I'm thinking of giving up and letting go

[Cheetahs]

My wife maybe soon to be ex wife have been through a lot. I cheated on her with one of my co workers almost 7months ago. Our marriage was falling apart and at its low point. We stopped talking to each other and when I tried to talk to her or wanted her to listen to me, she always ignored me or tuned me down. Our sex life was dull and we haven't had sex in a year. She had two miscarriages and things at work was hectic. Long story short I told my wife about the affair because I felt guilty and couldn't stand to look at her. I went to counseling and she suggested I tell my wife. When I did it broke my heart. The look on her face said it all. She told me she hated me and she never wants to see me again. He filed divorce papers and promised me I would never see our children again. Currently we are living in different homes. However I am still trying to work on our marriage. I gave her all of my passwords to all of my accounts. She has my bank statements calls and visits my job at random times. A few months ago we had sex. I thought she forgave me but it made it worse. After we were done she started crying,cussed me out, and told me she couldn't stand to look at me. She yelled at me to leave so I did. It made me feel horrible. She still wants to have sex but I refused and told her no. Then she accused me of cheating on her again and starts crying. I tried to console her but she tells me to leave and go away. She said some hateful things to me but it always makes me upset when she always brings up the affair. Currently we share custody of the kids but she always tries to use our kids to her advantage. She tells them daddy is a bad man and hurts mommy. She keeps telling hem daddy is a cheater and can't be trusted. When We have disagreements she always brings up the affair. It's like she is holding it over my head and uses it to her advantage. When she does that I feel bad and do whatever she wants me to do right away. Both of us are in counseling. But if my wife doesn't want to work on our marriage and keeps using guilt to get me to do the things she wants me to do, then maybe I will sign the divorce papers. I love me wife with all my heart. She gave me beautiful children, a nice home, and we have been together since college. We created a life together. We were each others first. I love her and my children. But if she wants out then maybe I should just let go. I'm confused on what to do. Can anyone please give me some advice? I usually don't talk about this kind of stuff with strangers but I will listen to any suggestions or advice you may have.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Cheetahs

[ChooseTruth]

Oh no, I'm sorry. She may not be mature enough to recover from something like this. It takes a lot of strength in both parties to recover from infidelity. Trying to set young children against the other parent is an awful thing imo.

 

How did you tell your wife when you told her? Did you say that you loved her? The she was right to be hurt? That you were ashamed? That you would take responsibility? That it was your failing not hers? Did you answer her questions truthfully and fully?

 

These things can make a big difference in her reaction.

 

If you really want to keep trying to work it out, there are good books on the subject, like Divorce Remedy, or one I read about for men trying to win their wive's back. Err that second reference probably wasn't so useful...but shop around

 

But the main thing here is I think you are going to have to be as nice as you can, and at the same time face the reality that you may have to throw the towel in soon. You can't make her get over this(but you can certainly help if she's willing to be helped). It's going to be a crazy process just for her to be sane again whether you split or not. It's one hell of a ride being a BS, especially if you don't have the emotional maturity to deal with such an extreme test.

[waterwoman]

She had 2 miscarriages. You had an affAir 7 months ago. She has had a lot to deal with. You need to be patient, loving, gentle and accepting. For as long as it takes. Or as long as you can take it. But understand, she isn't doing this to punish you, she's doing it because she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't know how to ease her pain and confusion. She lashes out because she thinks it will make it better.

 

 

Is she seeing as counsellor?

[Zenstudent]

