He loves me and it hurts?? Lies?

[rae_lana]

So things with me and AP started to get really kind of distant the last few months and I really noticed a change after a vacation me and my husband took with him and his wife.

We all had a great trip and our friendship as four seemed even better but his contact with me privately dropped a lot and when he did contact me it felt different. Like he was pulling away, which is his pattern before coming back on strong and I had gotten used to that.. But this seemed different and both of us seemed to know it. We had a brief conversation about how our feelings had developed into love and we needed to make a choice to be together or stay in our marriages and stop the affair but nothing really came of it.. we kind of pretended the conversation didn't happen and continued the friendship and living 'happily' with our spouses. Then he up and said they were leaving our area to move a few hours away and he was job hunting.. His wife was nervous but for it.. Came out of the blue and I was so heartbroken..

 

Faster than he had that plan it was out the window and not talked about again. He ignored my messages to him and if he did reply it was short.. He's never liked texting but this was different.. Ignoring.. That's worse that just short messages or a wait to reply which has never bothered me much.

 

Also.. During that time he would still send ME messages.. And if reply, sometimes it would lead to conversation. But if I messaged him he 90 percent of the time ignored it? And so I all but completely stopped.. Couldn't totally as again, as a group, things came up and I would.. Also I missed him and was probably trying to reach out a bit..

 

When we saw each other anywhere or in a group it was the same as its always been it was just almost as if he was pretending we weren't having an affair. Just trying to act, even with me.. Like it wasn't happening.

 

Then suddenly he came back on strong. Right as I had convinced myself it was done and we were just friends.

 

I jumped back in.

Then he all but ignored me for another two weeks! Just our personal relationship.. Not the 'real life' one.

 

Then he comes by tonight, and tells me he's in love with me. Has known it from very soon after we both agreed to start the affair but was in denial. He was pretty sure he was in love and getting too deep about a month before our vacation and when on the trip, he realized he had never felt this way about someone before. He said it was like waking up. (I heard "coming out of the fog"??) The affair had been separate before, like not in reality.. And now it was real and he had to back off or he was going to go crazy because he still doesn't want to confess or ruin our marriages.

 

He doesn't want to end the physical aspect just "cut back" "be way less risky" it's worth it but not, he says.

We can't text like we were. We have too keep that as friends except when we are totally alone. Keep in mind this is how 85 percent of "us" on our own without our spouses was phone before.

 

He's getting paranoid one of our spouses will check phone records. He said his wife knows he has a crush on me. But we have known that for months and he acts totally friendly but not flirty with me in a group setting! And lately he's been almost indifferent if she's around actually which hurts but I thought he was trying to hint he was over the affair.

 

His words "I haven't felt like this before and this is how you get caught. It gets too intense and you get caught. I love you and it's honestly hurting me"

He said its making him ill. Constant stomach pain going back and forth on whether to divorce, which is exactly what's been happening to me! He does g want us to end, just settle down??

 

How much is lies. How much could be the truth. Keep in mind I am a married OW he's a married OM and I know the people here often say what users married men are but women can be too.. He could be genuine about some feelings I think but I know he's cheated before and he will again.. It's a fact. I just don't know what to think.

 

We both agreed that even if we divorced we couldn't be together because it would kill his wife. My husband would hate me but move on, but she would probably be totally completely devastated.

Edited September 13, 2013 by rae_lana

[Red Wolverine]

I think he senses you're in crisis over the affair and he's trying to manage you.

 

It's still a whole lotta nothing. He's says he's in love with you yet wants to minimize contact. That's a direct contradiction that tells me he's trying to control you with words yet won't need to back it up with actions. I think he's afraid you might crack and tell your husband and/or his wife. Again, he's managing you.

 

I've said it before....Love doesn't hurt. This man is a brilliant manipulator.

[rae_lana]

I think he senses you're in crisis over the affair and he's trying to manage you.

 

It's still a whole lotta nothing. He's says he's in love with you yet wants to minimize contact. That's a direct contradiction that tells me he's trying to control you with words yet won't need to back it up with actions. I think he's afraid you might crack and tell your husband and/or his wife. Again, he's managing you.

 

I've said it before....Love doesn't hurt. This man is a brilliant manipulator.

 

I wouldn't in a million years confess to this.

