LilGirlandOW Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Would you want this? for your A to transition? Would you want your AP fulltime? I struggle with this ALOT! I love MM, its been a year of us being together, and I have doubts as well as dreams of us ending up together..... Anyone go through this? I dont mean regarding going through his seperation, than divorce... I love him and would go through any struggle with him he faced. Its the little things, like theres a word he mispronounces everytime he says it,,, drives me insane, lol. His career direction sometimes makes me wonder. And I dont mind helping him through problems and being a shoulder to cry on, and an open ear, etc. But it seems he always has something to complain about lately, none of which has to do with me, he's always like "I dont know how I could get through XYZ without you" or "You're my solace, my only happiness.... you and my kids are all i have, blah blah blah"..... dont wanna sound like a bitch but sometimes I wanna drown him so I dont have to hear it lol.
bentleychic Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Yes, full time is the hope/goal for both of us (supposedly).
WrinkledForehead Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Yes, that's our goal as well. We've known each other for 9 months and have been together for 6 now. We've spent massive amounts of time together; probably a similar level of time as any non-A R. Ive looked at where he is in life, we've discussed our future goals. We are very compatible, have matching outlooks and expectations on life. It's good.
Author LilGirlandOW Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 I simply fell out of love with my xH. I guess I followed my heart and not my matrimonial sense of duty.
jlola Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I simply fell out of love with my xH. I guess I followed my heart and not my matrimonial sense of duty. Falling out of romantic love is natural. Our bodies are only equipped to maintain that feeling for about 2-3 years you will have that out of love feeling" with MM too when you have him full time. Part of our body chemistry. This is why committment is so important. Stages in Love Relationships Gary Brainerd Just as children go through normal, predictable stages of development, so do relationships. And just as it is helpful for parents to understand their children by understanding the phases of development, so it is helpful for couples to know the stages of relationships, know which one they are in and thereby see what is happening from a perspective of intelligence and wisdom. The Enchantment Stage Most love relationships start off in what is usually called the "Romantic" phase or the "Enchantment" phase. It is a wonderful phase. The brain secretes a special endorphin in this phase that makes the lovers feel happy, complete, alive, and very positive. When you are "in love" you literally are on drugs. In this phase the partners want to spend lots of time with each other (that's when the endorphin gets secreted and the partners want that wonderful feeling). When we are "in love" and on endorphins, we actually feel different, respond differently and in some ways ARE different. The endorphins make us feel whole and complete so that we are less easily hurt or bothered and our reactivity is greatly lessened. That's why the poet can say, "I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I'm with you". There is truly something wonderful about this first phase of being in love. In the "enchantment" phase there is a lot of laughter, playfulness, affection and sexual energy. Negative traits are minimized or ignored or rationalized. Wounds and Adaptations are softened and soothed and minimized during this bonding phase. Relationship-Help.com
Author LilGirlandOW Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 I see what you're saying although my parents were D almost 20yrs ago, and both have been re-married for about 15yrs now, both couples are still in-love, not teenage make-out love, but in-love none the less... with my xH that connection was lost
jlola Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I see what you're saying although my parents were D almost 20yrs ago, and both have been re-married for about 15yrs now, both couples are still in-love, not teenage make-out love, but in-love none the less... with my xH that connection was lost Yes and until you have your MM full time and out of the "enchantment/honeymoon" stage, you will then understand if you want him full time. When rose colored glasses come off,what we once thought acceptable becomes unattractive. If a person has a list of unattrative traits others can see when your rose colored glasses are on. One day when they finally come off, you too will see the unattractive traits. Then and only then will you know if you will still be in-love with this person. Especially when he cannot give validation all the time. Compliment all the time,write love notes like they used to, may get sick,have work and financial issues to focus on, kids. Reality does have a way of being a bummer. Unrealistic expectations is one thing that ruins marriage. people see the red flags while dating. But in the honeymoon stage with all the chemical highs, they ignore. They focus on the romance, the feelings. things that are fleeting in the long run. 1
whereamigoing Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 During the A I reached a point where I wanted a full-time real relationship. When the A ended I still wanted that. After a period of NC I still wanted it but no longer was willing to take less. I found my strength with some space. Now we are reestablishing contact as he moves through his divorce. We've discussed the idea of having a real relationship, giving it a try. We have similar concerns that the dynamic has changed due to time apart and his no longer being married. We have worries that we won't make it but no more than for any other relationship. The key for us has been open and honest discussion about our thoughts and concerns as well as more mundane issues like where we will live (separately or together), vacation plans, time to do our own thing, and whether or not dogs are allowed in the bed. We are still not together but we are setting the groundwork and boundaries for a potential life together. The love part is easy but I think it's normal to have some trepidation moving forward, it means your eyes are open. My way is fairly pragmatic and may seem to lack romance but it's just my style and that of xMM. It may not be for everyone but I am, by nature and training, a very methodical and logical person. My best friend had a completely different approach when she had her own affair...purely emotion based. So far it has worked for her. In short, my advice is to be open with your partner about how you are feeling. I bet he has similar thoughts. 1
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