My wife maybe soon to be ex wife have been through a lot. I cheated on her with one of my co workers almost 7months ago. Our marriage was falling apart and at its low point. We stopped talking to each other and when I tried to talk to her or wanted her to listen to me, she always ignored me or tuned me down. Our sex life was dull and we haven't had sex in a year. She had two miscarriages and things at work was hectic. Long story short I told my wife about the affair because I felt guilty and couldn't stand to look at her. I went to counseling and she suggested I tell my wife. When I did it broke my heart. The look on her face said it all. She told me she hated me and she never wants to see me again. He filed divorce papers and promised me I would never see our children again. Currently we are living in different homes. However I am still trying to work on our marriage. I gave her all of my passwords to all of my accounts. She has my bank statements calls and visits my job at random times. A few months ago we had sex. I thought she forgave me but it made it worse. After we were done she started crying,cussed me out, and told me she couldn't stand to look at me. She yelled at me to leave so I did. It made me feel horrible. She still wants to have sex but I refused and told her no. Then she accused me of cheating on her again and starts crying. I tried to console her but she tells me to leave and go away. She said some hateful things to me but it always makes me upset when she always brings up the affair. Currently we share custody of the kids but she always tries to use our kids to her advantage. She tells them daddy is a bad man and hurts mommy. She keeps telling hem daddy is a cheater and can't be trusted. When We have disagreements she always brings up the affair. It's like she is holding it over my head and uses it to her advantage. When she does that I feel bad and do whatever she wants me to do right away. Both of us are in counseling. But if my wife doesn't want to work on our marriage and keeps using guilt to get me to do the things she wants me to do, then maybe I will sign the divorce papers. I love me wife with all my heart. She gave me beautiful children, a nice home, and we have been together since college. We created a life together. We were each others first. I love her and my children. But if she wants out then maybe I should just let go. I'm confused on what to do. Can anyone please give me some advice? I usually don't talk about this kind of stuff with strangers but I will listen to any suggestions or advice you may have.

I'm going to be a bit harsh on you, so if you can't take that, skip to the next post.

 

ChooseTruth called your mmm... indiscretion "a test" - I'll reframe it and call it a major betrayal of another persons trust and love, just to be clear. And seven months is absolutely no time to recover from a trauma like this. So if you can't even make it through the first 12 months, I would say that there is no, sip, zero chance that you'll be able to work through this.

 

In your post, I haven't seen one bit where you take responsibility for your betrayal. You say the marriage was at a low, your sex life was boring, your wife wouldn't talk, things at work were bad. Do you really think that those things leads to cheating all by it self? You chose to cheat, now own that choice. It was your choice, and yours alone. A lot of people experience rough times in their life and in their marriage without making the choice to cheat.

 

You confessed by yourself, that's good. You say that you have offered transparancy, which is also good. But it isn't enough, you need to develop tough skin as well, because your wife is probably in the anger phase, and it may get worse than what you see now.

 

What else did I miss in your post? Have you apologized, sincerely, often? Have you done some heavy introspection to find out how you could make a choice like this? Which values and beliefs do you hold that allows you to cheat? Is it "I deserve better" or "my happyness is more important than other peoples happyness", or maybe "it's not that bad, it was just sex"

You need figure out why, and what it's gonna take to prevent yourself from doing it again ever.

 

And last, I would encourage you to educate yourself on the subject, to learn about the damage you have caused, because I'm not quite sure, that you get it - unless you left it out in your post.

 

Read the forums, read some books (maybe "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald) I can recommend others if you need more.

 

But first of all, you need to decide if you want to save your marriage or not, because if you do, you're in for a very rough and long ride. It can be done, but it's definitely not easy.

[Cheetahs]

She had 2 miscarriages. You had an affAir 7 months ago. She has had a lot to deal with. You need to be patient, loving, gentle and accepting. For as long as it takes. Or as long as you can take it. But understand, she isn't doing this to punish you, she's doing it because she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't know how to ease her pain and confusion. She lashes out because she thinks it will make it better.

 

 

Is she seeing as counsellor?

Sometimes she might attend counseling with me. But she says I'm the one with the problem not her.

[Cheetahs]

Oh no, I'm sorry. She may not be mature enough to recover from something like this. It takes a lot of strength in both parties to recover from infidelity. Trying to set young children against the other parent is an awful thing imo.

 

How did you tell your wife when you told her? Did you say that you loved her? The she was right to be hurt? That you were ashamed? That you would take responsibility? That it was your failing not hers? Did you answer her questions truthfully and fully?

 

These things can make a big difference in her reaction.

 

If you really want to keep trying to work it out, there are good books on the subject, like Divorce Remedy, or one I read about for men trying to win their wive's back. Err that second reference probably wasn't so useful...but shop around

 

But the main thing here is I think you are going to have to be as nice as you can, and at the same time face the reality that you may have to throw the towel in soon. You can't make her get over this(but you can certainly help if she's willing to be helped). It's going to be a crazy process just for her to be sane again whether you split or not. It's one hell of a ride being a BS, especially if you don't have the emotional maturity to deal with such an extreme test.

