Just found out, don't know if I believe it

[iStayed]

:eek:Hi Everyone. I admit that I have been checkingout this forum for a while because I was a bit suspicious of my husband. We are married 25 years.

 

The first 20+ years, I never questioned his fidelity and he was free to do as he pleased, but then, about a year and a half ago, I got a phone call from his other woman telling me that they had been seeing eachother for 4 years and 3 had been sexual, actually, she went as far as to describe how sexual.

 

I stopped trusting him, but when he asked if I wanted him to go, I told him I wanted him to stay. Our sex life has been minimal at best since then because I just couldn't bear to do it. Everytime he would try to touch me, I wondered if he was thinking of her and it made me sick.

 

The past 2 months, we have finally been civil and we have been getting along better, things seemed to be looking up. We have stores near eachother, on the same plaza strip and the summer months at work brought us closer.

 

But last week, while I was at work a woman and a man came by my store, which is near his. She asked me if the store across from me was a chain and the same one as at a different location. She was talking about my husbands store. I said yes, she then turned to her boyfriend and said "OMG, the guy who owns that store is so nice and so is his girlfriend! They're so cute always sneaking kisses in the parking lot."

HOLY ****!!! I asked her how she knew him and she said she was a frequent customer at his other location and that she's also a customer of his girlfriends who owns a store there! She sensed that I was getting frustrated and just walked away looking nervous.

 

I don't want to believe this, but I don't think I can ignore it either. I don't knwo this person and I want to believe she is mistaken. I have a sneaking suspicion that this may have been deliberate, but can't tell for sure. I find myself wondering if this was a plan from the ex ow to get him to leave, but don't know if that is just because I so badly don't want to believe it. I haven't confronted him yet because I don't know how to react or handle this.

Anyone else find out from a stranger? Any advice on how to handle this? How could I find out if it was deliberate or really just an accident.

 

Thanks so so so much!!

[RightThere]

How could I find out if it was deliberate or really just an accident.

 

Does that matter? If he's messing around, how you find out really isn't the issue or should change what you're going to do, right?

[iStayed]

The biggest reason that it matters is that I want to be sure that this isn't some sick game that his ex ow is playing to try to get him back. I don't know how to tell if it her or if it really was true and a (fortunate?) accident

[darkmoon]

in all of my 60 years I have never heard such a laborious report of two people doing the deed, so I see an odd thing, I see a thought out assessed statement - a bit of a put-on theatre - when I read:

 

"OMG, the guy who owns that store is so nice and so is his girlfriend! They're so cute always sneaking kisses in the parking lot."

 

I have never heard such protracted gossip who would have the motive to do this ??

[iStayed]

Thanks Darkmoon,

I think you're right. But in all fairness, the strip that he works at has become a bit like a reality show and there is constant gossip over there. His last affair happened there also. That's what makes it so hard to determine. I guess I know the truth, just don't know how to deal with it. I want to believe that it was orchestrated by the other OW but I guess the reality is that this cold be a brand new other woman.

I guess because of how it was brought up and that no details were given, it may have actually been a coincidence... but it really doesn't matter does it.

Any advice on how to proceed and confront this? I'm lost.

[SidLyon]

It does sound rather like a role-play for your "benefit". However I think it's more likely a "concerned bystander" who wants to make sure you know, rather than some elaborate ploy by an OW to get him back, months later.

 

If you really have been reading this forum for a while then you should realise that in all probability the affair is ongoing. I'm not sure why you seem so invested in burying your head in the sand. It's a common portrayal of BWs here, mainly by OW and is normally far from the truth in my observation.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm a BW myself who could barely believe it when I found out. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[2sunny]

No - it doesn't matter.

 

Why stay married to a well known cheater?

 

Why aren't you posting on how to proceed in getting out of the M?

[iStayed]

Thanks Darkmoon,

I guess I know the truth, just don't know how to deal with it. I want to believe that it was orchestrated by the other OW but I guess the reality is that this cold be a brand new other woman.

I guess because of how it was brought up and that no details were given, it may have actually been a coincidence... but it really doesn't matter does it.

