How do I save my relationship?

[lovehurts5]

So in my previous posts I discussed how my bf and I got into an argument on Sunday and Monday( first argument in 9 months). On Tuesday and a little bit yesterday he pretty much ignored me. Well today we talked like adults and this is what went down...

 

.I went to the gym to pick him up and he smiled at me and gave me a kiss hello. And then I couldn't stop kissing him cuz I was just happy to see him. Then we decided to go to this deli we always go to and it was just casual convo on the way there. I asked him how the gym was and how the past 2 days were. We get to the deli and I was like can I just have a hug? So he gives me a hug and he joked and was like yeah a hug cuz I don't love you anymore. And I gave him a face and he was like I'm just kidding of course I love you. And so basically we got to talking about how he just feels drained lately in the relationship because he feels like sometimes I smother him and he doesn't like my insecurities and he feels like he's had so many conversations about that with me and nothing has changed. And he's like I feel like sometimes you just touch me so much that I don't even want you to touch me. And I know that's wrong of me to think because I find you sexy and beautiful and I love you but I feel like you just push me away when you're constantly all over me. And he's like I don't want you to have to change because maybe that's just how you are and I don't want you to hide your insecurities from me because I don't want you to resent me one day but this is just how I'm feeling. And I was like to be honest with you these past 2 days have really opened my eyes a lot and I think these insecurities all started when that girl messaged me on Facebook but I need to realize that if your telling me to trust you and that nothing is going on despite all these friends you have that are girls then I just need to trust you. And I was like and by me trusting you isn't really me changing in a negative way I should trust you. And I understand I'm affectionate but I don't think it would be that big of a deal for me to back off a little and give you your space.

And he was like its wierd because with my relationship with my first ex I felt drained because I wasn't into her anymore and with my last ex I felt drained because she messed with my emotions but our relationship is unlike anything I've ever had before and you are so beautiful and I love you and your nice to me and I trust you completely so it bothers me that I'm having these feelings and it scares me that maybe we just aren't 100% compatible. And he was like I know that not everything is perfect in relationships and some thing you just have to deal with and learn to live with but it's scaring me that maybe I can't deal with all of this in the long run. And it terrifies me to move in with you in December because I don't want to feel smothered. And I was like first of all, we don't have to move in together. It's not like a mandatory thing. And second of all when you live with someone you aren't constantly all over them because you see each other more that 2 or 3 times a week. So that's not how it would be. And I was like dont let me make you feel like we need to move fast get a place and like get married or anything I'm fine with taking things slow and he's like no I like moving fast it's just I wanna make sure I'm completely happy before taking the next step. And I was like well it's screwing with my brain that like just last week and like every week before that we've talked about how were moving in together and how you sent pics of the ring you want to get me to the jeweler and want to spend your life with me and now how all the sudden your unsure. He's like I do want to do all those things but Idk what's wrong with me and feel like a lot needs to change before that happens. And maybe they won't change and that we are just 2 very different people but that's what I want to wait and see. And he's like and if we ever do end up breaking up I don't want to be in another relationship. He's like but my body is preparing for being alone and that's not what I want. I want to be with you it's just all so confusing.

And then I asked how he felt with not talking the past 2 days and he said Tuesday didn't really bother him because he was drained from Monday and he just laid in his bed all day and listened to music and wrote in his journal. But yesterday it started to bother him and that's why he asked me what was up. And then he also said I feel like your supposed to be my best friend and my gf at the same time but I don't feel like your my best friend because you only communicate with me on an affectionate level and I wish you'd communicate with me as a friend too. So we wrapped up the convo drove back to get his car. And he kissed me and I turned to get in my car and he was like wait one more so he kissed me again then I went to get in my car and he grabbed me and gave me a third kiss and was like see I can be affectionate. I love you. And that was it

 

So I apologize for having to read that big long novel. I just want everything to work out. We never argue and we are happy together there's just a few rocky things in the relationship I'm willing to work on like trust and not being so clingy. I just hope it works.... I love him a lot

[ExpatInItaly]

So in my previous posts I discussed how my bf and I got into an argument on Sunday and Monday( first argument in 9 months). On Tuesday and a little bit yesterday he pretty much ignored me. Well today we talked like adults and this is what went down...

