midlifecrisis Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Hi everyone, here's my situation: I have been dating a wonderful woman with self-admitted commitment issues. It has been a roller-coaster year. When we get close, she experiences anxiety and pulls back, which triggers insecurities in me, then I get freaked out and make the situration worse. Once I'm able to work through my excruciating feelings, pull back to protect myself, she starts moving towards me again because she doesn't feel trapped any longer. A circular situation! Her commitment issues stem from a 15 year marriage to a man who repeatedly cheated on her. I don't really believe that she's a classic permanent commitment phobic person -- although her current symptoms have that written all over her. In fact, over the year, we have become increasingly close and intimate, and every now-and-again, have some discussions on getting married, where we'd live, etc. Anyway, we are coming upon our 1 year anniversary. I love her dearly, and she professes her love for me all the time. Over all, she is slowly moving closer to me and it feels great. I have a few significant issues, though, and these really bother me to my core from time to time: 1. She still hasn't invited me in to her close social circle -- because the thought of that implies permanency -- which freaks her out. 2. She also cannot agree definitavely to be exclusive with me dating-wise (she has agreed to be sexually exclusive). She even has gone on a few dates at the urging of her friends. She characterizes herself as being "80% sure of us" and slowly moving in the positive direction. I have once again hit a breaking point. I had too much to drink last night and wrote her a note that basically point-blank asks for her 100% commitment to seeing us succeed. I did not give an ultimatum, but I made it perfectly clear that her not committing is driving me crazy, and I just can't continue going on like that. I know that this note is more likely to drive her away than it is to accomplish anything, so I sent a follow-up note (and left a v-mail) backing down just a little -- affirming that I love her and want to work this out with her. But -- at a year, am I doing myself a disservice? Again, I love her tremendously -- and my heart-aches at the thought of getting to a "no turning back" point. Its the holidays, our year-anniversary is coming up, and she's supposed to go away with me to meet my family. I sooooo don't want to blow this prematurely, yet I am so torn. I'm sure there isn't any sure-fire answers, but hearing your thoughts will help me.
moimeme Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 You can abandon this relationship and then go on to second-bests and kick yourself for not persevering or else you can afford to wait for her if she's the treasure you think she is. Pull yourself up short by imagining the regret you'll feel if you goof up and lose her.
Author midlifecrisis Posted November 20, 2004 Author Posted November 20, 2004 She hasen't yet responded to e-mails or v-mails. I may have really pushed her a bit too far this time. I just get so emotionally drained by this. I'm highly anxious, becoming dysfunctional, and it makes insecurities I never knew I had before her (jealousy, feelings I'm not good enough, etc.) come to the surface. Especially the jealousy. She's an incredibly gorgeous woman, and men fall all over themselves to get her attention. I guess I just don't have a personality that deals with this easily. My main question is how long does one wait before deciding that things may never change? 6 months, 1 year, 2 years? I'm starting to feel that I actually may be making myself to appear as "less of a man" in her eyes by constantly pining to have her back when she pulls away. Sometimes I feel that I should just get some balls and put my foot down. Regarding whether or not I believe she actually *is* "the one?" I'd have to say yes, except for some unknowns that only can be analyzed once we start spending more significant time together. One unknown is around the fact that she's used to *much* more money than I have. In fact, there may be some "class mismatch" issues that are preventing her from inviting me to her friends' parties. The last two dates she went on with others were with *extremely* wealthy men. She doesn't have the personality type to prevent her from enjoying me for who I am, but I know that contemplating being permanently with a man "a few rungs down the ladder" is something that concerns her. The other unknown is just how comfortable she is with someone who is more introverted than she is used to. It is close to the money thing -- the type of people she has associated with are high-powered, wealthy, type-A individuals. Will I survive in her social circles? I might be over-analyzing -- this happens when we enter periods of non-communication like the one I just caused. Oh well.
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