 

I told her in counseling. My counselor said the longer I keep it from her the harder it will be for both of us. So i took her to one of my session, told her I love her and said I cheated on her. She didn't really say anything for a few seconds but then she said that she had an affair too and our youngest child might not be mine. She stormed out and told me she hopes I die and never wanted to see me again. She also said I will never see my kids again. I try to answer any and all of her questions honestly but she just scolds me and tells me to stfu and leave. I keep telling her I'm sorry and I will never ever do this to her ever again but she cusses me out and threw her wedding ring at me.

[ChooseTruth]

I told her in counseling. My counselor said the longer I keep it from her the harder it will be for both of us. So i took her to one of my session, told her I love her and said I cheated on her. She didn't really say anything for a few seconds but then she said that she had an affair too and our youngest child might not be mine. She stormed out and told me she hopes I die and never wanted to see me again. She also said I will never see my kids again. I try to answer any and all of her questions honestly but she just scolds me and tells me to stfu and leave. I keep telling her I'm sorry and I will never ever do this to her ever again but she cusses me out and threw her wedding ring at me.

 

 

Yeah....I don't see this working out. I think you should just lawyer up and get rights to see your kids. The best thing for the kids is to have equal access to both parents unless there's abuse or addiction type things going on.

 

I'm usually pretty hard on WSs just like ZenStudent here said but some of the things you said your BS was doing made me hurt to think about. I've been a BS, I know how it is and that's not how you handle it.

 

I have a feeling the more you talk to her directly the worse it will get. Let your attorney do it.

 

And yes Zen, adultery is a massive betrayal, and an *extreme* test to a BS.

 

Again if you still want to work it out, do some book shopping like we have suggested. There's good material out there. You'll probably need to at least 180. The ideas of the 180 came from the "Divorce Remedy" book btw. In the book "180" is a single technique which means to do the opposite of what you were doing, because obviously what you WERE doing wasn't working.... BUT popular internet culture has taken the term and pretty made the "180" a massive combo of all the techniques she recommends in the book. At least that's how I see it. Semantics aside, I recommend it however you phrase it or divide things up

 

 

Also this is a double betrayal case? Eek. I always feel out of my depths when this happens. So complicated.

Edited September 13, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[Cheetahs]

I'm going to be a bit harsh on you, so if you can't take that, skip to the next post.

 

ChooseTruth called your mmm... indiscretion "a test" - I'll reframe it and call it a major betrayal of another persons trust and love, just to be clear. And seven months is absolutely no time to recover from a trauma like this. So if you can't even make it through the first 12 months, I would say that there is no, sip, zero chance that you'll be able to work through this.

 

In your post, I haven't seen one bit where you take responsibility for your betrayal. You say the marriage was at a low, your sex life was boring, your wife wouldn't talk, things at work were bad. Do you really think that those things leads to cheating all by it self? You chose to cheat, now own that choice. It was your choice, and yours alone. A lot of people experience rough times in their life and in their marriage without making the choice to cheat.

 

You confessed by yourself, that's good. You say that you have offered transparancy, which is also good. But it isn't enough, you need to develop tough skin as well, because your wife is probably in the anger phase, and it may get worse than what you see now.

 

What else did I miss in your post? Have you apologized, sincerely, often? Have you done some heavy introspection to find out how you could make a choice like this? Which values and beliefs do you hold that allows you to cheat? Is it "I deserve better" or "my happyness is more important than other peoples happyness", or maybe "it's not that bad, it was just sex"

You need figure out why, and what it's gonna take to prevent yourself from doing it again ever.

 

And last, I would encourage you to educate yourself on the subject, to learn about the damage you have caused, because I'm not quite sure, that you get it - unless you left it out in your post.

 

Read the forums, read some books (maybe "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald) I can recommend others if you need more.

 

But first of all, you need to decide if you want to save your marriage or not, because if you do, you're in for a very rough and long ride. It can be done, but it's definitely not easy.