 

.I went to the gym to pick him up and he smiled at me and gave me a kiss hello. And then I couldn't stop kissing him cuz I was just happy to see him. Then we decided to go to this deli we always go to and it was just casual convo on the way there. I asked him how the gym was and how the past 2 days were. We get to the deli and I was like can I just have a hug? So he gives me a hug and he joked and was like yeah a hug cuz I don't love you anymore. And I gave him a face and he was like I'm just kidding of course I love you. And so basically we got to talking about how he just feels drained lately in the relationship because he feels like sometimes I smother him and he doesn't like my insecurities and he feels like he's had so many conversations about that with me and nothing has changed. And he's like I feel like sometimes you just touch me so much that I don't even want you to touch me. And I know that's wrong of me to think because I find you sexy and beautiful and I love you but I feel like you just push me away when you're constantly all over me. And he's like I don't want you to have to change because maybe that's just how you are and I don't want you to hide your insecurities from me because I don't want you to resent me one day but this is just how I'm feeling. And I was like to be honest with you these past 2 days have really opened my eyes a lot and I think these insecurities all started when that girl messaged me on Facebook but I need to realize that if your telling me to trust you and that nothing is going on despite all these friends you have that are girls then I just need to trust you. And I was like and by me trusting you isn't really me changing in a negative way I should trust you. And I understand I'm affectionate but I don't think it would be that big of a deal for me to back off a little and give you your space.

And he was like its wierd because with my relationship with my first ex I felt drained because I wasn't into her anymore and with my last ex I felt drained because she messed with my emotions but our relationship is unlike anything I've ever had before and you are so beautiful and I love you and your nice to me and I trust you completely so it bothers me that I'm having these feelings and it scares me that maybe we just aren't 100% compatible. And he was like I know that not everything is perfect in relationships and some thing you just have to deal with and learn to live with but it's scaring me that maybe I can't deal with all of this in the long run. And it terrifies me to move in with you in December because I don't want to feel smothered. And I was like first of all, we don't have to move in together. It's not like a mandatory thing. And second of all when you live with someone you aren't constantly all over them because you see each other more that 2 or 3 times a week. So that's not how it would be. And I was like dont let me make you feel like we need to move fast get a place and like get married or anything I'm fine with taking things slow and he's like no I like moving fast it's just I wanna make sure I'm completely happy before taking the next step. And I was like well it's screwing with my brain that like just last week and like every week before that we've talked about how were moving in together and how you sent pics of the ring you want to get me to the jeweler and want to spend your life with me and now how all the sudden your unsure. He's like I do want to do all those things but Idk what's wrong with me and feel like a lot needs to change before that happens. And maybe they won't change and that we are just 2 very different people but that's what I want to wait and see. And he's like and if we ever do end up breaking up I don't want to be in another relationship. He's like but my body is preparing for being alone and that's not what I want. I want to be with you it's just all so confusing.

And then I asked how he felt with not talking the past 2 days and he said Tuesday didn't really bother him because he was drained from Monday and he just laid in his bed all day and listened to music and wrote in his journal. But yesterday it started to bother him and that's why he asked me what was up. And then he also said I feel like your supposed to be my best friend and my gf at the same time but I don't feel like your my best friend because you only communicate with me on an affectionate level and I wish you'd communicate with me as a friend too. So we wrapped up the convo drove back to get his car. And he kissed me and I turned to get in my car and he was like wait one more so he kissed me again then I went to get in my car and he grabbed me and gave me a third kiss and was like see I can be affectionate. I love you. And that was it

 

So I apologize for having to read that big long novel. I just want everything to work out. We never argue and we are happy together there's just a few rocky things in the relationship I'm willing to work on like trust and not being so clingy. I just hope it works.... I love him a lot

 

What the heck does that even mean?

 

Anyway, he's got one foot out the door. Give him space. He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. Cut down on contact for a little while and take it one day at a time. I don't think all is lost yet but he's not as invested as you are. Don't make any plans for the future just yet.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He's got cold feet and doesn't want to progess but kind of dug himself in a hole and he can't figure out how to quite back up and eventually get out of it.