I may have divorced or said I had an affair if their was evidence but I'd never just confess to sleeping with this guy. This specific guy... Every single person I know would be disgusted. I'd never confess, he had to know that. He does seem very paranoid.

I wonder if there is more too it. My gut says there is more too it.

 

Worse thing? About twenty minutes after he left she called and said she was coming over for a visit, we went for an hour walk, watched tv and ate popcorn and she left, she does NOT suspect me which I know people would think. I was nervous until it was obvious nothing had changed for her.

[2sunny]

I wouldn't in a million years confess to this.

I may have divorced or said I had an affair if their was evidence but I'd never just confess to sleeping with this guy. This specific guy... Every single person I know would be disgusted. I'd never confess, he had to know that. He does seem very paranoid.

I wonder if there is more too it. My gut says there is more too it.

 

Worse thing? About twenty minutes after he left she called and said she was coming over for a visit, we went for an hour walk, watched tv and ate popcorn and she left, she does NOT suspect me which I know people would think. I was nervous until it was obvious nothing had changed for her.

 

Seriously? You bang her husband then sit a short while later eating popcorn with her like you are her friend?

 

That is some sick dynamics on your part.

[rae_lana]

It's messed up. I care about her so much and up until the last few months in my mind the affair was separate and I didn't even really feel guilt. Now I can't stop feeling terrible about it. It spilled over from being separate into being real.

[rae_lana]

Seriously? You bang her husband then sit a short while later eating popcorn with her like you are her friend?

 

That is some sick dynamics on your part.

 

I did NOT have sex with him. We just talked. That was hard enough for me to deal with.

[Lillyfree]

i have to agree with sunny.

 

OP, you're a hot mess, and i'm not surprised as you seem to have a lot of plates up in the air. it's only a matter of time before everything just comes down crashing around you.

 

however i can't feel sorry for you in any way. i'm not even sure why you're still posting, you haven't taken anything said to you on board.

[rae_lana]

i have to agree with sunny.

 

OP, you're a hot mess, and i'm not surprised as you seem to have a lot of plates up in the air. it's only a matter of time before everything just comes down crashing around you.

 

however i can't feel sorry for you in any way. i'm not even sure why you're still posting, you haven't taken anything said to you on board.

 

Oh you have no idea.

When I first came here I thought I was going crazy because I didn't feel bad enough about this. I thought I was a sociopath for god sakes.

 

Reading here has made me really understand what I've done and am doing. I feel completely different about all this since coming here.

 

I haven't found strength to really tell him his I feel because I don't even know fit sure how I feel. Coming here has opened my eyes a lot though.

[2sunny]

I did NOT have sex with him. We just talked. That was hard enough for me to deal with.

 

The lies are the worst. Especially pretending to be her friend all the while helping to ruin her marriage.

 

Sex or no sex - you have no right infringing upon their M. And what you're doing to your H isn't right either. - but you know that - and you just keep doing it.

 

That means you don't intend to be a true friend. A true friend would/could be honest and and have authentic intentions about helping a friend by lifting them up - not participate in actions that tear down their personal lives.

[rae_lana]

The lies are the worst. Especially pretending to be her friend all the while helping to ruin her marriage.

 

Sex or no sex - you have no right infringing upon their M. And what you're doing to your H isn't right either. - but you know that - and you just keep doing it.

 

That means you don't intend to be a true friend. A true friend would/could be honest and and have authentic intentions about helping a friend by lifting them up - not participate in actions that tear down their personal lives.

 

Well I get that. It's terrible I feel awful and I get that's not enough I don't know what to do. I've never done anything like this before, I've never cheated before .. Never slept with someone a friend had a crush on let alone was married to. It's not like this is normal for me.

It's been almost a year. I feel like I lost who I was then and I lost a whole year!!

 

Anyway I asked what all could be lies, or if he could be genuine.

 

I already know what I'm doing is wrong. People have affairs all the time. I have had sex with this man once almost a year ago. He has had sex with her approximately 6 times in that time. And I hear that from her, not him. And she also tells me how much she does not want to do it. Im not just 'banging' her husband all the time.

Our relationship was very emotional not so much physical the majority of the time. There are all kinds of affairs going on every where.. Mines not ok.. It's worse because we all get together as friends I get that. But I'm a real person and believe it or not I'm not evil.

