ConcreteHeart Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 How long does it take until you are able to get through than an hour with no thoughts of him. I find myself pondering. I wonder what he's doing. I wonder if he's thinking of me. If he misses me. Or is this just my addiction talking. The part of me that misses the hit of contact. Negative or positive. I know the answer...haha. I just needed to talk about it. I find that this is a great place to find the support I need to continue to make my way...uuggg. 1
legalgirl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I feel your pain. I find myself looking at my phone sometimes thinking maybe I will hear from him. Or wondering if he's working or wondering if he is ok, etc. I want to slap myself! 1
LilGirlandOW Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I catch myself ready old text threads, as I have an sms back-up, it saves my texts by the day... I find this to be obessesive, but also comforting. 1
WrinkledForehead Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I went through a fairly painful & confusing breakup last summer and developed techniques, learned skills, as far as dealing in the aftermath. It wasn't an A so take what applies and leave the rest: -I developed a mantra. "It means nothing until it means everything." I discovered the only two things that mean everything to me are my family & kids, and my schooling. -journal. Get it out of your head, even if you end up scribbling and being incoherent in your writing. Just write. -romance yourself. I was fond of giving myself candle lit bubble baths while listening to classical compositions and drinking a beer at the same time. I'd feel amazing when I emerged from my water cocoon. -allow yourself to hurt and cry, but limit it. I developed a specific technique (mnemonic) to get myself back on track if I started wallowing in thoughts of him and what could have been. I needed to stay focused & present on the day to day. I set a time limit and sometimes even a specific time in which I could process my emotions, but rarely allowed myself to dive into a hole of emotional mess. Breakups suck in general. There is healing, though!
brittanyanderson Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Yeah I definitely feel your pain. Being able to even go an hour without thinking about him seems impossible. Its literally a 24/7 thing for me. And I've done all the things mentioned above, constantly obsessing, always checking my phone, reading old texts, listening to old voice mails, etc. I never thought about it as an addiction but it really is. And as someone with addiction problems, its no surprise I can't leave.
Sunshinegrl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Girl, I know. Do the OM obsess like this?
Cali408 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 The key to stop obsessing is don't day dream. It's okay to think of them. You are in love. They will never go away. What happens is finding it tolerable not to have them in your life. I still think of my AP every day. All the time. It's just your mind. It's no big deal. I've accepted that she is a train wreck and we will never be together. You have to accept that it's over. We all miss one another, but it's damaging to our lives. I almost lost my marriage and kids twice by being a fool. I probably cost myself 50k in business obsessing during and after the affair. My life had to hit rock bottom. The last time I spoke to her, i was disgusted with what an emotionally immature person she is. It made her unattractive to me, Making the same stupid mistakes she made 10 years ago. And yes I still love her and always will. 2
Goodbye Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I catch myself ready old text threads, as I have an sms back-up, it saves my texts by the day... I find this to be obessesive, but also comforting. Lil, have you gone NC with your MM?
LilGirlandOW Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Goodbye, No, we are not NC. I thought the thread was about obsessive behavior in general, I read wrong.
Author ConcreteHeart Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Thanks to all of you for your supportive responses and solidarity! It is amazing to me that we all have such similar experiences, but at the time of the affair we think that our relationship is somehow different. Special, unique in the way we love our MM or MW, and it really is just the same unrealistic fantasy relationship repeated. Today, I made it through and did not contact him. Yeah for me! 2
randomwoman Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I have been unsuccessful through multiple NC attempts. I find that forums help me from reaching out to him but at the same time, they also cause me to ruminate even more since I'm reading/posting about him constantly. I do hear phantom phone notifications because that was our primary source of contact. I think it's especially hard when your addicted to him and technology. Almost like a Pavlov's dog effect. Salivating just thinking about the buzz. At the moment, I have him blocked. Another attempt to move on with my life because I feel stagnant with things. 3 years is too long to be obsessed with someone when they are .001 percent of your life. I've missed out on so much just focusing attention on his every action and inaction. It's sickening to think about at times. Good luck. one day at a time.
KentuckyGent Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Girl, I know. Do the OM obsess like this? You mean about MW? Yes, Yes, Yes 1000x Yes!!!!!!!!
