Fighting.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I am curious to see the number of people here whether in relationships or have had them, fought/fight with their SO?

 

 

 

 

 

I look at my past marriage, and we fought all the time. Looking back, even in the beginning stages, fighting was just "normal".

After that marriage failed, I swore to never think of such a thing as OK again.

 

 

 

 

I look at so many relationships around me. Out of the 3 relatives I have, 2 of them fight a LOT with their spouses [my parents being one of the couples] and one couple [my favorite uncle and his girlfriend] rarely fight, and when I did see them fight, it was so cute the way they handled it that it wasn't really a fight at all.

 

Now, my parents are really happy, they piss eachother off, but after 30+ years together they are still going strong. My aunt and her husband, they fight, yet have a lot of things going on in their marriage, and just don't seem THAT happy. My uncle and his GF? Total bliss it seems like, I love talking to them about the mister and I because the things people say about them, they say about us. They have been together for almost 6 years now and are the cutest couple I know.

 

Talking to my "aunt" [uncles GF], we both think that maybe we just happened to get lucky. That being said, both my man and my uncle are emotional men, not like my other uncle and dad who are extremely headstrong and pretty emotionless.

 

 

 

 

My best friend and her guy? OMG they fight constantly. Yet here they are, 2 years later, and things seem to be going well enough.

 

So what do you think? Do you think for some couples, disagreements and "fights" are a healthy part of the relationship? Would you want to be in a relationship where you both rarely got riled up?

 

 

 

 

Personally? After experiencing what I have in THIS relationship, I will never again go back to one where fighting is the norm. I love our relationship and I know for me, it is far more healthy. I am too fragile and emotional to handle constant butting heads.

[Els]

IMO the healthy balance is somewhere in the middle. I would be skeptical of people who claim that they 'never fight', or expect zero disagreements - that just does not happen in a LTR unless one or both people are bottling things up or just don't care. On the other hand, constant fighting is a sign of unresolved issues that can certainly break a R if both people don't work together to resolve them ASAP. Not to mention that it really wears on you.

 

We did fight substantially during the teething phase after honeymoon (between year 2-3), but now that we've adjusted and learnt how to handle conflict much better, I think the last major fight we had was over a year ago.

 

Have you never fought with your current bf? I thought you had mentioned a few fights in your previous threads (which seems normal to me).

[miss_jaclynrae]

Oh yeah, we definitely have. Only twice have we actually fought, and by fight, I correlate fighting with yelling and overall lack of control over emotions.

 

 

Disagreements happen all the time between us, but we are big talkers. Even those fights we had, they cooled down fast. We aren't "fighters". We hate it, we both get too emotional and feel sad rather than accomplished. They both ended with us teary and after calming each other down through mushiness, broached the topic again and TALKED IT OUT.

Those fights actually were a reason I became so grateful for my man. With my ex is was one of us had to lose and one of us had to win.

One person was right and the other was wrong.

 

My parents are amazing, but I watch them fight and my father is one of those people where he is right, and it is his way or the highway.

I don't get it, but it works for them.

 

My aunt and uncle are the same, been married for 12 years now, but when they fight, it is terrible. They both are so stubborn, but when things are good, they seem so happy.

 

 

 

I think it is good to fight fair. I still hate fighting though, and I think that is big reason why we really do talk all the time. About everything. We have discussions, and are both really good at looking at things from the others perspective. So while we don't agree on everything, fights don't explode between us out of nowhere.

 

I also have to say that we have mastered picking and choosing our battles and are really good about saying how the others persons actions make us feel.

 

 

It is just so weird, because with my ex, I always thought us fighting was just normal, because I would tell people and they always told me it was.

[white]

I do my very best to avoid it. I could work at the UN, my conflict resolution skills are so well developed. But it always happens at least once. It's never been me that started it and it's always resulted in me leaving the house. I can't stand it and it's a miserable business. My parents only interacted to fight, sometimes physically, and I swore never to behave like that, never to lose sight of the fact I love this person and want everything to be harmonious, focusing on that. I've caught an ex cheating and didn't have an argument about it. There's really no point in screaming matches. It's a breakdown in communication.

 

But then again I've never had to face things like moving for jobs or medical bills or whatever, real dividing issues with impact that need resolving. And my longest relationship was only 2 years and we didn't move in together since we lived next door. I always could leave the house and let the DEFCON level drop over days. That's probably a luxury.

