Baby123 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 So, a little recap. Me and MM had a short A, MM left BS for me, im 20 years younger. We moved in 5 days a week together, and things were great although we had lots of arguments surrounding our age gap and me moving away for work. He didn't want to hold me back. Then the BS became suicidal, took an OD and MM's kids begged him to go back. Same with his mother, and all of his friends. MM missed living with his children and doing the day to day stuff as he was a very hands on parent. I went travelling when all this went on and came back and one night MM broke the news to me. We carried on seeing eachother and he spoiled and loved me even more, taking me on trips, buying me more gifts and having sex constantly whilst taking the BS on once a week cinema trips.The BS chooses to ignore us still seeing eachother and calls me his 'thing that he ignores her for.' Anywho MM works 7 days a week and needed a holiday, he couldn't take the kids without the bs so now hes there with them. Weve been nc on my request. He gets back tomorrow and I just don't know what to expect. I know me and him have no future, the age gap is to big and he has so much baggage and my family wont be supportive but i miss him. I am so addicted to him. I really want him to come back and says he loves me and there over but i know it wont happen as he wants his family back so much. I know speaking to him will reopen this pandoras box and we'll end up sleeping together and he will stop putting in effort to reconcile Sorry for the rant.
velvette Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Your post is so full of contradictions I don't know where to start. Basically take every sentence you wrote and read it dispassionately as if it were someone else and you would see that it just does not pass the smell test. Bottom line.......don't you think you've hurt this family enough for something that is never going to amount to anything? Time to move on with your own life and stop hurting them and yourself. 1
MissBee Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I think NC should be permanent. If you have no future for reasons even outside of the A, the best thing for you to do is start the process of detaching. I do get it's not easy. I've been through the process myself of separating from a person/relationship, but I did eventually make it through to the other side for the better. It did start with investing in NC though and not continuously engaging with them in a mess of a relationship. He has lots to tend to...do you have stuff on your plate? If so, focus on that, if not, get some! This will help you to invest your time in yourself and your life and get less and less addicted to him and his. It's not easy or magic but you have to make the effort and start somewhere.
Author Baby123 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Thank you so much for your responses guys, very appreciated. I understand that we both need to move on, but it seems so unfair that the BS could do that and get rewarded. I know she must have been very low but it hurts, as we would not have broken up then and we would have tried to make our relationship work despite me having moved for work. I love him so much, but they do too its been like tug of war for so long, and as much as I will ultimately want him to be happy as I want to be a good friend to him, right now its to much for me to stomach. I just don't know if im strong enough to do no contact, I want to be friends he hasn't really done anything wrong.
snowflakes88 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 It seems "unfair" that another woman poked her nose into your relationship? Rich. 1
crederer Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 You're trusting everything he says but his actions are untrustworthy..... Everything you just posted suggests he sees you purely for sex. Sorry to be harsh but it's the truth. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 If you truly love him and respect him, you will not sleep with him, contact him or start the affair again. His family now has to come first. You talk about addictive feelings etc, that is not a healthy true kind of love. Deep down you know this. Anyway, please leave him alone and let yourself heal. Grieve the loss and wish him well so he can be happy with his family. It hurts and I'm sorry for your pain but for your own sake, let him be.
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Thank you so much for your responses guys, very appreciated. I understand that we both need to move on, but it seems so unfair that the BS could do that and get rewarded. I know she must have been very low but it hurts, as we would not have broken up then and we would have tried to make our relationship work despite me having moved for work. I love him so much, but they do too its been like tug of war for so long, and as much as I will ultimately want him to be happy as I want to be a good friend to him, right now its to much for me to stomach. I just don't know if im strong enough to do no contact, I want to be friends he hasn't really done anything wrong. That's his wife, the woman he said vows to, gave birth to his kids, he built a life with her and obviously loves or did love her enough to marry her. He is obligated to her and his reasons are HIS as to why he chose to go back. Like it or not, it's out of your hands. You cannot be friends with him, you are a cancer and a threat to his marriage, as well as it'll do damage to you. You can't be 'friends' with someone you're in love with and had an A with. It just won't work and it'll prevent you from letting go, giving up hope and also you will never allow another man close to you on ALL levels if he is still in your life. You're young and just starting out in life. You want a boyfriend, someone you can have all to yourself..Well, he can't give that to you. Let go, give up hope, let yourself grieve and cry... It's the only choice you have. or you can sit there and wish/hope meanwhile he goes on with his life and you stay stuck, alone and waiting for table scraps.
darkmoon Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 wasting your pretty years, move on dear, this guy is not up to much, you could catch many an eye, you sound fairly young yet 2
Author Baby123 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Yes he did say vows to her, but everyone has a choice to leave. People don't always marry the right person, and he did stay for his children. My mm left her, he told her straight. I just think suicide attempts are very underhand. He doesn't want either of us to be blamed if she does it again which he believes she will. Im not hating on the BS im just saying that unless she used EXSTREME tactics she would not have had him back. Also re the sex thing, sex is a big part of our relationship but its never been about that, MM wanted to marry me, he bought me a very expensive ring.
