brittanyanderson Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I've just hit the year mark of us being involved. Its been about 4 mo since the "I love yous" started. I've seen people here who were done after a couple months, and I've seen people who have been in it for 5+ years. So I'm curious, how long have you been in your affair? Or, if you're one of the rare ones where it worked out between you two, how long were you into the affair before they finally left their significant other?
Sunshinegrl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 22 months yesterday. We have never said ILY and, oddly, as much as I would like to hear it, I really don't want to. It seems like ILY would be as far as we could ever go with our relationship. We are both married and will never leave our spouses. I've heard of so many ending their affairs because "there just wasn't anywhere else to go with it". That scares me the most. We have both said we want it to last 15 years or more.
canuckprincess Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I've just hit the year mark of us being involved. Its been about 4 mo since the "I love yous" started. I've seen people here who were done after a couple months, and I've seen people who have been in it for 5+ years. So I'm curious, how long have you been in your affair? Or, if you're one of the rare ones where it worked out between you two, how long were you into the affair before they finally left their significant other? It's been 7 years 8 months and 22 days but who's counting lol. And dday number one was 22 months ago today. I'm not sure how one celebrates dday anniversary. As much as I love my boyfriend I wouldn't recommend this type of relationship to anyone. Since dday there have been more tears then one could imagine. I'm not the only one that cries because of this love triangle but walking away is not what I want.
LaceyS Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Two years next month. Us too, sunshine, with the no ILY. I don't want/need it.
Author brittanyanderson Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 It's been 7 years 8 months and 22 days but who's counting lol. And dday number one was 22 months ago today. I'm not sure how one celebrates dday anniversary. As much as I love my boyfriend I wouldn't recommend this type of relationship to anyone. Since dday there have been more tears then one could imagine. I'm not the only one that cries because of this love triangle but walking away is not what I want. so do you want to be with him exclusively or do you want things to stay the way they are? how do you stay strong after 7+ years?
LilGirlandOW Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Just reaching 1yr now. He told me he was in love with me at 5mnths, since then he tells me daily.
myname Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I think it's been too long! Over four years. It's only got worse, now when I see him protect the marriage through seeing me secretly and all the hoops he jumps through to see me but not get caught I want to bite my arm off. 1
Author brittanyanderson Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I think it's been too long! Over four years. It's only got worse, now when I see him protect the marriage through seeing me secretly and all the hoops he jumps through to see me but not get caught I want to bite my arm off. seriously! Honestly the worst part isn't knowing they're with someone else, its seeing them do everything in their power to keep the relationship intact. Lying constantly, deleting our text messages, throwing me under the bus. It drives me insane. 1
myname Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 seriously! Honestly the worst part isn't knowing they're with someone else, its seeing them do everything in their power to keep the relationship intact. Lying constantly, deleting our text messages, throwing me under the bus. It drives me insane. Oh yes it's dreadful, I don't understand it either, I mean if someone wants to protect their marriage that much then just don't keep seeing someone else, it's not hard. The lies, the convoluted stories to get out the house for half a day, the deletions, the numbers saved under another name, it's all just crazy, I don't get it after four years. I am crazy now too. It would be fair enough for someone to say why do I still see him after all this too. I sometimes don't know if it's just cos it's broken me totally and I see no future for myself so what else is there to do but take a tiny bit of comfort from seeing him when I can.
Author brittanyanderson Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Oh yes it's dreadful, I don't understand it either, I mean if someone wants to protect their marriage that much then just don't keep seeing someone else, it's not hard. The lies, the convoluted stories to get out the house for half a day, the deletions, the numbers saved under another name, it's all just crazy, I don't get it after four years. I am crazy now too. It would be fair enough for someone to say why do I still see him after all this too. I sometimes don't know if it's just cos it's broken me totally and I see no future for myself so what else is there to do but take a tiny bit of comfort from seeing him when I can. is there any part of you that is still hopeful or just the comfort of being with him/fear of being on your own that keeps you in it?
myname Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 is there any part of you that is still hopeful or just the comfort of being with him/fear of being on your own that keeps you in it? Oh, unfortunately I am unable to not still be hopeful but I'm sure it's stupid... seen my other post just now? I'm in a mess. He gives just enough to keep me hanging on, but is vague enough that I can't rely on anything. I sometimes wonder if he's abusive and knows what he's doing, I sometimes wonder if I should think myself lucky that he stays with his wife cos of this, but I just feel so confused and lonely and desperate it is hard to tell.
Author brittanyanderson Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 He gives just enough to keep me hanging on, but is vague enough that I can't rely on anything. oh my God...that really hit home with me. well said!
myname Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 oh my God...that really hit home with me. well said! I wish it'd hit home with me too! I've been thinking this long enough and nothing's changed, Ok, much as I hate to admit it I think I'm just so lonely and desperate I can't bear to admit to myself after all this time that he doesn't love me and I've been wasting my time, it's just too painful and upsetting to deal with so I try to deny it and make it work out and keep going and hanging onto anything going... I feel I gave up a lot (and a lot of time) for a relationship with him and so if it's worthless it's hard to deal with cos I'm left with nothing.