 

 

I thought 7months would be enough time for her to forgive me. That's all I want for her to do is forgive me. Of course it's my fault. I made that choice to have the affair. I could've stopped it before it gotten any further but I didn't. I was selfish and only thinking about myself. And because of my actions I lost the most important person to me. I gave her passwords to everything. She has my laptop cellphone etc. She can show up to my job anytime she feels like it. I also gave her keys to my house and car. I did apologize. Over and over. It broke my heart when I told me wife I cheated on her. Our whole entire marriage went down the drain. I buy her flowers, I try taking her out but she says she hates me and can't stand to look at me. So I cook dinner at home and bring it to her but she won't eat it. She throws it away. I do whatever she asks me to do but that isn't good enough for her. I keep telling her I'm sorry but she says if I was so sorry I wouldn't have slept with another woman in our bed.

 

As for the other woman. She was my coworker. At first I didn't really think of it as serious. We only talked at work and it was about work. However a couple of months later, I started talking to her about problems at home. She just went through a breakup a few months back. I felt comfortable talking to her and she understood what I was saying. Soon we went out on lunch breaks and I would buy her things, because she was having a tough time at home too. I still didn't think anything of the relationship. I viewed it as a friendship. Then things started becoming serious. I call/text her to see how she was doing. Or if she wanted to go out for lunch or dinner. We went shopping or just hung put and talked. At this point I was only thinking about myself. I knew I should stopped it right here but I didn't. I was living a double life. I lied to my wife about where I was and had to keep secrets from her. I would go over to her house when I would get mad and just talk about why I was mad. Sometimes I would just invite her over to my house and we would eat or talk when no one was home. Long story short one time when I invited her over we both ended up having sex in my bedroom. I know what I done is wrong and way out of line. Which is why I had to tell my wife. That same night when we were both in bed the same bed I just had an affair in, I felt so guilty. I wanted to tell her that night but couldn't. So I called the other woman and told her what we did was wrong and way out of line. I wanted to breakup the relationship I had with the other woman and told her I was going to tell me wife what happened. She advised me I shouldn't and told me that this wouldn't have happened if my wife cared for me. She said she was the person who really cared about me and was there for hard times. So I went to counseling to talk about what I should do. The counselor said I should tell my wife ASAP because the longer I waited the harder it will become to tell her. She also said I need to break off contact with the other woman. Should i did. But it was hard. The other woman threaten to get me fired from my job and tell my wife before I did. So I wanted to tell my wife before she did. However even now she still tries to contact me. And I want to save my marriage. I love my wife. We built a life together. I don't want to throw that all away. But she keeps telling me she hates me and she can't stand to look at me. I make her sick and she wished she never married a bastard like me. She said if I really want to make her happy is just leave sign the divorce papers sign over full custody of our children, and be with the bitch I had sex with.

[Cheetahs]

Yeah....I don't see this working out. I think you should just lawyer up and get rights to see your kids. The best thing for the kids is to have equal access to both parents unless there's abuse or addiction type things going on.

 

I'm usually pretty hard on WSs just like ZenStudent here said but some of the things you said your BS was doing made me hurt to think about. I've been a BS, I know how it is and that's not how you handle it.

 

I have a feeling the more you talk to her directly the worse it will get. Let your attorney do it.

 

And yes Zen, adultery is a massive betrayal, and an *extreme* test to a BS.

 

Again if you still want to work it out, do some book shopping like we have suggested. There's good material out there. You'll probably need to at least 180. The ideas of the 180 came from the "Divorce Remedy" book btw. In the book "180" is a single technique which means to do the opposite of what you were doing, because obviously what you WERE doing wasn't working.... BUT popular internet culture has taken the term and pretty made the "180" a massive combo of all the techniques she recommends in the book. At least that's how I see it. Semantics aside, I recommend it however you phrase it or divide things up

 

 

Also this is a double betrayal case? Eek. I always feel out of my depths when this happens. So complicated.

But she keeps wanting to have sex with me. I thought she forgave me when we had sex a few months ago. But she didn't. She still tries to have sex with me but I always turn her down. Then she starts crying and accuses me of cheating again.

[ChooseTruth]

But she keeps wanting to have sex with me. I thought she forgave me when we had sex a few months ago. But she didn't. She still tries to have sex with me but I always turn her down. Then she starts crying and accuses me of cheating again.

So if you are trying to heal the marriage, why do you turn her down?

[Cheetahs]

So if you are trying to heal the marriage, why do you turn her down?

