lovesucks76 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Am currently going through the same with my now Ex girlfriend - trust me it is hard. I'm an honest, genuine and caring guy, despite what all of her family and her now think. She had been very poorly for almost a year which made me pratically a carer as apposed to a boyfriend. The relationship came out of the honeymoon period and thats when I started to realise she wasn't the girl I would want to spend the rest of my life with, despite all of the good times, and the fact she was my best friend, I knew it wasn't right. Illness aside, there were some fundemental floors in our relationship that we hid from each other and chose not to discuss. You have to think of yourself in these situations, sure I wake up in the morning and miss her, same for when I go to bed or when I watch a film I wish she was there. But if your gut is telling you this isn't right then you need to listen to it. Think what it will be like if you have a house together, kids, married etc. Seems selfish but you are doing what is right in the long run. The current feelings I get other than guilt is jealousy with imagining her with another guy. Really eats me up inside with the thought. But that is to be expected I guess. This will kill you for a while, no denying that but you need to think of yourself. Been there before too...it was the hardest thing ever! You just know when it's over, it's a different feeling....the thing is, she probably feels it coming too. Very hard on both!
Nancy87 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 It's not always rainbows and butterflies it's COMPROMISE that moves us along!
lovesucks76 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 It's not always rainbows and butterflies it's COMPROMISE that moves us along! Very true but LOVE and CHEMISTRY are needed in order for one to be willing to compromise. If you feel nothing when she kisses you anymore then you have a big problem. If the cute things she once did become super annoying things...you have to deal with that honestly and directly. I hear you but I can say that most of the people who get here have tried just about everything to rekindle the RS before calling it quits including a little compromising and some direct communication. It's easy to hate the dumper because they initiated the pain but remember, they have been in pain themselves before breaking up with you.
virtuzoso Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I know this is a bit late to the thread, but I sympathise with the OP here. I'm in a similar situation and the OP and I sound very similar. There's been some good advice here. I especially liked the line about if you had someone else you would already be gone because it was like a slap in the face to me, some cold water to wake me up. It's true..... I feel very ****ty about it, but it is true. God, now I feel selfish and ****ty. Just wondering how it went for the OP as I sit here contemplating my own relationships demise
oracle Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Don't kid yourself LOVE is thrown around FAR FAR FAR FAR to much its attachment pure and simple, and history and nostalgia The longer you are together the more complicated it gets.. joint assets, home(s), Businesses together, Kids together.. thats when it gets complicated and most people just stay. Nothing worse than being with someone and not being happy. Dumper will probably loose in the end.. which is fair. Let her go have a chance at having someone that actually wants her. hey my friend this thing you talk about aint love but IN LOVE we all all all all all fall out of love eventually but that doesnt mean we betray our other half... and here we talk about 4 years not 4 months or a year at least.... just think of it.. he will fall out of love with his next girl too and way sooner now,,,,, thats what i believe. love is a choice and after the passion becomes 0 and the excitement sinks we choose to LOVE
Never Again Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I had originally made a post full of quotes from folks...but then I went full moron and refreshed the page. So here's just my thoughts...very late into the game: Aspiringuitarheroine has made some great points, and I'd listen to her. Small bits I'd like to throw in: - For me, passion comes in two flavors: Intellectual (interest) and emotional (chemistry). Neither should ever go to zero, but they can...but it does not need to mean the relationship is over. They can be recovered if both partners are committed to working on it. I actually find that a loss of intellectual interest is more devastating - because that means I'm no longer interested in my partner as a human being. How we feel, that can be impermanent. It's more open to change, and the chemistry in a relationship can rise, fall, and even temporarily disappear depending on the circumstances. But, when I lose interest in someone as a person, I become incapable of making an emotional investment. The emotional side of passion is wonderful, but it can also be an illusion. It can keep people attached to toxic, incompatible relationships. Yet people chase it even if it means ending a great relationship with the potential for future chemistry because of "how they feel" right NOW. I actually look forward to the first them chemistry fades in a relationship because then I can assess my partner with my head, instead of just my heart. - Despite what some say, it is unrealistic to be 100% sure about your significant other at all times. It is an unfortunate and rather immature view of love and relationships. Doubts are normal - it's simply human nature. In fact, the better something is, the more we tend to pick it apart. As humans, we become accustomed to positive stimuli very quickly...so the better the relationship, the more critical we are. Silly, isn't it? Those that claim to feel "it", or "100% sure", or "just know" are often those deeply in the "high" (yes, it is actually a biochemical high) of chemistry. Oddly enough, these people end up separating from the partner they were so sure about as soon as that chemistry ends. Likewise, it's difficult to be "100% sure" of a breakup. It's hard. We get that. However, waiting until you're certain is a self-fulfilling prophecy. By focusing on the problems and negativity you will only be creating emotional distance between yourself and your girlfriend. You'll end up being sure you want to leave eventually because you'll disconnect, and the disconnection will be guaranteed because of the walls you built. It's a typical dumper's dilemma, and it doesn't make you a bad person, but it's a problem that you're helping to create. The only way to be sure is to try, even if it means acting against how you feel in the moment. If your feelings remain unaffected even while giving it your best...then you know it's over. However, if you can't muster the will to try...if you're truly done, then it's over and you need to accept that now and end it. Do not wait until you're so distant that the breakup doesn't hurt you - that is a typical dumper tactic and is incredibly selfish, because she'll only be bonding with you more as you disconnect. - Some of her traits/behaviors annoy you? Sorry to sound mean, but welcome to life. Every partner will have behaviors that you're less than fond of, and some will get deep under your skin. Sure, you have every right to inform them of your grievances...but the real trick is to be able to accept them for who they are: a flawed human being, just like you. - Interests shouldn't be a deal breaker. It just sounds like another straw on the camel's back. Plenty of couples share few common interests. You should have some ideally, but the important part is that you actually support one another on them. - Kids, however, is totally an issue. That's a fundamental incompatibility. You aren't on the same page about the future of the relationship. Big problem. - Again, a point of agreement with aspiringuitarheroine: You need to have a conversation with your girlfriend. It's possible that she doesn't know the full gravity of the situation, despite you having spoken with her more than once. However, if you're truly intent on ending it, do it now. Do it quick. Be done with it.
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