HerTransition Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Just Curious, Outta all the ladies who've had kids or not, when is borderline "old" to have your first child. I understand it depends on situations and I'm not tryna get technical, am just curious of the average age. I've always wanted to be a young mama, by 21, but that didn't happen only cause I was ina bad situation then. I am 25 and and despite recent events ( my previous post in breakups ) I still have baby on the brain. I'd like to be situated and stable by 28 to have one. Judging by my friends I went to highschool with...I'm very behind by multiple kids lol so opinions please, am I behind, perfect age. I believe I still have 10 years before I'm pushing it I hope but yeah, thoughts?
MrCastle Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Why do you want to be a mother so young? You have your entire life ahead of you.
Author HerTransition Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Why do you want to be a mother so young? You have your entire life ahead of you. I honestly dunno the answer to that question. I know I have my whole life ahead of me I guess I'm just afraid of being too old to do things with my kids, not child things, but adult things. I don't wanna be 55 and my kids are barely 15 I feel like that's not really fair to them that by the time the graduate highschool and the fun / hard parts of life start and they have a mama whose old enough to be a grandma. Am not sure why I think that way cause I truly don't feel like 55 is old, it's mature but not old. Random fact: I also since birth have to be by my mama lol when I was younger I would cry like someone was torturing me so I can't help but chalk that and the fact I wanna be a mama young maybe has something to do with a past life (dunno if you believe, am not judging). Am weird I know lol but again I don't think 55 is old and don't want anyone to take offense, I sincerely apologize if that happens. Am just thinking out loud.
CherryT Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Firstly, don't compare yourself with your friends. You are living your life and you should do what is right for you. I believe there is more than age that makes you ready to be a mother, protector and role model. If you want a family (there's been times in my life where I felt I may not find 'the one' and was open to adopting when the time was right), I would look for someone who you have a happy, healthy and stable relationship with. You should also take a hard look at your finances. My fiance and I could have kids next year but we're going to wait at least 3 years until we start trying. Why? Because we have a few goals (life and financial goals) we want to achieve before we want to be parents. We want to be able to provide for them beyond the basics and also give them experiences (travel, sports, etc) that we can give if we planned for those finances. I don't think age should be a deciding factor. Don't pressure yourself because you're 25. You should decide based on where you're at in life and whether this precious little being, who will rely on you 100%, will live a better life now or in a few years.
aussietigerwolf Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 If you're in your 40's then that's getting old but... I had my son at 32 and I can still do everything just fine.
Author HerTransition Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Firstly, don't compare yourself with your friends. You are living your life and you should do what is right for you. I believe there is more than age that makes you ready to be a mother, protector and role model. If you want a family (there's been times in my life where I felt I may not find 'the one' and was open to adopting when the time was right), I would look for someone who you have a happy, healthy and stable relationship with. You should also take a hard look at your finances. My fiance and I could have kids next year but we're going to wait at least 3 years until we start trying. Why? Because we have a few goals (life and financial goals) we want to achieve before we want to be parents. We want to be able to provide for them beyond the basics and also give them experiences (travel, sports, etc) that we can give if we planned for those finances. I don't think age should be a deciding factor. Don't pressure yourself because you're 25. You should decide based on where you're at in life and whether this precious little being, who will rely on you 100%, will live a better life now or in a few years. Your absolutely right about finances etc. which is why I didn't have one by 21. I most def want to be able to provide a decent and beyond life for them I'm just afraid of taking too long and maybe having my kids hate me because, like mentioned above, am afraid of being "too old" when they need me the most when they're figuring out who they are. I'm Sry if all this sounds nutty it's just honestly a fear. I Also try not to.judge by where my friends are cause I know they're struggling and I am grateful I'm "free" of those responsibilities but darn I yearn to be a mama lol
Author HerTransition Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 If you're in your 40's then that's getting old but... I had my son at 32 and I can still do everything just fine. Thank you for saying that. I don't consider 30's to be a "crippling" age when it comes to having kids I actually consider it normal but I thought I was the minority. Reading that gives me hope that yeah I can be a great mama and be stable. Just hate obsessing over it and sounding like a little "b word". I hate these uncertain 20's and am ready to get out of them.
