i think my wife is cheating on me

[aliveagain]

Sorry you are going through this, none of this is your fault. Any evidence you retrieve copy and store somewhere safe like with your brother, father somewhere she can not access. You don't know how this will play out yet but it looks like cheating, just too many red flags. Protect yourself, your child and your finances(specially if she lives above her means), talk to a lawyer for help doing this. No more unprotected sex with her, you will need to get tested for STD's. Sounds like your more of a meal ticket, you need to know what you want before you confront her, reconciliation or finishing what she started with her affair, the ending of your marriage.

[Chi townD]

I am truly sorry that this is happening to you. I dont agree that you should look through her phone (yet) or phone records ... etc. This will only devastate you if in fact she is.

 

What I mean is that if she eventually admits to having an affair, I highly doubt you would want to know the exact gruesome details of it. No one would.

 

I think that you should confront her without accusing her. Think about what you are willing to do? i.e. attend marriage counseling? If she is having an affair, could you forgive her? Would it be better to go?

 

Think of reasons as to why she would even have an affair? Is it because you are never home? Any resentment between the two of you? What could have triggered it?

 

Best of luck

 

I don't agree with this. You have every right to know what's going on in your marriage. And you have the right to know the truth (as gruesome as it may be)!

 

Cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. If you can only prove inappropriate texts and phone messages, then normally, that's all they'll admit to. To minimize the damage.

 

Here's a story that happened to some dude on here last year. He had to go out of town one weekend. He gets home and checks the keylogger, finds a hotel reservation. Keylogger also captured her conversation between her and her OM about meeting at the hotel. Dude, went through her purse and found the receipt for the hotel AND the credit card statement. He confronted her with this evidence and she admitted to meeting the OM at the hotel BUT "only to talk". Yeah...right. Then, he showed her the text conversation. Game over then.

 

See, she thought he could ONLY prove that a hotel room was book and that she meet this dude here. But that's all he had. In her mind, he couldn't prove that they didn't just talk.....until he showed her the texts stating what they planned on doing to each other in that hotel room.

[El.Flaco]

I am truly sorry that this is happening to you. I dont agree that you should look through her phone (yet) or phone records ... etc. This will only devastate you if in fact she is.

 

What I mean is that if she eventually admits to having an affair, I highly doubt you would want to know the exact gruesome details of it. No one would.

 

I think that you should confront her without accusing her. Think about what you are willing to do? i.e. attend marriage counseling? If she is having an affair, could you forgive her? Would it be better to go?

 

Think of reasons as to why she would even have an affair? Is it because you are never home? Any resentment between the two of you? What could have triggered it?

 

Best of luck

 

For some reason I want to know everything I need to knoweverything.

 

I will confront her but first I need to get my ducks in arow and talk to my lawyer. Would I be willing to work it with her I don’t know Ihaven’t decided yet

 

I guess she could have been resentful due to the fact I amout of the country for the most of the year but even then. I always flied herand my son whenever she had free time and during my offseason I always made ita point to take her on a vacation to anywhere she wanted and it would just bethe two of us. Whatever the reason it’s still does not make it right

[dichotomy]

Sorry for disappearing on you guys I was in Vegas over the weekendjust came back yesterday.

 

Well thanks to the key logger I was able to get some proofnothing solid just a Facebook conversation. She could still lie her way out ofit if needed. Its more then I need the prove that she cheating I still plan on moderatingher some more

 

Smart man.

 

You need a a good pile of clear conlusive evidence first. It must be hard to keep your cool and keep monitoring - but its crucial.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I am truly sorry that this is happening to you. I dont agree that you should look through her phone (yet) or phone records ... etc. This will only devastate you if in fact she is.

 

What I mean is that if she eventually admits to having an affair, I highly doubt you would want to know the exact gruesome details of it. No one would.

 

I think that you should confront her without accusing her. Think about what you are willing to do? i.e. attend marriage counseling? If she is having an affair, could you forgive her? Would it be better to go?

 

Think of reasons as to why she would even have an affair? Is it because you are never home? Any resentment between the two of you? What could have triggered it?

 

Best of luck

 

Iris_88, almost all of us betrayed spouses want to know the whole truth. It is a question that has been raised and answered numerous times on this forum.

 

El.Flaco, whatever you are going to do, try to do it quick. Now that you are aware of her cheating, you also are aware of all her lies and deceit. The deleting of texts, messages, history. The secret email accounts. The lies about where she's been and with whom. And, when all is said and done, it is the lying and deceit that are the most difficult to get over, in my opinion much moreso than the cheating. The longer you live with it, being aware of it, the more resentment you will build up over it, probably even more than the cheating itself. If it goes on too long, you will not even want to reconcile with her.