 

I think apart of him, in a fantasy world wants to want this but his gut is telling him he's making a mistake...because he wants things to feel completely fulfilling in this relationship but he knows something is missing and you're not really the whole package so he's finding reasons to justify this to himself and to you.

 

You have to realize as open and honest men appear to be they're never going to be entirely transparent because they know you'll be emotional and hurt by saying the wrong thing...so although his reasons may be to a degree justifiable it is connected to a deeper emotion underneath...I think the honeymoon phase is ending for him and now things are actually happening and building up and he's not ready. Likely has commitment issues, they usually choose counters and insecure people due to their lack of trust and the assurance they provide by being so attached.

 

You might think this is just a matter of being the perfect girl, saving the relationship or fixing it...but that's just a form of desperation, more of a fear of abandonment because honestly if he's not ready or sure you're it, he's never going to feel ready with you, and the best you could hope for is him forcing himself to do something out of guilt, the pressure or obligation to honor the things he's done and said in the past....because right now he wants out but even if you said that to him we can end it he'd very likely deny it initially and possibly get upset because he doesn't want It to end that way...he sounds like a guy that might be more interested in letting things get to a breaking point to fade out then he could say he tried and that's what most women would want....then you can be friends or whatever and chalk it up to this or that...no one has to own it and you can feel less responsible by creating an excuse of why it didn't work out.

 

Something that doesn't make you feel so bad and "not good enough"

[JOYTOME]

you remind me of myself a few years ago. my then-boyfriend said something similar; to him, I felt more of a best friend than a girlfriend ie the ''passion' (something he desired) was missing and a couple of other stuff. In a nutshell, I was too "into" him, he felt smothered by my commitment to him and so he began to take me for granted etc. He said the same thing about being emotionally drained as well. We had been dating for a year at the time. What did I do? I was very devastated but I decided to do the opposite of what I felt like doing ie I withdrew and stopped contacting him. I let him ÇOME to me. I literally stopped calling him, texting him etc, but I'd take his calls. I became less available and all that. I stopped making an effort and trying to please him and he noticed and that increased the attraction. Things changed for the better and we reached the peak of our relationship after this hitch. Our relationship went on for two more years (the dynamics changed as well, I learnt to not give my all to anyone who isn't my husband) and ended finally when he moved to another country which was about 10 hours away from me. Now my experience is no guarantee that he will come back to you BUT it's worth a shot. You NEED to withdraw. You need to make him miss you. It'll be very difficult when all you want to do is speak to him and express your love etc. What I am advocating is a form of limited no-contact ie allowing him come to you. This will have the dual benefit of reducing your '"addiction" and dependency on him and also might make him miss you and eventually reconcile.

Edited September 13, 2013 by JOYTOME

[lovehurts5]

Okay, SOOOO. I feel like I just can't win here. I went to the gym today and he was there. I have been working really hard at not contacting him until he contacts me and taking the advice everyones been giving me with giving him space. So he sees me at the gym and he comes over to me and gives me a huge kiss and tells me he loves me. I smiled and told him I love him too and he's like no you don'ttttttt. Joking around. And I'm like of course I do! Then he was trying to be funny with me and sat on me while i was working out on the machine and was like what? You can't work out now? So he goes to do his own thing while working out. And he keeps coming up to me and giving me kisses and talking to me and saying "see babe, I can be the affectionate one". Because he originally said to me I'm to affectionate and smother him so he doesn't get the chance to be affectionate.

 

So after doing my work out i'm like are you still coming to the birthday party with me on Sunday? (my friends daughter's 3rd bday) He said yes. So I was like ok i'm gonna get going. I go to get a smoothie from the place inside the gym and the manager comes up to me introduces himself and just said he hopes i'm enjoying the gym blah, blah, blah.... So my bf comes up behind me and in a joking matter goes oh already picking up a new guy!? and I was like of course not. He's like youre not lovey or affectionate today. And I was like of course I am. (Even though i'm thinking in my head.... well i'm trying to just be not as extreme because that's what you want?!?!!)

