lostatm Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Hi everyone, I really need to vent/talk to people and this seems a good way of doing it. Before I start, I know I got myself into a risky relationship but I really don't want to be judged :-) So my story is this, cut down! I became friends with a guy from work. Just friends, nothing outside of work and we got on well. Over time I realised we probably did have a connection but due to the fact he was married, knew that nothing would happen and to carry on with life and dating. He came to me and told me that he had feelings for me, that he was unhappy in his marriage and asked how I felt. I was honest in telling him I believed we did have a connection, but that nothing would ever happen due his marital situation. Over time (a few weeks) he continued to tell me that he was so unhappy in his marriage that he was leaving. He knew what he had to do and was doing it for himself. He wanted to meet me outside of work which I refused and said that until he was officially separated we could not be any more than friends at work. He flitted for a while with what he was doing and I told him I was going to remove myself from the situation and carry on with my life. He proceeded to turn up at my flat (he knew my address because we has some charity flyers sent there) - and told me he was moving out of his marital home and he knew what he wanted. I did support him where I could and when he needed it including finding a new flat and moving him in. I know it was very quick to be doing this but I genuinely saw him as a very good friend whom I was developing feeling for him. That was 2 months ago and since then it has been a living nightmare. One week living in his flat he went back to his wife due to anxiety with work and told me he didn't think he could be a relationship. I was sad but understood. He then text and asked me to meet him and he said he did want to be with me but needed me to be patient. He moved back into his flat, this time with a prescription of antidepressants. He claimed he never should have gone back and the whole time he was there he had been sick to the core about losing me. I believed this man was severely depressed and wanted to help as much as I could. We were having sex throughout and he claimed that his wife was now moving on with sorting out the house and had even looked at dating websites, it was civil and he always believed it would happen. He claimed that he knew he never should have married her but the only reason they got together was because his Mum had passed away and she had been there for him and he was unable to break away from that comfort and familiarity. He told me his was in love with me and could see us being together for a long time. He and his wife only have their 2 dogs in common, they have separate interests and no children. The relationship panned out to be very emotional draining and at times emotionally abusive. I found out three weeks ago that throughout the whole relationship he has been going back and forth to his wife, sleeping with her and lying to me about the whole situation. There were a few times that he said he was unsure about how he felt about me but never once said he has regrets over leaving his wife. He claimed his depression had got so bad that he was feeling detached from me and not able to make any decisions. The worst week was when he claimed he just needed support from me as a friend and wasn't sure if it was a healthy time to be in a relationship which I agreed. He said there was no chance of any reconciliation with his wife but he needed to get better. I continued to support him with his counselling and spending time with him each evening to make sure he was ok. When the weekend came round we talked and decided to take things really slowly but not to continue pushing me away. We spent the weekend together and he left Sunday with an agreement that he would pick me Monday to go to the gym. He never picked me up and instead went back to his old home for the night. I knew he had because my friend had seen him. When I asked him where he had been after being ignored for 2 days he claimed he had been hiding away from everything and his anxiety and depression had got very high that day. I knew that I should have walked then but I was very low myself and he still hadn't told me he was back with his wife. He continued to say that he went back to see the dogs and that he did miss the old area that he lived in. When I confronted him in person he had nothing to say, he wanted to talk to me about it but just stared at the floor. He didn't apologise or show any remorse. I told him that he was selfish, self absorbed and basically highlighted some home truths which is really didn't like. He told me that he could never be with me if that was how I saw him and the following day said he loved me but no more than a friends. This surprised me as up until two days prior to this he claimed that despite what I thought he both loved me and was in love me. He also claimed that I was 'aggressive' and being with me was 'draining' All I had ever done was support him and the couple o times I did snap at him (and apologised) was because I was also emotionally tired but was getting nothing in terms of support from him. He was incredibly selfish and everything revolved around him. I do regret snapping at him but I was genuinely fed up and I constantly felt completely inadequate. I didn't contact him for two days and saw my friends. I was going to proceed with NC. He text me on the Monday asking how I was and that he missed me. He asked me to support him with his counselling and because I was so low and guilt ridden from the things I had said him, I agreed. I asked him why he hasn't asked his wife to support him and he said he didn't want her support and the only person he wanted there was me. We continued to see each other that week and for the for the first time actually saw I was struggling and offered to support me. He came round to mine and helped me out with some things and ended up staying the night. We has sex twice. The next day was the last day I saw him. That is when I asked him what his plans were for the weekend and he said he was going away for a weekend. It turns out he had planned to spend the weekend with his wife and dogs. He had also spent the weekend there the previous week, and then proceeded to have sex with me. When the whole truth was revealed I was very upset and angry yet remained calm, through probable shock. I told him that how he was treated both his wife and me was horrific and that he was a controlling, manipulative man. I was so angry that what I had had an affair without consenting it. At this point and for the next few days I was at rock bottom, angry with him for treating me like this and angry with myself for allowing him to do this. I asked he if we could talk but he said that he needed space. He has since told me that the things I had said to him had made him consider killing himself and that those things had made him feel very low, within two days he was staying back with his wife so he wasn't on his own. I have since changed my number and have not had any contact, I know I must sound incredibly pathetic and naïve but I guess I just fell in love and bought into his story. Although our relationship developed quickly I never wanted an affair and continually asked if he was happy with his decision. I want to believe that this is just a nice guy who dug himself a hole and couldn't get out but part of me also thinks he has some serious personality issues. I guess I'm just confused: - Why would a man move out (everything into storage and a flat) and buy a new car if he wasn't serious about leaving a marriage? - He claimed that if he had told me he had 'concerns' about his decision, I would have left. Yes, I would have, but is that a good enough reason to lie through omission and deceive someone? - Apart from a text saying he was sorry he had messed things up, why didn't he show any remorse for his actions? How can you claim to be in love with someone and then detach yourself so quickly whilst also stating I had driven HIM to suicidal thoughts> - Has he gone back because he loves his wife or because its the safer option? - If he has gone back because of love, why was he still stringing me along up until the day I forced the truth? If he wife was so important to him, why not go back as soon as you know you have made a mistake? - How can someone be that cold and use me? He knew I loved him and knew he was lying about his plans? - Does his wife deserve to know the truth? I have no reason to think he would tell her the truth. I believe she is supporting him with him continuing to use his 'depression' as a crutch. I have no doubt he is stressed but the guy was going to the gym for 2 hours each day, mountain biking and had enough energy to have sex with two people. Sorry to go on x:sick:
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