myname Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Been with MM off and on for over four years. I'm feeling totally broken. I can't see a future for myself at all. I feel so stupid for having got to this state. He's still with his wife after numerous d-days, I have no idea what their relationship is like now but can only imagine. I'm so sad, I can't imagine ever meeting anyone else, I can't bear the thoughts of the past and all the mistakes I made that got me here. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. He's still in contact, it feels like it's been on his terms forever, I've tried to stop it, it's all got worse and worse, I'm now just wanting to die, I don't know what to do to improve my life at all. I tried going out with friends etc, but I'm so lonely and regretful, I don't know how to get better...
Cali408 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I'm sorry you're going through this. Your second to last paragraph says it all. "under his terms." You lack the self esteem to take charge and end it. I read your first posts from a couple of years ago. You're wasting your life. Have you hit rock bottom? Because if you have, it ends right now. Start by no contact. You need to love yourself. You're suffering from his and your emotional torture. If you were on film watching yourself and someone was hurting you the way you are hurting yourself, would you yell at the tv STOP!? That's it right there. You are a lovely person, tell yourself that. Loving yourself is to forget. Block his number, change your email, disappear from social media. Be like a gopher, go way underground. Loving yourself means, taking care of yourself spiritually and physically. Go workout, pamper yourself. Have a spa day. Then, be grateful for the good moments you have. Everyone has 5 good moments in the day. Write them down at the end of the day. Not speaking to him is one good moment. 1
Author myname Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Thank you I have tried a lot of stuff, been a regular at the gym, see friends a lot, busy social life, plans at work for career progress... But then alone at home I just collapse. I have no children, I don't know if I ever will now, I'm kind of almost beyond the possibility because of my age, and I regret that a lot. I just don't know how to reconcile myself to the mess I've made of my life through this. Right now I'd give anything to have a family of my own and I think I never will and it's hard to accept and it's even harder to accept that I spent the last four years waiting and hoping to have that with someone who obviously never cared for me at all.
Cali408 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 We all make mistakes. This isn't going to change overnight. Just keep doing the right thing and be grateful. Good things happen to those who believe and take action in knowing they are doing the right thing. When you feel alone and weak, call a friend. Volunteer, read, clean the house. Anything that will keep you from dwelling on it. Move somewhere else perhaps. Don't dwell on the past. It's gone. Forgive yourself.
happy stillmore Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 You are a person who does not need anyone else to complete you. Your MM is showing you that this relationship is all about him and his needs. He is not respecting you. If he did, his actions would show it. I know you know this already. I know you deserve more. Rip the band-aid off! Please! I won't lie. It is the hardest, scariest thing you will ever do but do it. ASAP! He is using you. Emotionally abusing you even! YOU ARE BETTER OFF ALONE! I would rather be alone and happy with myself instead of with someone who made me feel even more alone. close the door on him! Get control of YOUR situation. This situation didn't happen to you. He doesn't have a power over you. You control every single aspect of your life. Who you choose to talk to, what food you eat, even what toothpaste you use. Would you choose foods that are poisonous? Poison is toxic your body just like how MM is toxic to your spirit. Be free! You are not alone. We are here for you. 2
Author myname Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Thanks, that is lovely what you say, although right now it makes me cry It's really hard, I feel like I'm giving up on all my dreams of a future, I don't know why I invested these dreams in someone like him, but that's why it's so hard. I think I need to grieve those dreams and all I wanted that will never come to pass and it's just damn painful and tough. If I could go back in time I would never have done this but I can't. Now is a bad time for me.
happy stillmore Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I know exactly what you are feeling. You are exactly right when you say you are grieving. You are grieving what you hoped was your future. This man is not your ONLY hope. BELIEVE ME! I felt the same way but after NC of 3 months, I am realizing the tunnel vision I had. Your life doesn't end with the egocentric loser. Your life is only beginning. There is a whole world of people out there for you to meet. You have more opportunities that I do right now. 2
brittanyanderson Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 oh man I can really relate to a lot of what you're saying. I try to be around my friends a lot and go out to keep busy because that really does make me happy, but when I'm alone, especially at night knowing that they're in the same bed together, that's when it gets ROUGH. I find a lot of comfort knowing that there are so many people here who are going through the same exact emotions as you, so you may feel depressed but you should never feel like you're alone in this en devour. just try to stay strong. I know damn well how it feels to not want to wake up in the morning, purely because of him. I wish I could hug you!