Author Baby123 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Also thank you for all of the replies, especially the harsh ones as I need to let go and for his sake let him reconcile. I just don't get why he came into my life it must be so we can be good friends to eachother.
Calcmag Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Yes he did say vows to her, but everyone has a choice to leave. People don't always marry the right person, and he did stay for his children. My mm left her, he told her straight. I just think suicide attempts are very underhand. He doesn't want either of us to be blamed if she does it again which he believes she will. Im not hating on the BS im just saying that unless she used EXSTREME tactics she would not have had him back. Also re the sex thing, sex is a big part of our relationship but its never been about that, MM wanted to marry me, he bought me a very expensive ring. Were you actually there to see and hear for yourself the 'extreme tactics' that she used? I'm asking because in this scenario, MM have a tendency to make the wife out to be either a 'money grabbing b*tch' who will take all of 'his' money in a divorce OR she's unstable, ie a 'psycho b*tch'. They tend to embellish their leaving stories to make it sound as if they can't possibly leave or stay gone. Why do they do this? Well because OW believes them, just like you do. I heard the same thing from my MM at one point - and I wasn't pushing him to leave - and many others have heard it too. MM may have bought you a very expensive ring, but he didn't actually really want to marry you. He would be divorced now if that was the case. Let it go. Find someone who is actually free and available if you want to be married. You could end up wasting all your best years with this MM.
Author Baby123 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 I saw and heard enough evidence to know he was telling the truth from mm and his children. I know I have to move on, I'm just finding it hard to. I don't even know what to say to him when he rings me when he gets back. I think I'm going to just cry and stay quiet, otherwise I would end up telling him how much I love him and how great we are together blah blah blah. This is so much harder then a regular break up.
Calcmag Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I saw and heard enough evidence to know he was telling the truth from mm and his children. I know I have to move on, I'm just finding it hard to. I don't even know what to say to him when he rings me when he gets back. I think I'm going to just cry and stay quiet, otherwise I would end up telling him how much I love him and how great we are together blah blah blah. This is so much harder then a regular break up. Well, seeing it and hearing it directly does put you in the lowest percentile amongst us who have heard this sort of crap from MM. You'd be amazed how many of them make very wild claims about their wives... Still, he's chosen to be with his BW and his children. You have a choice. You either continue being second best with him, catching whatever crumbs he throws your way, or you choose to leave him and find someone who wants to be with you. Why is it harder than a regular break up? You say it was a 'short A'? How long did it last? The shorter it was the easier it is to walk away, believe me.
velvette Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 You talked before about moving for your career. Why don't you do that and take yourself out of this mess? If you don't look out for your best interest no one else will. 1
Author Baby123 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 It was only 2 months from when we met until he moved out (would have been less as I told him from our second date he had to leave but it was over the Xmas period) we have been in an out in the open relationship for 8.5 months since then so nearly a year all together- plus the living together. I have moved and started my new job but I can't help but feel lonley and miss mm. He hasn't moved in with the bs, he's still living by himself. He has got back from holiday and been bombarding me with love saying he wants me and can't go back to her.
velvette Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Well then, tell him to leave you be go get his divorce and give you a call when its all done. 1
Calcmag Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 He has got back from holiday and been bombarding me with love saying he wants me and can't go back to her. Perhaps she's told him she doesn't WANT him back? If my H had hurt me so much that I became suicidal, I'm not sure I'd be taking him back now several months after. Is this a case of you no longer really wanting him now that you've 'got' him ? I understand about the age difference causing issues and arguing etc. But perhaps a large part of the attraction for you was that he was married? I'm guessing he's possibly in his early to mid 40's given the 20 year age difference you referred to. He probably thought that once he was 'free' of the BW he'd have lots of early 20's women like yourself falling at his feet. He's fast learning that the world post break up of a marriage isn't quite what he had thought it would be. He's lost his marriage and now he's losing you and it can be cold and lonely for the newly single middle aged - of course he's bombarding you.
SunsetRed Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 Well, seeing it and hearing it directly does put you in the lowest percentile amongst us who have heard this sort of crap from MM. You'd be amazed how many of them make very wild claims about their wives... Still, he's chosen to be with his BW and his children. You have a choice. You either continue being second best with him, catching whatever crumbs he throws your way, or you choose to leave him and find someone who wants to be with you. Why is it harder than a regular break up? You say it was a 'short A'? How long did it last? The shorter it was the easier it is to walk away, believe me. I'll answer this question...why is a break up with an mm harder than a regular break up? It is harder and that's because when you break up w the unattached single guy, you both go back to your single status. When you break up w a married man or when a separated man goes back to his wife, you go back to being single, but he goes back to being someone's husband. He returns to being a husband to a wife and we are left alone wishing he couldbe been our husband. It does hurt more, not sure if its the karma we get for having messed w him in the first place or if its just a consequence of having messed with someone unavailable.
