Completely at rock bottom

[lostatm]

Hi everyone, I really need to vent/talk to people and this seems a good way of doing it. Before I start, I know I got myself into a risky relationship but I really don't want to be judged :-)

 

So my story is this, cut down!

 

I became friends with a guy from work. Just friends, nothing outside of work and we got on well. Over time I realised we probably did have a connection but due to the fact he was married, knew that nothing would happen and to carry on with life and dating.

 

He came to me and told me that he had feelings for me, that he was unhappy in his marriage and asked how I felt. I was honest in telling him I believed we did have a connection, but that nothing would ever happen due his marital situation. Over time (a few weeks) he continued to tell me that he was so unhappy in his marriage that he was leaving. He knew what he had to do and was doing it for himself. He wanted to meet me outside of work which I refused and said that until he was officially separated we could not be any more than friends at work. He flitted for a while with what he was doing and I told him I was going to remove myself from the situation and carry on with my life.

 

He proceeded to turn up at my flat (he knew my address because we has some charity flyers sent there) - and told me he was moving out of his marital home and he knew what he wanted.

 

I did support him where I could and when he needed it including finding a new flat and moving him in. I know it was very quick to be doing this but I genuinely saw him as a very good friend whom I was developing feeling for him.

 

That was 2 months ago and since then it has been a living nightmare. One week living in his flat he went back to his wife due to anxiety with work and told me he didn't think he could be a relationship. I was sad but understood. He then text and asked me to meet him and he said he did want to be with me but needed me to be patient. He moved back into his flat, this time with a prescription of antidepressants. He claimed he never should have gone back and the whole time he was there he had been sick to the core about losing me.

 

I believed this man was severely depressed and wanted to help as much as I could. We were having sex throughout and he claimed that his wife was now moving on with sorting out the house and had even looked at dating websites, it was civil and he always believed it would happen. He claimed that he knew he never should have married her but the only reason they got together was because his Mum had passed away and she had been there for him and he was unable to break away from that comfort and familiarity. He told me his was in love with me and could see us being together for a long time. He and his wife only have their 2 dogs in common, they have separate interests and no children.

 

The relationship panned out to be very emotional draining and at times emotionally abusive. I found out three weeks ago that throughout the whole relationship he has been going back and forth to his wife, sleeping with her and lying to me about the whole situation. There were a few times that he said he was unsure about how he felt about me but never once said he has regrets over leaving his wife. He claimed his depression had got so bad that he was feeling detached from me and not able to make any decisions.

 

The worst week was when he claimed he just needed support from me as a friend and wasn't sure if it was a healthy time to be in a relationship which I agreed. He said there was no chance of any reconciliation with his wife but he needed to get better. I continued to support him with his counselling and spending time with him each evening to make sure he was ok. When the weekend came round we talked and decided to take things really slowly but not to continue pushing me away. We spent the weekend together and he left Sunday with an agreement that he would pick me Monday to go to the gym. He never picked me up and instead went back to his old home for the night. I knew he had because my friend had seen him. When I asked him where he had been after being ignored for 2 days he claimed he had been hiding away from everything and his anxiety and depression had got very high that day.

 

I knew that I should have walked then but I was very low myself and he still hadn't told me he was back with his wife. He continued to say that he went back to see the dogs and that he did miss the old area that he lived in. When I confronted him in person he had nothing to say, he wanted to talk to me about it but just stared at the floor. He didn't apologise or show any remorse. I told him that he was selfish, self absorbed and basically highlighted some home truths which is really didn't like. He told me that he could never be with me if that was how I saw him and the following day said he loved me but no more than a friends. This surprised me as up until two days prior to this he claimed that despite what I thought he both loved me and was in love me. He also claimed that I was 'aggressive' and being with me was 'draining' All I had ever done was support him and the couple o times I did snap at him (and apologised) was because I was also emotionally tired but was getting nothing in terms of support from him. He was incredibly selfish and everything revolved around him. I do regret snapping at him but I was genuinely fed up and I constantly felt completely inadequate.

