sargirl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Hi, I was married in to a relative's family. It was an arranged marriage. My husband did not love me for the first few years of our marriage and there was no physical relationship between both of us. He did not care about me and we would even talk very little. I was silently suffering as we were in a combined family and I did not want to bring unhappiness to any of my relatives who were there or to my parents by speaking against my husband. I however fell in love with a wonderful guy. He showed lot of love and affection towards me and made me feel loved. After just dating for first two years me and my boyfriend began to have sex. My boyfriend began to take complete care of me. He began to take care of all my needs including my basic expenses. I did not take a single penny from my husband. I still never uttered anything against my husband to my parents. I was however also working on our marriage and never put pressure on my husband for anything. Our family began to put pressure on my husband too about child. And combined with this since I remained always positive, he began to get soft finally. And after six years of sexless marriage he finally began to show interest and we began to have sex one year ago. But sex was once in fifteen days and that too for the sake of getting pregnant and as per the advice of the doctor. And it was loveless. No wonder I always used to rush to my boyfriend for love and affection and still it was my boy freind who was taking care of me and everything about me. But in the last 3-4 months my husband has changed a little. Like for example booking my journey tickets, paying bills to the doctor and did even accompany me on couple of trips to my relatives' places in last 3 months which he never did before. It is still my boyfreind who is more affectionate about me and we do have sex 2-3 times per week and meet 4 times a week. And my boyfriend still takes care of everything towards me. Obviously I always take whatever time I can to meet my beloved boyfreind. But I am also aware that I can get pregnant anytime, though I have been trying since one and half years to get pregnant. And I have decided to stay with my family. But that will also mean staying in loveless marriage for the rest of my life. Me and husband still have sex only once in two weeks and husband is still low on showing love towards me. I worry what happens when my boyfriend leaves me. I will loose all the romance, love, affection and physical intimacy that I get from boyfriend all the time. I will be left with my husband and will have to be contended with an intimacy once in a month or two weeks and that too will be more like a drill carried out as per the orders of a drill master(or doctor) and that desire for love and affection that I get every day- I will have to suppress it. I really don't know how to manage this. I have decided to stay with my family because if I dont, I will be breaking several hearts including my parents and that will also bring rift between all our relatives. Both my husband's and my families are closely related as I said before.
stillafool Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Think of all the shame that will come upon you when they all find out you have been having sex with another man behind your husbands back. What you are doing is wrong and you should consider divorce and go with the other man to take care of you. Does he want you to leave and divorce so he can marry you?
Author sargirl Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Yes...He is unmarried and says he can wait for me. But I was also bothered about him wasting his precious time over me and missing out on the crucial phase of life by staying unmarried. So I told him to get married to some one. I am also bothered about what happens to him if I get pregnant and that child of his will be raised in my family. He seemed upset when I told this to him and thoughts of dying did come to my mind as I felt I was causing trouble to everyone. All this happened just before the day I was leaving abroad for an assignment for one month. But I did however sms him saying not to think too much about anything(he seemed disturbed about current relationship between me and my husband) and that he can wait for me and that we will live. I also mentioned that I love him and that is the only truth. He was enthused however soon after and was texting me with lot of love. He has sobered down now compared to last year and does not make known to me about his insecurities. Last year however when he first came to know that me and my husband had begun to have sex, he was disturbed and had argued with me continuously for few days also talking about ending the relationship. That had caused panic attack on me and I fainted with my feet and hands turning cold and was unconscious for few hours. After that I was getting suicidal feelings for the next one week. But my boyfriend would keep talking to me for hours every day to cheer me up and after that he just concentrated on making me happy. And that is how he took complete responsibility of me.
crederer Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Normally I don't believe in divorce for reasons other than abuse. That's the whole point of marriage, committing to each other no matter what. However, as an arranged marriage it was basically forced upon you. I don't know what country you live in, but take control of your life life and everyone else will just have to deal with it. The people that truly care about you will accept it and the ones who care more about their self image will no longer be a part of your life. That's their problem, not yours.
Author sargirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Hi, thanks for the reply. I'm from India.
crederer Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I don't know much about the culture, just from what I hear over here in Canada, which I'm sure a lot of the time is inaccurate. You may be shunned from friends and family if you divorce. However, from what you say it sounds like you more of a prisoner than a wife. I hope things work out for you. Be strong.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Does your husband know about your boyfriend? Does he know that boyfriend has financially supported you?
Author sargirl Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Nopes. He does not know anything about my boyfriend. He neither does make an attempt to buy me anything nor asks me if I need some money for my basic expenses. Before my boyfriend began to take care of me, I used to borrow money from my parents.
pteromom Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 It doesn't sound like much of a marriage that you are in. He doesn't provide for you, doesn't love you, and obviously doesn't want to spend much time with you if you are off with your boyfriend several times a week. You are in control of your life. And you cannot live your life for someone else. Including your parents. It will be scary to leave and start a new life with your boyfriend. But you need to do it or you will regret it forever. One day, your parents will be gone, and you will have wasted your youth on a man who doesn't love you. For nothing. Take a deep breath, and leave. Deal with the fallout afterward. You are fortunate you do not yet have children. There is NOTHING holding you where you are.
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