Calcmag Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I'll answer this question...why is a break up with an mm harder than a regular break up? It is harder and that's because when you break up w the unattached single guy, you both go back to your single status. When you break up w a married man or when a separated man goes back to his wife, you go back to being single, but he goes back to being someone's husband. He returns to being a husband to a wife and we are left alone wishing he couldbe been our husband. It does hurt more, not sure if its the karma we get for having messed w him in the first place or if its just a consequence of having messed with someone unavailable. Well thanks for the explanation. I've been there myself so I know about some of the factors that make it harder, but I wanted to know why the OP herself was finding it particularly difficult. Also this MM hasn't gone back to his BW, according to OP. OP said it was a very short A and IMO that should make things a bit easier. Mine lasted 10 years on and off and eventually we were both single but it was still horrible to get over. I still have days when I struggle. Baby, why are you finding it so difficult? Is it becase it feels addictive (I think you mentioned this earlier). That was what I struggled with the most. Or is it for other reasons?
Author Baby123 Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 (edited) The bs has made it clear she wants him back regardless of what he's done- otherwise she wouldn't have went on holiday- I've seen plenty of messeges from her begging for him back. I think it's hard because I love him, he loves me, and neither of us want to break up or finish, it's like we're being forced. It's hard because he makes me feel wanted and loved like no one else and he's the first man I've ever lived with and in that respect our relationship was brilliant. I've moved about 2 hours away but it's a capital city so not easy to drive to and from. So Mm got back- literally first thing he did was messege me and tell me how much he f'd up and how sorry he is. He's reconciling for the wrong reasons it's to make other people happy but it makes him so sad, he can't do it he can't loose me. I wasn't having any of it- requested no contact, he kept messeging me telling me how sorry he is, how much he loves me. I asked if they had sex, he said no. Then called me, as I had deleted his number I didn't know it was him. He asked where I was, I told him at the station. He said wait there he'll drive me to my parents (5 hour drive, 10 hours there and back) He came and he was in tears. So I ended up holding him. He has said that he needs a break from both of us to decide whats he needs to do he doesn't want to mess anyone around anymore. He shouldn't HAVE to go back. Edited September 14, 2013 by Baby123
Author Baby123 Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 You said he wanted to take his kids on a trip, but couldnt do it alone therefore his W had to come on the trip too? Makes little sense to me - Why is he incapable of taking them on vacation alone? How far away did you move for your job? Because following her suicide attempt he promised to reconcile, and taking away his kids and not her does not signal a reconciling man. About 2 hours away but it's a capital city so not easy to drive to and from. Also mm doesn't want a part time gf but then doesn't want me to give up this opportunity.
Author Baby123 Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 I'll answer this question...why is a break up with an mm harder than a regular break up? It is harder and that's because when you break up w the unattached single guy, you both go back to your single status. When you break up w a married man or when a separated man goes back to his wife, you go back to being single, but he goes back to being someone's husband. He returns to being a husband to a wife and we are left alone wishing he couldbe been our husband. It does hurt more, not sure if its the karma we get for having messed w him in the first place or if its just a consequence of having messed with someone unavailable. I think this is definitely part of the case, great post. He counters this with the fact that he's going back to something he doesn't love, and he will have a life of pleasing others, whereas I have the opportunity to find love again.
Author Baby123 Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 What is BS? Anyway doesnt matter. I have to be real with you. I dont know but im so surprise how people open topics about MM and being the OW asking for advice to keep the affair going on or for self pitty etc,even more then people that are the wife or husband that is suffering because of this. I think OW/OM have really low self esteem. For them to think trips, sex, and gifts is enough for a good relationship. You need to realize that it was wrong for you to mess or even allow yourself to grow feelings for a men that was not single,let alone having sex etc. You knew that he wasn't single, wasn't yours, belongs to his wife, he is a dad, you are breaking in his family situation etc. So him leaving now shouldn't be a surprise for you. And being much younger then him, only makes me think that he was after a young va ya ya just for the adventure of the sex. Its over, get a lesson out of it and work on your self esteem and dont ever mess with men that are not single. Its not good for you and anybody. And a men that try or cheat with you, never value you the right way. Because its all about lust. Beside the ring is on his wifes finger. Not yours. So he dont have responsibility with you. I don't know if I have low self esteem as I told him from day 1- leave or loose me and he had a very short timeline in which to get out. Tbh I wasn't even in love with him at that stage, I just did not like the idea of sharing or crumbs. when I fell in love with him was when we had an out in the open relationship and we built a life together.
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