Author ConcreteHeart Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Gent, thanks for that. I'm not sure about the other OMW on this board, but I sit here convinced that it didn't mean anything to the OM. That it was all a game to get an ego stoke. That we are really that dispensible. But it seams that you as an OM felt the same. I'm sorry that she did that to you. You deserve better. As a married woman, all I can say it that it is complicated to leave when there is children involved. But that is still no excuse for the way we behave in an affair. All of it is wrong, no matter how your heart feels. If we were decent people, we could leave our partners, then find another relationship. I decided that my marriage is worth saving. I am committing to it each day, while trying to heal. So, I can't contact him, as much as I may want to, I can't. 1
psm04 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Gent, thanks for that. I'm not sure about the other OMW on this board, but I sit here convinced that it didn't mean anything to the OM. That it was all a game to get an ego stoke. That we are really that dispensible. But it seams that you as an OM felt the same. I'm sorry that she did that to you. You deserve better. As a married woman, all I can say it that it is complicated to leave when there is children involved. But that is still no excuse for the way we behave in an affair. All of it is wrong, no matter how your heart feels. If we were decent people, we could leave our partners, then find another relationship. I decided that my marriage is worth saving. I am committing to it each day, while trying to heal. So, I can't contact him, as much as I may want to, I can't. I'm in the same boat. I'm committing to my M, both the good and bad sides of it. Affairs don't help with anything. I also feel the same as you about my AP. I keep thinking that it was an ego stroke, but you know, I think we should just believe that they loved us, just like we loved them. I also didn't leave my M, so I can say the same thing about myself. It doesn't matter anyway. I think the difference between me and xMM is that he wanted to live in two worlds, where as I only wanted one. And I couldn't have that real world with him, so I chose to walk away and dedicate 100% of myself to my real life with my H. 2
todreaminblue Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 the same amount of time it takes to work out that he isnt who you thought he was.....or that it didnt work for a reason or that fourth drink hits home....iw ould go for the first two.......and ill have your drinks..pass them here...seriously..... it depends how you feel for someone......if you really really care then it takes longer......because the more you care the more you get hurt and want to go back to whatever it is you had before.......even if it was close to nothing....it is closer to nothing than what you have now...does that make sense.....i realize i make less spelling mistakes if i have been drinking my hyper brain is sleeping....shhhh.....i know its hard.....i struggle too.....but relationships that are meant to finish....they end...even if it hurts...it has to happen......you will stop obsessing with time....or black russians work too 1
missy268 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 It's really hard sometimes I have been NC now with my ex AP for 5 months, and there are days I will wonder if he will come back, does he think of me, does he think he could have made a mistake:mad: It's totally irrational and I am angry with myself for thinking this way. My only excuse is we were off and on for 2 years, it's a while. We were friends for 2 years before as well, so you could say he played a big part in my life. I always believed he loved me, and to realise that he doesn't is devastating. I want to be wrong, but I have seen the kind of man he is (if i can call him that he's 23 lol) I often kid myself its because of his age that he's doen this and left me and when he realises he will come back, not healthy, and i have no idea why i think this way when the thought of him touching/kissing me repulses me, it's so strange, but my mind wonders like this when i am alone. I was the other woman, and i am single. I know he is not the person I thought he was, he has no backbone, he is a coward and he lies and just hurts people. That is not the kind of guy i want to be with. I am working through having more self respect for myself. If there is anything this whole mess has taught me is that one thing, i should love myself more and not accept this type of behaviour in my life. I never deserved the way he treated me, the only thing i am guilty of is believing one of my closest friends was in love with me, it seemed perfect.... It gets better, it just takes time.
Cali408 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 It is an ego stroke. When someone tells you they love you, you're their savior, you're the best in the intimacy department. You want to hear it. This is what is making getting over it so easy. I know she's flawed. She has a lot of baggage. So I ask myself, "would I be truly happy for her if she found someone else?" I don't know if I can truly answer yes. Because it's not me. So I feel I don't love her unconditionally. It's my ego. Addicted to her, sure. But today, following NC, not drinking, and being grateful for the wonderful things in my life, I don't have any anxiety and feel great about my life. You can think about them, just don't day dream. Don't watch sappy movies, listen to love songs or breakup songs. Push forward.
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