Author myname Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I know exactly what you are feeling. You are exactly right when you say you are grieving. You are grieving what you hoped was your future. This man is not your ONLY hope. BELIEVE ME! I felt the same way but after NC of 3 months, I am realizing the tunnel vision I had. Your life doesn't end with the egocentric loser. Your life is only beginning. There is a whole world of people out there for you to meet. You have more opportunities that I do right now. Thank you. I'd like to know more about your story too, it might help me, cos I feel like I'm a big fat mess and can never get over it Maybe I should look up your posts and see your trajectory, it's good to hear there's life beyond this cos it's so hard to see, and I've been here so many times before, feeling at rock bottom and thinking I can move on from that but I seem to be stuck.
Author myname Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 oh man I can really relate to a lot of what you're saying. I try to be around my friends a lot and go out to keep busy because that really does make me happy, but when I'm alone, especially at night knowing that they're in the same bed together, that's when it gets ROUGH. I find a lot of comfort knowing that there are so many people here who are going through the same exact emotions as you, so you may feel depressed but you should never feel like you're alone in this en devour. just try to stay strong. I know damn well how it feels to not want to wake up in the morning, purely because of him. I wish I could hug you! Thanks sweetie Yeah, there is comfort in knowing I'm not the only fool to get involved with this rubbish It's tough huh? Wishing you all the best too, gosh I hope we can all find a happy life beyond all this.
happy stillmore Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 myname, I went NC in June. If you read my posts, (some are crazy long as I was spilling out my whole life trying to explain why I did what I did). The condensed version, I was lonely in my marriage and wanted to find happiness. I felt connected for the first time in my life to a man and fell hard for him. He and I told our spouses at 1 year. His wife convinced him to try at the marriage but he contacted me two month later. We resumed our relationship for two more years with limited contact. He was not able to leave the house alone or text. Basically, I saw him once a week for lunch and would spend one day together every 6-8 weeks or so. I couldn't stand it anymore, being lonely all of the time while he would grocery shop or go on day trips to visit their daughter at college. She had control of him at all times (he didn't stand up for us). I had to end this relationship for to save my self-respect. I was devastated but something in me told me it was the right thing for me. I still miss what we had but now I realize he was a coward. I was depressed at first. I felt like he was my whole future. I didn't even imagine life without him in it but yet when I asked him to step up to the plate, I knew what he was going to do. Actually, I knew what he was NOT going to do. I think I saved myself years of grief and aggravation. It stinks because he was the one who contacted me after it ended at the one year mark so I thought this was the real deal. Turns out he took the safe road. That is my story. I talk to a therapist about 1-2x/month. I believe this message board has helped me more than any therapy I have received. I have come a long way from June. I was in shock, depressed, angry, you name it. I felt it. I hope this message board helps you. It definitely helped me to know there were others out there in our situation. There are others that have crossed to the other side. I'm slowly getting there. Just try to look at the whole picture as it relates to your life. Don't dwell on the present. Think of your future and the opportunities in store for you.