[MrCastle]

I don't understand people who think arguing a lot is "healthy," or "normal." Very sad.

 

I can understand arguments about hot button topics (marriage, children, moving in together, etc)

 

If you're getting into a heated discussion because he forgot to dvr Pretty Little Liars for you so you could watch it when you came home from work, or he's mad at you because you wished happy birthday to your ex on facebook, you don't need to be together.

[CherryT]

So what do you think? Do you think for some couples, disagreements and "fights" are a healthy part of the relationship? Would you want to be in a relationship where you both rarely got riled up?

 

I like your questions.

 

My ex and I were like your ex and you... we fought all the time. I actually think my ex enjoyed fighting because it created some value to his life. It was really tiring for me... because he would get mad at things that kids wouldn't even throw tantrums about. To me, this isn't healthy at all.

 

My fiance and I don't fight. I don't remember one single time in the last 2 years where we've actually fought. He has done things that's annoyed me and I've told him and he's always quick to apologize when he's in the wrong. We're both very rational so we can admit when we've done something to rile the other up. And when one of us apologizes for it, we accept it and move on. Our 'fights' last minutes... and that's because we both don't want to have things boil over so we talk about it when it happens. I personally feel much happier and fulfilled in my life and relationship and I think that's healthy.

[EasyHeart]

We disagree a lot; we rarely fight.

 

It's all a matter of how you resolve your differences. Fighting means that there has to be a winner and loser, and the end result of that mentality is that you both lose. People have to be able to put the relationship ahead of themselves, swallow their pride and compromise, compromise, compromise.

 

That's one of the things I've learned to look for very early in a relationship. If I'm dating a woman who has to "win" or has to always be right, then I know the relationship is not going anywhere.

[Pyro]

Fine line between disagreeing and arguing.

 

Some disagreements is fine and healthy. An argument once in a blue moon is fine.

 

Anything other than the above is not healthy IMO

[thefooloftheyear]

Arguments and disagreements are just a part of life..No way in hell can two people live in the same house day in and day out without an occasional fight..Money, kids, just the mere fact that men and women are different by nature is going to give a cause for disagreement. The key os to pick your battles and dont hold a grudge. When its over-its over(the argument)..

 

I am with some of the others that think there is something fundamentally off with someone that says "they never fight"..Just like there is something not quite right about the people that constantly say how madly in love they are and that their relationship is a perfect, harmonious, blissful lovefest every single day...Its just frankly not realistic, IMO

 

TFY

[Pyro]

 

I am with some of the others that think there is something fundamentally off with someone that says "they never fight"..Just like there is something not quite right about the people that constantly say how madly in love they are and that their relationship is a perfect, harmonious, blissful lovefest every single day...Its just frankly not realistic, IMO

 

TFY

 

One of my good friends is in a relationship like that right now. Literally every single day we are reminded how "happy" they are and how things are perfect between them. The rest of us are waiting for things to implode between them.

[thefooloftheyear]

One of my good friends is in a relationship like that right now. Literally every single day we are reminded how "happy" they are and how things are perfect between them. The rest of us are waiting for things to implode between them.

 

The simple answer is that those that are constantly shouting from the mountaintops how splendiferous their relationship is are the ones that are the least secure about it....hence the constant reminders..Truly happy people tell no one..they dont need to..

 

TFY

[Pyro]

Truly happy people tell no one..they dont need to..

 

TFY

 

100% agree.

 

This can also be applied to people who constantly feel the need to boast or brag about themselves.

[hotpotato]

A previous ex and I argued all the time. It was very much the norm for us.

 

I wouldn't say that we weren't a match. Really, we complemented each other too well. We were like Mary Elena and Juan Antonio from Vicky Christina Barcelona.

 

That man would make me angry, and I'd have these mood swings. I think it's funny looking back. I think on some level he liked me making a big fuss over him.

 

Our relationship was most in danger when the arguing stopped. The fighting isn't what broke us up. If we were still together, I'm sure we'd be fighting...right now!

 

With the last ex we never argued. No matter how perfect it seems, many people get bored with this. We were LDR and weren't in each others faces. It's like we were becoming friends, which is pretty much a death knell for a relationship.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I could go on all day about the mister and I. Granted, we definitely aren't ALWAYS happy, we generally are pretty damn awesome.