 

Before you confront, get a quick consult with an attorney and see where you stand in your situation and in your jurisdiction. If adultery is a factor in financial or custody divorce settlements in your jurisdiction, get the Private Investigator and get the indisputable proof. If adultery is not a factor, just get enough evidence to satisfy yourself that you know what is going on. You may never get the truth from your wife, but if she wants to reconcile, she will at least have to tell you a story that makes sense based on what you know.

 

For the time being, try to look at like you are living with the enemy. She has turned traitor, she is covering her tracks, she is not on your side any longer, she is on another man's side. There are no secrets between her and the other man. Looking at it this way, for the time being, will help you to be less emotional about the woman who looks like the wife you used to know and let you be able to do what you have to do.

 

If you decide to give her a chance to reconcile, you can always let her make amends and come back onto your side. But for now, she is on the other side.

[El.Flaco]

Sorry you are going through this, none of this is your fault. Any evidence you retrieve copy and store somewhere safe like with your brother, father somewhere she can not access. You don't know how this will play out yet but it looks like cheating, just too many red flags. Protect yourself, your child and your finances(specially if she lives above her means), talk to a lawyer for help doing this. No more unprotected sex with her, you will need to get tested for STD's. Sounds like your more of a meal ticket, you need to know what you want before you confront her, reconciliation or finishing what she started with her affair, the ending of your marriage.

 

I don’t have any family in the states. I am originally from Argentina and most of my family still lives there. I’m more than sure that shecheating. I plan to protect in every way possible. I have already talked to my lawyer yesterday and we plan to meet Friday and go into detail about this situation and how to make sure everything goes my way

 

I haven’t had sex with her in over a week and don’t plan to.I will get all of those tests done

 

I don’t know if she only saw me as a meal ticket she wouldn’tbe the first girl who tried to get with me for my money I always taught she wasdifferent but who knows

 

I haven’t decided if I want to try to work thing out or just head straight for divorce. I want take some more time. head a complete mess I’m not thinking straight I really need time to think things through

[El.Flaco]

Iris_88, almost all of us betrayed spouses want to know the whole truth. It is a question that has been raised and answered numerous times on this forum.

 

El.Flaco, whatever you are going to do, try to do it quick. Now that you are aware of her cheating, you also are aware of all her lies and deceit. The deleting of texts, messages, history. The secret email accounts. The lies about where she's been and with whom. And, when all is said and done, it is the lying and deceit that are the most difficult to get over, in my opinion much moreso than the cheating. The longer you live with it, being aware of it, the more resentment you will build up over it, probably even more than the cheating itself. If it goes on too long, you will not even want to reconcile with her.

 

Before you confront, get a quick consult with an attorney and see where you stand in your situation and in your jurisdiction. If adultery is a factor in financial or custody divorce settlements in your jurisdiction, get the Private Investigator and get the indisputable proof. If adultery is not a factor, just get enough evidence to satisfy yourself that you know what is going on. You may never get the truth from your wife, but if she wants to reconcile, she will at least have to tell you a story that makes sense based on what you know.

 

For the time being, try to look at like you are living with the enemy. She has turned traitor, she is covering her tracks, she is not on your side any longer, she is on another man's side. There are no secrets between her and the other man. Looking at it this way, for the time being, will help you to be less emotional about the woman who looks like the wife you used to know and let you be able to do what you have to do.

 

If you decide to give her a chance to reconcile, you can always let her make amends and come back onto your side. But for now, she is on the other side.

 

I already talked to my lawyer howwould adultery factor in divorce. He wasn’t able to go into to much detail but Iwill play a big part but for that I need solid proof which is why a plan tohire a PI although adultery probably won’t affect the custody of your child. I seta meeting with him for Friday so I will get more info on all of this

[El.Flaco]

Well last night I got what I need I was able to get my handon her phone and I was able to lock at her texts they weren’t to many but shedoes have a secret email account and there it was whole conversation between theboth and some of the emails were very graphic. They even went as far to sendpicture to each other I was able to send a few to my email. So yeah I got what Ineed a plan to confront her after I talk to my lawyer on Friday.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I'm glad you were able to find out what was going on.

 

Make sure your lawyer thinks the proof is good enough. If it's just graphic emails, a lot of cheaters will say "it was just fantasy, we never actually committed adultery."

[atreides]

We have no kids and have had what I think was good relationship; the thing is recently I have been seeing a few red flags

 

why a plan tohire a PI although adultery probably won’t affect the custody of your child.

 

So is there children involved or not?

 

Sorry this is happening to you, just sucks.

 

So she was using a web email account?

[El.Flaco]

I'm glad you were able to find out what was going on.

 

Make sure your lawyer thinks the proof is good enough. If it's just graphic emails, a lot of cheaters will say "it was just fantasy, we never actually committed adultery."

