where he got that from, Ive NEVER talked about marriage or anything like that. Hes the one that started calling me future husband! Thats the closest to the subject weve become. Anyways, he dropped me off, the last thing I said to him was that hes worse than his ex-gf (this is a different story, she was a total b*tch to him, played him, made him feel like ****, ignored him, talked about other guys in front of him. They werent even dating techinically! It was a weird fling! Basically the **** he felt like was how I felt...how ironic)(And Ive said this to him twice before, both times it made him cry because he told me one "the worst thing you can do is compare me to her")...anyway, I called him that, and it looked like his face strained like he was holding back tears but i doubt it, even though his face was red and his eyes were big, he said "Well Im sorry you feel that way" and i just slammed the door and left.

 

Thats the last conversation I had with him, but it gets more complicated!

 

That night he texted me, saying "Ill give you rides, I just want things to be how they used to be before we started all of this. Its just awkward between us right now"

What does this mean? It sounds like hes trying to minimalize this whole thing and make it seem unimportant! As if we just had a disagreement instead of him just breaking my heart! Plus hes really willing to risk having his parents find out hes giving me rides? For what? A "friendship" that will never be the same?

 

30 minutes later he sent this: "Ok Ill tell you everything you were my best friend during Track, and then you liked me and i liked you too but i shoudlve never got with you. I never wanted a long term realtionship with a guy its just not worth it. I like girls too and its just not as costly and dont say anything to change my mind because you wont thats my decision and i want to live my life like that. I like girls more than I like guys, you are the only one Ive liked. It doesnt seem like it affected me because I knew it was going to end anyways. I just want the Track you back and be best friends with you again, but if you need time away to feel better then i understand."

This is not everything. Knowing him, this sounds like the same thing he said when he broke up with me a couple days into it in the beginning. First, hes the one who said 45 minutes before he broke my heart, that he would want to be with me for a while! He said "Dont worry! At worst we will just be best friends for life <3"! What is his deal? Hes scared isnt he? Scared of the homophobia from his family? He probably hates himself right? Heres what I dont get: Hes willing to be best friends with me, but not my boyfriend? The risks of his parents finding out hes hanging out with me again would be the same as if we were dating!!! We'd act like best friends in front of everyone else anyways, and when we were alone and over messaging we were together, what would be the difference? Why cant he see that instead of breaking my heart and my trust into a million peices?

 

I couldnt respond both times, but meanwhile during school, I hang out with no one (We had plans that itd be us two during lunch hanging out...) so I just sat by myself, while hes acting as if everythigns fine! Hes laughing and joking, HE EVEN ASKED A GIRL TO HOMECOMING! I knew he was gonna do that, because his dad was getting suspicious as to why he never went to a dance, but really? It was last friday (the day after the whole texting/ me calling him worse than his ex day), i was right there...I started crying when he hugged her and everyone called them cute...it broke my heart even more!

 

But what is he doing? The next day at our game, he said to me "Everyone look at his shirt! It looks like youre not wearing any shorts __! haha" as if nothing happened!! Why is he confusing me like this?? I didnt say anything. At the end of the game im just leaning against a wall by myself, because I literally have no one anymore. I know I look sad, but I have no energy to pretend to be happy. He comes up to me (im shirtless) and he says "You trynna show off your muscles? haha" and i just give him the look mixed with hurt/anger/sadness and he looks away, stands a few feet away from me leaning for a couple minutes, then leaves to act PERFECTLY NORMAL with another group.

 

The next morning, he texts me this: "I want you to know that i want you to feel better and if theres anything i can do for you let me know. If you are mad at me i wouldnt mind if i drove you home after practice and you yelled at me the whole time, or if you need to avoid me avoid me, or if yu want to just forget everything and be friends like we were before this happened then we can do that. Bottom line is, is that its not good for you sulk around. This is your senior year you should be having fun. The sooner you get over this, the sooner you can enjoy it and everyone around you will feel better too. I just wanted you to know im here for you and i hope you get over it as fast as possible." I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THAT:

1.) Why is he texting me? He broke up with ME! He shouldnt be risking texting me something like this, especially on a church day for him, just to say these things to me.

2.) Is this his attempt to try to keep me in his life? It sounds like he still needs and wants me in his life just as much as i need and want him, but hes doing it in an extremely condescending way as if hes still too afraid to show his true feelings.

3.) All of his suggestions basically involve him! Is that just more proof that he wants me to be with him still?

4.) "If" im mad??? Who does he think hes fooling? Of course im mad! Im pissed! This is just his sad attempt at trying ti minimize the damage!