 

I'm sure some of my posts open wounds and I'm sorry.

 

I have nobody to talk to about this.

Edited September 13, 2013 by rae_lana

[Lillyfree]

nobody says you're evil. and it's good that you're able to get help from somewhere.

 

it's just frustrating watching you - if i had you before me i would grab your shoulders and shake you! people, myself included, might come across harsh and mean, but they do care. in fact, those who gave me similar treatment were the most helpful.

 

you realise you're in a mess. you realise you're doing the wrong thing. that's good, it's a start.

but you've done absolutely nothing to stop the A. you are your own worst enemy.

[2sunny]

Contrary action. Do opposite of what you want to do.

 

Become a new person - one that you'll be proud of.

 

Don't talk to him or be with him alone! Just the fact that he tells you his personal stuff about her is terrible! He's betraying her every time he tells YOU about her - to you. Stop allowing it!

 

IF you intend to BE her friend - act like her friend - don't participate in betraying her!

[rae_lana]

I'm unsure if you are a troll or not.

 

You haven't had sex?

 

you said you have.

 

Which is it?

 

We have. Almost a year ago. We did not last night. We have had a physical relationship, but sex only once.

[KentuckyGent]

We have had a physical relationship, but sex only once.

 

 

I'm calling a big FALSE!! on that one. This is just weird. There's affairs and then there's an affair with your friend's spouse with whom you go on vacations with.

[imfine]

So what's your biggest issue here? The OM feeding you a steaming pile of bull or your husband asking if you are "in love" with him and wanting a family for your kids? You posted 2 pretty different concerns within a short period of time.

[rae_lana]

So what's your biggest issue here? The OM feeding you a steaming pile of bull or your husband asking if you are "in love" with him and wanting a family for your kids? You posted 2 pretty different concerns within a short period of time.

 

Those are all pretty big issues! Last night was a very crazy situation.

[imfine]

Forget the advice on saving your marriage. While being "so scared" about divorce and losing your H, you let the OM in to your house and stab his wife/your friend in the back all within a few hours. Un.Be.Lievable.

[bentleychic]

I admit, even as an OW, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around you posting two subjects so conflicting in nature. One basically wanting to save your marriage, the other mourning your OM's feelings/relationship. Time to $_&! or get off the pot, in both relationships. Don't keep your H hanging in a bad/broken relationship simply because you're afraid of how the divorce/custody may go and fgs end the A. It's the best thing for all four of you.

[2sunny]

YOU can only control what YOU do or do not do.

 

Stop being the OM confidante.

 

By even listening to his crap that comes out of his mouth - YOU are betraying his wife (your so called friend) AND your H by building the intimacy with him instead of your H

 

 

Do not have any communication with him outside of getting together as a group.

 

And even that - you should consider ending!

 

You are either honoring your M - as well as their M - or you are helping to ruin both marriages!

 

So far, you've helped to ruin both.

 

Are YOU willing to change that and cease all communication with him (the OM)?

[rae_lana]

I didn't tell him I was going to continue the affair. He came here last night because he knew I was home alone and he spilled all that out to me. He tried to kiss me and I hadn't said much till then and told him I had been really confused by how he was acting and I didn't know if saying he loves me meant be wanted a divorce. He said he would tell her right away that it was over if I would do the same and we could move back to his home town together. He has said that once before and I'm not going to lie, the thought of just running away with him seems like a dream but then it very quickly seems like a nightmare.

 

My kids love this guy and his wife. So much. My husband loves them I love his wife.. I love him.. Our family knows his entire family.. Lots of mutual friends.. Just a mess. But it all comes down to his wife and my kids for me. This would ruin her life, I couldn't even consider that. And I had a really broken home I just want my kids to have a civil family.. His family wouldn't be civil if I left.

He asked that we just calm down and keep the affair sexual and less emotional. I said I had no idea what I wanted but at the same time I hugged him and kissed him goodbye.

He left and about twenty minutes later his wife calls and says I'm coming to hang out! My first thought was this was it.. Because he had also acted super paranoid, saying he didn't know how well he was hiding feelings and saying "she's always known have a thing for you." And he's nervous about phone records and stuff. He just seemed off, he's usually very calm and collected.