Author brittanyanderson Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I can't bear to admit to myself after all this time that he doesn't love me and I've been wasting my time, it's just too painful and upsetting to deal with so I try to deny it and make it work out and keep going and hanging onto anything going... I feel I gave up a lot (and a lot of time) for a relationship with him and so if it's worthless it's hard to deal with cos I'm left with nothing. Admitting to ourselves that we aren't as important to them as we had originally thought can be an emotion so painful and dark, and denial is probably the best coping mechanism for that. I am the queen of denial and suppressing my emotions and minimizing my emotions, and when I do finally let myself really feel them, its like a train wreck. That's probably what you're going through now. You're letting yourself feel all the anger and disappointment and embarrassment etc. It is so so SO unfair that when an affair ends, the OW's life is completely changed and she is basically left with nothing, while the MM's life will continue on as if nothing ever happened with his wife and house and kids (if there are any). That is just absolutely horrifying to think about. 1
myname Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Admitting to ourselves that we aren't as important to them as we had originally thought can be an emotion so painful and dark, and denial is probably the best coping mechanism for that. I am the queen of denial and suppressing my emotions and minimizing my emotions, and when I do finally let myself really feel them, its like a train wreck. That's probably what you're going through now. You're letting yourself feel all the anger and disappointment and embarrassment etc. It is so so SO unfair that when an affair ends, the OW's life is completely changed and she is basically left with nothing, while the MM's life will continue on as if nothing ever happened with his wife and house and kids (if there are any). That is just absolutely horrifying to think about. Oh yes, it's a total nightmare! In my situation and his there are no kids (well at least as far as I know), which almost makes it worse, but yeah it gets to me, when all's said and done then he is still married and I'm a middle aged single woman. It doesn't feel fair, cos he was the one who lied and pretended and I pay the price. I think betrayed wives don't consider this quite often, the other woman pays an incredible often life changing price for getting involved with a married man, maybe not always, but sometimes and maybe even often.
legalgirl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I told my exMM the exact same thing. I lose everything and you lose nothing. You go back to playing house with your wife and kids!!!!
canuckprincess Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 so do you want to be with him exclusively or do you want things to stay the way they are? how do you stay strong after 7+ years? At this moment in time I'm managing with what we have. Tomorrow I could change my mind and he knows that, I truly control my life. I stay strong because I am strong. 1
randomwoman Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 About 3 years. Almost 3 years of entirely EA. We are not planning on ever being together. I find that we are both trapped due to addiction and no other reason. We are both very moody and emotional and also cannot let go which has caused this to go on entirely too long.
Goodbye Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I was in an EA with exMM for several months before meeting up with him (he is very long distance) when it became a PA. We lasted almost a year (and three more long distance visits) before he confessed that he wasn't separated and that his wife hadn't asked for a divorce, etc. So...in total, the affair lasted about 16 months. It continues on his end, as he periodically breaks NC via creative ways and professes his love. He professes his undying love, but hasn't done SQUAT to change the fact that he is married and living with his wife.
Red Wolverine Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 It is so so SO unfair that when an affair ends, the OW's life is completely changed and she is basically left with nothing, while the MM's life will continue on as if nothing ever happened with his wife and house and kids (if there are any). That is just absolutely horrifying to think about. This perspective is your choice. It doesn't have to be that way. The OW and MM know the score. The only person the affair is unfair to is the BS. If she has no idea, she therefore has no choices. That is horrifying to me and I was an OW. When an OW hopes the MM will leave, it's like playing roulette. OW is black and his wife is red. The OW thinks there's a 50/50 chance that ball will land on black and she will get her prize. Smart OWs realize they forgot about those pesky 0 and 00 green spots. Those are the MM. It's not as much about his wife as it is about him. For an OW to win means she is more important than MM. For the most part, the selfishness of the affair in the first place shows he will always put himself first. Not the OW or his wife. 2
cocorico Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Or, if you're one of the rare ones where it worked out between you two, how long were you into the affair before they finally left their significant other? It was a while back now, but IIRC, it was about 3 - 3.5 years. I think the important thing, though, is whether or not the R is working for you now. Putting all your hopes on what might happen one day is counterproductive, in my view. So much can happen and the future may never come to pass in the way you hope. If your R is giving you what you want and need now, that should be enough; if it's not, then it doesn't help if he leaves at some future point or not. 1
FoolishOW Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I've only just started to post after reading LS for about a month. My affair was strictly an EA, but most likely (and quite luckily) due to distance. We dated in high school, some 30 years ago. When I see the number of years invested with MM, I'm amazed, and grateful mine only lasted a measly 2 months. I found the end (forced by dday) to be excruciating. I can't begin to imagine what could have been ahead in terms of the amount of pain and sadness caused by the relationship going on for years. I'm still hurting, but now I see that my situation could have been so much worse. You ladies/men who are the "others" in the relationship... Clearly you have strength, as you maintain yourselves in these situations for years. That can't be easy. I wish that same strength could be dedicated to getting out, for your own good. You deserve so much more! 1
Got it Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I've just hit the year mark of us being involved. Its been about 4 mo since the "I love yous" started. I've seen people here who were done after a couple months, and I've seen people who have been in it for 5+ years. So I'm curious, how long have you been in your affair? Or, if you're one of the rare ones where it worked out between you two, how long were you into the affair before they finally left their significant other? I left my marriage a few weeks into the affair, he left little over a year from that. I had a year timeline on the affair so he could wrap up his outstanding concerns. I was not interested in the stop gap becoming a lifestyle.
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