 

 

We don't really need to tell people in our lives though, it is just known.

[Pyro]

A previous ex and I argued all the time. It was very much the norm for us.

 

I wouldn't say that we weren't a match. Really, we complemented each other too well. We were like Mary Elena and Juan Antonio from Vicky Christina Barcelona.

 

That man would make me angry, and I'd have these mood swings. I think it's funny looking back. I think on some level he liked me making a big fuss over him.

 

Our relationship was most in danger when the arguing stopped. The fighting isn't what broke us up. If we were still together, I'm sure we'd be fighting...right now!

 

With the last ex we never argued. No matter how perfect it seems, many people get bored with this. We were LDR and weren't in each others faces. It's like we were becoming friends, which is pretty much a death knell for a relationship.

 

From one extreme to another.

 

I really do hope that no one is expecting perfection when it comes to this. People are going to argue and/or disagree. There is no way to avoid it in a serious relationship.

 

Yes it would be extremely boring if a couple ALWAYS agreed on everything.

 

Most of the time agreeing? That is the ideal relationship.

[emva07]

I think some fighting is normal. You won't agree on everything.

 

But once it becomes a constant bickering I feel it just becomes unhealthy and disrespectful. I think that when too much fighting happens there is a subconscious unhappiness to a certain extent, you aren't completely happy but you don't want to leave either. It becomes a love-hate relationship.

 

I know of people that enjoy being in these type of relationships because they love the drama (esp true for a lot of females). Then there are those who love the makeup sex. I even know a couple of women who loved it because it meant they got Coach bags after every fight

 

So no, I don't think too much fighting is healthy. Whatever the reason two people like that are still together (hundreds of possibilities) I feel are not the right reasons.

[thefooloftheyear]

The best advice (as a guy) that I can give a youngster about this topic is that when they get their "friend", save any life altering discussions and dont broach anything beyond just basic shyt during this time. Stop at the store and get her favorite ice cream, stock up on some dark chocolate,keep yourself busy and just ride it out. Some are worse than others, but you cant go wrong with playing it safe here..In some cases you'll have an easier time reasoning with the family dog.

 

 

The good news is that its not permanent...give it a few days and it will pass...

 

 

OK, dont get angry, ladies...Just kiddin'(i think!)

 

TFY

[mea_M]

To a some extent, a certain amount of disagreement is not only normal but healthy. We are are our own people & will not always agree on all points in life in a relationship. I think the key is conflict resolution. Being able to resolve an issue in a healthy way. This sets a good example if you have kids too. Because they see that if mommy and daddy don't always agree, they know how to resolve the issue. Honestly, I could not thrive in a relationship without butting heads from time to time. We learn from our disagreements. And I always question the relationships were there is this attitude of we never argue. Our relationship is close to perfect. And you know what I have to say to that, yeah.. right.

 

Mea:)

[todreaminblue]

I dont mind discussions, arguments where it gets too heated if soemone starts to raise theri hands and i start to get jumpy, is where i walk..when i was with my ex we didnt fight a lot.....we would have disagreements we would talk about it at night it we needed too when the kids went to bed....if you ask my girls they enver remember me and my ex fighting that is why it hit them so hard when we split we never fought around them, when we had guests or visitors or around people....we never argued..... we were supportive and never put the other down in public.....never fought in public...so yeah everyone got a shock when we split...truth is .....we could fight but it never got loud.....we would have staring competitions beign stubborn, when we lol couldnt agree one of us would start to smile...then it was over.....and we would have sex...fight over.....grinnin.....more sex less fights easy solution...we always fought in the bedroom at night soooooo...they never lasted very long.....and full of whispers to not wake anyone......im out....cheers jackie...deb

[hotpotato]

From one extreme to another.

 

I really do hope that no one is expecting perfection when it comes to this. People are going to argue and/or disagree. There is no way to avoid it in a serious relationship.

 

Yes it would be extremely boring if a couple ALWAYS agreed on everything.

 

Most of the time agreeing? That is the ideal relationship.

 

In the previous relationship, there was just more to argue about.

[Pyro]

In the previous relationship, there was just more to argue about.

 

But never really any time to enjoy the relationship....or so it seems.

