edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) I met this 45 yo online. We're going to meet in a few weeks when he's back from abroad. For some reason, he keeps saying he likes my personality so much that even if we don't end up dating after we meet, he knows we'll be great friends. I find it so weird. Some ideas: 1. Is he insecure? (as in, protecting his heart in case I don't feel any spark); 2. Is he not interested in me? Why would a man keep saying something like this (it happened a few times already) to a woman he's supposedly courting? I hate to say it but it's starting to kill my attraction. What do you guys think? Edited September 13, 2013 by edgygirl
DresdenKing Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Is he insecure and wants to protect himself emotionally in case I'm not attracted when we meet, or there's no spark between us? I feel like it's moreso that. If good looking guys call you hot, and he contacted you daily after seeing your photo, he's interested in you physically. And a man interested in a woman physically is a man interested in a woman, period. At least to the point of wanting to get her in bed. Thing is, he might not be interested in anything romantically after that. By way of deductive reasoning I'd say he's insecure/afraid about something or another.
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 I feel like it's moreso that. If good looking guys call you hot, and he contacted you daily after seeing your photo, he's interested in you physically. And a man interested in a woman physically is a man interested in a woman, period. At least to the point of wanting to get her in bed. Thing is, he might not be interested in anything romantically after that. By way of deductive reasoning I'd say he's insecure/afraid about something or another. Hey thanks. Sorry I edited my post to make it smaller. Yes I feel you are right, that must be it. It wouldn't make sense for him to keep contacting me if he wasn't interested I guess. Unless he's bored lol.
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 I think my main fear would actually be that he knows he's picky and doesn't open up easily to love, and is actually trying to tell me not to expect much from us.
truth_seeker Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 When a guy keeps saying "friends" ... he's not 100% into you. It's also an attraction killer for a woman when a guy won't go all in and throws out being friends. He's playing it safe. He kinda likes you but not enough to take that risk to put himself completely out there. I also think he's playing a game, too. He gets you into bed then afterwards brings up "This isn't going to work but, like I said before, I want to be friends!" He gets what he wants (sex) and walks away looking like a good guy. Seems slimy, no? 4
DresdenKing Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 He's playing it safe. He kinda likes you but not enough to take that risk to put himself completely out there. I also think he's playing a game, too. He gets you into bed then afterwards brings up "This isn't going to work but, like I said before, I want to be friends!" He gets what he wants (sex) and walks away looking like a good guy. Seems slimy, no? ^ Yep, the more I think about it that's exactly what's going on. He wants your body without having to give you his heart. The guy is 45 and single, still flirting around online... he doesn't want to settle down. 1
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 LOL you guys are a bit imaginative I would say. He actually seems quite respectful in the sex talk department. He's actually the only one lately who hasn't started with the sexual innuendo talk. I know you guys are going to say it is part of his plan, hehe, but still... I don't think sex is the thing here. Also, he had a girlfriend for 7 years, because of cultural background there was a (believable) issue and they ended up splitting. He's been dating for 1 year since and said he almost developed a relationship with a woman until she confessed she kept online dating during the 3 months they were together and he said he could not trust her anymore (specially because she had said she wanted to move in together and then still dated others). I mean, he seems a pretty decent guy to be honest. I edited my OP, but in it I said he is not traditionally hot, he's not even my type, and surprisingly I am quite attracted to him. He's getting bald, is not that tall (6'), but he's incredibly intelligent and I love his sense of humor. I was thinking maybe he's insecure because although I'm early 40s I look 30 (EVERYONE tells me that). He also seems very successful professionally if that makes any difference. Anyway thank you guys. Perhaps an older man has some insight? I haven't dated anyone over 42 in my life and I'm confused. 1
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 truth_seeker, thanks for the thoughts though. I will keep in mind NOT to get in bed anytime soon until I grasp his intentions and if we are on the same page.
emva07 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Thing is you are two strangers talking to each other. In writing you guys click....in person you two have no idea. You two might LOVE each other or you two might HATE each other. It can end up being a friendship, a hookup, a relationship, a marriage, etc. You won't know until you meet. To me it sounds as "i don't know what will happen when we meet (friends, sex, dating, LTR, etc, we're not psychic) but from what I know about you NOW, I really like you. 2
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Thank you emva07, you are right. There's no way to know until we meet. Sometimes i.e. I meet attractive guys I don't click with. Chemistry is a mysterious thing. I think he's actually being prudent by not jumping deep in ideas about "us" before meeting. And yes, I think that's what he means - up to now he really likes me but it's like let's see what happens when we meet. He actually implied once that I was the one who was going to decide if I want to date him, to which I said: well, we are both going to decide. Still it's so weird to hear a man saying that we'll be friends if it doesn't work. I don't think it even works to be friends with someone you met on a dating site. I personally don't see it happening.