emva07 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 my mom had me at 32, my sisters at 40 and 42. Perfectly good mother to the three of us. She is our confidant and is full of life. She had me when she was ready and partied out so there was no resentment that I stole her youth She always told me your 20s are for enjoying life and finding yourself. Believe it or not, young mothers resent seeing childless women like ourselves (i'm 25 as well) be able to go out and do what we want and buy ourselves what we want because we have no baby to buy stuff for. Most of them straight up tell me, emva, you are so lucky you do not have kids....you are free to do what you want, when you want.....don't get me wrong, I love my kids...but I should've waited." Those that at our age and have 3 kids and say they love it are full of it and feel that if they don't say that they are horrible mothers. Then again it also depends on their goal in life, I know girls who's goal was to be married and pregnant as soon as they graduated college then there are women like me, who would rather focus on a career first then look to marry and have kids. Gotta make yourself happy first before you can bring a life into this world I think, and that to me means a good job, a good living/financial situation and a good father for my child. 1
CherryT Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Your absolutely right about finances etc. which is why I didn't have one by 21. I most def want to be able to provide a decent and beyond life for them I'm just afraid of taking too long and maybe having my kids hate me because, like mentioned above, am afraid of being "too old" when they need me the most when they're figuring out who they are. I'm Sry if all this sounds nutty it's just honestly a fear. I Also try not to.judge by where my friends are cause I know they're struggling and I am grateful I'm "free" of those responsibilities but darn I yearn to be a mama lol You're not going to be 85 when they are 20. My mum is 60 and she's a crossfitter. She's fitter than I am and doesn't look a day over 40. No joke. Besides her appearance, she's very young at heart. You are what you say you are. I also think in order to be a good mum, you have to be emotionally mature. My mum was 30 when she had me, 32 with my brother and 35 with my other brother. She went through life before me and was able to teach us and we believe her. She experienced a lot in her life before starting a family. So now, when we go through similar situations, we respect her POV. She graduated college and struggled getting her foot in the door in her field of work; because her job is predominantly done by men. She worked really hard in her early 20's-late 20's and had a lot of career successes. By the time she had us, she was fulfilled in her career, but chose to step back and take a position that allowed her to have more flexibility. But she was still able to contribute and be self sufficient. My father appreciated her independence and loved her for it. So we were raised with a strong mother and a strong father. What i'm saying is, you have to be more than just someone who wants it. You have to have maturity... and your posts read as though you still have a bit of life to live before you consider having a baby.
emva07 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 You're not going to be 85 when they are 20. My mum is 60 and she's a crossfitter. She's fitter than I am and doesn't look a day over 40. No joke. Besides her appearance, she's very young at heart. You are what you say you are. She went through life before me and was able to teach us and we believe her. She experienced a lot in her life before starting a family. So now, when we go through similar situations, we respect her POV. She graduated college and struggled getting her foot in the door in her field of work; because her job is predominantly done by men. She worked really hard in her early 20's-late 20's and had a lot of career successes. By the time she had us, she was fulfilled in her career, but chose to step back and take a position that allowed her to have more flexibility. But she was still able to contribute and be self sufficient. My father appreciated her independence and loved her for it. So we were raised with a strong mother and a strong father. This is very important. Because my mom had over a decade of dating experience, she knows exactly how to read the guys her daughters date, knows the answer to every dating question and can share her experiences. Her advice is always so right and comes from a place of wisdom. She calls a guy for what he is and she is never wrong. Strong women with careers, independence, and ambition make great role models to their children, especially their daughters. I'd rather be a mother who teaches her daughter to be strong and independent than to be barefoot and pregnant right out of high school. You never know when a man will up and leave you or decide to be abusive and a cheat. Never rely on a man. Gotta fend for yourself and your babies. 1
Author HerTransition Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 my mom had me at 32, my sisters at 40 and 42. Perfectly good mother to the three of us. She is our confidant and is full of life. She had me when she was ready and partied out so there was no resentment that I stole her youth She always told me your 20s are for enjoying life and finding yourself. Believe it or not, young mothers resent seeing childless women like ourselves (i'm 25 as well) be able to go out and do what we want and buy ourselves what we want because we have no baby to buy stuff for. Most of them straight up tell me, emva, you are so lucky you do not have kids....you are free to do what you want, when you want.....don't get me wrong, I love my kids...but I should've waited." Those that at our age and have 3 kids and say they love it are full of it and feel that if they don't say that they are horrible mothers. Then again it also depends on their goal in life, I know girls who's goal was to be married and pregnant as soon as they graduated college then there are women like me, who would rather focus on a career first then look to marry and have kids. Gotta make yourself happy first before you can bring a life into this world I think, and that to me means a good job, a good living/financial situation and a good father for my child. Your right, thank you. I agree which again is why I don't purposefully have kids right now because I know in not in the best position to give a child a great start. I too have been told I'm lucky and agree. Thanks for your opinion.
