loveRight Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Hey Everyone! Does anyone have any good tips about NOT getting emotionally attached too soon in a relationship? thanks in advance!
CrystalCastles Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Multi-date. That helps because you don't put all your eggs in one basket. Keep your options open. 1
CherryT Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 You have to figure out why you get emotionally attached so easily. Especially if this is someone you just met and just started dating. The people I know in my life who are still dating around and get emotionally attached easily have pretty big insecurities. They have a fear of people not liking them and potentially losing 'the one'. During the early stages/honeymoon stage of dating, they would fantasize about the future (marriage etc) when they've known the person for a short period of time. To work on not getting attached, you have to figure out what triggers you to hold tight. I think it's healthy to have that lust and passion in your relationship, but it's also healthy to be able to step back and assess. 3
nescafe1982 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) As someone with my own history with attachment issues, I found that a) working on myself and then b) multi-dating without getting too intimate too quickly worked for me. What makes you attached? More info might be needed. Do you get physical early on? Do you seek out and establish quick emotional intimacy? In what ways, and how early? Do you date only partners who call you frequently? These are important details that could help those giving advice. I also had a rule not to see any one man I was dating more frequently than once a week for a while. Twice a week tops if we were at date 4-5 or so. Kept me from over committing and gave me the space to figure out what I wanted from a relationship and appraise whether the guy in question had it. Edited September 13, 2013 by nescafe1982
edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I'm actually confused about it now. I met a guy who said he broke up with a girl because she was multi-dating after she told him she wasn't seeing anyone else. Until what phase is it okay to multi-date? Only until having "the talk", or when things seem to be heading somewhere?
carhill Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Hey Everyone! Does anyone have any good tips about NOT getting emotionally attached too soon in a relationship? thanks in advance! IME, if I had to generalize, the single most important factor I've found relevant to caring less is to have a full life; a lot of loves, a lot of interests, a lot of pursuits. Each of us are different but I found that refraining from focusing too much time, energy and emotion on any one person solved that issue for myself. I experimented a bit with it after splitting up with my exW and use the process today when meeting women who might otherwise garner too much of my emotional time and focus. I find, with such a mindset, the emotions pass. They're there, but they don't rule. 1
nescafe1982 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I'm actually confused about it now. I met a guy who said he broke up with a girl because she was multi-dating after she told him she wasn't seeing anyone else. Until what phase is it okay to multi-date? Only until having "the talk", or when things seem to be heading somewhere? Well multi-dating even after you tell the other party you're exclusive is clearly a recipe for disaster. But for me, until the exclusivity talk happens, 1) I continue to multi-date, and 2) I don't have sex. That's just me, though... But I will say that formula worked!
edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Thanks nescafe1982. Yeah in that case I mentioned they did not have the exclusivity talk per se, the guy just assumed they were exclusive as there were talks of moving together. Which is why I am not so sure anymore until when it is okay to multi-date. Your formula in my view is perfect. I had all the intention to follow it until meeting this guy. I am not so sure how he'd take if I see others. As OP, I also have attachment issues.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 You have to figure out why you get emotionally attached so easily. Especially if this is someone you just met and just started dating. The people I know in my life who are still dating around and get emotionally attached easily have pretty big insecurities. They have a fear of people not liking them and potentially losing 'the one'. During the early stages/honeymoon stage of dating, they would fantasize about the future (marriage etc) when they've known the person for a short period of time. To work on not getting attached, you have to figure out what triggers you to hold tight. I think it's healthy to have that lust and passion in your relationship, but it's also healthy to be able to step back and assess. I don't think that there's anything inherently wrong with getting attached early. It's looked down upon in our dating society, for sure, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong or even unnatural. Personally, I got pretty attached to my girlfriend early on and she is very attached to me as well. All is well with us. As far as insecurities go, everyone has them. But, again, it is not socially accepted to talk about them (not even to your significant other). 2
nescafe1982 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Thanks nescafe1982. Yeah in that case I mentioned they did not have the exclusivity talk per se, the guy just assumed they were exclusive as there were talks of moving together. Which is why I am not so sure anymore until when it is okay to multi-date. Your formula in my view is perfect. I had all the intention to follow it until meeting this guy. I am not so sure how he'd take if I see others. As OP, I also have attachment issues. Whoa, well first I would NEVER have a discussion about moving in together before having the exclusivity talk. For me, the exclusivity talk is the moment when someone I'm dating becomes a Boyfriend; not a moment before. Even thinking about moving in with a man I'm casually seeing is impossible... and it sounds like a huge recipe for drama, IMO. Many men are uncomfortable with the idea that women also multi-date (most dudes do early on but have become accustomed to thinking women don't do this). But at the multi-dating stage (e.g. very early on), I'm not interested in sacrificing my own prospects on the dating field to spare a guy I'm casually seeing some unfounded insecurities. Now, if you're saying you have a de facto boyfriend that you're basically mutually-exclusive with but you haven't had "the talk" yet, that's a whole other bag of apples. Have the talk, make it clear. If he balks (and doesn't want to call an exclusive relationship what it is,) then walk away and multi-date.
edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I totally agree! Whoa, well first I would NEVER have a discussion about moving in together before having the exclusivity talk. and it sounds like a huge recipe for drama, IMO.
CherryT Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I don't think that there's anything inherently wrong with getting attached early. It's looked down upon in our dating society, for sure, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong or even unnatural. Personally, I got pretty attached to my girlfriend early on and she is very attached to me as well. All is well with us. As far as insecurities go, everyone has them. But, again, it is not socially accepted to talk about them (not even to your significant other). I think it's OK to talk about insecurities and depending on demographic, in my age bracket, it's not taboo to talk about. If you're both attached and it feels natural to you, then sure, it's healthy in your relationship. I was emotionally attached to my fiance when we first met and so was he. If someone asked me if I knew from the day I met him that he was "the one", I would say yes. I know this because I spent many years single because I would go on a date, not feel chemistry and not want to continue pursuing that relationship with that person. I was looking for someone like him. I took it day by day, because I believed that if it were true and it was meant to be, it would happen. I didn't alter my life or shut people out. I kept my independence and we grew together as a couple. What I'm talking about are the people who are chronically dating and can only get past a few months because they start to suffocate the other person by being overly attached. Usually people who are (unhealthily) emotionally attached, pressure and rush a relationship and it's usually one sided. That to me, is not healthy. For example: I know a girl who's just dying to get married. She'll meet someone and he'll ask her out on a date. Within the first few dates, she's already professing her love and practically planning/fantasizing her future wedding. She hardly knows the guy and has become completely emotionally attached and he senses it. He becomes her life almost instantly. Within a few weeks, the guy will usually feel it's too much too fast and breaks up with her. She does this over and over and over again, with every guy she meets. This is not healthy. 2
Recommended Posts