5.) Who does he think he is telling me what is and isnt a good way to deal with emotions? Has he freaking checked himself lately?!

6.) HE **** broke up with me!!! Why is he trying to reach out to me! It makes me so confused it pisses me off!!!

 

That was now 4 1/2 days ago. Since then, ive gotten no texts. (Oh by the way, i dont know why, but the day after, he facebooked messaged me to not forget to do this one assignment. idk why? so random) No facebook messages. No sign of him ever wanting me back. Hes acting completely fine and normal, laughing, being his normal self. While I now sit in the bathroom stalls during lunch making sure no one can hear me crying. Everyone from the lower divisions to the head coach have noticed that i dont talk to everyone, that i sit to the side by myself looking down, trying not to cry. They all jsut think Im not getting sleep (Which is true! My sleeping has changed since the break up! I havent had a good sleep in a week and a half!). But idk, i think people are avoiding me too now..as if they think im too mad and no ones allowed to talk to me. I wouldnt talk, but it still hurts to see that! They all think my ex boyfriend is so great...hes being so mean and cold and selfish. Besides that, he has been doing small talk! Well he tries, hell make comments about me in passing, like trying to make a passing joke or saying how good i am at doing our sport, but thats all, I dont respond. 2 days ago we were in the locker room, only us 2, and he didnt say anything and he just left when he was done, I got no acknowledgement...

 

2 days ago, i wrote him a 7 page long letter explaing everything I feel towards him, and so many opinions about what he said ranging from him thinking that being with his ex "girlfriend" was better than being with me (based on his logic that being with girls would be better, hes never been with one really, those two never talked in real life, so how would he know? he forever has to live with the fact that he lost his virginity and kiss to a guy I know he LOVES), all the way to dealing with his homophobic parents and the whole marriage thing. Ive shown the few people who know and they said it was really insightful and i should send it.

 

But idk, Im afraid im so wrong about everything and that he really has moved on!

 

What do you all think? He admitted he still liked me a week ago, Ive never seen or talked to him enough to get him to hate me. I catch him glancing at me during practice! He looks away really quickly though!

 

Is he just scared to deal with his homophobic parents? Thats what I think. He loves me (and i still love him), but he cares about himself and saving himself more than being with the person he loves. He doesnt want to be disowned. Hes too afraid, that after that scared with his dad his parents will find out. But Im hoping that after he reads the 7 page long letter, he will think differently. hes also going to talk to a friend of mine whos *literally* going through the same thing he is, except she handled it better and didnt break up with her girlfriend.

 

Well, I think thats it....thanks for reading. I appreciate it so much! This has been making me so depressed. I have no energy anymore, I have no sex drive/ I dont get horny since it happened, I havent truly laughed since before the break up, Im just not myself! And it seems like only being with him will fix that! Well actually idk..... Honestly, its the *Way* he broke up with me that makes this so heartbreaking. Its not like we hated each other and knew it was going to end, this was so spontaneous and we both still love each other! Its devastating that we both love each other still but we cant see each other because hes *that* scared!

 

Im sorry this sounds like more of a rant than a plea for help. But its both! I really need help! Can you please tell me what you all think? I havent cut myself since the night of the break up, but I dont know how long it can last...hes ignoring me so much and acting as if nothing happened, its torture to me! Do you think he sjust taking his advice? Like he said hell let me avoid him, and he thinks hes helping me? If so, when do you think hell talk to me again? Hes proven to himself throughout the several months weve known each other, that hes really attached to me and that he needs me. I was his first best friend hes ever had, the first person he can tell all his secrets too. I was the first thing to make him cry since he was 8! 10 years without crying and I made him do it! Thats how much of an impact Ive had on his life. Please help me! Thanks!

 

PS- I dont want anything that has to do with how young we are, well find other people, our love wasnt real..just please dont ruin my already low self value even more. I know were young, this is both our first relationship, but its COMPLETELY unfair how it ended, and I want to fix that! And Im not the type of person to get with random people with LOVING them first, unlike most high schoolers who start drama and have like 10 partners...Im not into that. I wanted this relationship to last for years! But yeah please dont mention anything like that, thanks!

[Philosoraptor]

First let me say that no one in this world is worth hurting yourself for. He's not secure or comfortable in his own skin, and he's letting everyone and everything dictate his life for him. It was unfair how he let other people dictate how he treated you, but understand that he made that choice. He could have stood up for who he is but he didn't, and decided to treat you poorly.

 

You deserve to be treated better and sadly he's not going to be the one to do that for you. Right now you'd be best off to keep away from him as much as possible and work on finding things that make you happy. It takes awhile to move on, but with time you'll see life get much easier and much happier.