Author HerTransition Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 You're not going to be 85 when they are 20. My mum is 60 and she's a crossfitter. She's fitter than I am and doesn't look a day over 40. No joke. Besides her appearance, she's very young at heart. You are what you say you are. I also think in order to be a good mum, you have to be emotionally mature. My mum was 30 when she had me, 32 with my brother and 35 with my other brother. She went through life before me and was able to teach us and we believe her. She experienced a lot in her life before starting a family. So now, when we go through similar situations, we respect her POV. She graduated college and struggled getting her foot in the door in her field of work; because her job is predominantly done by men. She worked really hard in her early 20's-late 20's and had a lot of career successes. By the time she had us, she was fulfilled in her career, but chose to step back and take a position that allowed her to have more flexibility. But she was still able to contribute and be self sufficient. My father appreciated her independence and loved her for it. So we were raised with a strong mother and a strong father. What i'm saying is, you have to be more than just someone who wants it. You have to have maturity... and your posts read as though you still have a bit of life to live before you consider having a baby. I'm sorry if my post comes across immature but this was just a light hearted question. If you read it all it clearly said I wasn't trying to get technical, am completely aware you need to be stable mentally emotionay financially etc which, again, is why I'm not a mother right now. Anyways I guess the general answer is 30's are a good time to start.
hotpotato Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Howdy! I've always wanted to be a young mom. I always wanted to be a young mom. I came close a few times, but circumstances prevented that from having. When I was 20 I was with a man who made good money so finances were not an issue. I wanted my kids to be able to meet their great grandparents like I did. They died many years ago, but I still remember and love them. I'm 26, and most of my peers have kids.
candie13 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 same here. Always thought I'd be a young mom, thought to myself: I'll have my first bb at 25, the second at 28, this way, by the time I reach my 30s, I'll be done. I was dating a guy in my 20's and it looked as if that was gonna be it. Life had other plans for me, though. Scholarship abroad, international career... what do you know, I am 33 and not even in a relationship. I think the most important thing is not to have kids, but to find a partner that makes you proud, makes you want to bear his children. Makes you want to die with excitement to have your genes mix with his genes. To me, that is a bigger accomplishment than even having that baby. What I'm trying to say is: reproduction is easy, everyone over the age of 10 (sometimes even younger) can do it. Finding a suitable partner worthy of it is a whole other discussion in itself. Don't let that biological clock mess with your head, there is no right or wrong moment. In my opinion, it's only the right or the wrong man. This does have profound implications on my life and on my ever having children. But... I want to be blown away. I want to be happy first, make my partner happy and then have kids. It takes a lot of time, and a lot of frogs to kiss. Such is life. 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I don't think having kids in your late twenties is being a "young mom". I think it is pretty normal to want kids from 24-30 range. I also have TONS of young mom friends (had kids from 20-23) and they don't resent anyone. They actually love being young moms. Hell, if anything, they will have the kids out of the house sooner. What is more important than age is the environment and mental capacity and understanding of what such an action entails. My aunt waited for the "right time" got married at 30 and started trying after the job house and things were stable after marriage. She can't have kids naturally now though. Her chances of conceiving naturally would have been much greater in her 20s rather than 30s. She tells me all the time now not to wait too long. Personally I want kids around age 26. course, I firmly believe in having the perfect partner and for my own overall feeling of readiness. 1
candie13 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I've always thought that the decision to have a baby was made in two, not just by the mom . Of course, every woman should make that decision whenever she feels she is ready. If the love is there and the man is there to stay too, indeed, age is an important factor to be kept in mind, the sooner, the better.
emva07 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I highly doubt any woman that had a kid before 24/25 can say it's something she truly wanted. Not saying they love their kids any less than an older mother or that they wish they hadn't had them. I'd rather enjoy my youth now than wait until the time after my kids move out. Clubbing is more fun when you're 22 than when you're in your 40s/50s Many girls convince themselves that kids is what makes them happy because that's what they grew up seeing as normal, when in reality there were so many things they wanted to accomplish that they never could. Sometimes they get to accomplish them once their kids move out, sometimes they just never do. Back then this is what women did because a good career for a woman was almost impossible, but now it's so much easier, why not want to make the best of your life before you bring another life into this world? Give your child the best of you. Not the "well marriage and kids is what happened to me at 20" version of you. Sure society dictates we should have kids in our 20s but is society going to babysit my kid when I want to go out? is society going to babysit them while I do grad school? is society gonna pay for their diapers I wont be able to afford because I'm in grad school? Is society going to sympathize with me in an unhappy marriage because I settled with some guy in order to have a kid? You gotta take care of your own happiness.Society only dictates how one should act but doesn't give a **** when you're screwed. I'm sorry, if men can be selfish on wanting to hold off on wanting marriage and kids so they can just live their life, so can we.