Any advice on how to proceed and confront this? I'm lost.

 

I know,

That is why I put this in the reply. Part of me wants to deny it, but I already know the truth. I just don't know how to proceed and confront the situation.

[RightThere]

I just don't know how to proceed and confront the situation.

 

Tell him it was YOU who saw them in the parking lot kissing.

[darkmoon]

keep in touch here on this forum, called "venting" aka getting a reception and support

 

no man is going to risk everything by being so indiscreet like that, so blatant, he is not a simpleton, running a shop and all

 

but if you want to set your mind at rest, hire a private detective, some might see cynicism or something with this idea, but I see a chance to find out once and for all - with nobody in the picture knowing that I was doing a thing, keeping me looking dignified and the gossips frustrated at my cool calm collected self

[iStayed]

As far as why stayed married to a well known cheater... I had reasons before and was tryingto work through them. As far as now, I honestly don't know what I am going to do as far as staying or leaving. It is very fresh and I want to give it thought and weigh the pros and cons and really know what the situation before i jump into a decision. I guess I don't want to act out and say or do the wrong thing while I am still so fragile. I need to build my strength and courage so i can act and say exactly what i need to without freaking out and crying all over the place. I just need time and perspective to deal with this

[2sunny]

You didn't just find out - you found out 1-1/2 years ago and never laid out a plan for the marriage to recover. He had no consequences.

 

And it looks like his affair just continued because you didn't require a thing to change.

 

Just like now, closing your eyes to the truth will do that - nothing changes unless you change it.

[iStayed]

What can I say Sunny, you are right... heindsight is 20/20 I guess.

[2sunny]

What can I say Sunny, you are right... heindsight is 20/20 I guess.

 

So how do you plan to get rid of his cheating a$$ now?

[2sure]

Staying or not is a personal decision and very good reasons can apply to both.

In my life experience and from reading here I know that the whole process and work of reconciliation must be done by both spouses after infidelity or the marriage will not recover. If that isn't done, especially if there are no consequences, cheating happens again.

 

So, you have To decide if he is cheating again or not. And then, either way you have to go back and do the work you didn't do before.

 

Even if the whole customer thing was a set up, it was done for a reason. He has probably at least had contact with OW and possibly continued the affair.

 

I strongly suggest you look at his cell phone, his cell phone bill, and his emails.

As to how? After his past behavior you have every right and reason to say "Give me your cell phone right now"

[iStayed]

We have verizon, the bill tells me how many texts were sent and to which numbers, but he sends about 200 texts a day and to many of teh same numbers. Has anyone been able to get a transcript of the texts? He deletes texts as they come in because his phone only stores 200 at a time, so checking his phone does no good.

 

I think I may have send a friend to his other shop to investigate for me.

[RightThere]

We have verizon, the bill tells me how many texts were sent and to which numbers, but he sends about 200 texts a day and to many of teh same numbers. Has anyone been able to get a transcript of the texts? He deletes texts as they come in because his phone only stores 200 at a time, so checking his phone does no good.

 

I think I may have send a friend to his other shop to investigate for me.

 

Find out who the numbers belong to (check his phone address book).

 

And believe me. My wife used to delete all her texts too. It ain't because of "storage issues".

[BetrayedH]

Denial is the first stage of grief. Acceptance is the last.

 

My gut says you will want more proof than what you got from these random strangers. I would get it if I were you. But remember that you don't need to convince him that he's cheating; he already knows and the cheater's handbook says to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. You only need to convince yourself such that you can be confident about a decision to divorce.

 

The first rule is to keep your mouth shut and play stupid. Confronting them, especially with weak or no evidence, just makes them stop until the dust settles or take it further underground. You may have only one chance to get the truth. Don't waste it.

 

As for methods, start with researching cell phone/text records, bank statements, and his phone itself; see if he is deleting texts or calls. Beyond that, there are voice activated recorders (VARs), GPS units, keyloggers, and PIs.