[candie13]

I don't believe it's a matter of men being cold or emotionless, it's about people being able to communicate, wanting to communicate and keep those communication lines open, even when there's emotion up in the air. Actually, that was one of the most important indicator as to if a relationship was most likely to last or fail - don't remember which famous research. One of the downers was contempt during fights - that's really bad.

 

As for couples fighting more versus couples fighting less... I don't know what to say. Personally, I just think some people are good for you and bring out the shiny side in you, nurture you, while others are plain out bad for you. Make you anxious, tense, provoke emotional crisis for the sake of it. Hard to let go of those relationships because of the roller coaster of sensations... well actually that, and their being toxic .

 

To me, some good indicator as to which category my relationships situates in, are the following:

- is he fighting fair?

- does he care about hurting me unnecessarily - beyond the subject of the fight

- does he try to "win" at any cost

- does he apologize if he made a mistake

- did he learn from our previous fights and do I see a progression, an evolution in his behavior, towards me

- is he ok to talk about it after we've cooled down, just to make it easier for us

 

Looking back... some people simply aren't worth the effort.

[MissBee]

We disagree a lot; we rarely fight.

 

It's all a matter of how you resolve your differences. Fighting means that there has to be a winner and loser, and the end result of that mentality is that you both lose. People have to be able to put the relationship ahead of themselves, swallow their pride and compromise, compromise, compromise.

 

That's one of the things I've learned to look for very early in a relationship. If I'm dating a woman who has to "win" or has to always be right, then I know the relationship is not going anywhere.

 

I agree with this. Fighting and disagreeing aren't the same IMO...every disagreement isn't a fight/doesn't lead to a fight while most fights start with a disagreement.

 

I of course have disagreements in relationships and maybe a couple times we're passionate about our point or are upset so voices are raised, but generally I've never had any huge fights in terms of loud yelling, calling each other names, anyone storming off or anything like that. Although in one relationship he was a fan of arguing then giving me the silent treatment for a few hours because that was his way of processing...I HATED that!

 

I like someone with whom I can have a healthy intellectual debate and exchange ideas with; but that's not the same as fighting about emotional issues and personal issues that leave us genuinely hurt/upset. As someone else pointed out though, there are some people who do enjoy the drama of constant fighting and making up and breaking up. I have a friend who is this way. All she and her bf do is argue and yell at each other....they've been together for about 6 yrs now and it hasn't stopped, so I think she must like it.

Edited September 17, 2013 by MissBee

[carhill]

So what do you think? Do you think for some couples, disagreements and "fights" are a healthy part of the relationship? Would you want to be in a relationship where you both rarely got riled up?

 

Compared to what I've observed personally in friend's marriages, and I seriously doubt I've seen the reality and extent of their interactions, my exW and I rarely 'fought', though we definitely did have differences of opinion and disagreements. I delineate those from 'fighting' in that 'fights' are essentially the verbal equivalent of two guys pounding each other. Loaded language, insults and emotion expressed without the benefit of intellect, generally at a volume level far beyond a typical discussion or disagreement.

 

At my age, and seeing what such stresses have done to friends, I prefer a more stress-free environment, so will pass on the 'excitement' of fighting for a more tranquil environment.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Compared to what I've observed personally in friend's marriages, and I seriously doubt I've seen the reality and extent of their interactions, my exW and I rarely 'fought', though we definitely did have differences of opinion and disagreements. I delineate those from 'fighting' in that 'fights' are essentially the verbal equivalent of two guys pounding each other. Loaded language, insults and emotion expressed without the benefit of intellect, generally at a volume level far beyond a typical discussion or disagreement.

At my age, and seeing what such stresses have done to friends, I prefer a more stress-free environment, so will pass on the 'excitement' of fighting for a more tranquil environment.

 

 

The last part really called to me. With his anxiety and what not, tranquil is something he NEEDS. It is a big reason we don't fight. He can't handle it, I can't handle it, and we get so much farther by talking. Along with everything being organized and "in it's place."

 

My last relationship was exhausting. I was stubborn myself, but with a man who actually TRIES to understand my point of view rather than blindly disagree with it... there is just so much I am grateful for.

 

With his alcoholism, it makes things even more simple. He needs calm and collected. I love it, I love that we talk, rather than get heated and just spout things with no thought. Granted as I have said, it has happenened, only once. That one time was enough for me.