dichotomy Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) If you're in your 40's then that's getting old but. I had my son at 32 and I can still do everything just fine. Not a chance! 42 for me and I can still do everything just fine as well. Recently avoided the elevator - threw my 42 lb child over my shoulders and ran up two flights of stairs at the theater to watch Despicable Me 2 both of us laughing. Life is good in this area. Edited September 13, 2013 by dichotomy 1
emva07 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I wanted to add in my previous post If men can hold off kids until they have thriving careers by the time their in their 30s, why can't we? At what point do you give up your dreams to settle down and have a kid? Part of it is the economy, a while ago most people could have their thriving career by mid-late 20s so having kids and settling down at that age made more sense. Now people might not get that thriving career well into their mid 30s so the family plans get pushed back.
mrs rubble Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I had my first at 21 & my second at 26. I miscarried a few months ago (I'm 41 now). At 21~ I was too immature, 26~ was with the wrong man. At 41~ Sooooo excited, ready to take on another baby....not to be! So I reckon the ideal is around 30 something...although I'm not scared to do it again now if it happens. 1
Quiet Storm Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I know of no emotionally healthy women that resent their kids. A woman that blames her kids for her life choices has issues. I had my oldest at 20. He's a senior in HS and I'm only 37. My kids bring me more joy than partying or my career ever did. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I highly doubt any woman that had a kid before 24/25 can say it's something she truly wanted. Not saying they love their kids any less than an older mother or that they wish they hadn't had them. I'd rather enjoy my youth now than wait until the time after my kids move out. Clubbing is more fun when you're 22 than when you're in your 40s/50s Many girls convince themselves that kids is what makes them happy because that's what they grew up seeing as normal, when in reality there were so many things they wanted to accomplish that they never could. Sometimes they get to accomplish them once their kids move out, sometimes they just never do. Back then this is what women did because a good career for a woman was almost impossible, but now it's so much easier, why not want to make the best of your life before you bring another life into this world? Give your child the best of you. Not the "well marriage and kids is what happened to me at 20" version of you. Sure society dictates we should have kids in our 20s but is society going to babysit my kid when I want to go out? is society going to babysit them while I do grad school? is society gonna pay for their diapers I wont be able to afford because I'm in grad school? Is society going to sympathize with me in an unhappy marriage because I settled with some guy in order to have a kid? You gotta take care of your own happiness.Society only dictates how one should act but doesn't give a **** when you're screwed. I'm sorry, if men can be selfish on wanting to hold off on wanting marriage and kids so they can just live their life, so can we. I hate to say it, but just because you are not ready to be a parent does not mean every young adult isn't ready. Different strokes for different folks. With your outlook, it is a good thing you never got pregnant young. It is people like you who have them that make people think all young parents resent/wish they had waited to have their kids. All the lovely young parents I know love their life, a majority of them are married, and think their children are the best thing to ever happen to them. What is best for you, isn't what is best for everyone. You may think your outlook is wise, but it is actually very narrow minded.
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I wanted to add in my previous post If men can hold off kids until they have thriving careers by the time their in their 30s, why can't we? At what point do you give up your dreams to settle down and have a kid? Part of it is the economy, a while ago most people could have their thriving career by mid-late 20s so having kids and settling down at that age made more sense. Now people might not get that thriving career well into their mid 30s so the family plans get pushed back. And there it is again. That completely sad outlook. Don't have kids if you think it means giving up on your dreams. Good parents make their children a part of those dreams. I can tell you right now, I love my freedom, I love that I am 23 and child free. I feel lucky that I can sleep in and have all the time in the world to do my HW. But when the time is right and I am ready, I will have a kid, and I plan on including them in whatever dreams I have. Whether it be living abroad, or travelling or whatever my dreams then are. I know some amazing families out there who include their children in their dreams and love opening them up to what is out their. Having a child only puts your dreams on hold if you let it. Sure, life changes, but that happens no matter what. Not to mention, not everyone wants a "thriving career" like you do. People have different dreams, I wouldn't call my dream to be a math teacher a "thriving career". Everyone has different wants, I know some women who wanted to be young moms, that WAS their dream. Open your eyes. Life isn't so black and white.
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