I'm afraid I'm hurting her I stead of helping her. The last time we had sex it was amazing but afterward she starting crying cussed me out and told me to leave.

[Artie Lang]

sounds like this was/is a dealbreaker for her. as for the sex, it sounds like she's confused. initially, she might need the physical intimacy, but then the affair rears its ugly head again.

 

 

what are you doing in terms of this OW being your co-worker? you need to make it clear to her you don't want any part of it anymore, unless you're still undecided..... are you?

 

is this woman married or in a relationship?

[Coolit]

If she really had an affair and didn't just say that to hurt you then she has no legs to stand on. Not saying it cancels what you did just saying it is a classic rubber glue situation. And no bs should ever say or do what she is doing with the kids. It is harmful to them. While you may need to give up on her fight for your kids. Because later they will be able to make their own decision but if you walk away they will hold that agains you for possibly ever.

[harrybrown]

Try to see if she will go to counseling with you again. Maybe the counselor can help to provide a path for your future.

[Cheetahs]

sounds like this was/is a dealbreaker for her. as for the sex, it sounds like she's confused. initially, she might need the physical intimacy, but then the affair rears its ugly head again.

 

 

what are you doing in terms of this OW being your co-worker? you need to make it clear to her you don't want any part of it anymore, unless you're still undecided..... are you?

 

is this woman married or in a relationship?

 

She doesn't work with me anymore. However she still tries to call, message, and Facebook me. I told her I love my wife and its over between us. She just broke down and started crying. She was in a relationship. I don't know if she is now. I don't contact her but I do miss talking to her.

[Cheetahs]

If she really had an affair and didn't just say that to hurt you then she has no legs to stand on. Not saying it cancels what you did just saying it is a classic rubber glue situation. And no bs should ever say or do what she is doing with the kids. It is harmful to them. While you may need to give up on her fight for your kids. Because later they will be able to make their own decision but if you walk away they will hold that agains you for possibly ever.

 

She said she would never do that to me. I have been the only man she ever slept with. She said that because that was the first thing that came to her mind when I told her.

[Cheetahs]

Try to see if she will go to counseling with you again. Maybe the counselor can help to provide a path for your future.

 

I told her she should go. She said there is nothing wrong with her and I'm the problem. The few times she did go she didn't say anything. She sat and listened and when the session was over she started crying and yelling how could I do this to her.

[ladydesigner]

I told her she should go. She said there is nothing wrong with her and I'm the problem. The few times she did go she didn't say anything. She sat and listened and when the session was over she started crying and yelling how could I do this to her.

 

Well yes I would agree that you are the problem. Right now your wife is questioning her whole life/M with you and whether she really 'knows' who you are. I am 18 months out from DDay and I have not forgiven my WH yet. We are in R and still have major ups and downs. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity and that is with a remorseful spouse who has given their BS full transparency (all passwords, checking phone, gps, etc), going to counseling, yada yada, and maintaining NC with the OW. I made my WH fire MOW, his employee (even with the risk of a sexual harassment suit).

 

You need IC and your wife needs IC (your own counselors). I do not think MC is a wise idea at this point especially if you have not taken sole responsibility for your A and place no blame on your BS for your A.

[crepesuzette]

Hi there...i am a FWS...dday was about 4 years ago...i have been NC with MOM 3.5 years...my BH and I are R'ing..my A broke every part of him...but he has told me he has NEVER stopped loving me and he and I work every day to heal. I am there for him whenever he triggers...I have tried to be SO attentive that I do work and plan ahead to help him avoid them if it is possible. He has happy days now and tells me he has NEVER regretted staying.

Yes it was hard in the beginning...but when he comes home to me every day and says seeing my face and giving me a HUGE hug makes his day worth it...I know he means it..i am greatful every day thatwe have faced our issues with communicating before the A...through my IC I have torn myself apart and put myself back together and I now know I always loved my H..i was broken and needed validation...unfortunately my friendship with MOM and his flirting and compliments for the previous 20 years made the perfect storm for an A. Now We put our M and our kids before EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. We STILL go to MC Every two weeks...our MC believes in us and says she has NEVER seen a stronger more commited BH or a more patient and loving and remorseful FWS...it wasnt until about 6 months ago when we TRULY believed we would make it. Hang in there...you can make it too.