 

I didn't contact him for two days and saw my friends. I was going to proceed with NC. He text me on the Monday asking how I was and that he missed me. He asked me to support him with his counselling and because I was so low and guilt ridden from the things I had said him, I agreed. I asked him why he hasn't asked his wife to support him and he said he didn't want her support and the only person he wanted there was me. We continued to see each other that week and for the for the first time actually saw I was struggling and offered to support me. He came round to mine and helped me out with some things and ended up staying the night. We has sex twice. The next day was the last day I saw him. That is when I asked him what his plans were for the weekend and he said he was going away for a weekend. It turns out he had planned to spend the weekend with his wife and dogs. He had also spent the weekend there the previous week, and then proceeded to have sex with me. When the whole truth was revealed I was very upset and angry yet remained calm, through probable shock. I told him that how he was treated both his wife and me was horrific and that he was a controlling, manipulative man. I was so angry that what I had had an affair without consenting it.

 

At this point and for the next few days I was at rock bottom, angry with him for treating me like this and angry with myself for allowing him to do this. I asked he if we could talk but he said that he needed space. He has since told me that the things I had said to him had made him consider killing himself and that those things had made him feel very low, within two days he was staying back with his wife so he wasn't on his own.

 

I have since changed my number and have not had any contact, I know I must sound incredibly pathetic and naïve but I guess I just fell in love and bought into his story. Although our relationship developed quickly I never wanted an affair and continually asked if he was happy with his decision. I want to believe that this is just a nice guy who dug himself a hole and couldn't get out but part of me also thinks he has some serious personality issues.

 

I guess I'm just confused:

 

- Why would a man move out (everything into storage and a flat) and buy a new car if he wasn't serious about leaving a marriage?

- He claimed that if he had told me he had 'concerns' about his decision, I would have left. Yes, I would have, but is that a good enough reason to lie through omission and deceive someone?

- Apart from a text saying he was sorry he had messed things up, why didn't he show any remorse for his actions? How can you claim to be in love with someone and then detach yourself so quickly whilst also stating I had driven HIM to suicidal thoughts>

- Has he gone back because he loves his wife or because its the safer option?

- If he has gone back because of love, why was he still stringing me along up until the day I forced the truth? If he wife was so important to him, why not go back as soon as you know you have made a mistake?

- How can someone be that cold and use me? He knew I loved him and knew he was lying about his plans?

- Does his wife deserve to know the truth? I have no reason to think he would tell her the truth. I believe she is supporting him with him continuing to use his 'depression' as a crutch. I have no doubt he is stressed but the guy was going to the gym for 2 hours each day, mountain biking and had enough energy to have sex with two people.

 

Sorry to go on x:sick:

Edited September 12, 2013 by lostatm

[hollyhillcourt]

Your story sounds so familiar, except for the part of how it started. My MM used his confusion and depression to basically do the same thing. He has yo-yo'd so many times that I finally had to tell him to never say "I don't know" to me again. He does know or he wouldn't have started this mess. His reasoning is, he doesn't want to hurt his two grown daughters, be the bad guy to his friends and lose a bunch of $$$. The sad part is that I let myself become his therapist, with daily pep talks. I feel your pain. He clearly is a confused person, it's best to let his wife pick up the pieces, that's what I am telling myself. At least mine has admitted to being selfish, which is what an A is all about.

 

Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Quiet Storm]

The answer to all your questions is that this man has issues that have nothing to do with you OR his wife.

 

 

- Why would a man move out (everything into storage and a flat) and buy a new car if he wasn't serious about leaving a marriage?

 

At that moment in time he wanted to leave his marriage, but those feelings were fleeting.

 

- He claimed that if he had told me he had 'concerns' about his decision, I would have left. Yes, I would have, but is that a good enough reason to lie through omission and deceive someone?

 

He doesn't need a reason to lie and deceive someone. He lies because he can. He lies because it's easier than telling the truth. He lies so that he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions.

 

-

Apart from a text saying he was sorry he had messed things up, why didn't he show any remorse for his actions? How can you claim to be in love with someone and then detach yourself so quickly whilst also stating I had driven HIM to suicidal thoughts>

Again, his feelings are fleeting. He does not love consistently. He loves you when it benefits him to love you. He also uses his depression, anxiety, suicide threats to control & to get sympathy.

 

- Has he gone back because he loves his wife or because its the safer option?

He probably went back because he loves his wife- but remember- his love is not consistent or reliable.

 

- If he has gone back because of love, why was he still stringing me along up until the day I forced the truth? If he wife was so important to him, why not go back as soon as you know you have made a mistake?

He has low self worth and realizes that he is not a good partner, not a good "catch". He doesn't want to be alone so he has to have a Plan B.

 

- How can someone be that cold and use me? He knew I loved him and knew he was lying about his plans?

Many people in this world do not consider the feelings of others. He is too wrapped up in himself to worry about other people's feelings.