Author myname Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 myname, I went NC in June. If you read my posts, (some are crazy long as I was spilling out my whole life trying to explain why I did what I did). The condensed version, I was lonely in my marriage and wanted to find happiness. I felt connected for the first time in my life to a man and fell hard for him. He and I told our spouses at 1 year. His wife convinced him to try at the marriage but he contacted me two month later. We resumed our relationship for two more years with limited contact. He was not able to leave the house alone or text. Basically, I saw him once a week for lunch and would spend one day together every 6-8 weeks or so. I couldn't stand it anymore, being lonely all of the time while he would grocery shop or go on day trips to visit their daughter at college. She had control of him at all times (he didn't stand up for us). I had to end this relationship for to save my self-respect. I was devastated but something in me told me it was the right thing for me. I still miss what we had but now I realize he was a coward. I was depressed at first. I felt like he was my whole future. I didn't even imagine life without him in it but yet when I asked him to step up to the plate, I knew what he was going to do. Actually, I knew what he was NOT going to do. I think I saved myself years of grief and aggravation. It stinks because he was the one who contacted me after it ended at the one year mark so I thought this was the real deal. Turns out he took the safe road. That is my story. I talk to a therapist about 1-2x/month. I believe this message board has helped me more than any therapy I have received. I have come a long way from June. I was in shock, depressed, angry, you name it. I felt it. I hope this message board helps you. It definitely helped me to know there were others out there in our situation. There are others that have crossed to the other side. I'm slowly getting there. Just try to look at the whole picture as it relates to your life. Don't dwell on the present. Think of your future and the opportunities in store for you. Thanks for the update, can I ask did you stay with your husband? I left a long term partnership because of my affair, and sometimes I wonder if I made the biggest mistake of my life. I am a very confused person so my previous partner is probably lucky to not be with me anymore but it is something I regret, I mean I regret hurting him and I wonder if we could've got through the rut we were in at the time if I hadn't been so focused on the MM.
KentuckyGent Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Thank you I have tried a lot of stuff, been a regular at the gym, see friends a lot, busy social life, plans at work for career progress... But then alone at home I just collapse. I have no children, I don't know if I ever will now, I'm kind of almost beyond the possibility because of my age, and I regret that a lot. I just don't know how to reconcile myself to the mess I've made of my life through this. Right now I'd give anything to have a family of my own and I think I never will and it's hard to accept and it's even harder to accept that I spent the last four years waiting and hoping to have that with someone who obviously never cared for me at all. I have been in the exact same boat and we are very similar (no kids, wondering if I'll find someone, etc.). I'm only now coming out of the "fog". Not sure I really thought of her today. Lots of steps forward only to go backwards when she does one of her drive-bys and I bite. All I can say is it's getting better. And it will for you too. If she calls again I may break down and answer but no way in hell will I ever initiate after being shown how little I ever meant. Good luck
happy stillmore Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 My name, I am still married but I am working on a divorce. I'm slowly saving money for furniture and a deposit for a place to live. I am planning to move out next summer. I have been married for 20 years and have three children so it is much harder for me to move on. That is what I meant when I said you have more opportunities than I do right now. In a way, it is more depressing to feel trapped in a situation. I would make this all easier to cope with if I was free to live life my way. I realize my cowardice is what led me to have an affair. I didn't see divorce as an option. Now I am stronger and feel I can finally go through a divorce. I am not going to settle in my life like I believe xMM is. I just can't even imagine the rest of my life living in a marriage where I feel so alone. One good thing I learned in this heartbreak is what I want in a partner. Honesty. Consider yourself lucky in a way to be able to move on quicker. You sound young. You have plenty of life ahead of you.
tiernan Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 my name, I know how you feel. I also was in a relationship with mm for 4 years. Don't waste any more time please. I have been NC for a week and a half and it has been the worst experience ever. It is ghastly and I don;t see any future in front of me yet, but deep inside me I know I am doing the right thing. We had an affair for two years (they didn't live together at that time as he was working in my city and she stayed in their hometown) and then we said goodbye as his working post here was finished. After 20 days he sent me an-email saying he want to be with me forever and that he will be free for me and that he want to get old with me. I believed him and agreed. He told his wife that he is leaving and moved out. It last for two more years with his wife constantly on our backs begging him to stay, his three almost grown up children don't talk to him and hate me. The divorce is in progres since february 2012. We have been through so much together and he was always saying we can get through some more. And three weeks ago his wife starts the begging him again and he gets weaker and weaker. I see it and not believe my eyes - he hesitates if he should come back. I am in shock and tell him to go and go NC myself despite of my broken heart. He is not fighting anymore. He is done. But I am not. I suffer beyond imagination. So please stop it now. It will be hardest thing for you, but even if he ever left her, you have no certainty he will not come back to her as they always have guilty feeling about it. Such life is full of uncertainty, dount and constant fear that he will leave. Save yourself darling.
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