 

So I leave the gym and i'm like ok... I just saw him for like a half hour things went well. Now i'll not text him so that I continue to give him space. So about 2 hours after the gym and no contact he texts me "This no texting is definitely going to keep me in this relationship, let me tell you" and I said "is that sacasm?" And he said "Yes, completely". So I said "I'm sorry, babe. I'm just trying to not be up your butt" and he said "and that's fine but you're being too distant now". So I said "ok I understand. I don't like the distance either I was just trying". Then we went on for a short time just talking about random crap.

 

I just feel like I can't win!!!!! He says i'm too affectionate and up his butt so I give him space. The second I do that he's saying i'm too distant and not affectionate enough. I'm trying to find a happy balance!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Okay, SOOOO. I feel like I just can't win here. I went to the gym today and he was there. I have been working really hard at not contacting him until he contacts me and taking the advice everyones been giving me with giving him space. So he sees me at the gym and he comes over to me and gives me a huge kiss and tells me he loves me. I smiled and told him I love him too and he's like no you don'ttttttt. Joking around. And I'm like of course I do! Then he was trying to be funny with me and sat on me while i was working out on the machine and was like what? You can't work out now? So he goes to do his own thing while working out. And he keeps coming up to me and giving me kisses and talking to me and saying "see babe, I can be the affectionate one". Because he originally said to me I'm to affectionate and smother him so he doesn't get the chance to be affectionate.

 

So after doing my work out i'm like are you still coming to the birthday party with me on Sunday? (my friends daughter's 3rd bday) He said yes. So I was like ok i'm gonna get going. I go to get a smoothie from the place inside the gym and the manager comes up to me introduces himself and just said he hopes i'm enjoying the gym blah, blah, blah.... So my bf comes up behind me and in a joking matter goes oh already picking up a new guy!? and I was like of course not. He's like youre not lovey or affectionate today. And I was like of course I am. (Even though i'm thinking in my head.... well i'm trying to just be not as extreme because that's what you want?!?!!)

 

So I leave the gym and i'm like ok... I just saw him for like a half hour things went well. Now i'll not text him so that I continue to give him space. So about 2 hours after the gym and no contact he texts me "This no texting is definitely going to keep me in this relationship, let me tell you" and I said "is that sacasm?" And he said "Yes, completely". So I said "I'm sorry, babe. I'm just trying to not be up your butt" and he said "and that's fine but you're being too distant now". So I said "ok I understand. I don't like the distance either I was just trying". Then we went on for a short time just talking about random crap.

 

I just feel like I can't win!!!!! He says i'm too affectionate and up his butt so I give him space. The second I do that he's saying i'm too distant and not affectionate enough. I'm trying to find a happy balance!!

 

You stroke his ego so he wants to hear how much you like/need him. But then he runs when you get close. This guy is going to continue to break your heart. You can't win because he has no idea what he wants. But he is obviously enjoying playing juvenile games with you. Don't allow him to do that.

[cif]

I agree with expat. And it seems like he doesn't know what he wants and is playing games, not good. Keep giving him space and not initiating contact. There's a possibility he has GIGS.

[lovehurts5]

Update: although it was a rough week we finally had a normal day yesterday. I havent nagged at him or questioned him at all. And it's actually made me feel better to trust him and not be a psycho girlfriend that goes out of my way to try and find something. I have also tried being less up his butt in the texting department. This part is still a little rough for me because he's still being short with me in text messages.

 

Yesterday we finally had a full day together after a whole week. He came with me to my friends baby's birthday party. And then afterwards we went to his friends house to relax and watch the football games. I allowed him to make moves on me rather than being attached at his hip. Although I love to be affectionate it wasn't as hard as I'd thought to back off a little. We had lots of laughs as we always do. When we were at his friends house he kept pulling me close on the couch and would sneak in kissing me here and there. After we left we hooked up and I felt like it was much more passionate than it has been in the past. And we even continued talking afterwards before I went home so it wasn't like a wam bam thank you ma'am. Before I left him he kissed me and told me he loved me and that he really enjoyed the day. His next day off is tomorrow, Tuesday, and he wants to go apple picking with me when I get out of work. So I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I'm feeling better about the situation. So we will see....