 

- Does his wife deserve to know the truth? I have no reason to think he would tell her the truth. I believe she is supporting him with him continuing to use his 'depression' as a crutch. I have no doubt he is stressed but the guy was going to the gym for 2 hours each day, mountain biking and had enough energy to have sex with two people.

 

 

Yes, his wife deserves to know the truth. However, I am sure she has figured out by now that he is a really messed up person that needs help. She has been dealing with this person for many years. This is probably just the newest in a long line of problems resulting from his issues. She is probably trying to manage him the best she can, and honoring her "better for worse" "sickness & in health" vow. He uses his depression as a crutch, but that does not negate the fact that this man has mental illness or a personality disorder.

 

There is no logic to find here, as he is not a logical thinker. It sounds as if he lives day to day, letting whatever emotions he was having that day dictate his course of action.

 

So one day he wants to be married, the next day he wants sex with you, the next day he's apologizing to his wife, the next day he's making up with you. It's all about HIM and what he's feeling.

 

He does not care what effect his behavior has on those he claims to love. He only cares when the consequences affect him.

 

You need to protect yourself from people like him. They will hurt you, use you and drag you down.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[happy stillmore]

"I have no doubt he is stressed but the guy was going to the gym for 2 hours each day, mountain biking and had enough energy to have sex with two people."

 

 

I am thinking he has BIPOLAR disorder and is in manic phase. Those with bipolar disorder can be self-centered and sex-crazed. He probably was cycling fast between depression and mania. Often people with bipolar who are not diagnosed, if given antidepressants, the meds can make them manic.

 

I would look at him as not being of sound mind to make decisions. I know it still hurts because he played with your emotions. He needs to see a psychiatrist for the right meds if he does have bipolar.

[lostatm]

Thanks for the reply. I do agree, there are signs of bipolar for sure. Would that explain the reason he made such a rash decision with regards to leaving, renting a flat, buying a car etc? He has always exercised and uses it as a crutch, but I guess if you are severely depressed you don't have the energy to do that? There were many times that he was completely normal, calm almost - which is why I assumed he was probably emotional about leaving, but had ultimately made the right decision.

 

I thought maybe a Borderline Personality Disorder? He had experienced a fairly rough childhood and his Mum died when he was 27 from Cancer which I think is why he may suffer from 'depression'. Bu does that excuse people for lying, deceiving and manipulating me?

[spiderowl]

Did any of his behaviour indicate that he could empathise at all? I suspect not.

 

I am sorry you have been through all this. The guy seems incredibly unreliable and mixed up, if not mentally weird. Do you know any of his friends, anyone who knows a bit about the history of this guy? It's possible he's done this before.

 

I'm sad you got hurt and I feel sorry for his wife, having to put up with him. She probably knows more about what's gone on than you think.

 

Maybe you need to be tougher and keep way from this guy, don't fall for his claims to need your support. He might well need it, but you are not his therapist and he has misled you and been manipulative. He has problems you can't resolve.

[lostatm]

[sIZE=5][COLOR=#990000]spiderowl[/COLOR][/sIZE]

 

Thank you for replying. I guess he didn't show much empathy at all no. In fact when he admitted he had been sleeping with his wife throughout the whole thing, the only apology I got was in a text and I believe that was probably because he was scared I might tell her.

 

He met some of my family but he wanted to wait a while before I met his - now I know it was because I was being kept a secret. I feel genuinely sick that this turned out to be an affair, I would never have entered it had I know he was going back and forth and I cant imagine how his wife must cope.

 

I'm being strong and changed my phone number. There were times that he did say he just wanted me as a friend until he got sorted with counselling but my friendship with him was based on him being separated, I didn't want an EA and to be part of a triangle.

[Patrice]

Get out now ..

[Patrice]

They never leave .. he is USING you, and you deserve more that to be used by a man who has no intention of leaving a marriage. They will say anything .. in the end, you are not moving on to a healthy relationship with other men .. and that's what they hate the worst.

[Downtown]

There are signs of bipolar for sure.... I thought maybe a Borderline Personality Disorder?

Lost, he might have strong traits of both disorders. About a third of BPDers also have bipolar. If you are interested, I describe 12 differences between the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-14.html#post4754080.

 

Of course, you will not be able to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless will be able to spot the warning signs (i.e., symptoms) for both disorders if you take time to read about the red flags. Doing so will help you avoid future toxic relationships with men exhibiting these warning signs.