CptSaveAho Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 a guy drops the friends line he just wants sex no if ands or buts...lie to yourself all you want but it is what it is... stop overrationalizing etc 1
emva07 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I"m meeting someone Saturday and I wondered "what if he doesn't like me? what if he doesn't like what I talk about? Etc. Then I pause and tell myself "wait a minute. What if i'm the one that doesn't like him??? Find him boring, etc." What if we BOTH don't like each other anymore? I think we always worry of what the other person will think of us because we are so sure that we like them. I think he's being realistic in the fact that he does like you but has no clue what will happen when he meets you in person. Do you see what I"m saying?
carhill Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 He keeps saying we will be great friends if we don't end up dating Unless you both share a passionate interest that the two of you could really get deep into as friends, I'd say he's projecting insecurity about his sexual interest and/or attraction, in that he's already forwarded a fallback position. 1
emva07 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Or he could be very skillful (I just remembered he's 42) and yes, make you believe that his intentions were to date but then it just doesn't work out.
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Do you see what I"m saying? Yes I do. And I don't like reading what SaveAho said, but because men and women think in different ways (although certainly not all men are the same and SaveAho is usually mega pessimistic, lol) it's still good to hear how jerks might think so we can see things from all possible perspectives. Honestly if there is that scale of attractiveness I am probably above this guy's. I have a feeling he might feel insecure about me being attracted to him. I am not sure how I would feel if I were an older balding guy, it is probably not that easy for dating. I'm actually so happy I am attracted to him. It is breaking my usual mold of going for the most good looking guys. Feels liberating
RogerWallace111 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) will you predictable, jaded saps ease up with the "he just wants sex" stuff ??? to actually speculate into a situation like this through the internet and straight up proclaim something like that... use your brain for something other than jumping to unfounded conclusions based on little to nothing except for your own history of being used (or apparently being a man who has no higher aspiration than getting laid once and plays silly f*cking games to do so). Edited September 13, 2013 by RogerWallace111 1
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Unless you both share a passionate interest that the two of you could really get deep into as friends, I'd say he's projecting insecurity about his sexual interest and/or attraction, in that he's already forwarded a fallback position. Carhill, so glad you replied as I think you're about his age. We actually seem to not share similar interests i.e. in music which is a big passion of mine, but we seem to share a lot of the same values and goals. At this point in my life I am thinking values are more important than interests. Last two relationships were based on interests and didn't work well. I think I am getting lost in translation here, English is not my first language so I'm not sure I understood what you meant. Do you think he might feel he's not that attracted to me?
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Edgy, I hate it when guys say "friends" if I want more. Doesn't give me a good vibe. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 It just a way of appearing more genuine and invested...like don't worry I'm not a bad guy, I'd still want to be friends even if we didn't work out romantically...I'd still have use for you in my life. It's just a preemptive backup plan in the probable event that you're not compatible romantically but still can be "friends" because he's probably not looking for anything serious. It gives you two options instead of one, more maneuverability in the women he dates. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I remembered one guy that told me something similar on the phone before we first met. Things got hot and heavy from date 1. I later asked him why did he say the friends thing. He replied that he met women from online that he didn't end up attracted to in real life. He wanted an easy way out without hurting their feelings. 1
carhill Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Do you think he might feel he's not that attracted to me? He can be attracted but be insecure about that attraction. For most people, it's 'easier' to be friends than be romantically involved, so he's apparently looking at that, friendship, as his fallback position, even before you've met. He's not confident enough in himself to 'go for it'. Presuming your first contact was on a dating site, not an interests site, dating, mating and relationships *should* be the topic of the day. Why he would even bring friendship, like platonic friends, into it is beyond me.
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Yes makes sense ninja... he seems to want to be the "good guy". He even offered me to go to his sister's house when he asked me if I had somewhere to go today on our (religious) holiday. I do think he's looking for a relationship, but said only met one woman this year he could go the next step (the one that was multi-dating and he broke things off with her). He mentioned he decided he wants to be a father sooner than later too, which I guess would make sense at his age while he still has energy. I guess I'll only know if it's all talk or real after we meet.
truth_seeker Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I remembered one guy that told me something similar on the phone before we first met. Things got hot and heavy from date 1. I later asked him why did he say the friends thing. He replied that he met women from online that he didn't end up attracted to in real life. He wanted an easy way out without hurting their feelings. I've done this before. Trying to put the girl's feelings before my own. She got angry and felt slighted. Nothing but hell from her after that.
truth_seeker Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Edgy, I hate it when guys say "friends" if I want more. Doesn't give me a good vibe. It makes you feel snubbed, right? I got into it with one girl and then I realized the situation was too complicated. I told her: "I like you but am happy just being your friend." Um, she didn't take it too well. We're talking Glen Close in Fatal Attraction like behavior.
Author edgygirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 carhill, I forgot to mention I had a profile with no pictures when we met. I had a rant written there which he liked and we were talking friendly for a few days until I sent him a picture. We even talked on the phone before he saw me. I guess by the time he saw me we were already so friendly that well, he said we'd be friends even if it didn't work out for dating. Still, as Eternal Sunshine, as a woman I hate hearing that In a way although it's unconventional to say these things, I think the dating world would be a better place if people were friendlier and less jerk-ish.
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