 

I don’t think I will be able to use the emails in court. I’mgoing to see him tomorrow my lawyer that is so he can go into detail in what inneed to prove adultery but I’m thinking I will need a PI

[El.Flaco]

So is there children involved or not?

 

Sorry this is happening to you, just sucks.

 

So she was using a web email account?

 

 

We do have one child together. I didn’t want to put too muchperson info at first. I was scared some I know could ready this and find outwho I am

 

Yeah she was using secret emails to contact him. Last night Ifound out she had another email account she using so as of now she has two secretemails account that I didn’t know about.

[BetrayedH]

The best way to confront her is with divorce papers.

 

If you think she shows sufficient remorse, you can always pause the proceedings. Don't even consider forgiveness until she at least starts to earn it.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Check with the lawyer and get the evidence of adultery that you need. Get a private investigator. Don't let her know anything is up until you get the evidence.

 

You are doing well so far.

 

If evidence of adultery will give you a good divorce settlement, assuming that you are the major bread-winner, go through with the divorce, get a good settlement, no alimony, as much custody as possible.

 

After you are divorced with the good settlement, you can let her marry you again with a pre-nup, if that's what you want (and what she wants). Then, with pre-nup in place, it might give you a tiny bit better idea of whether or not the first marriage was partly because you had money and how much was motivated by love of you vs. love of money.

[Realist3]

I don’t think I will be able to use the emails in court. I’mgoing to see him tomorrow my lawyer that is so he can go into detail in what inneed to prove adultery but I’m thinking I will need a PI

 

 

Next to impossible unless you catch them in the act. You don't need to prove adultery.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

What proof of adultery is needed is based upon the jurisdiction in which the divorce case is heard.

 

Adultery is proven by establishing opportunity and inclination. This is normally established through the testimony of a third-party witness (i.e., private detective, neighbor, or colleague) and is usually based on circumstantial evidence.

 

To prove opportunity, a witness would need to testify that he/she saw the couple enter a place, such as a hotel or home, where they are alone and could have sexual relations. Inclination means that the witness observes the couple behaving affectionately towards each other, such as kissing, holding hands, etc.

 

Note that in some states you may not testify against your spouse, and thus will need the testimony of a third party to corroborate the adulterous relationship.

 

Further, in order to file a complaint for divorce alleging adultery, your wife’s paramour or boyfriend must be named as a co-respondent in the divorce complaint. Therefore, you must be able to identify him and serve him with a copy of the complaint.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

How Does One Prove Adultery?

 

Proof of adultery as a ground for divorce must be “clear and positive and the infidelity must be established by a clear preponderance of the evidence.” McLaurin v. McLaurin, 294 S.C. 132, 133, 363 S.E.2d 110, 111 (Ct.App.1987). A “preponderance of the evidence” is evidence which convinces as to its truth. DuBose v. DuBose, 259 S.C. 418, 424, 192 S.E.2d 329, 331 (1972).

 

South Carolina courts have not specifically stated what sexual acts constitute adultery. Panhorst v. Panhorst, 301 S.C. 100, 104, 390 S.E.2d 376, 378 (Ct.App.1990). In Nemeth v. Nemeth, 325 S.C. 480, 486, 481 S.E.2d 181, 184 (Ct.App.1997), the Court of Appeals noted South Carolina has rejected the argument equating adultery with intercourse. In Nemeth, the wife took a cruise and stayed in a cabin with a man other than her husband. Id. at 484, 481 S.E.2d at 183. The wife denied she committed adultery and introduced evidence she had chronic pain that made intercourse difficult for her. Id. at 485, 481 S.E.2d at 184. The Court of Appeals found adultery, stating sexual intercourse is not required to establish adultery; sexual intimacy is enough. Id. at 486, 481 S.E.2d at 184. Homosexual acts can constitute adultery. R.G.M. v. D.E.M., 306 S.C. 145, 410 S.E.2d 564, 567 (1991).

 

Because of the “clandestine nature” of adultery, obtaining evidence of the commission of the act by the testimony of eyewitnesses is rarely possible, so direct evidence is not necessary to establish the charge. Fulton v. Fulton, 293 S.C. 146, 147, 359 S.E.2d 88, 88 (Ct.App.1987).

 

Accordingly, adultery may be proven by circumstantial evidence that establishes both a disposition to commit the offense and the opportunity to do so. Hartley v. Hartley, 292 S.C. 245, 246-47, 355 S.E.2d 869, 871 (Ct.App.1987). As one appellate court has noted, “Because adultery, by its very nature, is an activity which takes place in private, it may be proved by circumstantial evidence. Indeed, if it were not for circumstantial evidence, the practice of adultery would scarcely be known to exist.” Prevatte v. Prevatte, 297 S.C. 345, 377 S.E.2d 114, 118 (Ct.App. 1989) (citations omitted; emphasis added).

