Woggle Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Any two people sharing a lot of time and space together are going to have disagreements but if you are fighting more often than not it is not a good sign at all.
hotpotato Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Compared to what I've observed personally in friend's marriages, and I seriously doubt I've seen the reality and extent of their interactions, my exW and I rarely 'fought', though we definitely did have differences of opinion and disagreements. I delineate those from 'fighting' in that 'fights' are essentially the verbal equivalent of two guys pounding each other. Loaded language, insults and emotion expressed without the benefit of intellect, generally at a volume level far beyond a typical discussion or disagreement. At my age, and seeing what such stresses have done to friends, I prefer a more stress-free environment, so will pass on the 'excitement' of fighting for a more tranquil environment. I think the peace is something people appreciate more as they get older.
hppr Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Depends on the fighting I guess. Some people fight because of differences in opinion about where to take the relationship while others fight because of personality problems. Lately it seems like it's in style for women to be crazy bitches, no doubt because the internet is full of guys talking about how hot it is. My take is that it all comes down to what you personally can deal with. If she/he's driving you nuts then it's time to bail.
hotpotato Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 But never really any time to enjoy the relationship....or so it seems. Oh, people thought we were the happiest couple! We werent at each others throats all the time, just most of the time. 1
hppr Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Loaded language, insults and emotion expressed without the benefit of intellect, generally at a volume level far beyond a typical discussion or disagreement. Sounds like the people across the street from me. When they fight the husband goes outside and fiddles with his motorcycle. Nothing like waking up at 1am to the sound of a Harley when I have to get up at 4am for work. Truth be told most couples I know don't fight very often. I've really only had 1 big argument with my girlfriend over the past several months. So I guess I just don't understand why some guys/girls put up with that stuff on a weekly basis for years.
Silly_Girl Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 My first marriage (together 6 years) we had 3 arguments. The rest were discussions or light-hearted stuff. My ex after that was BPD and arguments could be several times a day, could result in police turning up or me needing to go to hospital. The man was a monster. My husband and I have been together 18 months. I thought we'd argued once but I thought hard and it's twice. By argued I mean voices were raised briefly and we had a break from each other to let it calm down so we could talk constructively. I'm not scared of arguing, but I'll do a lot to avoid it. Like the time out for an hour and come back to it. I never could have done that with my ex, but I like it. For disagreements where we haven't escalated to an argument, well there haven't been many, if any. But if we have something to resolve or a big decision to make we'll maybe tackle it 2 or 3 times across a few days to give us chance to process the other person's views. The thing I find different here, as opposed to in the past, is that because I'm secure I have no need to 'win'. We've both won because we've found each other (finally) and are really happy. Of course it helps that we're like minded (unlikely to argue about finances/family etc) but essentially if nothing is going to rock the fundamentals then it's not going to get heated or be a big enough issue to come between us. I respect him, as a person, more than any other adult, so if it's his turn to make a decision, so be it, he would only do so with the very best of intentions - he's such a good man I don't need to question his motives or argue with his approach. We just don't need to fight about anything. I confess I used to think, when couples said they didn't fight they were a) lying, b) in an unhealthy relationship with lots of unresolved resentment
Phoe Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Even though I have very little relationship experience, I sometimes feel lucky that the short experiences I had were never riddled with fighting. Playful debates were as far as it ever got I'm not a fighter. I just haven't got the patience for it. lol.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 My first marriage (together 6 years) we had 3 arguments. The rest were discussions or light-hearted stuff. My ex after that was BPD and arguments could be several times a day, could result in police turning up or me needing to go to hospital. The man was a monster. My husband and I have been together 18 months. I thought we'd argued once but I thought hard and it's twice. By argued I mean voices were raised briefly and we had a break from each other to let it calm down so we could talk constructively. I'm not scared of arguing, but I'll do a lot to avoid it. Like the time out for an hour and come back to it. I never could have done that with my ex, but I like it. For disagreements where we haven't escalated to an argument, well there haven't been many, if any. But if we have something to resolve or a big decision to make we'll maybe tackle it 2 or 3 times across a few days to give us chance to process the other person's views. The thing I find different here, as opposed to in the past, is that because I'm secure I have no need to 'win'. We've both won because we've found each other (finally) and are really happy. Of course it helps that we're like minded (unlikely to argue about finances/family etc) but essentially if nothing is going to rock the fundamentals then it's not going to get heated or be a big enough issue to come between us. I respect him, as a person, more than any other adult, so if it's his turn to make a decision, so be it, he would only do so with the very best of intentions - he's such a good man I don't need to question his motives or argue with his approach. We just don't need to fight about anything. I confess I used to think, when couples said they didn't fight they were a) lying, b) in an unhealthy relationship with lots of unresolved resentment This part really stood out to me. A big difference in my relationship with my exh and my bf, is the fact that ultimately we see eye to eye on fundamentals. It was something that I noticed lacked in my last relationship and I vowed to never get into a relationship like that again. Disagreements now that I think about it don't come up too often. And if they do it is about petty things like doing the dishes or laundry. I actually love the fact that we agree on so many things, people may find it boring, but it doesn't make our life boring. We just get to have more fun! My best friend thinks something is wrong with us because we really don't fight. Course we have our grumpy days, and we have our snippy moments, but that comes along with being human. Besides, when one of us is like that or we both are, we are big venters about what is bugging us. We confide in one another and help build eachother back up. I firmly believe that a relationship is similar to being a team. We don't always see eye to eye, but we always support one another.
Recommended Posts