 

She is very open like a book, I would know if she suspected him of cheating, I would be the first she told. She didn't bring him up at all except to say he was a grouch that day.

 

She stayed for over an hour and my husband came home a couple hours after that. A stupid fight was started.. No idea what it was about and he told me I am not in love with him and he knows it. I denied it, and he said one day you'll admit you never were but you stay because you think you owe the kids. today he was fine .. Nothing seemed different than normal.

 

I did not contact OM at all and he didn't contact me.

Edited September 14, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

I am not going to confess unless there is no other option. But I do want to keep my marriage and get back feelings for my husband and he has always refused counselling but I've already booked my first appointment for individual counselling so I'm hoping if he sees good change in me it could help..

I still don't plan to confess to this and I get I'll be told to 1000 more times but I would rather work towards forgetting it and just all being friends.

Obviously not close like we have been.

[rae_lana]

YOU can only control what YOU do or do not do.

 

Stop being the OM confidante.

 

By even listening to his crap that comes out of his mouth - YOU are betraying his wife (your so called friend) AND your H by building the intimacy with him instead of your H

 

 

Do not have any communication with him outside of getting together as a group.

 

And even that - you should consider ending!

 

You are either honoring your M - as well as their M - or you are helping to ruin both marriages!

 

So far, you've helped to ruin both.

 

Are YOU willing to change that and cease all communication with him (the OM)?

 

I think the whole time he's been 100 percent sure I would never confess and I think what he's said to me was to make me believe we were special and to make me think he would leave for me.. I don't understand why he did that to me. We are friends and I know it's not all fake. Why wouldn't he do this to some random girl he met or any of the other girls in town we both know would have went for him.. I just don't get why me. He's cheated several times, this was his first "repetitive relationship" his words... Meaning on going? So he says. So I feel like he must have known I'd end up hurting.. And we were all friends! I don't get why.

 

I know I did the same. I was so stupid. I thought it was special some how. A year ago I would have said you were crazy if you told me this would have happened

[whichwayisup]

You cannot have it both ways!

 

Either come clean and end your marriage, or end your marriage. OR Keep your marriage and END your affair with the MM. It's all a lie! You and MM are playing with fire and both of you are making TOTAL fools of your spouses.

 

Sooner or later your H or his W will figure out what has been going on right under their noses. You think you're feeling anxiety and stressed out now? Wait until the shi.t hits the fan.

 

DO counseling, really figure this out. If you don't, so many lives are going to be ruined for you and MM's selfishness. All for what? Obsessive lust/ego feeds/crush? Think about it.

[rae_lana]

You cannot have it both ways!

 

Either come clean and end your marriage, or end your marriage. OR Keep your marriage and END your affair with the MM. It's all a lie! You and MM are playing with fire and both of you are making TOTAL fools of your spouses.

 

Sooner or later your H or his W will figure out what has been going on right under their noses. You think you're feeling anxiety and stressed out now? Wait until the shi.t hits the fan.

 

DO counseling, really figure this out. If you don't, so many lives are going to be ruined for you and MM's selfishness. All for what? Obsessive lust/ego feeds/crush? Think about it.

 

I don't think there is anything for them to discover. Unless we confessed, this could just go away. Nobody knows about it. I can think of at least 40 people who would be drastically affected by the affair coming out. I'm not doing that. I'll just stop. I can do that.

[2sunny]

I think the whole time he's been 100 percent sure I would never confess and I think what he's said to me was to make me believe we were special and to make me think he would leave for me.. I don't understand why he did that to me. We are friends and I know it's not all fake. Why wouldn't he do this to some random girl he met or any of the other girls in town we both know would have went for him.. I just don't get why me. He's cheated several times, this was his first "repetitive relationship" his words... Meaning on going? So he says. So I feel like he must have known I'd end up hurting.. And we were all friends! I don't get why.

 

I know I did the same. I was so stupid. I thought it was special some how. A year ago I would have said you were crazy if you told me this would have happened

 

He lies.

 

And know that he lies - there's no reason to believe anything he says.

 

And the only thing you need to ask yourself is : HOW am I going to make this change?

 

 

I noticed when I asked YOU about what YOU could change - you moved to focusing on HIM! That won't change this - it is only up to YOU!

 

Are YOU going to change it or not?