 

Generally, “proof must be sufficiently definite to identify the time and place of the offense and the circumstances under which it was committed.” Loftis v. Loftis, 284 S.C. 216, 218, 325 S.E.2d 73, 74 (Ct.App.1985). Evidence placing a spouse and a third party together on several occasions, without more, does not warrant the conclusion the spouse committed adultery. Fox v. Fox, 277 S.C. 400, 402, 288 S.E.2d 390, 391 (1982).

 

“[N]o eyewitness testimony is required to prove adultery.” Loftis v. Loftis, 284 S.C. 216, 325 S.E.2d 73, 74 (Ct.App. 1985). The court may drawn an adverse inference on a spouse who asserts the Fifth Amendment privilege against self-incrimination when asked about alleged adultery. Griffith v. Griffith, 332 S.C. 630, 506 S.E.2d 526 (Ct.App. 1998).

 

“The same evidence which proves the opportunity can also prove the disposition. For example, where a married man is observed going upstairs in a bawdyhouse, unless something to the contrary appears, no other evidence is required to warrant a finding of adultery. The same may be said where a married woman spends the night in a motel, sleeping with a man to whom she is not married.” Husband v. Wife, 301 S.C. 531, 392 S.E.2d 811, 813 (Ct.App. 1990) (citation omitted).

 

In McElveen v. McElveen, 332 S.C. 583, 598, 506 S.E.2d 1, 8 (Ct.App.1998), the Court of Appeals declined to find the wife committed adultery because “there [was] virtually no evidence of a romantic or sexual relationship between the [wife and her paramour].” The Court noted without evidence to support a romantic relationship, including love letters, romantic cards, hand-holding, hugging, kissing, or any other romantic demonstrations or actions between the wife and her paramour, adultery was not adequately established.

 

In Brown v. Brown, 379 S.C. 271, 280-81, 665 S.E.2d 174,179-80 (Ct.App. 2008), cert. denied, the Court of Appeals reversed a family court finding that Wife had not committed adultery, finding the following evidence mandated a finding of romantic inclination between Wife and her alleged paramour:

Furthermore, Wife’s and Craft’s own admissions establish they were inclined to commit adultery. Craft testified the activities he and Wife engaged in were sexual in nature. Wife and Craft admitted that when they would meet for lunch, they would often kiss in Wife’s car. Craft also touched Wife’s breast and removed her bra. Both Wife and Craft touched one another below the waist, outside of their clothing. Wife also admitted Craft touched Wife ‘under her panties’ once or twice. Additionally, Wife stated she was in love with Craft and that she discussed marriage with him. Further, she admitted their relationship was sexual to a degree, and she desired to have sexual intercourse with Craft.

 

Their admissions to meeting for one-on-one lunches, calling each other frequently, kissing, and fondling indicate a “romantic relationship” existed, which also supports a finding of adultery.

Wife acknowledged she ceased talking to and seeing Craft for a period of time after Husband confronted her, showing Wife knew her actions were wrongful and inappropriate for a married woman. While we defer to the family court on issues of credibility,

sufficient direct and overwhelmingly circumstantial evidence is present in the record to clearly prove Wife committed adultery. The evidence here of opportunity and inclination is too compelling to be brushed aside on the basis of Wife’s “strict moral upbringing” and her claims that the romantic rendezvous always stopped short of sexual intercourse.

In Gainey v. Gainey, 277 S.C. 519, 290 S.E.2d 242, 243 (1982), the Supreme Court reversed an award of alimony finding Wife was barred by the following evidence of adultery:

Appellant called five witnesses, each of whom testified that respondent spent the night with her paramour on numerous occasions. Respondent, though denying adultery, admitted having spent the night with her paramour on a regular basis.

[El.Flaco]

Ok so I just meet with my lawyer. We were supposed to meetaround 5 but something came up was so we did in the morning.

 

My lawyer did tell that filing under Adultery is probablythe way to get and it’s the best way to make sure I protect most of the assets.I will need to hire PI to prove adultery. My lawyer recommend a few PI I coulduse I plan to call them later today. My lawyer also today he would startfinding a few of my assets but told I don’t have too much to worry about sincewe (me and my wife) have still have what they consider a short term marriage soeven if she fought she won’t be able to get much and zero chance of alimony, sothings are looking good.

 

forsome reason I still feel very lost and dead and I don’t knowwhy I just wish things didn’t have to bethis way it hurts like hell never felt so low as I do right now

[El.Flaco]

Next to impossible unless you catch them in the act. You don't need to prove adultery.

 

 

Yeah the emails are useless I will need 3rd party evidence that’s why I’m going to hire a PI. I do need proof if I am to fileunder adultery which I plan to do

[atreides]

Yeah the emails are useless I will need 3rd party evidence that’s why I’m going to hire a PI. I do need proof if I am to fileunder adultery which I plan to do

 

sounds like you have a plan