 

In the meantime, try to figure out what you're going to do when you discover it's true. Frankly, whether you want to reconcile or divorce, the best course of action is to pack his stuff and file for divorce. If you see remorse sufficient enough for you to try again, you can always halt the proceedings. That said, if you've had a Dday once before and he still did this to you yet again, I'd cut your losses.

[2sure]

Buy a voice activated recorder for 50 dollars. Stick it in his office or car. You'll have your answer.

 

Pull up the on line Verizon bill. Go to messaging details. When you see all of the records, click on the Numbers column. It will sort each call by number. Take the top 5 numbers with the most frequency. One may stand out. Pay about 50 dollars with an online search company to look up the numbers and give you names.

[2sunny]

Buy a voice activated recorder for 50 dollars. Stick it in his office or car. You'll have your answer.

 

Pull up the on line Verizon bill. Go to messaging details. When you see all of the records, click on the Numbers column. It will sort each call by number. Take the top 5 numbers with the most frequency. One may stand out. Pay about 50 dollars with an online search company to look up the numbers and give you names.

 

For what? To get the same info that she's identified as cheating twice already?

 

She has her info - she just doesn't want to do anything about it.

 

You can look the other way again... Just like 1-1/2 years ago - but betraying yourself comes with a price.

[2sure]

For what? To get the same info that she's identified as cheating twice already?

 

She has her info - she just doesn't want to do anything about it.

 

You can look the other way again... Just like 1-1/2 years ago - but betraying yourself comes with a price.

 

Everyone goes through their process. She's here asking. It's a small step to help her move forward.

[2sunny]

I understand that - but when he cheated last time she didn't seem to change anything.

 

What wold be different having evidence this time?

 

If she's not leaving him - and she's willing to continue to overlook his cheating - then uncovering tons of evidence still may not change a thing.

 

No need to go hunting unless the evidence may change her plan of action.

[2sure]

You're right 2Sunny. Don't look unless you want to know. Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer. I hope that's not the case.

[iStayed]

2Sunny,

While I appreciate your bluntness... you have no idea what changed and what didn't or what the rasons to stay vs leave were in my marriage. Rather than assuming, maybe ask a question.

While I think it's a bit rude for you to make such a biased assumption, I will let you know what the circumstances were...

We own business' together, have been together for 25 years, have one child and I helped him raise his child from another woman before me. When i decided to stay after findingout about the first affair, there was alot of thought that went into it. Admittedly, alot of it was because I really lke teh lifestyle that i have and he has always been a great provider. I believed it was part of a midlife crisis, that he was searching for validation and to rediscover himself and to be fair, I had been very unattentive and gone through depression and was very cold for a while before and during his first affair.

What I did to change it was tried to change my own behavior, though it was very difficult while I still did not have trust for him. He seemed very remorseful and I wanted to give it another chance. While not great, things did seem to be getting better and I thought that he understood that I was still going through a healing process.

I have to accept my own responsibility in this, as i did not give him the affection and attention sexually that he was craving, not that it lets him off the hook - he should have approached me or told me that it was bothering him.

This time, I honestly didn't see it coming. This is the part that is fresh, not the first one. Because teh other woman was so viscious, I was really torn at determining if this was a vengence thing on her part or if it were really happening. It's not so much about denial, but complete confusion because of the woman I was dealing with previously.

 

If it is in fact another affair, it clearly shows that he was not remorseful about the first one, just that he got caught. It puts everything into a new perspective.

 

I don't want to jump teh gun and confront him based on this conversation with a stranger, but when i posted, i was definately hoping for some insight as to if anyone has accidentally found out like this before without being directly approached. Also, to get an outside perspective on whether or not it sounds coincidental or accidental on the strangers part.

 

This is going to be a process for me and I stand to lose ALOT if I jump the gun and divorce, not just teh cheating man, but my whole life will be uprooted, so i don't want to act rashly, I want to make it as smooth a process with as little drama as possible.

[2sure]

Gotcha. In your previous experience, something like this is possible with this particular OW.

 

I would first determine if my husband were involved with her, then I would tell him about the incident and ask him what he's going to do about it.